First talk
I’m making out with James Potter, this doesn’t feel real. My pills fall to the floor but I don’t care.
I move down to his neck, my fangs come out, I bite into his neck.
That was a crazy one.
Sometimes when I first wake up, when my heart is raising and my throat is dry. I can’t figure out if the pills are making it more real or the reason they’re not worse.
Even on good days I feel like I don’t fit in.
Everyone else has it all figured out.
The clothes they wear.
The bands they like.
Who they are.
Who they want to be.
And I’m the only one who’s stuck pretending.
I put some clothes on, set my hair up in a ponytail and walk out of my room and downstairs. Into my cousin Bellatrix's room, she’s living with us to “help me get my first kill”.
I put some of her lipstick on my lips.
“Regina” mother calls me over to the kitchen, I walk into the kitchen “good morning darling”
“Sleep well?” Father asks.
“Sure” I say, they can’t know about the dreams I have been having.
“I refilled these for you, Regina. You were almost out” mother says holding my pills.
"Already? Are you feeling okay?” Father asks, his voice sounds worried.
“I’m fine.” I say, of course I’m not fine, and they know it. They just want me to say it out loud, but I’m not giving them that satisfaction and that will be the end of everything and I’m not ready for what comes next.
I make myself some tea while hoping they won't bring up my first kill.
“Regina” Father says after a bit.
“It’s been 3 weeks since your birthday” mother then says, I know what’s coming “we know you’re nervous but we both think it’s time you…”
“Morning” Bellatrix, my role model. One day I too will be a self-confident, bull-by-the-horns kind of girl, who doesn’t give a shit what my parents think. Except I’m not a girl, walks in, it’s clear she has been out drinking all night.
"Bellatrix, Have you been out all night?” mother asks.
“If I’m home now, does it really matter?” Bella replies.
“It does when you work for me” father then says.
“Have I ever been late?” Bella asks.
We can hear blasting music coming from outside. Bartemius Crouch Junior, my best friend, is sitting in his car blasting Måneskin.
“Regina, could you please remind Barty we have a doorbell?” mother says sounding annoyed, Barty does this every day.
“Oh, he knows” I reply, grabbing my bag.
“We will come back to these?” mother says, holding my pills up. I take them and start making my way to the front door.
I put my hand on my sunglasses to take them with me to school when Bella puts her hand on mine.
She takes her finger and pulls up my face by the chin. She looks at my lipstick and then says:
“That isn’t your color” her voice has a cruel tone to it. Then she takes her finger and takes the lipstick off my lips.
“Sorry.” I say as she takes my hair tie out of my hair making it lose.
“Much better, sweet little” she says smiling. Barty honks and Bella’s smile fades. “One day I am going to kill him” she says with an annoyed tone.
“I would never allow that” I say and walk out the door and down the stairs.
“Mr. Back, I do declare. You are the prettiest peach I have ever seen” Barty says.
“Well aren’t you the sweetest thing?” I reply and get in the car as Barty puts on Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood and starts the car.
We sing (almost scream) along to the lyrics, both of us wearing sunglasses.
Barty Crouch Junior is the kind of boy you fall in love with. We’ve been jumping around in puddles and reading every book in my family's library since we were born.
We dated for a month when we were 12. Before we figured out we are better off as friends.
Now he’s the cool kid.
The star athlete who gets invited to all the parties.
When I’m with Barty, I blend in.
Barty is talking about something, I’m not really paying attention. I need to change my clothes as soon as possible, I don’t like wearing feminine clothes.
That’s not who I am.
At home I’m Regina Black, the favorite child, the daughter.
At school I’m Regulus Black, the popular guy by association.
I walk into a bathroom stall and change into masculine clothes.
My body is still changing and the headaches are still getting worse, but nobody knows, because he makes me feel and look as normal as he is.
“And sexy but I don’t wanna try too hard.” Barty says, I wasn’t paying attention.
“Yeah.” I say with a grin.
“What are you grinning at?” he asks.
“Your face” I reply with a tiny smile.
“Hey! Lots of people like this face” Barty says sounding offended “Evan Rosier likes this face”
“Evan Rosier has a girlfriend” I say
“Evan Rosier is confused, but he’ll come out” Barty says, being delusional as always.
I get a migraine as Í open my locker, I shut my eyes and hold onto the sides of my locker. I get these when I need to take my blood pills, it sucks.
“Another migraine?” Barty says, sounding worried.
“Uh, yeah” I say as I get my pills out, Barty says something but I can’t hear him. I take one of my pills and drink some of my tea that I brought with me.
There. That’s better. Another swing at normal.
We’re walking to PE now.
“So I’ll pick you up at 9?” Barty asks, I have no idea what he’s talking about.
“For what?”
“The party. At Evan’s you promised you’d go.”
“Why would I do that? I hate parties.”
“But you love me and you have to go, you're my wingman” Barty says, he’s a huge party person, I would rather stay at home and read than go to a party.
At lunch we sit down at our usual table in the cafeteria.
I immediately see James Potter, he’s sitting alone eating his lunch.
James is new to my school. I don’t know how much time passes when Barty says:
“God Reg, drool much?” I give him a death glare “look, I’m sorry to stand it the way of your of your quiet pining, you could just go talk to him”
“I dont-”
“But you do, now talk to him”
“...I have” Barty just smiles at me “yeah, no, we’ve definitely…talked.” I say, Barty still doesn’t look like he believes me. I wasn’t really true, I have been pining over him for days now. I have tried to talk to him, without success.
“Okay, why don’t you just start with something small, like your name?” I give him another death glare.
After lunch we go outside.
“We could do a whole Cyrano thing where I could do the-” Barty says, I cut him off.
“I know who Cyrano is. And no” Barty has been talking about how I could ask James Potter out for 5 minutes now and it’s really annoying.
“Okay. Back to the party, I got that leather jacket, I won't wear anything under that. I’ll wear some jeans so I don’t look like a total slut” Barty says this as if he wouldn’t look like a slut with jeans on “hey watch out-” Barty says this right before I bump into someone, my pills fly out of my hand and land on the ground. My case for them opened as it hit the ground and my pills went everywhere.
I quickly go down to pick it up saying sorry to the person I bumped into.
The person I bumped into then says “I’m so sorry. That was my fault” I look up to see James Potter standing in front of me.
“Oh. Hi” I say while taking my sunglasses off.
“Hi” he says, looking into my eyes.
“It's Regulus right? We have English together” he says. I feel my heart pounding as I try to keep my cool.
"Yeah. Yeah. And physics and Gym. Uh, you’re James?”
"Yeah." he says. I look over at Barty who’s doing a weird sort of dance. He want me to ask James to the party.
“Um, there’s a party. Tonight at Evan Rosier’s. My friend Barty is making me go I’m not big on parties. I find them boring. But I promised I’d go so…I’ll be there. Then if you go too I’ll see you there?”
“I love parties. I never go to them though but I’ll try to make it”
“Okay. Cool” I say relieved, he turns around to his bike as I see a bee on his shoulder. “Wait. Wait” he stops and I look at the bee and gently take my hands under it, taking it off his shirt “don’t worry. I got it. Make a wish?” I say holding the bee.
“I think that only works with eyelashes” he says.
“Oh” I say, letting the bee crawl out of my hands and fly. Before I go I ask “tonight?”
“Okay.” he replies.
“Awesome. Great. See you there James” I say nodding.
“But I’ll see you in English first” he says, he’s right, I just nod and walk away.
Later in English one of the girls sitting in front of me gives me a poster about the party at Evan’s as I sit down “you don’t wanna miss this, everyone is gonna be there” she says, I pass it to another person.
The lesson starts. There’s too much noise.
I’ve always been sensitive, but it’s getting worse, every day the world is a little sharper. A little louder. And today when I think it’s just too much, I bumped into James.
“Mr. Potter. I know you just transferred in, but surely clocks work the same at your old school” our teacher McGonagall says as James walks into class.
“Sorry” James says and starts walking to a table.
“That’s all right. Since you’re already up, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind getting us started” McGonagall says, James looks annoyed but walks back over to her and grabs the book she’s holding.
He starts reading, I’m not sure what about. I can’t stop looking at his mouth and eyes while he’s reading.
Who are you James Potter? Why do you show up now? I can’t shake the fear that as soon as I blink he’ll disappear.
“Thank you, James.” McGonagall says, I snap out of it. James takes a seat. The rest of the lesson I just sit thinking about him. He’s not my first crush, not even my second. But this one feels different, more intense. Like I know we’re going to happen. I just don’t know when.
It’s silly but when you’re swimming around in my head like this, everything else disappears.
Somehow an hour goes by in five minutes.
“Essays due on wednesday” McGonagall says and everyone starts collecting their stuff “mark the dates on your phones, that’s what the calendar apps are for”
I see James walking out and I quickly get my stuff, I knock over my pencil case. Quickly pick it up and quickly walk out of the classroom.
I go out into the hallway, James isn’t there.
I go to open my locker and see a necklace, I pick it up. It burns my hand and I drop it. Who wears pure silver?! Who brings pure silver to school?!
I look around to see if anyone saw it, thankfully no one did.
Vampires are allergic to pure silver, so I run into the school bathrooms. Look at my hand, I have a burn mark on it, it hurts really bad. I put my hand under the water, it hurts so bad. My fangs come out.
Shit shit shit shit shit shit fucking fuck.
I haven’t told anyone about it, not even Barty. So why do I keep wishing I could tell James?
After school I’m home, I quickly run into the bathroom to change back into my feminine clothes.
“Mother”
I walk into my room and lay down in my bed looking at the mark on my hand. I hear footsteps approaching and hide my hand.
“Were you calling me?” mother says as she’s walking into my room.
“I was. I’m home” I reply.
“I can see that.”
“There’s a party tonight at Evan Rosiers, and everyone is going, so I wanted to see if I could go” mother grabs me by the chin studying my face.
“You look peaked. Please tell me the night terrors haven’t started. How are you feeling?” she asks.
“I feel great.” That was a lie.
“Then I don’t see why not” she says, I smile.
“Okay” I say, happily, I look down at her hand that is still holding my chin “you can unhand me now”
“Oh. yes.” She says and pats my cheek “see you at dinner” she walks out of my room.
I put on some music and lay down in my bed again. Thinking about James Potter, his eyes, his stupid messy hair that looks way too good on him, his lips.
I lay like that for a while, then the migraine kicks in again. I hurry downstairs and look for them in my bag. I can’t find them, where are they?
“Regina” mother says and she holds my pills up as I turn my head to look at her. She’s standing beside dad.
“You went through my bag?” I ask, I mean they clearly did. What if they found my maskuline clothes? Oh god, please don’t tell me that’s what this is about.
“Sit down, girl,” father says.
“You can’t keep taking these.” mother then says “they clearly aren’t effective anymore. Your body is changing.”
“My body, mother” I say.
“We shouldn’t have let her wait this long”
“I’m not ready, father” I say, I really don’t want to kill.
“It is not that hard. Just choose someone” mother says. It is that hard.
“Walburga, please. Just..” he says to mother and then turns to me “Reigns I know it's scary”
“No, no it’s not scary it’s wrong.” I say, I really don’t want to do it “I don’t know why I have to do this”
“Because every day you don’t, you put the entire family at risk” mother says in a harsh done, then sighs “there are humans trying to hunt and kill us.”
“Orion has made in safe for us here in savannah, as safe as he can, but we survived by our commitment to blending in. Hiding in plain sight, and every day you refuse to embrace your nature you are closer to the day where it controls you. The day you kill recklessly because you simply must feed.” mother looks like she wants to rip by organs out one by one, she probably goes.
“Oh, no. What did you do this time Reggie?” Bella was suddenly behind me.
“Just wanted to go to a party” I say staring at the floor.
“Ooo a party” Bella says, she is the party animal of the family.
“Bellatrix.” mother warns “this is serious”
“Yes. Very. Is that what you’re planning to wear? Come with me. We can do better” she says and I walk out of the room and into Bellas.
She’s doing my hair.
“You know it’s okay to be nervous, sweet little” she says “your first kill is a big step. It changes you”
“What if I don’t wanna change?”
“You’re already changing. Which is why the pills aren’t working. Your senses are heightened. The kill just kind of tips the scale”
“What was it like? Your first”
“Frank. He was beautiful. Eyelashes for days, and the most beautiful smile. You know, he barely even fought back. I think some people prefer to die young” I don’t like the way Bella is talking about this, she has a smile on her lips looking back on it as a happy memory “Hair jewelry. That’s what you need, the right hair jewelry and a perfect big juicy carotid artery. You are going to have so much fun. Just go out there and find someone. Unless you already have”
As Bella says this I think of James.
“I like him” I say.
“You want him” Bella replies.
“No, I don’t wanna hurt him.. I don’t wanna hurt anyone” Bella turns me around after I said the last part.
“Does your throat feel like it’s on fire yet? Have you started crying blood? You keep putting this up it’s only going to get worse” she says, her tone sounds sharp “Ok, now I did your makeup a little more masculine, take something masculine with you so you can change at the party. Just remember, stay calm, be prepared, and always finish what you start”
Barty picked me up for the party.
“Reggie, did Bella dress you? There’s no way you could’ve done that yourself” Barty says as I enter his car.
“Drive.” I say, I'm done with his shit right now.
“Chill man, do you have anything to change into?”
"Yes. Now drive asshole”
As we get into the party there’s already a lot of people. Barty picks up two of the drinks that must be welcome drinks and hands one to me.