Nova

Regulus Black liked to think of himself as an unreliable narrator. There were times when his story was stringent and conclusive. Where everything made sense and he was reasonably content.

But then ... Oh, then there was the bad shit. He wasn't sure if he should blame his parents, his brother, the moon and the stars, the entire universe or just himself; sometimes he just snapped. His world twisted from its axis and things that had been fine before, suddenly weren't.

Or, apparently, things were suddenly fine when they hadn't been before ...

He grew antsy as his birthday drew closer. His brother had made promises Regulus wasn't sure he could trust.

They all noticed, he knew, but no one said anything. And when the day came they gave him a chocolate cake with green frosting and told him they could do whatever he wanted.

Just to be an ass, just so see how much of it they actually meant he'd said he wanted to go visit his mother.

Sirius had looked ready to combust (or maybe cry), but when Remus leaned into him, grabbing the car keys and saying that he'd drive, he had nodded stiffly and sat in the back of the car.

The closer they'd gotten the more Regulus regretted his decision, and when he'd quietly asked if any of them were hungry, Peter had immediately started chatting with him about the foods he liked.

They went for pizza and never mentioned the prison again.

After that things changed in a way.

He'd started to laugh at some of Peter's jokes. For someone so soft spoken and weak the boy was wicked funny.

He'd agreed when Sirius asked to eat dinner with them sometimes, and it hadn't been completely awful.

He'd started to always have a spare cigarette in case Remus asked for one.

He'd complimented Potter on his cooking once, who had grinned so broadly it was nauseating.

And that, all of that soft, touchy shit had gotten him where he was right now. Under the bright neon lights of a bathroom, in a club he couldn't even remember the name of, his breathing shallow and way to fast.

He had let his guard down. Just a little. Just to let his hands relax a bit before they took up their iron clad armour again. A mistake. A huge, grand, all encompassing mistake, that ended with him saying yes to going out on a Friday night.

He knew they always went out on Fridays. He also knew that Sirius asked every single time if he wanted to come. But he just hadn't expected his brother to come bouncing into his room, grabbing him and spinning him in circles, just like when they were kids. Hadn't expected the warmth that had flooded him.

As he gripped the sink his grey eyes looked huge in his ashen face, and the eyeliner ... How did he agree to this?

With trembling hands he started rubbing ice cold water over his face, under his eyes. Trying and failing to get rid of the black coal.

It had felt good a few hours ago. He had thought everything might be getting better, just a few hours ago.

There was a pounding at the door. Someone screaming his name. Potter.

Anger burned inside of him, this was Potter's fault. It was all Potter's fault.

He'd managed to stay clear of that man for weeks. Months. Never exchanging more than a few words with him.

But tonight, at the bar, in the dimly lit club, it had been impossible. James was everywhere. Ordering a drink for Regulus. Telling him his eyeliner looked good. Placing himself right between Reggie and some creep that had gotten a bit too close. And all the while he wasn't even deterred in the slightest by Regulus continuous and hard practiced cold shoulder.

And then James had smiled at him. When Regulus was stupid enough to not pull his eyes away quickly, for the first time in probably forever, James face had lit up in a smile. He was beautiful.

Regulus had flinched at the thought, his hand jerking towards his face so harshly he nearly tipped over his drink.

Back there he had to stop himself. Now he didn't.

The first strike brought a dull sensation of pain to his cheek. The second one he could feel through his entire skull and by the the fifth his ears were ringing.

There was a crashing sound to his left and his head shot up, his eyes locking on James. James's face morphed into open shock and Regulus had the impulse to laugh.

He must've looked like a complete nutter. Black tears running down his bright red cheek, battered from his own abuse.

The situation felt so surreal, so absurd, he felt the laughter bubbling up higher and higher but when he opened his mouth to let it fall out, the only sound was a guttural sob.

James moved immediately, "Regulus what's going on? What happened?" he stopped still a good distance away. He wouldn't come closer. Not without asking. He never did.

He was kind.

And smart.

And so respectful.

And so so motherfucking beautiful.

"I hate you," Regulus snarled, his voice raspy and broken.

And Potter nodded. Nodded.

"Okay Reg, that's okay. You can hate me if you want. Just please please stop doing this. I'll ... I'll leave you alone I promise, I'll go get Sirius, right now. But you have to be safe first okay?"

Oh that bloody bastard.

More sobs tore through Regulus' throat and he clutched his chest, hugged his heart, as if that would keep it from leaping across the room and into James Potter's arms.

He was a fool of course, it didn't stop. And so he stumbled behind it, his vision blurred and obstructed and then he stood in front of Potter, crying and crying and he couldn't stop.

There was so much pain in James's eyes he almost flinched. And he knew that Potter understood. Understood that even if he tried, and he had, Regulus didn't hate him. Couldn't.

"They can't hurt you anymore Regulus. They aren't here."

"No," he said, venom in his voice, "but they're in here," he pointed at his temple, "and here," his hand rested on his heart. Feeling the pain that lingered there. That his own parents had put there.

"Can I touch you Reg?"

Regulus went completely still. Maybe it was the alcohol in his system, but he took a step forward. Then another, until he was close enough to have to tilt his head up a little bit to hold eye contact.

Carefully, as if he were a terrified animal, James lifted his hands, placing them on either side of his face. Lightly enough to give Regulus an out at all times, strong enough to know he meant it.

"Tell me what you want Reggie."

Regulus just blinked and James began to gently wipe the tears from his face.

"Just say whatever comes to your mind," he prompted.

Regulus closed his eyes, still feeling tears slip down his cheeks. "I want to be free."

He'd never voiced it before. That caged, churning feeling in his chest. That burning desire to let it all go.

"Free, free, free," he chanted, his eyes raking over James' face desperately. He needed someone to understand, someone to try at least.

James' thumbs gently slid over his face and Regulus clutched James' shirt in his hands.

"Come dance with me Reggie."