Chapter 3
It's safe in the city to love in a doorway
To wrangle some screams from the dawn
And isn't it me, putting pain in a stranger?
Like a portrait in flesh, who trails on a leash
Will you see that I'm scared and I'm lonely?
So I'll break up my room, and yawn and I
Run to the center of things
Where the knowing one saysBoys, boys, it's a sweet thing
Boys, boys, it's a sweet thing, sweet thing
If you want it, boys, get it here, thing
'Cause hope, boys, is a cheap thing, cheap thingI'm glad that you're older than me
Makes me feel important and free
Does that make you smile, isn't that me?
I'm in your way, and I'll steal every moment
If this trade is a curse, then I'll bless you
And turn to the crossroads of Hamburg, as in
'Regulus what have you done?' Regulus swallowed awkwardly, avoiding eye contact with his brother who stared at him in disbelief.
Why couldn't he just leave him alone.
'Please, just don't.' He spoke, yet it came out barely as a whisper. He felt his breathing raise and his heartbeat spike, his mind running at fifty miles per hour.
He was too scared to look up, he couldn't bare to see Sirius' defeated expression. He knew what expression was left on his face and he needn't have to look at him to understand it.
It was hurt, betrayal, fear and disappointment.
Oh the disappointment. The other three he could deal with but the disappointment would follow him in his dreams forever.
'If you hadn't left none of this would have happened. Why did you leave me Sirius? Why did you leave me with those horrible people when you know that they'd take it out on me!' He was raising his voice, starting in a whisper and almost yelling at the end. He rarely raised his voice because he hated it. He hated most of him, but right now he couldn't care less, he was angry, upset, maybe there was no direct word for it.
They were just outside of the greathall when Sirius noticed Regulus walking in the same direction as his. He was absolutely shocked when he saw his little brother's face, meanwhile students were flooding in every second for dinner, yet neither of them could care less.
'If you hadn't burnt that letter I'd still have my bloody eye!' He was looking back at Sirius now who was staring right back at him, empty words filling up his lungs. Regulus felt his eyes tearing up but he couldn't care, he hated his brother for leaving him and he hated himself for blaming his brother for it.
'I'm in ruins without you. I have no place to go.' He sobbed. Regulus didn't cry often especially not in front of others. "Crying is a sense of weakness." His mother told him growing up. In fact he couln't remember one time when he raised his voice in public, let alone cried.
They were at the same place, right by the entrance of the great hall and Sirius pulled him in for a hug. A big comfortable hug. A hug he never wanted to let go off as they both cried, full with hurt, yet love.
So full of love. They had both desired to just speak to each other for months but with Walburga's abuse and her reading Regulus' mind they couldn't, they both knew that.
When he opened his eyes, letting out a couple more silent tears, wiping them away.
When he opened his eyes, staring down, he heard Peter gasp. He knew he must have looked terrifying but it still hurt to hear someone respond to seeing him like that, he was too scared to look at him directly for the moment but he saw someone, probably Remus hit his head and shaking his head. He would fix it all later. He wasn't weak
His eye, beside the redness, was starting to heal and turn a light shade of blueish gray due to a defect in pigmentation, and made everything he saw from it blurry and cloudy, as if he only held it open the slightest amount without it being closed entirely. It hurt.
His eyes rested on James who did not seem scared, only worried. Regulus hated that his actions caused someone so beautiful as James to feel pain. He hated himself.
He felt Sirius pull black slightly. 'D'you want to go talk somewhere? James and I managed to get you something over the break too, we'd like to show you.'
Regulus had started to notice how his brother's accent was changing over the years, spending all his time with his friends made him careless, it was probably Remus' Welsh accent affecting him, he probably did it too to make himself forget about his posh blood lineage.
He shrugged, turning around, readying himself to follow Sirius and regaining his temperm He hoped people weren't staring at him, he knew they were, especially when he heard James yell; 'what the fuck are you all staring at? Mind your own business!' But he wasn't sure whether it was his imagination playing tricks on him as it had been doing the last week. Probably because of the lack of food, nutrients, motivation, and sleep, he'd been surviving on Sirius' leftover cigarettes he stole before Christmas.
He wasn't sure how and when he got there but Sirius led him far from the great hall, towards an empty bathroom, it was as if he knew it would be empty.
Sirius, very carefully, handed him a medium sized package, James standing just behind him, waiting patiently for him to open it. It was one of those presents that consist of a paper box with a ribbon covering it instead of actual wrapping paper, a red box with a golden ribbon. Gryffindor colours.
As he opened it his eyes widened in an instant. Inside, there were four vials of testosterone, a couple needles and a handwritten letter with instructions, it was James' handwriting.
'Why- how did you- I...' He cleared his throat. He became entirely speechless, no full sentences forming in his head, he could only quietly stare and mumble something under his breath. He was expecting a lot of things but this wasn't one of them.
'My mom, she eh, had some old acquaintance who owed her something so I figured I'd ask...' James blushed, rubbing his neck with his hand as he usually did when he became nervous or flustered.
'Thank you, James.' Regulus nodded at him, softly. He was so smart, so beautiful, so tall, he was so perfect.
Regulus looked up at him because of his height difference and smiled at this to himself mentally, James must have been at least 10cm taller than the younger boy.
He heard Sirius clear his throat and they backed up, James' cheeks still pink, Regulus imagined that his own weren't much lighter either.
It was better with his brother there. He could finally breathe again. He hadn't spoken to any other people yet, not even his roommates and sneaked in late at night, leaving before they woke up. He hated confrontation.
He spent most of his nights in the astronomy tower, staring at the beautiful night sky, hours after hours. He figured the Marauders must have used their map to find him because he was almost never alone there, which he did not mind.
The one who was there the most often was James. He would find Regulus almost on the daily, telling stories or listening to the younger's thoughts. James talked more, Regulus did not mind, he loved hearing his voice.
His own voice had started to change over time too, now deeper, sometimes still some slight voice cracks slipping in but he'd just laugh those off, embarrassed. James would laugh with him, smiling at him, looking at him with so much adoration day after day. The changes came faster than it usually did by the average person, it must be the magic.
One night when Regulus was waiting patiently for James, he accidentally fell asleep, curled up in a ball.
When he woke up, not too long after, he saw James lie next to him, asleep, he was holding his hand and had used his robes as a blanket to cover Regulus, he looked so peaceful.
Regulus stared at him, softly brushing his hair out of the elder's eyes, smiling to himself, yet feeling anxious by the bold affection set in motion by him.
He felt James grab his hand tighter, pulling Regulus closer to his body, half asleep he opened his eyes.
'Hey.' Regulus spoke, finally hearing himself in his voice now. "You should've woken me up."
'Mmmhh...' James groaned, he was still half asleep.
Regulus didn't know where he got the courage from, but he softly placed his hand, the one that was holding onto James' only a second earlier, on James' right cheek, caressing it with his thumb.
James opened his eyes now, staring into Regulus' now, all tiredness had gone away as he swallowed and hesitantly looked down at Regulus' lips, only to look back up carefully to witness the younger's expression and expression, but he did not have to wait another second longer because Regulus placed his own lips on top of James'.
Soft at first, full of desire next.
They lips fit perfectly, it almost felt as if they were made for each other, so soft, so tender, so sweet.
Regulus pushed James' body down until his back hit the floor, climbing on top of him, going through the elder's hair with his hands, tugging onto his bottom lip as he pulled away.
James looked down at his lips still, before flickering back to the younger's eyes, his beautiful eyes. His eyes made him think about how much he hated it when Regulus hurt himself, it caused that protective feeling wash over him again.
James waited for Regulus to make the first move again, he was prepared to let the younger do anything he wanted to him, and he didn't have to wait for long as Regulus eagerly pushed his lips back down on his, tugging on his bottom lip almost instantly.
The air filled with desire and lust and Regulus swears he nearly lost it when he felt James move down to his neck.