GETTING OLDER
“As Icarus,
I was truly blinded.
As a sun,
With you only,
My day and night divided”
Introduction
On Evan Rosiers ninth birthday he received an exy racket and a black eye from his father. His mother had signed him up for little league alongside his friends in their surburan neighborhood.
By his next birthday his father was gone but Exy remained, Exy was what he wanted, Exy was the beginning, Exy was everything.
Evan Rosier had a habit for devoting himself into things, to go all in. If there was not complete and total dedication to the things you love, well what’s the point.
The little league was all well and good but soon enough he was on school teams, captaining them to victories and that was what he enjoyed most of all, winning, with his team by his side everything felt right and it didn’t matter if his father wasn’t in the stands or that he felt like a fraud. He had Exy and his family what more could he ask for…
Victoria was the oldest of his sisters obsessed with order and a mother hen, who had raised him in his youth when his mother had been working on her nursing degree.
Evangeline the middle child a self proclaimed free spirit.
Evans mother had never missed a game as if an attempt to mend the gaping absence of their father and when he was fourteen she had met Matt a doctor at the hospital and the bleeding wound had been stitched up with a new man in their house, a loving man who adored his mother and cared for Evan and his sisters bringing a new baby sister as well. Amelie. Well his half sister who he adored, with her golden curls and pink cheeks and obsession of Barbie dolls.
A complete family now, picture perfect.
He had shown up to high school games because of who he was, but it didn’t stop Evan chasing lingering shadows in the stands…waiting just like he used to do after practice on the curb of his middle schools entrance.
High school had been an introduction to many things in Evans life independence, parties and girls. Small southern towns usually had expertise on those three things and soon enough his high school days were a blur of Exy practice and outings with friends.
At sixteen he had been made captain and he was determined that they were going to win State if it was the last thing he did, dedicating so hard he ended up breaking up with his first girlfriend Brittany, even if it had been on friendly terms, that had been when Jackson had taken over his mind.
Jackson, the new transfer and goalie for the team who stayed late to let him practice, who snuck over for sleepovers and who in the dead of night he felt the urge to be closer than only friends could be.
In the beginning he had been jealous of Jackson, his ease among this new team, his friendly nature, the way he flashed his teeth in a smile, this new emotion had unnerved Evan as he had always been self assured and confident but it all got worse when the confusion began.
How after games they would share secret smiles, high fives on the pitch turned into hugs and finally into light kisses in the back of Jackson’s car. How in the back of parking lots Jackson could make him feel so wanted and yet when their fun was over he would get a friendly response and a ride home.
They were friends, teammates. That sort of closeness was expected in a team unit, in a successful sports partnership, on and off the pitch there was an expected sense of familiarity shared. It wasn’t like he wanted them to be something more, hell he wasn’t some chick wanting like labels or something but, it was just weird.
He had been so perplexed with everything that even his ditzy sister Evangeline had picked up some type of inward struggle and forced him into her room for mindfulness time. As he explained things to her she had taken a small brush as he sat on the ground by her bed as she combed his hair like she did when they were kids and helped him know this was normal, explainable, a natural feeling and definitely not shameful.
Evan overcome with relief broached the subject of being properly together publicly, it had not been something Jackson wanted and soon enough they were heading to the State Championships which they lost by an awful lot. He had tried to reassure himself and Jackson it didn’t matter as they’d have another attempt in their final year to win as a team before Jackson had broken the news to him he and his family were moving again.
What had been worse was how calmly he had broken the news to him like it didn’t matter as if this life altering thing had been temporary and now he was leaving which was fine, obviously and so their final night together had no melodrama just the same crushing normality.
Evan imagined if this was a movie now would be their heartfelt confession in the rain, he would beg him to stay through tears and Jackson would confess that was all he wanted but he couldn’t, they would fight and then kiss and then…in the morning Jackson would break the news he had managed to stay.
Because Evan lived in reality that didn’t happen instead they drove to a 7-11 where the cashier had flirted with him, they had bought slushies and two bags of chips.
All those secret nights over with only a simple goodbyes remaining “You know I’m really glad I met you” Jackson said as he drank the drink he had just bought from 7-11 as they sat in his car in the parking lot.
“I wish you didn’t have to leave” Evan replied staring at the side of his face in an attempt to memorise the long slope of his forehead and dark and handsome face “We never even got to win States”
Childishly Evan wanted Jackson to protest and say he wasn’t going, that they’d be together and bring their team to victory, even now. Instead he only seemed amused by Evans priorities.
“Nah it didn’t work out but I’m sure it will by next year” turning to face him now Jackson leaned forward in a way that made him think he was coming closer instead he pushed the stick of his car and turning the wheel “Everything is going to work out for you Evan”
A stifling silence filled the air and Evan wanted to say I wanted you, I wanted this to work out but whatever bravery he had in him had vanished and by the time he got to the door of his house he was ready to seek refuge in his bed.
As he said goodbye and got out of Jacksons truck Jackson stuck the window down and with that damn smile that had made him lose his mind.
“You know Rosier one day when your an Exy superstar I’m gonna be lucky to have played with you”
Then he was gone the compliment feeling like a punch to the gut and no goodbye.
Yes they had played together but was everything else just written off, meaningless. Evan saw online that six months later he had a girlfriend a pretty blonde, Emma from his new high school in Texas, a cheerleader, someone appropriate and public and that familiar jealousy returned and his shame turning into acts of retribution as he went out and had as much fun as a high-school team captain was expected to have. And practiced Exy, obviously.
Normality returned in his senior year as scouts visited his games, the same ones his family attended and the same place that simultaneously could lift him up like a god and make him feel anxiety ridden to the point of no return over fears of messing things up.
It was all fairly complicated as he was told high school was, he wondered when these messy feelings would retire but for now he pushed it all into Exy.
His focus firmly targeted onto the team and not unnecessary things he rallied them together in a whole new way being the best possible captain and it bought response.
This time they won States yet it felt distressingly emptier than he had expected until he met Moody, better known as Mad-Eye for his crazy eyes and his mad demeanor but he was a genius and Evans coach was saying he was here for him so he plastered a smile on his face as his team cheered and clapped his back before he made his way into the empty office.
“Ah Laddie” the gruff man loudly began extending his hand which Evan firmly shook “I’m here on behalf of USC for an Exy scholarship”
USC. His dream school, this wasn’t the first scholarship he had received but it was a top three, he wasn’t expecting one from the Ravens as his position as striker he didn’t think he would play over favoured newcomers and prodigy’s Rabastan Lestrange and Regulus Black.
The press had already seen them play but they would be joining the year after him to college Exy but they were already infamous.
The perfect court were the best but he wasn’t going to hold out hope for Coach Riddle to make his way to Georgia just for him but Moody was here with the perfect offer.
He’d got some from smaller schools like Maryland and Blackwell, but USC would be the perfect place for recruitment, they’d had a rough couple of seasons, knocked out early but the media was saying Moody wasn’t to be counted out yet.
“I want you for USC Evan your coach says your a good kid, talented, a team player, take on a lot of responsibility” Moody had the way of making things sound accusatory “Is that right?”
”Uh yes sir” a little of his southern drawl dripping out.
How could explain he took on responsibility because he felt this overwhelming need to fix things, to be in control, honestly even in his head it was a rather pathetic observation. Much better to play it cool.
“Good I’m making a whole new turning point for USC I want us to be winners and after watching you, well your coach wasn’t exaggerating”
“Oh uh thank you” Evan said his smile no longer needing to be faked, Moody just gave him a look over that seemed somewhat judgmental in all honesty.
“Yes well don’t be too cheery I’ll just go speak to your parents outside”
His family supportive as always were overjoyed if not concerned he would be going so far away, his oldest sisters were in college in Georgia not really wanting to leave home, but if he wanted to play Exy he would have to.
The nerves got to him in the summer as he kept practicing in the off season and the ever present voice in his head telling him he wasn’t going to be good enough.
As his last few weeks came to a close before college his whole neighbourhood came round with food and well wishes to celebrate his success and it would of been good until he got the call.
His father had called his mother and demanded to speak to him, she had tried to protest but Evan had taken the phone off her and exited the house to continue whatever conversation this was going to be.
He usually only called if he needed something or once a year when he remembered, oh yeah I wonder what my old families up to. Shockingly it never went down well and most of the time his mother never even picked up.
“Hi Julian” Evan said his voice surprisingly calm he wasn’t eleven years old begging his mother to bring his father home, because even if he was quick to anger and had left, he was still his dad, at least back then “Why are you calling”
He had long since resolved the fact his father was not a good person, and in the same way he went about everything tucked that calm conclusion into the back of his brain.
“Heard you’re making something of yourself saw online your heading to USC I was telling the guys at work” the man spoke into the phone his voice one of a stranger but yet the condescending tone carrying familiarity.
“Online” Evan reiterated unsure if he should be furious that the first time in little under a decade he was speaking to him was after he had seen he was successful it - hurt.
“Yeah listen kid I have to go got things to do y’know how it is but send up tickets if I’m in town I’ll try to catch a game with the family” and he promptly hung up the phone leaving Evan alone on the steps of his house, when he was a kid he had never come to his games and had left with no goodbye and now he wanted to be around.
And yet his dad wanted to be around surely that meant something but he wanted to go with his family, a new one not the old one he had left behind. Damn him.
He hadn’t even noticed his eldest sister Victoria, the only one not to inherit their mothers blonde hair and light features, a mirror image of their father had been waiting for him outside.
“What’s that all about” she asked as blunt as ever as she sat on the steps beside him.
“It was dad-Julian” running a hand through his hair he continued “he heard about USC wants to see a game to send him a couple of tickets”
He got a scoff in response.
“Right I’m sure” Victoria said shaking her head before angrily turning to face him their father had always been a sensitive subject for her the most as she had been older “what and you agreed”
Victoria had been the only way to vehemently never pick up the phone when he asked for her, Evan wondered if it was due to her great dislike for the man or the ever present hurt at his betrayal.
She had been closest to him and remembered a time when he was around as well as old enough to catch on rather quickly he wasn’t coming back.
”What the hell Victoria of course not…What does it even matter anyway all of this was years ago?”
“It matters because he deserted us, he left for a new family and never looked back. Nothing you can give him will make him want you Evan”
Evan planned to put a stop to her shouting but the angry tears that followed stopped him, his strong sister seemed fragile just at the mention of him.
”He doesn’t get to call up one day and decide he wants to reconnect, to take his pick…” her voice stopped sounding harsh and instead broken as her strong face broke down and he wrapped his arms around her hysterically crying “its not fair and now your leaving and its all ruined”
”What’s ruined” Evan genuinely wondered aloud rubbing her back soothingly.
Sniffling Victoria shook her head “Are you going to be okay all the way in California, it’s so far, you don’t have to go”
”Yeah of course I’m always aright and I know the type of guy Dad is he hasn’t been gone long enough for me to forget” Evan huffed they never usually brought up their father a sensitive subject due to the extreme emotions brought out as he stood up.
”And yes it’s far but well I get to play Exy, Vic” Evan let out a small breath and his sister began to compose herself and stand up as well “I get to play at USC, if I do well even go pro”
He could see his sister nodding slightly in understanding, as upset as he was by change and being out of control.
“Of course your gonna do well Evan and go as far as anyone can” Victoria tutted and began straightening his top now unconsciously talking matter of factly as she turned to walk away.
“USC won’t even see what’s coming, you’ll get on that first team and show everyone what a superstar you are”
When he made his way back to the party his mother grabbed him and Victoria into a hug. She might not have been able to protect them back then but she could now and as always seemed to be able to read his mind.
”Is Tori okay, your father he didn’t say anything bad did he, it’s just well he had been calling a lot asking for you. I didn’t want, well you to miss out on something important, even if it was from your father” his mum whispered her face one of worry as they stood just off to the side of the party.
“No it was fine mom, Tori was just upset I’m leaving”
“Oh Evan of course she is” sighing to shake her head she gave a little laugh “I think we are all terrified of you going even if we are incredibly proud”
“I know Mom” he said a little red though always feeling an odd sense of warmth at his moms compliments “it’s all going to be great that I get to play”
“Huh” she said shaking her head with faint amusement “you and Exy, well I hope you find someone in California you feel that strongly about”
“California” Evan said aloud, it finally setting in.
”Yeah honey, cmon let’s go back to the party, you are the guest of honor” grabbing him gently and knocking him out of his daze she pulled him back into the party as music played and congratulations flowed past him.
Yes Exy may be everything but so was home but at eighteen Evan made his way to the west coast to USC alone and anxious about the journey ahead…