Hogwarts.
August 31st, 1976.
Dinner came and passed and now it’s currently nine o’clock and Regulus is making triple sure that he has everything he needs for tomorrow when he realizes he’s missed his sleeping jumper, he gets cold easily and sleeps in one, almost every night. He just started getting ready for bed with his pajama pants on and can’t for the life of him find his damn jumper.
He huffs rolling his eyes as he leaves his room and walks into his brother's room immediately hit with the smell of cigs and a song playing on his Muggle radio player, as Sirius and James share a cig blowing the smoke out the window.
“All the young dudes (hey dudes!)
Carry the news (where are you?)
Boogaloo dudes (stand up, come on!)
Carry the news”
Regulus snares as he walks to the radio player and turns off the song causing Sirius to look up, finally noticing the younger one in his room.
“I was listening to that!”
“I don’t care, it’s a terrible song anyways.”
“If you only came in here to insult my music choices then-“
“I’m looking for my jumper.” Regulus replies as he looks through the pile of clothes in his brother's room. “Have you seen it?”
“No Reg I haven’t seen it but please put on a shirt.” Sirius commented blowing the smoke out and passing the cig to James who sits frozen with wide eyes looking at Regulus.
Sirius whistles to grab his attention. “James, fag?”
That seems to knock James back into motion and he looks at Sirius confused. “What no I’m-“ he’s ready to defend himself, to say he’s not looking at Sirius’s brother, or that he’s not a fag before looking at Sirius’s stretched out hands passing him the cig. “Oh right yeah.” James says quietly, a little embarrassed as he takes the cigarette.
“Sirius!”
“Reg I haven’t seen your damn jumper!” Sirius yells back at his brother as Regulus grows frustrated. “Calm down, maybe you already packed it in your truck.”
“No, no I didn’t. I know I didn’t. And I need it to sleep Siri..” The younger one whispers, looking and sounding choked up like he’s going to cry if he doesn’t find it. Sirius expresses softens immediately.
“Hey. Hey look, it's fine.” Sirius gets up and goes over to his dresser pulling out a jumper, it’s one of Moony’s that Sirius stole but he has plenty of Remus’s sweaters. He can spare one to give to his brother.
Regulus takes the jumper fast, like Sirius is going to change his mind at any minute before putting it on automatically relaxing. “Thanks.”
“Of course Reggie. Other than the jumper are you ready for tomorrow?”
“Yes Sirius.” He huffs, crossing his arms. “Believe it or not I’m not a child, I’ve packed for Hogwarts five times before.”
“I know you little shit.”
“I’m going to bed.” Regulus says bluntly, turning his heels and walking out of the room, closing the door. Sirius chuckles a little, shaking his head before going over to the window to James taking the cig.
“Hey Prong.” Sirius calls, blowing out the smoke.
“Hm?”
“My little brother is off limits.”
James looks over at Sirius so fast he thinks he was close to
breaking his own neck. “Wh-What?!” James wheezes out in disbelief. “Sirius I woul-I don’t- I would never-“
Sirius raises an eyebrow as he finishes the cig throwing it out the window. “James, don't insult my intelligence. I have eyes and a brain.”
James' blood runs cold, was he really that obvious? How long had Sirius known? Why hasn’t he said anything until now? Oh, James' head hurts with all these questions running through them at what feels like a million miles an hour, he tries to catch one. To hold onto it and ask it but he can’t find one to start with. His mouth opens and closes like a fish gasping in the air, wanting to be released back into the water.
“Wha- Sirius I.. I..” He doesn’t know what he’s trying to say. “I’m sorry..” His voice breaks as he looks down at his hands. “I’m so sorry Sirius I-I didn’t mean..”
Sirius softens up almost immediately, cursing his soft spot for James and Regulus, who can make him fold like a fucking lawn chair instantly.
“No James look.. I-I’m not mad. I just-“ Sirius struggles to find the words as he runs his fingers through his hair. “I know you can’t control who you like, trust me I know. But Reg just got his whole world turned upside down and the last thing he needs right now is a relationship.. Plus he’s my baby brother and he..” Sirius swallows. “He’s not even out to me yet..” He mutters, squeezing his eyes.
Look, he knows about Regulus, how can he not? That’s his baby brother who he raised, he knows Reg inside and out, plus Sirius himself is gay, and he doesn’t want to say ‘oh I know when someone’s gay because I am.’ No, that’s bullshit you can’t just tell someone’s sexuality, but deep down, some part of Sirius has just always known about Regulus. And it hurts that his baby brother doesn’t trust him enough to tell him.
“I know..” Whispered James, voice quiet and thick with emotion, sounding like a broken shell of a man.
“A-And it’s Regulus James.. No offense but this isn’t like all the other times you ‘fell in love’ with one of us. It’s my baby brother and I can’t have his heart breaking when you decide that there’s someone else you love..”
James Potter’s heart breaks even though he tries not to show it and clears his throat, it suddenly feels heavy and dry. He feels like he could cry at any moment as he looks back up at Sirius, not quite meeting his eye. “I-I know..”
There’s silence for a while before James speaks up again. “How long have you known?..”
Sirius smiles sadly at his friend. “I’ve been suspicious since 5th year.. You always wanted to talk about him, or dropped hints to have me start a conversation about him but I didn’t know until the other night at the park..”
“Oh..”
“Yeah..”
Another stretch of silence.
“I won’t do anything about it..”
Sirius just nods a little. “Good, please don’t.”
“I won’t.”
And that’s that, they sat in Sirius’s room for a while, the air was thick, and heavy, they didn’t really know what to say, so they didn’t say much. Music playing in the background, Bowie, Queen, ABBA, it shuffled through all of it as him and Sirius silently smoked through another whole box of cigs, before someone knocked on the door, and their mum poked her head in smiling a little, before her face turned to confusion and she tried to hide it, she can feel the stiffness in the room, the unspoken words in the air.
“Me and your father are off to bed, it’s almost twelve, maybe you should go to your room James. You boys have a big day tomorrow.”
“Last first day at Hogwarts.” James says with a smile before snapping his head to look at Sirius with wide eyes, realizing what he just said and the gravity of it. “Last first day..”
Sirius seems to have caught on and is looking at James with the same expression.
Oh, right..
They never thought of it like that before. This was their last year.
Sirius smiles a little and tears up as he thinks about losing his first home. “Last first day Prongs.. Ready for it?..”
James chuckles, his voice cracking a little, tears falling from his eyes as he shakes his head. “No..”
Sirius reaches around and pulls his best friend into a tight hug as they silently cry, they cry at the thought of losing something that they don’t want to let go of, their childhood. This is it. Their adults, no more parties, no more pranks, no more childlike wonder. Adulthood is hitting them full in the face, full speed ahead and they can’t stop it or slow it down and that thought..
That realization terrifies them.
Around two hours later, after the tears, Sirius finds himself sitting on the bing bag dozing off as he watches his brother sleep.
The older Black son worries for his baby brother, about when they're at Hogwarts and in different dorms, different parts of the castle. Who will watch over Regulus after a bad night, after all he wants to do is run and hide, after reliving that traumatic night over and over. Sirius was lucky, he had James for those nights but Regulus.. Sirius knows that realistically Regulus has Barty and Evan. Those boys would walk through fire for Regulus, but he also knows his brother. How stubborn he can be, how asking for help and showing he’s weak doesn’t come easy to him.
“Crying is a form of weakness.” Their mother used to say.
Bullshit. Thinks Sirius as he stirs on the bing bag trying to get comfortable. Crying is proof that you’ve been strong for too long as Effie had once told Sirius one night, after he had ran away himself.
Sirius had just woken up from a bad night, for the past few weeks James had insisted that Sirius room with him but after a while Sirius just wanted a bed to himself, after all he thought he could handle it better now. It’s been so long, and the nightmares seemed to have died down.
Oh how wrong he was.
He woke up shaking, in a pool of his own sweat and tears before rolling out of bed to go downstairs. He wanted some water, and maybe walking and moving his body would get his mind off his recent night terror. He makes his way down the stairs and into the kitchen to see Effie sitting at the island with a cup of hot tea.
“Couldn't sleep?” The kind woman says to him in a soft voice, looking over at him with equally kind eyes.
Sirius can only shake his head worried that his voice might break on him as he sits down next to her, not looking the woman in the eyes.
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
He repeats over and over like a prayer in his head, he can’t cry, he can’t show how weak he truly is.
“Darling..” The voice whispers and Euphima reaches over, lightly grabbing Sirius’s chin to make him look up at her. Her eyes are big with understanding and love and sorrows and it’s enough to make Sirius almost crack but he can’t. He just can’t.
“Sirius, it’s okay..”
“No..No it’s not..” The boy whispers feeling small and weak.
“You know.. Crying isn’t a form of weakness darling, it’s just proof that we’ve been strong for too long..”
Well that-
That changes everything.
When Sirius thinks about it he realizes that the older woman isn’t wrong. Sirius had been strong, so fucking strong for so long and he’s tried of it, he’s tried of fighting and of having to always be the tough one. He’s been strong for himself and Regulus since he was born, always looking out for not only himself but also his baby brother and he just wants to let out, to let the demons out and explode and that’s exactly what he did.
He cries, in Euphemia Potter's arms and she only holds him, whispering sweet words into his ear as the young boy falls apart before his very seams.
The Potters helped Sirius more than anyone can ever know, they helped him learn that he was worth loving, that he was good. No one ever made him feel that way before he meant James Potter, he knew, deep down, that Regulus loved him but a small part of his mind always thought that unlike James’s love, maybe Regulus’s wasn’t unconditional. Maybe Regulus only loved Sirius because Sirius protected the younger boy.
And that scares him, it paralyzes him with fear.
Almost as much as the screams that fall out of his baby brother's lips, raw and gut wrenching screams of terror.
Sirius jumps up and goes over to Regulus’s bed climbing in with him and holds the smaller boy against his chest.
“Shhhh.. Shh Reggie, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’m here.” Sirius soothed his brother's screams as Regulus woke up shaking violently all over.
“Siri.” Regulus whimpered and it broke Sirius’s heart hearing his brother like this.
“Yeah bub.. Yeah I’m here.” Reassured the older one. “It’s just a dream, I’m here.”
“Sick..” Muttered Regulus as he claws at this throat and squeezes his eyes shut.
“Shit okay, okay hold on.” Sirius gets up frantically and helps Regulus up before opening the door and going to the bathroom a few steps down the hallway, as soon as they get there Regulus falls to his knees by the toilet and empties his dinner from his stomach.
“Shit.” Sirius whispered to himself, looking away from the toilet bowl, he always did have a weak stomach for puke but he’ll put that aside, his brother needed him. He thought before getting on his knees next to Reg and rubbing his back, waiting for Regulus to empty it all out.
He tries to focus on comforting his baby brother and not the smell filling the bathroom. Regulus leans his head back and chokes out a sob.
“This isn’t fair.” He cries out.
“I know..”
“Why me? Why us Siri?”
“I don’t know.” Replied Sirius as he turned his brother to look at him. “I don’t know Reg, I really don’t and it’s fucked up, but what I do know is it’s us and we’re in this together. You’re my baby brother, my responsibility, remember? And I promise, I promise on everything I love, on the moon itself that I will never leave you like that again. I got you.” Sirius has never been more truthful or serious about anything in his life as he looks into his baby brother's eyes, his big gray eyes that lost their childhood innocence at too young an age.
“H-How did you do it? How did you make it out fine?”
Sirius chuckles a little and shakes his head. “Who said I’m fine Reg?”
“Oh..” Replied Regulus as he looked away from Sirius’s eyes in deep thought.
“I had nights, just like you do. James- Well he would- would hold me, remind me where I was and that I was safe..” Sirius explained quietly, smiling a little. He would’ve survived the past six years without James Potter. He made the world brighter with only a simple smile. Worry, fear, and sadness seemed irrelevant when James Potter came into his life, an optimist who’s smile could warm even the darkest of hearts.
“I-“ Regulus starts biting his lip, stopping himself. He wants to say it, he wants to tell Sirius, to say those three little words, it shouldn’t be hard, he’s said it to him before, just three fucking words but he can’t, it can’t let them slip out no matter how much he wants it to, no matter how much he means it.
Fuck! Fucking fuck fuck fuck!
Sirius raises an eyebrow, his impatiens showing clear on his face, “You?”
“You’re an ugly crier.” Regulus snorts through the tears, teasing his brother. The best approach really.
“Oh fuck off.” Laughed Sirius. “I’m beautiful and you know it.”
“You’re average looking.”
“Average! Regulus I am not average, I’m the peak of beauty.”
“You’re also the peak of a drama queen.”
“It’s a part of my charm dickhead.”
“You don’t have charms Sirius. You’re an idiot, but it’s not charming.”
“Moony thinks I’m very charming.”
“Yes, I thought about that and there are only two explanations. One; he is blinded by love, two; he hit his head as a child.”
“Oy! Don’t insult my moon, that’s a low blow!”
“I didn’t insult Remus, I insult you.”
Sirius pouts a little and gasps dramatically. “Regulus Prongs was right, you are so mean!”
Regulus smiles, raising an eyebrow. “I know, it’s all part of my charm.”
Sirius just smiles and rolls his eyes, bumping their shoulders together and ruffling his brother's hair.
“Using my line, I’m hurt.”
“Yes, well you’ll recover.”
September 1st, 1976
“Right, now are you sure you have everything? Wands, jumpers, clean underwear?”
“Merlin, yes mum.” Complained James as Effie fiddles with his hair trying to make it stay down.
“Why must you have gotten your fathers hair genetics?”
“Mum stop, it's fine.” Huffed James looking around embarrassingly at his mothers antics, Regulus and Sirius stand next to the pair trying not to laugh, unlike Monty who’s laughing loudly at his son.
“James, she does this every year, this is the last time so just sit through it.” The boy's father stated and James only sighed in defeat as Effie checked over him one last time.
The five Purebloods were at Kings Cross Station on platform nine and three quarters, the crimson red train in front of them as students of all ages board, waiting for their next adventure at the wizarding school. Regulus has to admit that he himself is excited for his own little adventure this year with his friends, and can not wait to get on the train and sit in his and his friends train department. It has been their department since second year honestly, their own little home away from home, where no one bothers them, no praying eyes, where they can just be themselves in the comfort of the tiny room.
Regulus glances up at the train and feels a smile tug on the corner of his lips. The train was the first ever place he’s ever felt wanted at. Evan wanted Reg to sit with them that day. The youngest Black knew deep down that his brother would always want him, that he loved him but sometimes Regulus felt like he was a burden to Sirius. Sometimes he thinks Sirius’s life would be better off without having to worry about his little brother and sometimes Regulus thinks that Sirius thinks that too. How easy it would be to just fend for himself and not have to worry about anyone else.
Sirius nudges his brother gently, making Regulus look at him with questioning eyes as Sirius throws a glance at Effie who is still fussing over James' hair. “il été un tel fils à maman.”
Regulus mouth opens and closes like a gaping fish suffocating on oxygen. It’s been years since the brothers have spoken French to each other, their parents made them learn the language since their mother was half French. They always told the pair it was an elegant and beautiful language and Regulus had to agree, he loved French much more than English. Sirius on the other hand hated it, hated how it sounded, hated that it was just another thing their parents forced onto them.
When they were little they used to speak it to each other all the time, and used to think of it as their own language, a secret between only the two of them.
Times have changed since then.
Regulus quickly dug himself out of his head and straightened his poster, trying to show that the change of language had no effect on him. “laisse me tranquille, c’est gentil en quelque sorte.”
Sirius snorts and rolls his eyes mumbling, “ouais, venant de l’autre fils à maman.”
That sung just a little, but Regulus wouldn’t let it show. “ouais, venant de l’autre fils à maman.”
Sirius snorts putting his hands up in defeat, “mais oui mais oui n’importe quoi, t’as été le plus gros fils à maman en grandissant reg pas la peine de le nier.”
“Non sirius t’as mal compris, je n’en ai jamais été.” Regulus explained only to cause Sirius to laugh like Regulus said a dumb joke, but it’s the truth, it’s the truth dammit! Reg wasn’t a mama's boy. “je suis sérieux!” He tried again.
“No, I’m Sirius.” His brother joked back in English and Regulus shakes his head, hearing that same joke a million times in his short life span.
“J’ai jamais été un fils à maman.” Whispered Regulus before backing away to the red train as it blew the whistle for its final minutes to board. Effie had reluctantly let her son go and James smiled walking over to Regulus and Sirius.
“Ready to g-“
“I was a Sirius boy..” Regulus whispered before he shoved passed the boys and onto the train looking for his department.
He didn’t see the crushing look on his brother's face, the look of sadness, confusion, pity, and anger. He didn’t see how Sirius flexed his knuckles and looked to the ground jaw clinched but eyes soft. He didn’t see James looking between the brothers, one looking heartbroken, the other heartless as he strolls on the train, not taking a glance back.
“What was that about?..” Asked James quickly, unsure what to say or do to help in the situation. With Sirius and Regulus he hardly knows what to say or do when they have a strop.
Sirius looks up, jaw still clutched shut but eyes soft, like he doesn’t know whether to run and hug his little brother or run and punch him, so all he does is just his head to the side and tries to put on a smile. “Nothing. Let’s go mate, Remus and Pete are probably wondering where we are.”
September 2nd, 1976
Have you ever loved someone so intensely that you would live for them? That you would break your own morals and heart for them? Sirius Orion Black knows this feeling well, and has lived that way since the second his baby brother was born.
December 26th, 1960 at 6:28pm just as the sun was setting, the day right after Christmas his baby brother, the reason Sirius does everything he ever does, the reason he lives and breathes was born.
Sirius was only one, had just turned one a month before his brother was born but even from that young age he knew Reggie was his, his baby, his brother to cherish and love and live for and from that moment on he did just that. Everything in his power to protect Regulus he did and he never complained for years. Still to this day he would never complain.
So what happens when your reason for living just doesn't want anything to do with you anymore?
The last time Sirius talked to Regulus was before they boarded the train, Sirius tried to get his brother to talk to him but being dramatic runs in the Black family because Regulus would literally turn and run the other way, away from his brother.
Sirius loves his brother to death, but Sirius also wants to strangle his brother to death.
“Why won’t he just talk to me!” The older Black brother whines, falling dramatically face first on his boyfriend's bed.
“Because he’s a dramatic little shit?” Tries Remus not looking up from his potions textbook.
“We already knew that.” Sirius rolls his eyes and flips over on his back taking the book from Remus who tries to reach for it.
“Sirius!” Remus shouts.
“No no no.” Sirius shakes his head putting the book on the nightstand. “We only just had our first day of lessons moons, I’m not letting you study already.” Commented Sirius and Remus sighs in defeat, he could go one day without studying he guesses.
“Fine, fine.” Remus mumbles trying to look down annoyed at Sirius before running his fingers through Sirius’s hair to calm him down. “Regulus will come around, you know. He’s incapable of being mad at you forever sweetheart.”
Sirius lets out a soft sigh at the feeling of his boyfriends hands running through his hair, calming him right down. Remus has always known how to calm Sirius down from just about anything. Plus Remus’s fingers are a work of magic, everything the wolf does is a work of magic. Magic that Sirius had been obsessed over since he was only an eleven year old boy and didn’t know why he would get that feeling in his chest and the redness in his cheeks when Remus was around.
Like Sirius said, it is simply magic, without a shadow of a doubt.
“Yeah I guess, he’s just being a little shit.” Grumbled Sirius with a pout.
“Mhm.” Remus looks down and smirks at the black hair boy in his lap. “He learns from the best.”
Sirius lets out a dramatic gasp, putting his hand over his heart. “Moony! My little perfect moon! How dare you! I am not- I would never- me dramatic? Really?”
Remus rolled his eyes as the corners of his mouth raised slightly, as he tried not to smile.
Remus John Lupin has only been in love once in his short 16 years of life on this planet. With the one and only Sirius Orion Black, Remus remembers the day that happened like it was yesterday.
Shit shit shit! Fucking shit on a damn dick tit!
Remus’s mind is racing as he and Sirius run down the dark halls of the castle, they’ve lost Peter and James in the chaos which isn’t exactly ideal because James is the one with the (only half finished) map. You see the 3rd year old group of rowdy boys decided to prank the Slytherin common room, so they snuck in and right when they were about to leave after dying all their hair red (James and Sirius decided to leave Regulus’s room alone). Slughorn just happened to come in at that exact time.
Peter tripping, Sirius cursing loudly, and Remus and James grabbing each of them decided to make a run for it. James and Peter ventured off to the left while Remus’s idiotic self ran grabbing onto Sirius to the right, the opposite direction to their common room. Now please don’t blame Remus because when he panics his mind kind of goes blank under pressure.
So that’s how Sirius and Remus find themselves running, as fast as the wind down the halls. “There! There Moony!” Yelled Sirius pointing to a door. Remus opens it and pushes Sirius inside the broom closet before getting in himself and shutting it.
“God why did I run away from James?! He has the damn map!” Remus yelled quietly, frustrated with himself as he ran his hands through his hair.
Sirius makes a face, still out of breath as he wheezes out “God?”
Remus just shakes his head, not in the mood to teach Sirius Black of all people about Muggle religion. That really would make Remus wanna rip his hair out at this very moment.
Sirius, finally catching his breath, shrugs a little. “We’ll be fine.”
“I’m not about to get detention again, mum would kill me.”
“But you haven’t even had that many, only two.”
Remus looks up and glares at the idiot he calls a best friend. “Yeah, and it’s still September!”
Sirius looks down a little kicking the ground like a child getting scolded by their parents for taking the last cookie. “Okay.. Fair, but in our defense we-“ Sirius gets cut off by Remus jumping forward, pushing the older one into the wall and putting his hands on his mouth. Just when Sirius was about to ask ‘what the fuck?’ and pulled away he heard footsteps next to the door.
Sirius looked down the crack of the door and saw a shadow walking by, an adult shadow. Now they really would be in trouble if they got caught out so late after lights out. Remus, who was afraid of getting caught, now, for some reason, couldn’t care less as he looked at Sirius, who is still up against the wall as the taller one of the two is up against him, pressed chest to chest.
Remus thinks it’s hard to breathe as he looks into Sirius’s eyes, which are colorless, just gray, nothing special but.. Oh but Merlin, his eyes are breathtakingly gorgeous. The different shades of gray dancing around, actually dancing like a ballroom.
Remus' heart skipped a beat for the first time and for days after he would be looking in Muggle books and Wizarding ones alike to see if maybe, just maybe it wasn’t love but a heart attack..
He was hoping for a heart attack.
Sadly it wasn’t a heart attack.
Remus snaps back into reality and out of his head when the dorm room door bursts open and Prongs walks through looking dazed.
“You alright mate?” Ask Remus a little concerned as he moves himself and Sirius on his bed making room for James to sit next to them.
“Yeah yeah..” Muttered James, still in his dazed as he walks to the bed, on almost autopilot and sits next to Remus, letting Sirius throw his legs over him.
“Jamesie mate?” Asked Sirius, trying to grab his attention. “Seriously, what's wrong?”
“Minnie wanted to see..”
Sirius snorts, “In trouble already? And without me? How dare you.”
“No no..” Whispers James shaking his head. “She umm.. Asked me to be headboy..”
Sirius shoots up, almost breaking his neck to look over at his best mate. “What?! She asked you to be headboy?!”
“Yeah..” Muttered James awkwardly as he scratched at the back of his neck.
“You said no right?” Asked Sirius, his eyes turning into a glare because honestly, he had to have said ‘no’ because Sirius and James are not ‘rule followers’ and will never be, in the history of the whole damn universe.
“Well I mean- I was on the spot and I wasn’t thinking and all the candles were in the room and very bright so-“
“Candles? Fleamont James Potter do not tell me you blamed saying yes to being headboy on the candles.”
James starts stuttering a little as he picks at his nails, suddenly nervous, “well Sirius I umm.. I-”
“Great Merlin's tits Prongs,” whines Sirius as he lays back on his bed, putting his forearm dramatically over his face, coveringing his eyes as he groans, kicking his legs a little to really show his disappointment.
James winches slightly, curling back into himself, “I know Pads I know.”
“The betrayal James! I’d expect this from Pete, maybe even my dear Moony but you? You?” Sirius cries out, peaking his eyes out from behind his arm to look at his best mate and Remus just sighs, knowing his boyfriend all too well, knowing that Sirius will make a big deal out of this for a few days.
And Sirius did exactly that, and James, Remus, and Peter had to deal with a dramatic Sirius about how James became one of the enemies and betrayed all 3 of them by becoming the Gryffindor snitch.