Pensieri e Parole (Thoughts and Words)

Hogwarts - 1972-1973 school year

What do you know about a child who stole

and who played only in the dark?

The first time James met Regulus they were two children. Really nothing more than two children, James could see it now. It was dusk, the air around Hogwarts had filled with thick mist and, initially, James wasn't sure he had seen clearly. Yet it was really Regulus, one of the richest kids in the Wizarding World, with parents who were part of the most conservative and bigoted wing of the Wizarding World, who, half hidden next to the Greenhouse, was turning a ballpoint pen between his fingers, one of those that James had seen his classmates from Muggle families use. James blinked a couple of times at the sight. Not even Sirius had ever been so brazen as to have a Muggle ballpoint pen.

He would have liked to have his father's Invisibility Cloak with him, but he still hadn't been able to get permission to take it - or to find a way to make a sufficiently true copy that, from behind glass, it wouldn't have been immediately noticed. So he hid in the shadows, trying to make as little noise as possible.

Regulus' hands dismantling that pen were mesmerising, almost ghostly in the light that was slowly losing the warm colours of the sunset and taking on more and more the glacial ones of the evening. Sirius also had similar skin. But Sirius didn't intimidate him like that boy a year younger did.

Honestly, James couldn't understand today how he could have been so dense back then.

Regulus was handsome, in his eyes. Beautiful like one of those works of art that his mother took him to discover, like something untouchable because you are still too young to understand where everything you feel will actually blossom. And maybe, if things had been different…

But they hadn't been.

And James still remembered the little sound of shock when the pen finally exploded in his pale hand and the ink from the little cannula stained his fingers.

James had expected resentment, but instead what he found himself hearing was the smallest, sweetest laugh he had ever heard.

He didn't make it a regular thing. He certainly couldn't mislead his three friends every single day to find out what Regulus Black was doing, alone, in the Greenhouses, at dusk. But he had seen him again, sporadically, always being careful not to be discovered, neither by him nor by his friends, especially Sirius. But after the ballpoint pen he had seen him reading, attentively, laughing to himself, a book entitled Mercier and Camier which had suddenly disappeared from Evans' bag only to reappear a few days later. A little Ravenclaw girl had been whining for three days that her jumping frogs were first broken and then lost and James had glimpsed Regulus taking them apart and studying them piece by piece. And he had spied on him while he was smearing his hands with Coccoina.

Regulus was a strange boy. Which made James enjoy doing something he never expected he would enjoy: stopping to look at another person.

He was a continuous contradiction, as carefree in his private and secret discovery of the Muggle World as he was ruthless in navigating the social folds of the Magical one.

Hogwarts - 1975-1976 school year

And what do you know about the sun piercing the attics?

The first time he had had the urge to kiss Regulus instead of casting a spell on him was during his fifth year. And he wasn't proud of it.

They were arguing. Regulus and Sirius. As happened every sacrosanct time that those two did they crossed paths. But, even if his own life was in danger, that time he wouldn't have been able to say what the two were arguing about. Because while Sirius was screaming, the only thing James seemed able to focus on was that ray of light which, breaking on the polychrome glass of that corridor, improvised crazy plays of light on Regulus' face. And those shadowy eyes had lit up with a wild light, the cheeks seemed bathed in divine fervour and the hair shone full and shiny in waves that went sinuous down to the shoulders.

James wished he could write a poem about Regulus's beauty.

On his skin.

On his eyes.

On the hands.

On the lips.

Distorted in that grin of pure disdain, perfectly drawn, impossibly soft.

And while Remus held Sirius back and Peter kept Regulus's dorm mates at bay, James dreamed of reducing the distances, taking Regulus's face in his hands, mirroring himself in those fragments of infinity, seeing them open wide in amazement at having him there, like this. Close. To inhale the smell of his hair while the tips of his lips touched his temple, slowly sliding downwards to meet the other lips, while the fingers ringed dark curls.

A forbidden daydream.

Sirius would have killed him.

London - summer 1976

And of a whole world compressed in one street?

And of a suburban cinema?

Sirius had just left Grimmauld Place and, to put it mildly, he wasn't in a good shape. Mr and Mrs Potter were constantly with him at St. Mungo's Hospital waiting for him to recover, while they had sent James home to rest.

But James was unable to rest. Not after what he had seen.

He knew the way to Black House. Or rather, he knew the route from Diagon Alley to Grimmauld Place. In the foyer of St Mungo's James grabbed a handful of Floo to go out to the Leaky Cauldron.

The reason why James felt the need to go to Black House was unknown at the time, which is why, once he arrived, he didn't know exactly what else to do other than stop in front of the windows of number 12**, half hidden by the tops of the trees.

Suddenly one of the windows opened and, on the sill, was the trembling figure of Regulus Black. He heard Lady Black's screams from the street and the sound of objects breaking. And he noticed Regulus startled at the first scream and then dug his nails into his palms to anchor himself to the present until Walburga's voice informed him that she was expected elsewhere and that she expected her only son to know how to behave.

A few minutes later Regulus was out of the house. Ten steps away from James. Who looked at him amazed at having been discovered so easily.

"How is he?"

"He was alive until an hour ago. Why didn't you run away with him?"

"Impossible. Unless your entire family wants to die."

" Your family doesn't scare me."

Regulus rolled his eyes, as if asking for divine intervention on such stupidity.

"Let's get out of here, this street is claustrophobic."

He didn't wait for an answer, he didn't engage in the previous conversation again, he wasn't any company.

But he took him to a small cinema nearby where he bought two tickets for the last row.

And while The Count of Monte Cristo was on the big screen, Regulus began to ask again half-heartedly, between scenes, about his brother, what the doctors had said, what the Potters were planning to do, and whether they were prepared to suffer the wrath of Lady Black. Until James managed to extort from him what had happened, how Sirius had argued with his mother again but how, for the first time, Orion Black had gotten in the way. Paradoxically, the straw that broke the camel's back was Sirius who - with a completely involuntary gesture - had slapped his mother.

Orion had annihilated Sirius.

Regulus had tried to appease his parents but he was paralyzed. Literally. But as soon as he was able to move again he looked after Sirius as best he could, put the Floo in his hand, patted him on the shoulder directing it towards the fireplace.

And James kissed him there, in the dark room of the small cinema.

Regulus did not dodge it.

Hogwarts - 1976-1977 school year

What do you know about our railway? What do you know?

When Hogwarts reopened in September - after that kiss, after Walburga and Orion had tried to get Sirius back by any means, after that, with an unnecessarily dramatic gesture, Lady Black had burned her eldest son's face from the house wallpaper, after James and his family, which now included Sirius, were gone from House Black - Regulus was distant. Distant from everyone, as if he had decided to send only his body to school, but not his soul. A ghost in reverse.

James hadn't had the courage to let Sirius know about his meeting with his brother, nor what they had talked about. Sirius didn't want to talk to James about that night or the days that followed and James hoped he would at least talk about it with Remus. It was James who had gathered their friends and put together a concise summary of the situation. Peter, who didn't have enough empathy to be able to help from an emotional point of view, had worked hard to distract Sirius, and so, that year, the Marauders' first heist had been planned well before Halloween, the historical start date of their academic year.

It was again at dusk, just before the rise of the November full moon, that, checking the map as he left the dormitories, James realised Regulus was outside the castle.

He warned the others that he had seen a student at the edge of the Forbidden Forest and that he would join them as soon as he brought the other back to the Castle. Then he put the map in his pocket and ran at breakneck speed down the stairs.

He found Regulus along the railroad tracks. Not the stretch that took the students to Hogwarts, but another that continued towards the mountains, evidently disused. There was a tunnel just ahead, darker than night.

Regulus, wrapped in his walking cloak, a hat placed on his side and a book in his hand, seemed like a puff of darkness that came out of nowhere to suck up the souls of the living.

Especially when, turning towards James, the first rays of the full moon illuminated the ghostly face and the icy eyes.

"What are you doing here?"

"I saw you leave..."

“And you thought about stalking me?”

"And I need to talk to you."

"I thought we had already told each other everything. My family no longer has open accounts with yours."

"Why did you kiss me?"

"Potter, I understand you're getting older, but it was you who kissed me."

"You didn't move away, you kept kissing me for the entire duration of the film. Why?"

"You're going to get it over your head, but you're a good kisser. And I don't get many opportunities to kiss."

"To kiss in general, to kiss other boys or to kiss me?"

"You're smart for a Gryffindor."

"At the risk of sounding unpleasant, I've known your brother for six years. I know his every way of not answering a question. You and him aren't that different."

"Don't tell him, he might run away from home again."

"Regulus, as much as I'm passionate about this conversation, we need to go back inside. It's not safe to stay out on nights of a full moon."

“And this would be your responsibility since…?”

"Since you let me kiss you without cursing me. Let's go away, please."

"I like it when you beg."

The railway became their new meeting point but now they were both present, both active parts of their conversations, of Regulus's empirical studies on Muggle artefacts, of James's dance rehearsals, of the evenings spent reading on the platforms, just inside the tunnel, a couple of cushions and some throws thrown on the floor, illuminated by a myriad of small lanterns that Regulus had brought who knows when from who knows where.

The place to kiss, as if time didn't exist, as if the noises of the castle carried by the wind weren't real, as if they were the only ones trapped on that stretch of railway, for all eternity.

***

Hogwarts - towards the end of the 1975-1976 school year

You know me, my loyalty

Lily Evans was beautiful. She had hair like the setting sun and eyes like precious stones. She was intelligent, kind, affable, soft, lovable.

Lilly Evans was five feet tall and stubborn, she had a very wide mouth that never stopped recalling the difference between right and wrong, and more than once she had been seen literally sitting on top of anyone who wouldn't listen to her.

Lily Evans was a force of nature. She was stubborn, impulsive, exuberant, brilliant.

And she wasn't the least bit interested in James. In fact, she seemed to hate James.

And this was unacceptable.

James had decided, his first year at school, that he would win over Lily Evans.

But they had arrived towards the end of the fifth year and the situation had improved little. The crazy thing was that without that troublemaker Snivellus, perhaps things wouldn't have progressed at all.

No, James wasn't absentmindedly playing with a snitch, Remus wasn't studying, and the rest of the Marauders weren't just being silly.

Severus Snape had always been a thorn in his side but never like this year.
And, despite what he might say, he had entered the Shrieking Shack with every intention of killing Remus.
And now that he owed James, he had somehow become even more unpleasant to Lily.
And now the only thing James wanted was to humiliate that greasy-haired pervert.

So James was waiting for a large enough crowd to arrive, intrigued by the antics of the golden snitch or the antics of the other two. Remus checked, from the open map inside the textbook, that no professor was on sight.

And things had more or less gone according to plan… until Lily intervened, Snivellus slashed his cheek and called Lily a highly inappropriate term. James felt the blood rush to his head, and from then on things took a turn that he didn't even like. But now he had done it, Lily had finally realised what a piece of cow dung she had given her friendship to and all those who had cried over the years because of Snape now laughed at him without wondering too much what the difference was between right and wrong.

As they left the crime scene for the infirmary, Remus put an arm around his shoulders. "I know what we did was wrong. But the satisfaction of seeing his expression change when he realised we used a spell of his against him... sublime. I don't think we've ever done anything that mattered as much. And I'm proud of it."

Hogwarts - 1976-1977 school year - September

You know that today I would die for honesty

The Great Hall was nearly empty. James had lingered talking to some kids from the other houses and was late for lunch. He had a sandwich in his mouth, the potions book open in front of him, with the notes that his father had sent him and he was adding some things that the professor had explained to him. James felt someone's gaze slide over him and noticed, from the other side of the Hall, Severus' eyes focused on him.

He went to scratch the scar on his cheek, swallowed a mouthful that tasted like gall and began reading carefully again.

Lily Evans, at the Ravenclaw table, was returning a notebook to a girl in their year, a gentle smile brightening her face.

They were almost about to start the afternoon lessons and Lily Evans stopped in front of him, telling that his friends were waiting for him, her eyes like two beautiful deep pools intent on scrutinising him.

He smiled at her. He couldn't help it. If Lily spoke to him, he smiled.

"I've never seen you study so hard."

He shrugged, pulling his book bag off the table. "I've never needed to study so much."

She rolled her eyes, smacking him on the back of the head, and he found himself smiling, formulating in his mind the words, worn by time and wear, she was about to speak: "You're so full of yourself!"

" Learning is not knowing: there are the erudite and the wise. It is memory that makes the former, but it is philosophy that makes the latter. *"

Lily Evans stopped.

On his way to potions class on any afternoon in mid-September.

Lily Evans stopped.

Because the world had to re-align its own axis.

James' eyes, for an instant, seemed to shine.

"Do you know Dumas?"

"Since this summer."

"Why?"

"Don't tell Sirius, he hasn't had a great time this summer, but I saw it at… cinema , right? Yes. And then I bought the book."

"H-how long have you been interested in Muggle culture?"

“Since I realised it can be charming, ingenious and extremely profound.”

"Severus has always rejected our original culture."

James rolled his neck, that cracked loudly. He didn't really want to start a deep conversation, but maybe this was the right time.

"Snape is a fool who knows nothing."

Lily Evans would have defended her friend with a sword.

Lily approached him tentatively and asked to explain himself, as if she really cared about his opinion and not just to make conversation.

"By rejecting part of his roots he had no opportunity to form a critical personality towards social interactions within a complex society."

Lily blinked with the clear expression of someone wondering what she had done with James Potter.

"But above all he believed in the sterile and artificial version of the Magical World known in ancient dusty tomes. He believed in a fairy tale, which had little or nothing to do with the reality of the facts."

It was the first time that he didn't limit himself to a "because he is breathing" which, yes, was still a perfect summary of his feelings but that certainly couldn't be enough for Lily. Not after how the bastard had behaved.

"Do you know why I can't stand him? Because he has the presumption to come and tell me, born and raised in the Wizarding World, like my world works."

James didn't care how his words could be taken by a Muggleborn, because his thoughts weren't limited to that and it was time Lily was aware of that too.

Lily was not born in the Wizarding World: she might know what the laws that govern it were, but she would never be able to taste what it meant to grow up in this World.

"Because he always treated you like some sort of disciple who had to hang on his lips because his mother - had told me how the Wizarding World worked - but when you realised that this world is not as he had painted it to you, he couldn't stand it."

James was vaguely aware that Lily had stopped talking, and perhaps even stopped listening to him, but after all, she had asked for it.

"Because he's a great potionist and, instead of coming to me to get to my father, he almost ambushed him in Diagon Alley a couple of summers ago so he could talk to him. Because obviously I'm a blood traitor while my father, who thinks exactly like me, is a great potionist. Hypocritical."

They had arrived at their destination and James turned to look at Lily for the first time since he started his spiel and what he saw filled his heart. He had conquered Lily Evans.

"I hate it," he finished. "Because instead of trying to integrate his culture with ours, as most of the children of two Worlds do, allowing this society to grow and innovate, he is on the side of stagnation, of In my time there weren't all these muggles , of death from boredom and wear and tear. And, come what may, I will not allow my world to die."

Hogwarts - 1976-1977 school year - October

You know me, you know my name

James knew he had changed over the years. He had left behind all those stupid pranks as a child looking for attention or as the leader of his little group of criminals. He had grown up, he was becoming a man, and he now found unbearable some things that once amused him.

As usual, you'll reach a point in your life where you grow up, like it or not. And he had grown up with Snape bothering Lily, with Sirius lying on the floor of his house, with the war that requires increasingly higher prices, with the uncertainty of who is a friend, an acquaintance, a schoolmate or an enemy.

He noticed the changes much more quickly, he was perhaps more alert and he certainly slept less.

That afternoon at the beginning of the year all his classmates had gathered in the common room, casted some spells to not be disturbed and now they were all there, looking into each other's eyes.

And to talk about the future. And all those things that scared them.

"I think once I'm out of here I'll join the resistance against Voldemort."

The girls look at each other dumbfounded. Lily with a fiery light in her gaze.

His three roommates looked at him intently. Sirius looked away, clenching his jaw.

"Are you sure?"

"But didn't you say you wanted to become a Professional Quidditch Gamer?"

"A Defence Against the Dark Arts professor?"

"Start a rock band with Sirius?"

"Marry Evans and be a kept man, considering her intelligence far superior to yours?"

The voices overlapped but when Peter brought Lily into the mix, James felt obliged to interrupt them.

"Yes, yes, I said all that… in some way. But those were the words of a kid. And I'm not a kid anymore."

“We should start calling him Grandpa Jim.”

"Ergh, horrible."

"Guys, I'm trying to make a serious point. Thank's. I don't deny that I said all those things, nor that I can't return to some of those plans once Voldemort is defeated."

Lily crossed her legs and leaned forward slightly and, even then, James felt a rush of heat invade his body. He couldn't help it, Lily was still his Lily Evans.

"What do you need?"

"To help me with the subjects I neglected because I had other plans."

Other plans. It was scary to have to put your dreams aside because someone out there decided that starting a civil war is more interesting than moving on with your life and trying to make the best of it.

For this reason he stretched a smile on his lips that had dared to tremble and forced himself to loosen the grip that was blocking his breathing.

"Lucky that no one can hear us: I can't afford to let the younger ones know. They would lose all the respect they have for me!"

A pillow landed in his face.

"You're an idiot James Potter." Lily laughed.

And the world was suddenly brighter.

Hogwarts - 1976-1977 school year - November

Only you know if I truly believe in God

Sirius was about to turn seventeen.

And so, Sirius was about to get his Apparition diploma and become even more… Sirius.

James was terrified. Both he and Remus would be the last ones to get the licence and the thought of what Sirius could do without supervision - Peter was not qualified to look after others, as he was another who needed a supervisor to look after him - chilled the blood in his veins. Because Sirius was only apparently calm and controlled: it was the placid surface of a frozen lake where you could look and see nothing but yourself, put on your skates and play with it, following its rules, or you could try to scratch it and risk being swallowed up and dragged to the bottom of its madness in a couple of gurgling breaths.

He slumped over the spellbook he was trying to study, burying his face in his arms and letting out a resigned huff.

A pile of books landed next to his head.

"Hey, James! What are your plans for Christmas?"

Christmas. It was just after Halloween, Sirius had yet to turn seventeen, and we were already thinking about Christmas.

James pushed back his worries and looked up from his spell book.

"I'll prevent Sirius from getting arrested..." he muttered in his arms, then raised his head and looked for the sweetest look in the whole school. "My beloved delicate little flower, I think my mother might go berserk again this year if I don't come home."

After that day in the common room, James and Lily had started studying together. Alone or in study groups, but almost never separated. It was nice spending time with Lily. Easy, almost. Then he let his enthusiasm for the upcoming holidays take over and began speaking as if someone was chasing them and shooting curses. "I suppose she's organised something special now that Sirius is staying with us. Don't tell her, but I think she's already made an agreement with Remus and Peter to have them all over, at least for a couple of days. If I know her just a little she'll have made sure to have a whole pig at his disposal for the holidays. I warn you: I will come back even more dazed than usual, between the food, the music and the dances, the rituals... we won't stop for a moment. I just hope that we don't have to participate in the Ministry Ball again this year. If you want to know why, with an ongoing crisis, the Minister of Magic enjoys holding a ball... ask my mother: she's the one who is interested in politics in my house." James noticed how Lily frowned, as if there was something wrong with her. And it took James a moment to realise what it was. "Oh…Christmas, right. You don't celebrate Jule, you celebrate Christmas."

It was a shame that Lily couldn't have the same Yule fixation as him because she had never really experienced Yule. James had half an idea of what Christmas was, after six years spent with fellow Half-Blood it was normal that he had an idea.

“Is it really that different?”

"Oh, my sweet summer breeze, you have no idea. If one day you decide you want to lose sleep for the foreseeable future I recommend you ask Sirius. Especially when he's in that slightly melancholy, slightly resigned mood. I'll just tell you that the beginning of the Yule celebrations at Black House is the hanging and burning of Christianity and the funeral procession of the beginning of wizarding segregation. There are Muggle-shaped biscuits filled with sour cherries, so when you bite them it seems like blood comes out. And while adults always end up talking about politics, teenagers and children are forced in their impeccable clothes to perform for their entertainment, and to survive we have to struggle trying not to be seen, or doing something so epic that will remain in history, or ignore every rule of common sense and go for the gifts before the end of the evening come and they will be sent to their respective families."

"It seems… disturbing. And how many times would you have been to a Black Grand Ball?”

"One. And that was enough for me for life." It was nice to laugh with Lily. It was relaxing to see her blush when you paid her a direct or indirect compliment and to hear her change the subject out loud. James loved spending time with Lily.

"I wish I could disappoint you and tell you that I'm completely baffled by your parties. But the reality is that part of me would like to attend them, immensely."

"If the lack of Christmas decorations doesn't bother you, I could always ask my mom if I can have a plus one to host you at our dinner dance."

"It would be wonderful."

"Most pureblood families now celebrate more by tradition than by actually giving thanks for the past year, and a period of rest and glorification of the light. This is why I also like your Christmas, even if I don't fully understand it. A god who identifies himself as father and son at the same time is revolutionary enough in itself. If this son then decides to sacrifice himself for mere humans... It's a beautiful story."

***

Hogwarts - 1977-1978 school year - September

What do you know about a wheat field,

poetry of a profane love?

Being kissed again after being apart for so long was like meeting the morning dew after a day spent under the scorching sun. It was like being awakened from a troubled dream, breathing again after a long apnea. Even if it took his breath away every time they touched.

Regulus loved to change places. Every year he found a secluded place, away from where the other students had decided to spend their days. He was so good that he even wondered if he was the one who knew how to read the moods of the crowds so well that he adapted even before the crowd consciously decided to invade a certain place or if it was his choice that determined where everyone else would have to meet. .

The Blacks were powerful, but not that powerful.

Perhaps.

And every time James went to look for him he spent a few hours, if not a few days, simply watching him live. To be.

It was exciting to stop, surrender to the passing of the hours without trying to overwhelm them, and watch the world unfold in Regulus' hands.

He had never managed to make him laugh.

And maybe he never would have succeeded.

There was too much pain behind those frozen pools, too much despair had smoothed the features of that perfect face, too many tears had crystallised between his eyelashes.

And James would have done everything to be able to give all his heart, his soul, his vital essence so that the other could perceive at least once what it meant to be protected, wanted, cared for.

Even if Regulus would never let him.

Regulus was an independent wizard. And as such he was learning as much as possible to use magic without the use of a wand. Because, in this world, you never know when the enemy might attack you.

James hadn't had the courage to ask him which enemy he was referring to, whether the two of them would be enemies once they left Hogwarts or whether there would still be the two of them ,

The moon was almost full and its rays illuminated his skin as if it were made of dew. Impossible to look away, even though he didn't particularly like being watched. However, James knew that the more time passed, the more it seemed that Regulus had less difficulty in accepting his adoration.

"I think I finally understand."

James on the other hand felt small and stupid. He had no idea what the other man was talking about.

"Wandless magic. Look."

He closed his eyes, raised his head to the sky, the palms of his hands towards the stars, his body swaying as if pushed by a light breeze. And an imperceptible luminescence. The corn all around them began to grow, feeding on the young wizard's life energy as it spread like wildfire around him, growing, spying, maturing.

James called his name three times before Regulus came out of that sort of tranches and returned to the living.

"Do not, ever, do it again."

The fingertips, light as snowflakes, slid across his face, met his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss.

"It's an indescribable feeling, it makes the veins in your wrists tremble knowing that at any moment you could get lost forever and never be able to find your way home."

James gritted his teeth and pressed himself closer to the other. No, the idea of losing Regulus was not acceptable.

"Don't ever do that again, please."

“I like it when you beg.”

Hogwarts - 1977-1978 school year

The fear of holding hands, what do you know?

There was a way in which the boys of the Black house reacted to the touch of people that was extremely peculiar. It was like dealing with wild beasts, beautiful, indomitable and lethal.

Predators.

Hungry for affection as much as for fresh blood.

Sirius had two modes: the partying one, surrounded by people, capable of resisting the sensory assault of bodies that alternated on top of him like waves crashing against a rock; and then there was that 'don't touch me'. And, in that case, you could be cursed just for passing too close to him. Remus had managed to bring to light a third modality, which could only be applied with him: the search for physical contact. When Remus was next to him, Sirius curled into a ball on him, holding him tightly. And Moony had learned, over time, to understand when he could avoid it without emotional repercussions and when not.

They had chased each other for seven years, they had circled around each other, they had played with their own feelings and those of each other, they had hurt each other and licked each other's wounds.

Seeing them together was something that hurt because of how beautiful it was.

Regulus also had the same two modes as Sirius, even if he had only seen the first on the Quidditch pitch. And a few times over the past two years, he'd seen him adapt that 'koala' too. In the gallery, during the hours of reading, his feet had ended up on James several times, among the wheat he had grown they had sat supporting each other, back to back, when they kissed Regulus had never held back.

James loved every demonstration of how much Regulus wanted him, how he wasn't just something convenient, chosen only for lack of other options.

But that late afternoon, during free time in Hogsmeade, both of them finding themselves, by chance, at Honeydukes with their respective friends, had been strange. And even stranger it was to have him close, to feel the back of his hand touching yours, the fingers intertwining for an instant.

A very long moment.

An instant in which James felt his heart trying to break through his ribcage, his sweating increasing, the world tightening around him almost as if it wanted to suffocate him.

They had never been so close in public. They had never been on a date together.

They had never held hands.

And it was terrifying.

And it was beautiful.

***

Hogwarts - 1977-1978 school year - January

My love  

They had returned from winter holidays less rested than when they left. Voldemort had intensified his offensive against the Wizarding World and no one seemed to be safe anymore. Peter was shaken but determined, Remus would have liked to lock himself away in an archive for the rest of his days but felt obliged to help the resistance set up by Dumbledore, while Sirius had already decided that he would be the first Black to become an Auror .

James had spent all the holidays with them, planning their future, putting their lives back on the line, supporting and encouraging each other, being the backbone of their group, loving their every insecurity.

He returned to Hogwarts exhausted.

But it wouldn't have changed anything.

Lily found him in the library watching a pair of owls fly by and had to clear her throat a couple of times before she got his attention.

Those holidays, she told him, had been the worst: her sister had accused her of putting the whole family in danger with that war thing and she wasn't willing to get involved in a conflict that didn't concern her in any way.

Lily had contacted Dumbledore, returned to Hogwarts just after Christmas Day, and joined the Order of the Phoenix.

James watched her eyes light up with a flame he had never seen before, a new vitality that stirred his spirit, shook the foundations of his being, made his heart beat a syncopated rhythm that he knew well.

Lily Evans was the spark that could start a fire.

Lily was the crackling fire that takes care of an exhausted heart.

This new version was a fire that encompassed and consumed everything in its wake.

James was breathless for an instant and, the next moment, he was enraptured, trapped with no possibility of escape from feelings that were too strong.

***

Hogwarts - 1977-1978 school year - March

(What do you know about a good boy)

 It was raining.

Bad news should never be given on rainy days: the world is already tinged with grey, there is no need to draw on darker shades.

"I imagine that from the end of this year we will be on two opposing sides worse than those in Quidditch."

James felt his chest implode, unable to take air in, and his eyes burst, as if there was too much pressure behind those sockets.

Regulus wasn't looking at him, but he was feeling him. In that unique way he was sensing things around him, as if sight were really just one of the senses and not the one intended to see.

"Your Gryffindor soul cannot accept it, but this cannot change anything."

The curtain of pure magical power they had spread out so they wouldn't get wet showed the monochrome sky crying out all the desperation James was feeling but couldn't leave his eyes. He had to look away at the sight. Regulus was not a Death Eater, he did not believe in the values and principles underlying Voldemort's theories, nor in solving problems using brute force. And, most unexpectedly, not even his parents believed in Voldemort's means. So why?

"But I didn't think that the idea of separating, each going our own way and meeting up again only to curse each other could affect my perception of the future so much."

Because he was voting for something that from his own words seemed to be inevitable.

James looked up and the other's were sizing him up. But in a way that infused hope in that future Regulus no longer saw.

“I shouldn't have told you about it, because I know that you will look for a reason, a loophole, a way. But there is no future worthy of the name if I don't do what I have to. If you don't do what you have to do."

Why was he committing himself to a martyrdom that no one had asked him to carry out?

James took a step toward him, like a moth drawn to too bright a light. “Why are you separating us?”

***

Hogwarts - 1977-1978 school year - March

It's like a rock now  

James had a weakness for authentic, strong, determined people. It was something that could cause him an immense amount of pain, and he knew it. He knew it well. But still, even though it might hurt, those were the people he loved to be around. And it was extremely difficult for him to let go once they had acquired that placed in his heart.

Sirius had won him over before he even opened his mouth and they met. He had won it in the Great Hall, in front of teachers and students, in front of his peers and those who society would gladly call rejects, in front of all those who expected nothing more than to see a Black collapse.

And instead they had seen Sirius rise in his red-gold colours, the first of his kind, in those icy eyes that had scanned the room, they had memorised names and faces, in that smile he had turned to the Gryffindor table when finally, after a moment of amazement, the whole table applauded as they hugged the first Gryffindor of that year.

Remus in his every silence that smacked of a tiredness of living that never gave way to apathy, in every one of his meticulously prepared Machiavellian plans, in every one of his torn looks every time someone got too close to the horrible truth of his condition.

Remus was the second pillar that supported the foundation of who James Potter was. He was everything James could never be and everything he wanted to be.

Peter was the one who brought him back to earth every time his head swelled too much and risked projecting him into hyperspace, he was the one who among all of them really loved life and took care of it, he was the one who proposed the most absurd solutions to problems more serious. How to become an animagus to protect a werewolf friend. Like when before he was able to effectively cast healing spells, he learned Muggle techniques to take care of Remus' wounds, Sirius' less visible ones, and James' "I'm fine". Like when he reminded James how he wasn't a god, and that he was allowed to cry and scream, whenever his chest asked to be heard.

And then there was Lily. Who, in the space of a handful of months had gone from being the girl who couldn't stand him, to one of his best friends, to someone he could love enough to make him a pillar of his life.

And so it was.

James loved Lily. And, for once, taking note of the existence of that feeling wasn't something that scared him, but rather something inescapable and beautiful. That warmed the heart, filled the body with energy, electrified the exhausted soul. Something visceral. Deep and sacred. Of immovable.

***

Hogwarts - 1977-1978 school year - March

(The one who showed all his pains?)

Loving Regulus hurt. It had always hurt. Of that pain you feel when seeing something profoundly beautiful, intrinsically good, made of stolen moments and breaths of wind. Ephemeral. Doomed to end too soon.

The fear of losing Regulus was part and parcel of loving him.

James loved and hated that feeling, the knowledge that he was on the edge of a precipice, that there was a sword ready to pierce his soul. He loved him, because he made every moment of life granted meaningful and important, every word exchanged heavy, every stolen glance vital. He hated it because it tightened his chest and took his breath away. He made him count the minutes of each brief meeting with the bitter awareness that they would soon be over.

And then there was hope, the damned impulse to look beyond that ephemeral time, to seek shelter from the coming storm because afterwards... afterwards everything would be different. Afterwards it would have been beautiful, easy, eternal.

A tear ran down his cheek.

Under the magical awning the rain poured down mercilessly, painting a symphony of mournful notes.

"Promise me you'll be careful."

Regulus was not used to answering direct questions. He wasn't used to claiming his feelings. But he threw those feelings at you, almost as if they were weightless.

Yet that tear was a sea of pain and its furrow a trench of desperation closed by wet lips.

"Promise me you'll keep my brother out of trouble."

James bit his lip. Regulus had made him swear that he would never tell Sirius what they were doing unless under direct orders from Regulus himself. And, initially, it didn't seem like such an exorbitant price. After all, he was just trying to keep Regulus out of trouble.

But then things had changed and Sirius had the right to know how much Regulus loved him.

"Promise me you won't come looking for me."

And Regulus, for the first time, widened his eyes at hearing James' desperate sobs.

***

Hogwarts - 1977-1978 school year - March

And defy the time and defy the wind and you know it 

It was a sunny afternoon.

Days should never be so dissonant with one's emotions. And James felt small, insignificant, in a world that was too big, too complicated, too unfair.

At least the Gryffindor common room was empty. At least he didn't have to maintain the light-hearted facade that belonged to his old self. He was tired of that facade, but it was easy to put up, as easy as letting out a sigh.

Lily watched him from the door of the girls' dormitory and James never knew how long she had been there.

But he sighed and smiled at her.

And Lily frowned.

"You don't have to pretend. You don't need it."

James smiled telling her she was wrong, he wasn't faking anything.

"A moment ago. You were absorbed, worried, hurt. Now pretend that everything is fine. You don't need it."

“Do you think anyone can hurt me?”

“I think someone already has.”

James leaned his head back against the back of the couch.

"Do you think that despairing, screaming, casting spells can make me feel better? Hypothetically."

Lily sat down next to him.

"I think locking you away won't make you feel better. I think whoever hurt you doesn't deserve your pain and that I have no intention of forgiving now or ever whoever put that look on your face."

James sighed again. Then his head slid down the back of the couch to end its descent against Lily's shoulder.

It was nice to feel protected for once. His friends would probably react like Lily, maybe even more violently, but he didn't need any more violence right now. There would be enough of it in the years to come, in his head those words would then resonate whose weight will be added to that already known of the historical period in which he found himself living.

But Lily did not predict violence. Lily was the last run to the pantry before falling asleep, the arms that would support his crying, a dry whiskey to chug before cauterising his wounds. But above all, she was the return to life. She was the promise of an explosive spring. Of a rebirth.

James realised that he might fall in love with Lily.

James could.

This is why he let himself be dragged out of that Common Room that smelled of rotting pain, he let himself be led towards the sunny afternoon, towards that day of celebration, towards his friends who lit up with joy when they saw him.

"Thank you." He whispered in her ear.

And Lily pushed him away, with a crystalline laugh, with a smile on her lips.

Yes, James had easily fallen in love with that crackling energy and that positivity and that tenacity.

It had already happened. Without him realising it.

***

Hogwarts - 1977-1978 school year - March

(My sincerity to steal their virginity)

"I love you." Tears blurred his vision, sobs made it difficult for him to speak. "I love you, I love you, please I can't lose you." His fingers wanted to grab him, but Regulus was air, it was stolen time.

Regulus was an aspiration.

So James collapsed to the ground, like a sinner kneeling in prayer. "Not now. Not like this." He bent to the ground, slamming his fists, and then raised his face, pleadingly, towards the other boy who was looking at him with such pain in his gaze that it made James' tears burst their banks again. "We still have time." He whispered as he advanced, arriving in front of the other boy, his arms raised in an unconscious attempt at a hug, a desperate gesture to keep him there, a little longer. "I love you, please don't leave me."

Regulus brought one hand to cover his lips, but then stretched out the other to touch James' devastated face. "It's bigger than you and me. More important."

James pushed his face against that hand, then took it in his own. He chased the tears from his eyes and, when he managed to see himself reflected in the stormy ones, he confidently proposed: "we'll solve it together."

Regulus ran his hand through his black curls, in a desperate gesture.

"Impossible. It's not meant to be."

James stood up suddenly, causing the other to take a few steps back. "Fuck fate!" He screamed, grabbing both of his hands. "It won't be the stars, it won't be a vision or a prophecy, it won't be someone else's will that prevents me from living as I have decided."

Regulus let his forehead fall onto the other's shoulder, muttering, "that's not how it works..."

"But yes!" James brought one of his diaphanous hands to rest on his chest. "Stay with me, together we will change the course of history." His fingers found the line of Regulus jaw and asked him to lift his face.

Regulus could do nothing but go with the flow.

"I'm not afraid to love you." James' lips slid to his temple, whispering directly into his ear. "I'm not afraid of anything."

Regulus swallowed loudly. His hands grabbed onto the other's robe as if it were his own salvation and his lips held his breath while James's ran over his skin until they engaged in a brief struggle with those of the other.

"Love me." James asked, pressing it against him, allowing his hands to explore that body trembling with fear and passion. The kiss that followed was filled with new promises.

And Regulus embraced every promise, drank every word, returned every gesture.

"Stay with me." James pleaded, both lying down under that leaden sky and that umbrella of magic, their hands exploring skin, tendons, muscles. "Stay."

And Regulus gave in to his heart, ignoring

for once common sense, getting lost in that myriad of new sensations, thrills, desire, passion, love.

"I hate it when you beg."

***

Hogwarts - 1977-1978 school year - April

Yes, you know it  

For days he had found Lily everywhere he looked. Almost as if she were following him. As if she were stalking him.

And every time he smiled, she laughed with him. Whenever he was sad, she was there to comfort him. Every victory, every defeat, produced a reaction in the partner. Now it was no longer just him chasing her, but she had started chasing him too.

It was an exciting hunt. A game in which you are prey and predator. Such a lighthearted game compared to everything else. A game James loved to play.

He loved playing a little too much.

Sirius was the first to notice the change. Teasing them both for that circling, that mating dance that James had started in their first year and that now, near the end of their time at Hogwarts, Lily had begun to follow. To direct.

Peter had immediately started cheering, clearing the space when they were alone, winking at the other two Marauders, making bets on how long it would take them to finally get together and free James from his sorrows.

Remus was probably the only one who, in addition to amusement and happiness for his friend, was also slightly worried.

To the point of taking James aside. “Is that what you want?”

James smiled. Pushing back any hesitation he smiled at his friend. “I chased her for seven years.” he turned towards the girl who, on the other side of the common room, was giggling with her friends and with Sirius, who in one way or another had also joined the group of girls. "Like you and Sirius, isn't it?"

"James… don't get sidetracked and you know it's not possible."

Lily turned to him and a smile as powerful as the sun exploded on her face, lighting up the room. James smiled back then scolded Remus, "you've never been a fool Moony, don't start now."

Sirius followed Lily's gaze and found himself looking at Remus, eyes bright and beautiful from across the room. Eyes that begged to be seen, recognized, loved. Eyes so beautiful it hurts.

“How can you be sure?”

"Moony, Sirius seeks you out even when he doesn't want anyone around. He lets you touch him even when his nerves are on edge. You've never been just a friend to him. And you know it."

"What about you and Lily?"

"She probably doesn't want to be just a friend to me anymore either."

"And are you sure about that?"

James smiled.

"You know it."

In three strides he was at her side, an arm around her shoulders, his beaming eyes fixed on hers.

***

Hogwarts - 1977-1978 school year - June

(oh, what do you know?)

It was a new moon night. The exams were over, Hogwarts was about to end and James had all the melancholy of a time that is inexorably coming to an end.

Lying on the plaid surrounded by the wheat field that Regulus had grown, on their heads a quilt of stars so thick as to project the idea of infinity, he felt heavy as if only in that moment had he realised the weight that stand above his shoulders, that pressed his chest, twisted his insides.

"I wasn't sure I would find you here."

“Where else was I supposed to be?”

Regulus didn't answer. Of course he didn't answer.

"I'm not going to let you go, I don't care what you've told me these past few months."

"I can't afford to get caught."

Hope. Hope is horrible. Especially when giving you hope is a manipulative Slytherin with a precise vision of what will happen in his future. Especially when that Slytherin has told you that there is and will never be anything you can do to change fate.

James sat down, loosened the tight muscles in his neck and raised a hand, silently asking to be held.

Silky fingers intertwined with his and Regulus sat next to him, with a fluid and soft movement, almost as if it were done in slow motion.

"I have an idea. Your people will never suspect that you could use a Muggle tool, right?"

"Continues."

"Let's choose a day of the week to talk. Near the cinema where we went there is a red telephone booth, start from that. Each booth has its own number. You write to me your number followed by a time. Or just a time if you don't change cabins. If you don't hear anything from me it means that I will call you on the scheduled day at the requested time. If we don't talk, we'll try again the next day at the same time. After a week I will come and look for you, no matter what you say. If I need to change, I'll send you the number to call and the time."

Regulus looked up at the stars. The gears of his mind seemed to take shape and move on his head.

Then that curl of the lips, and, for the first time, a laugh.

James was transfixed, incredulous as he watched the darkest night illuminate with a warm, gentle, delicate light. He felt his eyes fill with tears. The throat closes, unable to take in air for fear of altering that perfect moment.

The ears were filled with the most delicate and precious sound in the world. A memory that would remain indelible until the end of his days.

"I love you."

And Regulus's lips claimed James's, his fingers grabbed his hair, tightening it around him, his body, his entire body, settled against the toned and agile one beneath him.

And James loved every moment of those languid kisses, of that skin that slowly revealed itself under his fingers, of every little sound that he tore from those lips.

They made love slowly, as if they had no worries, as if the world wasn't about to collapse on them, as if they had time.

Gentle touches to encourage bodies to move, to open up, to give themselves.

Words whispered on the skin, knotted in the hair, lost inside other mouths and other breaths of life.

They gave all they could give, they took all they could take. They nestled under the stars and woke up to the first rays of the sun.

The wand abandoned among the clothes.

The golden light softens reality.

There was no better time to say goodbye.

There was no better time to learn to hate hope.

***

Estate 1978

I have a new life in front of me

- Ours is already over -

Remus and Sirius had taken over the sofa, a jumble of arms and legs entwined together. Peter sat on the soft carpet at the foot of the chair James had occupied.

They had just returned from their first meeting with the Order and…

"We are few."

"Yes, Peter."

“We are poorly trained.”

"Yes, Peter."

"We have few resources."

"Yes Peter, we were at the meeting too."

Sirius had just started the Auror Academy and, in the next few months, he would begin field service, obviously escorted by instructors or older Aurors.

Peter had found a job as an administrator in the Department of Magical Accidents and Disasters.

Remus had a part time job at a bookstore in Diagon Alley.

James was formally on sabbatical. Which would have made him a member of the Order on duty 24 hours a day

His parents had not been happy.

They understood that with war looming James didn't feel like he had many options, but in any case no parent would want to see their child caught in a game bigger than themselves.

Lily was probably having the same conversation.

Regulus was probably having a slightly different one.

James had never allowed himself to think about the two at the same time. But these days separating them was impossible. He had left behind the time when he could flirt with one at night and fool around with the other during the day, without thinking too much about it. Now he feared for their lives every minute, every second.

Just as he feared for the lives of his three best friends, his parents, his classmates.

But… but everything was more visceral with those two. He missed Regulus the way he misses breathing while underwater. He missed Lily like bread when you're hungry.

He felt out of place again, as he had done shortly before entering Hogwarts, that feeling to be without foundation, shaken by events. But now it was worse. Now there was no parachute of youth to protect him from the free descent.

Now he had to decide where to stay, and never had a decision been more difficult.

Because you can't live without breathing. But you can't live without food either.

"Peter, we'll figure something out. It's the four of us against the world, as always."

"We'll find a way to survive Pete."

"Stop shaking and invent something. Your brain is just lazy and enjoys showing you worst-case scenarios. We're here with you."

And new nights and new days,

Darling, do you go away or you come back to me?

They were in Scotland, close enough to Hogsmeade to see the glow of the town's lights but far enough away that they couldn't see a soul.

Beyond the hedge, there was an abandoned mill. In the abandoned mill there was faint light that filtered through a crack in the wall. Someone had cast a shielding spell before turning on the light but hadn't taken into account how decrepit those walls were. Too bad for them.

Unfortunately, apart from the light, there was nothing else that could be heard coming from inside there.

At least the tip had been right.

"I didn't think doing a stakeout could be so exciting."

"James, we've been here for two hours and nothing has happened."

James stretched out on the soft grass, fingers clasped behind his head, wand somehow stuck in his right hand.

"It's you and me, alone, under the stars, enjoying each other's presence. How can you call it nothing?"

Lily looked at the house, as if she could see inside it. "Are you in the mood for poetry, James?"

James raised himself on his elbows, looking at the girl next to him, cataloguing in his mind how and how much she had changed since the end of school.

Not very much.

Not much has changed in less than a month.

“Who doesn’t love a little poetry in their life?”

"Me, when I'm worried that a Death Eater might show up at any moment and kill us." She chilled him and James had to bite his lip to keep from bursting out laughing. It was so… them: he would say something inappropriate and she would scold him more or less sharply.

"It won't happen tonight. The stars are too beautiful to let anything bad happen."

“Where did you leave your equestrian half?”

Lily had to silence James who could no longer hold back his laughter.

But the night went smoothly. They couldn't identify anyone, but it hadn't been a complete waste of time.

They had just apparated to the point known to both of them closest to the coordinates they had been given. Despite this they still had about twenty minutes of walking to reach the pre-arranged place. It was an eventuality that could happen when you don't usually frequent seedy places. Sirius had spent a whole day trying to convince the other three to take turns accompanying him on his patrols to discover places he had never been, but he had quickly been silenced.

Now James was no longer so sure he had made the right choice. Sirius probably would have managed to apparate much closer to the coordinates received.

Lily was turning some kind of key ring around in her fingers. "We are together again," he said, breaking the silence. "It almost seems like someone is doing it on purpose to put us in the same group."

James nudged her lightly and chuckled. "We're strong together, Lily. We've always done great so far."

"There, you said it."

"Well, but I didn't say the nefarious word, did I?"

Lily turned on him, a finger pointing at his chest. "Potter, shut that sewer, will you? Today is not the day." Then she took a step back and began walking briskly again towards her destination.

James closed his eyes for a moment, thinking about what happened, and then got close enough to his partner without touching her. "Did something happen?"

"My sister is getting married." Lily looked for the stars in the sky but they were in the city, and when she looked up she could only see a pall of smog. James wanted to give her stars. "And she doesn't want me at the wedding." She added, returning her gaze to the ground.

"I am sorry."

She giggled. A forced laugh that had nothing happy about it. "The good thing is that I won't have to pretend to be ecstatic about her partner. The bad thing is that she won't have to explain to my grandparents why I won't be there."

James gave her a little nudge and then put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. "If you want a shoulder, I'm here. Always."

She wrapped an arm around his waist, clinging to him as if he were an anchor. "Thank you. It's good to know I won't be left alone in this family drama."

He kissed her hair.

Then he looked her straight in the eyes. "Can I bring popcorn?"

She freed herself from his grip, pushing him aside forcefully and laughing, finally without shadows on her face. "Stop it, you idiot."

"LILY!"

There was rubble everywhere.

"LILY!!!" James's voice mixed with that of the others who were trying to find each other. He looked around desperately, with a rough voice. But then he saw her: red hair above a trembling figure leaning against what was a door. "Oh God, you're alive!"

He ran towards her and she looked up. Glassy eyes watched him approach and, in a faint voice, he called him to him. "James…"

James took her into his arms. "It's okay Lils, you're alive." His fingers gripped the soft flesh, probably leaving visible marks. "Everything is fine."

Lily's arms rose slightly to hold on to his clothes. "I killed…" she murmured in a trembling voice, but James interrupted her before she finished the sentence.

"Everything is fine."

A sob racked her chest. "James!"

"I'm here and you're alive." He reassured her, running his hands through her dirty hair, then moving down to caress her back. "It's the only important thing."

"Do not leave me." big tears were streaming down her face. "James, don't leave me."

He cupped her face in his hands. He rested his forehead against hers. Then he touched those soft lips.

"I will not leave you." He repeated, kissing her cheek. "You're safe now." The lips rose to the closed eyelids. "You're safe." And they met the other lips again, in a succession of increasingly desperate touches.

Am I in front of you (Oh God, give me strength)

Or there is another man? (May I now ask for forgiveness?)

“I'll meet him in a couple of days.”

James didn't want to start the conversation by collapsing on his knees and begging but right now it was really, really hard for him. He took an uncertain breath, gripping the telephone receiver with all the strength he had in his hands, as if it were a life saver.

He took a breath and then exhaled, "Regulus, no… please."

The silence on the other end of the phone was devastating.

"I'm sorry James. It's inevitable."

"Why?"

James wanted to beat himself up: Regulus didn't answer questions directly. Why did he keep asking?

"Have you ever tried to stop a bleed without getting blood on yourself?"

James blinked. Was it too much to hope that this was the answer and not just jumping around? Little did he know, following Regulus' words was almost always like making sense of the flight of a butterfly.

But James had to try to understand. To understand why Regulus was about to give his soul to another man. "Did your parents ask you?"

"Father is interested in inheritance. Mother in prestige. End of their interests."

“It's so much more than that and you know it.”

"Don't let Sirius influence you. He's never been clever."

"You don't hate muggle-borns, your parents aren't forcing you, so… why?"

The silence on the other side of the phone was endless.

"I miss you. The way you perceive the world is so simple."

James didn't have time to answer him before Regulus interrupted the call telling him that it was too late and he had to go.

James tapped the receiver on his forehead a couple of times and then left the phone booth to reach an isolated place. And there he started screaming.

Because Regulus was about to get the Dark Mark and the only thing James would have wanted to do was tell Sirius, but then Regulus would probably never talk to him again and then telling Sirius would have been completely useless. Because once again Regulus had spoken of destiny with the same trepidation as someone who speaks of his own death and there was nothing he could do to prevent destiny from fulfilling itself. Because he wasn't strong enough to protect those he loved and whatever his decision would have inevitably ended up hurting someone. And there was nothing that tormented him more than the idea of hurting his friends.

He should have gone and revealed everything. He should have been honest with Lily and told her about Regulus. It would have been more right to kneel before Sirius and confess that Regulus loved him more than anything and that he loved Regulus without hesitation. Admitting to the years he had spent stealing precious moments to spend with Regulus.

But he couldn't. Because he promised. Because he was afraid.

And new nights and new days

Please Darling, if you can, don't hate me.

An hour had passed.

It had never happened to spend an hour on the phone with Regulus: usually their conversations were very short. He didn't think he could have so much to say to someone without actually saying anything relevant to the war, or the people he hung out with - because after all the two things were connected. Nevertheless…

He wrapped himself in his coat.

Autumn was starting to give way to a harsh winter and James realised how much he really missed Regulus: he missed the way he took up space with his presence, the tone of voice - so similar to his brother that James he found himself jumping more than once - and, above all, the contact with his skin. His kisses. His fingers dance through dark curls, lips mapping his skin.

He had to tell her.

Because he and Regulus had never officially been anything, not even to each other, but he could feel the taste of betrayal on the tip of his tongue every time he kissed Lily. Because with her, however, things were becoming clearer after that kiss at the end of the summer.

James wished he had cracked his head somewhere, or at least had someone to talk to about it.

But he had no one to do it with.

The truth is, the only person she felt comfortable opening her heart to was Reg.

He had to tell her.

And hope that one of the two would continue to love him anyway.

But he had just finished the longest conversation, on the phone with a Black. Even just thinking about a sentence like that made James dizzy. And they had talked about important things such as the meaning of life, human relationships, love. As if these were easy topics for a Black. Or maybe they were easy because there were two of them, behind the handset of a Muggle telephone.

And Lily was waiting for him at the entrance to the Order of the Phoenix. With the radiant smile of someone who can see the sun even in a storm, with that attractive force typical of beautiful people. James wanted to hold on to her a little longer, or for life. Because Lily's sun illuminated James' chiaroscuro and he knew that his heart beat for her light.

They would never forgive him.

***

Scotland - Christmas 1978

You know me  

Her parents adored Lily. Who wouldn't love Lily, after all.

They had undoubtedly been the best holidays we had ever spent together. Sirius had Remus come over to introduce him to Fleamont and to Euphemia as his boyfriend.

They had been tremendously tender.

James had stepped forward first as soon as Lily had materialised at the door of the Potter Family Home. His heart was in his throat but when heis mother saw them together she squealed like a little girl delighted by the sight of the two.

Sirius was behind them, holding Remus' hand tightly in his own hidden behind his back.

"James, you didn't tell me Remus would come too! Should I expect Peter to come too?"

"No, mum, there's only Remus. This year we're celebrating as a family."

Fleamont, who was greeting Lily, raised his head in amazement.

"Actually…" Sirius' voice was small, like when he first arrived at Potter House. He looked up at James, then made sure his clasped hands were visible to everyone. "Remus and I are together."

"Officially." Remus added, shaking Sirius' hand and looking at his boyfriend with poorly concealed pride.

"Oh, Sirius!" Euphemia went to hug Sirius and the boy clung to her as if his life depended on him.

Lily returned to James who put an arm around her shoulders as he continued to observe the scene in front of him, with Fleamont who, looking Remus straight in the eyes, said to him: "treat my boy well, and you and I won't have any problems."

James felt his heart swell, as if it wanted to explode. He laughed along with the others, kissed Lily under the mistletoe - and then Sirius, and his mother, and Lily again, and Remus who was immediately intercepted by his fiancé, and Sirius and Lily again - they danced and dined, and unwrapped the presents.

In the end, in front of the lit fireplace, all four of them curled up under a soft blanket, James felt like himself again.

“We should do this every year.”

"That's the plan."

"Being with you is good for my spirit."

"I'm glad you're feeling better."

"Since when do you need someone to lift your spirits? You're not Moony here."

"Ah, Paddy, but what do you know! Only my delicate little flower knows how I really feel."

"Betrayal!"

James felt like a student again, without problems and without a war to fight.

England - spring 1979

( What do you know about a trip to England? )

He was in Diagon Alley on some errands. He hadn't returned to England for some time, with the Order sending him to the four corners of the world with the excuse that he was free anyway.

But, after all, this too was a mission on behalf of the Order, if one could say so.

He had to recover the potion materials so that their best potionists - Lily and his father - could once again fill the dangerously empty shelves of their pharmacy after the latest events.

James was entering Knocturne Alley when he saw a familiar silhouette at the end of the street. He couldn't believe it was there.

He was going inside Borgin and Burkes but, as soon as he entered, James realised that Regulus had cast some type of anti-eavesdropping spell because the windows became almost mirror-like and, even as he got closer, the noises coming from inside were practically non-existent. Leaning against the wall next to number 13b, James lit a cigarette previously confiscated from Moony and, being extremely careful, cast a counterspell.

Burke was speaking very softly and in a monotone and James couldn't really hear him. But he could easily hear Regulus.

“When did Hepzibah Smith die?”

"You will not tell anyone about my visit or remember what we talked about. Finite ."

Regulus put one foot outside the shop just before James took his arm and started walking with a brisk but careless step. Regulus immediately melted on him, copying his pace and gait, the hood and cloak masking his shape.

"I would have preferred you at school instead of going around hexing people, I hope you know that."

"I would have preferred a bistro on the Seine, a glass of wine and good company. At least the last one seems to have improved."

"Sirius thinks you're at school."

"And he will continue to think so. You promised."

"I know, but it's harder every day."

Regulus raised a hand to hide his features even more while James took a room by hours in a dive surrounded by whores.

Once they entered the room Regulus took off his cloak and, immediately afterwards, he was in James' arms. A tight hug, hands in the hair, the others holding at the waist, strong so that nothing could ever separate them again.

"We should change places. This is already the second time we've come here."

"The first one, though, I was your little slut."

"Potter, your romanticism shocks me."

James laughed, with the joke still hidden in the crook of the other's neck. He inhaled deeply, breathing in the almost forgotten scent, then his hands began to map the other's body until an awareness caught him unprepared: Regulus had grown taller and was thinner than he had been the last time they had met.

"I should tell off that House Elf of yours that you're so fond of if he doesn't let you eat enough."

"Leave my House Elf alone. We can't all be like you."

And, before James could reply, Regulus took his face in his hands and his lips went to take that kiss that they had been agonising about since they fell in each other's arms.

James' mind shut down as his body awoke with an irrational, insatiable hunger. In a few moments the clothes were on the ground, the hands had complete access to the skin, to the flesh and to those incredible sensations that only together they could feel.

"I missed you."

"James…"

"I need you."

"James!"

Then it was just sighs, moans and words too painful to repeat.

Scotland - summer 1979

What I would give  

Peter held him upright as Remus threw open the door to the temporary headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix.

Peter screamed at the top of his lungs for a doctor, while Remus stumbled into a chair holding his side, white-faced and with a trickle of blood coming down from a curse that had hit him on the head.

Peter placed James on a cot and the boy's head rolled to the side, helpless.

Both Lily and Molly arrived immediately, ready to fix the boy, while Peter went to check on how Remus was doing.

A light thud recalls his attention.

A small box had fallen from a pocket in James' robe.

"Oh, damn, I have to…" Peter tried to reach for the little box as he finished hand-bandaging Remus' head, but obviously it wasn't possible.

And of course it was Lily who noticed the little box and she who took it.

And to open it.

"James will kill us." Peter murmured to Remus as they both watched with wide eyes as Lily opened the small midnight blue velvet box.

Her breath caught in her throat.

"Will you marry me, Lily?"

James, pale as death, with Molly holding his insides in place with a spell while her wand made marks on his bloody belly in an attempt to close the wound, smiled at the incredulous look on Lily's face.

"Don't talk now, conserve your strength."

Lily ran her fingers through his bloody hair, lightly touching his forehead as if she were afraid of hurting him. James closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying that moment of tenderness.

"We'll find whoever made you like this, don't worry. He'll regret what he did to you."

The tension in Lily's voice was evident and earned a glare from Molly who thought those words were too harsh. James on the other hand chuckled with satisfaction, interrupting Molly's work for a moment.

“The only thing I'm worried about is that you still haven't answered me, oh my delicate flower.”

Lily hesitated for a moment, as if she didn't remember what the other man was talking about. Then he looked at the other two boys, who were imitating the gesture of opening something small…

James realised the moment his girlfriend's brain put all the pieces into place realising that yes, James had indeed asked her to marry him almost by accident.

"How long have you been carrying this little box around?"

"The truth? Since yesterday."

"And when were you going to ask me?"

"Probably at the meeting today. But maybe in the end I would have opted for dinner with just you and me."

"Just you and me. Sounds good."

"Is that a yes?"

"That is a yes."

Israel - November 1979

( What do you know about an Israelite love? )

The streets of Israel were the same as and different from those of Britain. They had a different rhythm, foreign smells and colours, a warmth that even in the middle of winter seemed to envelop passers-by.

James had been sent to investigate: Voldemort - here he could say it, he could think it - had left traces that led here, and stopped here. James was the only one who wasn't burdened with classes or jobs so he could be sent to supervise. He kept in touch with others through the mirror he shared with Sirius, but so far away from everyone, in a completely new reality, he felt a little lost.

His contact spoke barely intelligible English, and his polyglot spell wasn't very effective on something he had no knowledge of.

From what he could gather, Voldemort had passed here before he was Voldemort and had interacted with some wise men. Only one lived in the city, secluded in his own home; the other two were hermits, finding them would have meant a longer journey than he expected.

He had just received confirmation, through Sirius, that he could stay for the whole month, when he was blinded by the reflection of the light which, in broad daylight, hit the hand clutching a kufiya.

He knew that paleness.

He elbowed his way through the crowd, trying not to lose the slender figure in front of him in that orgy of bodies.

He grabbed his hand before even thinking to check that he wasn't being followed, that he was actually alone.

His eyes - the only thing visible on his face - were indescribable. Not so much for their beauty, which he missed like the air he breathed, but for the quantity of emotions he read inside them.

Terror. Acceptance. Relief. Determination. Love.

Hope.

Regulus threw his arms around his neck and pulled him close. James's arms went to surround his thin waist, grasping the base of his neck. He had grown taller, but was even thinner than the last time they saw each other.

"How long have you been here? Are you alone? Have they followed you?"

James took his face hidden by the fabric in his hands to stop the flow of anxiety, reassuring him with his eyes and words.

It turns out they were looking for the same thing.

James on behalf of Dumbledore, Regulus on his own.

"Don't ask me why. Things would only get more complicated if you knew."

James wanted to punch the wall. And another. And another, until all the frustration he felt destroyed the wall or his hands.

Instead, in his hotel room, he took his face in his hands again and kissed him, with all the desperation that had accompanied him in those months of distance, demanding attention and love in equal measure, giving himself in return.

So that other people sees with my eyes

Before leaving James had said goodbye to all his friends. It wouldn't have been a very long mission, but a couple of weeks away seemed endless.

Sirius was the first to hug him tightly.

“I still can't believe you won't be by my side in the next few days.” he murmured in his ear as he pulled him into a tight hug.

James returned the hug and then peered into those much loved eyes.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

And Sirius laughed. His gaze lit up with the same light that shone in his.

Remus came for his hug soon after.

"Wherever you go," he said, staring into his face with that intensity of someone who knows the dangers of the world first-hand but trusts in the abilities of others, "whatever happens, bring your tough skin back home, do we understand each other?"

Remus was like him. Aggressively supportive.

Peter placed a bag in his hand.

"It contains basic necessities, potions of various types that could be useful if you encounter enemies, an anaesthetic, an antipyretic, sterile bandages kept under a spell and an unauthorised portkey in case you need a very rapid escape route. To activate it you have to dirty it with a couple of drops of your blood, so that it perceives that you are you. I have expanded the range of action of the mirror that you and Sirius use to communicate so that the connection is more stable. We both know that Sirius couldn't survive going more than two hours without talking to you. Then..."

Peter was interrupted by James' hug. Shadows were gathering in his friend's gaze, worry was becoming fear and fear led to hasty and dangerously wrong choices.

"Thank you. I'll make sure I don't have to use any of the contents of this bag. Well, except the mirror: Padfoot isn't really capable of being alone for more than two hours. Thanks Peter. I know I can count on you. Don't get into too much trouble while I'm gone, okay? If in doubt, go to Lily. Or Remus. Don't go to Sirius, the two of you together do nothing but damage."

"HEY!" his two friends blurted out together. And James laughed, because the shadows in Peter's eyes had cleared, at least a little.

“So off you go.” Lily's voice almost caught him off guard. She was afraid too. She was scared too.

"You will be in my thoughts every minute, every second. I will never truly leave you alone."

"I wish I had a mirror like Sirius too."

"You don't need it, I'm here, with you." he placed a hand on her chest at heart level.

Then he squeezed a little and Lily slapped his hand.

"You're a pig, James Potter." she laughed and her look went back to that of a carefree nineteen year old.

"A pig you decided to marry, I remind you." James reminded her before kissing her intensely there, in front of his cheering friends.

Like the stupid kids they were.

But they were his.

Israel - December 1979

( About two staring eyes that told me "You're a liar, it's over!" )

Regulus was lying on their bed. They had been together for two days, they had recovered what they both needed and James felt at home again for the first time. A different house from the one where he grew up, a less noisy and cheerful house, a house that didn't smell of apple and cinnamon but smelled of waiting, of dried lavender, of gentle silences and stolen smiles.

It was a house he knew well.

For this reason he immediately perceived the change in the silence.

Regulus was sitting on the bed, he was wearing James' sweater, that cardigan with the deep pockets, the one he wore the first day he arrived in Israel and which he had never put back on.

The one who had the ring he and Lily had exchanged in the pocket.

"What is this?"

James had never heard the other's voice shake like that.

"Regulus…"

“It's an engagement ring***, isn't it?”

James saw him twist the little silver band between his fingers. It had nothing special other than a very light engraving along the entire crown with stylized Lilium.

"Regulus can I…"

"It's an engagement ring. A promise. A commitment. And it's not with me."

Regulus had stood up. His eyes had left the ring he still held in his fingers to meet James's. Those eyes were scary. They had never been so cold, they had never been so ruthless. Not even when he had seen Regulus terrorise the older boys or when he argued with Sirius. They had never been like this.

"I beg you…"

"No. Lily Evans, right? She's the one you promised your heart, your body, your spirit, your thoughts, your hours, your breaths! So what the hell are you doing here with me?! How long, James? How long has this been going on?"

He was one step away from him now. The hand holding the ring was stiff and immobile but the rest of the body seemed to tremble. And the whole house seemed to tremble with him.

"I do not…"

"But really? For so long? How could I have been so blind!"

With a punch in the chest he gave the ring back and, without even grabbing the wand, his magic began to recover her things, he tore off that cardigan while the long robe went to cover that rigid and furious body.

James tried to take a step forward. "Let me explain!"

"Ah, why do you even have an explanation? What, that you can't love a Death Eater? A man?"

James felt the cold of those eyes pass under his skin and grip his limbs.

He couldn't let things end like this, he couldn't let him leave.

He pushed through Regulus's magic - it had never felt like that on his skin - and grabbed his arm before he could extend his fingers for his wand.

"No, Regulus!"

"Leave me! Leave me and disappear from my sight! You could have waited! It wouldn't have taken long but no! Instead you stay with her but call me, promise me eternal love and have sex with me, when you're going to marry her! And the promises we shared? Don't those count?"

There was tearfulness in Regulus' voice. And James felt his blood run cold.

He had done everything wrong. Regulus wasn't okay with the relationship they had, but he wanted more and James didn't understand. He thought he could interpret all the silences and all the subtexts of the other but he didn't understand that for Regulus, the two of them were together. Maybe not yet to the point of exchanging eternal promises, but they were serious.

How had he not understood this?

"I love you Regulus!"

He tried, trying to channel everything he felt for the other into those words.

But Regulus' magic, at those words, seemed to explode.

"GET OUT!"

He screamed. But he left the room. And to apparate as soon as he left the room.

James was left in the chaos of an empty room with a shattered heart and the awareness that he had done everything wrong. Even though he didn't know what he could have done differently.

What do you know about a boy who loved you

Who spoke and knew nothing

He had returned immediately, had brought the results of his - their - research to Dumbledore and then had run away from everyone, giving the excuse the tiredness of a couple of weeks away from home, but in reality he hadn't slept a single day. He had written to Regulus. Many times. But Regulus hadn't responded. The first two letters had been sent back. But the last one was still there, at Black House, and James couldn't help but hope that maybe that one would be answered, maybe it wouldn't all be in vain.

Don't let my stupidity kill what we were, what we have been and what we could be again.

James paced his room, scanned the horizon in search of a sign, any, that Regulus might forgive him.

I love you so much it hurts and I naively thought that the love I feel towards Lily could ease that pain. I won't lie to you and tell you that there is no feeling between me and her. But you are my life. You are the beat of my heart. You are the one who shaped me to be the man I am.

He hadn't slept in much more than twenty-four hours. He was exhausted but couldn't afford to sleep. He had to remain vigilant in case Regulus showed up.

It's my stupidity that divided us, not fate. Please, I beg you, come back to me, forgive my madness and start loving me again. I'm no longer afraid of pain. Now I know what it means to not have you and it's not tolerable.

Come back to me.

I beg you.

I beg you

And yet what will he said, who knows why,

Now it's the truth (yes, you know why)

He hadn't heard from Regulus for two days. The last owl had returned without response. So the other had received the letter, but had decided not to reply.

It was over.

How could it have ended?

James felt his chest bursting and tears pressing to escape.

He looked out the window one last time.

He had to tell Lily.

He had to explain to her what he felt, what had happened, how it had happened. And hope that at least she wouldn't abandon him.

And he had to tell Sirius.

Somehow, trying to get around the promise he made.

For Regulus he had explored every possibility and had chosen to hide their relationship from the world. Regulus had dictated the rules for what they were, for the times, for the places, for the people.

But James still hadn't understood and now, the relationship kept hidden from everyone was over, as if it had never happened, as if it wasn't meant to be.

James hated fate.

***

London - 8 December 1979

I have a new life in front of me

- Ours is already over - 

The news came like a bolt from the blue. Remus' voice from the fireplace calling out, an owl from Peter and one from Dumbledore, a patronus from Euphemia.

James ran to the fireplace as his mother's patronus whispered of terrible news, and of Sirius in shock.

And Remus was more or less shouting the same things at him, adding the information that it was something that happened at Black House. His heart began to race as he grabbed the two letters and a handful of Fly Powder.

"Walburga came while I was gone." Remus welcomed him in the living room of the apartment he shared with Sirius. "I saw her leave as I was coming back." They arrived in the kitchen. A glass was on the ground in a thousand pieces. Next to him, sitting on the floor, Sirius. "I found him like this and I can't shake him."

"H-hey Pads. Can I come closer?" James took a step that made the glass crunch under his shoes.

Sirius rolled his eyes. Glassy, staring at Remus, motionless in the door mirror. Then he moved them to James and they filled with tears.

And the world exploded.

Sirius began to cry desperately while the glass on the floor was pulverised and the kitchen windows began to rattle as if fluttered by a strong wind.

Without thinking twice James threw himself on his knees, his arms surrounded his friend, his fingers went to rest protectively on the nape and back of Sirius. Sirius's screams only grew louder, his cries clawed at James's clothes, his tears soaked the other's robes.

James held him until he fell asleep in his arms, there on a shattered kitchen floor.

James and Remus silently dragged Sirius into their room. Remus stayed with him and James returned to the living room where Lily and Alice, who had arrived on the dustman while James cradled Sirius on the kitchen floor, were waiting for him.

"I do not know what happened." He told them before they could speak. Alice had a contrite expression that James noticed immediately. "But you know."

"I was there when Moody broke the news to Dumbledore."

James took the two letters he hadn't yet opened from the pocket of his robe.

Dumbledore's was short.

Mr. Potter

I regret to inform you that Regulus Black was pronounced dead tonight at 3.39 am in corpore absentia.

Please give my condolences to Mr. Black.

James felt his knees give way. Alice and Lily hurry to support him and make him sit on the nearest sofa. James tried to regain his ability to breathe and, unable to make any kind of sound, passed Dumbledore's letter to Lily to read.

The girl blinked, momentarily taken aback: after all, Sirius had never shown in public the deep love that bound him to his brother, only the other three Marauders knew that.

Nobody knew about James.

James closed his eyes trying to regain control of his body and his emotions without great success as a tear rolled down his face. He was mumbling under his breath without realising it and the two girls looked at him perplexed.

“What do you mean he was alive two days ago?”

Remus had heard it from the door. James looked up, suddenly realising his mistake.

"Don't..." the voice came out strangled, the eyes were filled with unshed tears.

But Remus was not moved. "Do not try." He hissed, but you could feel that if it hadn't been for Sirius sleeping in the next room, he would have screamed.

James turned over the small silver engagement ring on his ring finger, the same one Lily also wore, a promise of a future together.

"I saw Regulus two days ago while I was on a mission."

"Why didn't you tell Dumbledore?"

He couldn't catch his breath, his breath was stuck in his chest. The images of that stay in Israel stacked behind half-closed eyelids.

"It wasn't relevant." He managed to stutter.

Remus had already understood. His eyes told him he already knew and James was terrified.

It wasn't important. It wasn't important anymore.

Regulus was dead.

Another tear slipped and disappeared into his two-day-old beard.

Alice stepped in front of him, eclipsing Remus. "James, you saw a Death Eater on a mission to find information on You-Know-Who's activities over the past few years. How could that not be relevant?"

Regulus was relevant, that was all the problem. Regulus was the pivot around which James' thoughts revolved, around which the boy he was now was formed.

Regulus was everything.

There was no Regulus.

"It's personal. And it's irrelevant to the war."

Lily clenched her jaw as she looked between Remus and James.

"James." His voice was hard and cold. Only one other time had it been like this. "Who was Regulus?"

Regulus had been everything.

Regulus was nothing anymore.

"Sirius' brother. Since Sirius ran away from home, Regulus and I talk sometimes... We talked about him and how he is."

The simplest truth to share. The one that hurt the least. The bearable one.

Not according to Alice, anyway.

"And you never thought to tell us?"

The truth? "No."

Lily… of course Lily hissed the burning question.

" How many times were you talking?"

There was war. He could see his best friends to spend time together without work or the Order more or less once a month. He tried to see Lily more often but…

"About once a week..."

Lily held her breath for a moment. Then it exploded. "James!" Remus growled from the door and Lily lowered her voice, still shouting, but quietly. "We see each other less, and we're engaged."

James lowered his head and ran his fingers through his hair, gripping it tightly.

"I know."

He loved Lily, of course he loved Lily. But Regulus was the air he breathed.

"James…"

Lily was his rock, the pillar of his existence. But Regulus was the wind in your hair as they flew, he was the wonder of discovery, he was the beauty of a sunset, he was the delicacy of a smile on too often severe lips.

"I beg you…"

Lily was carefree, playful, continuous movement. Regulus had taught him patience, silence, love.

"James."

Lily was the woman he loved. But Regulus… "He was the love of my life."

London - Christmas 1979

And new nights and new days,

Darling, do you go away or you come back to me?

The days that followed the news of Regulus' death were terrible.

In his letter Peter informed them that Orion Black had been admitted to St. Mungo's Hospital that same day with an aneurysm. He was dead within hours.

Sirius' uncle, Alphard, had gone directly to Voldemort to ask for news of his nephew and at least return his body to him. It hadn't gone well: Voldemort had denied it, Alphard had become upset, Voldemort had implied that perhaps Regulus had just run away, Alphard had lost his mind, Voldemort had killed him.

Sirius had become the new Lord Black, at his grandfather's insistence. He was distant and taciturn again and James wished he could help, but Sirius no longer spoke to him. Nor Remus or Lily.

And James was fine with that. He deserved it. But that didn't make him feel any less alone.

It was Christmas and the house was empty.

Euphemia, to fill the silence left by Sirius, decided to attend the Ministry Christmas Ball.

Reluctantly, James had put on his best smile, dressed appropriately, and greeted everyone present with a couple of kind words and a nod. And, constantly at the edge of his field of vision was Sirius, his Cadet Auror uniform, the fists clenched in his pockets, the rigid line of his mouth. He would have liked to get closer, but unfortunately his friend kept him constantly on the other side of the room.

James was on his fourth glass of prosecco when the floor vibrated as an unknown number of Death Eaters materialised in the Hall.

James saw Sirius break the pendant around his neck to raise the alarm.

A moment later it was chaos.

In the few minutes it took the Order to arrive, James managed to rescue a couple of old wizards, the underage son of the Chief Justice of the Wizengamot, four footmen, and a handful of other people. However, he had lost sight of his parents.

While fighting with a hooded man, allowing a little girl to escape, he saw Sirius protecting the small hospital area that Peter had just set up, Lily holding off two Death Eaters, not far from where he was.

At that moment Voldemort arrived in the Hall. And a beam of green light hit an Auror who didn't even have time to turn to see who had attacked him.

James, in front of him, saw death feasting with the light of his eyes, drinking the warm colour of his skin, severing the threads that supported his body. A moment later the gruesome figure of Voldemort occupied his vision.

A spell distracted the Dark Wizard and James regained possession of himself. He would not let Voldemort kill again that night.

He tightened his grip on his weapon and, with Lily at his side and the entire Order behind him, managed to force Voldemort and his Death Eaters to retreat.

Sirius threw himself at him, screaming in his ears about how stupid, how reckless, how absolutely brilliant his fight against Voldemort had been and "please don't ever do it again. I can't lose another brother."

Peter came closer and collapsed on his shoulder, shaking and exhausted.

Lily watched him with huge eyes, unable to believe that they had actually driven Voldemort away. That James really almost die. That his last look would be for her.

January 1980

Am I in front of you (Oh God, give me strength)

Or there is another man? (May I now ask for forgiveness?)

It had been a week since the attack on the Ministry and James suspected that things were, after all, going well.

They probably couldn't have gone better. His friends had started talking to him again - well,  actually Peter had never stopped - the situation on the front was pretty calm, his parents were fine.

Lily had started hanging out with Alice more than before, and with her and Frank's friends.

She hung out a lot with Frank's friends.

"The world doesn't revolve around you, Potter."

James closed his eyes and lowered his head in laboured assent.

"I know Reg, I know."

"Save nicknames for your friends. I'm not your friend."

"I love you, Regulus."

"Prove it."

"And prove it to her."

Remus was the only one he could really ask. He was the only one who wasn't there during the attack on the Ministry so he was the only one who wasn't dazzled by his stellar performance in front of Voldemort. And he was the only one who still sulked at him, although much less than before. For this reason, before talking to him about Lily, he asked him about the two of them, if things were really good between them.

"Yes. I was more worried about Sirius than about myself. And Sirius seems to have gotten over the shock. There's something I don't understand though: Lily and Regulus. A Muggle-born and a pureblood supremacist. Together. How?"

"They are both much more than this. Lily has always been the best in the class, the one to impress, to reach. Always too far away. A constant challenge. It is still a challenge. Few things excite me more than challenges. Then it became very more than this: it's passion, desire, torment. It's what keeps me alive. Regulus on the other hand... he probably wasn't even what you and Sirius think: I've seen him too many times playing with muggle things, studying them and being fascinated by them. Regulus was a pureblood? Yes. A Death Eater? Yes. A staunch supporter of those ideologies? You wouldn't believe it even if he swore to me. But above all he was the one who taught me silence, the wonder in the details, he is the one who taught me to stop and savour the moment, take a step back to contemplate the infinite. Regulus was my deepest soul, and now that he is no longer there I am groping in the dark."

“You fell in love with both of them.”

"Desperately. And life is too short to have to choose. It was even shorter than I feared."

"Tell her this."

"Tell her this."

“What do I do if she has already moved on, if fighting is useless?”

"Do you think fighting for her will ever be useless? After seven years?"

"No. It was never useless."

"Tell her this."

"Tell her this."

And new nights and new days

Please darling, if you can, don't hate me.

*Cit The Count of Monte Cristo, A. DUMAS

**We know nothing about what Casa Black looked like before the Fidelius Charm, or at least I don't think so. We know that it wasn't mappable - a bit like Hogwarts - but I don't think anything else was written on it. So I like to imagine that the "spring between two buildings" effect was a consequence of the Fidelius Charm. For Muggles, no. 12 simply doesn't exist; for the Wizards it is exactly where it should be. After the Fidelius, if they give you the position while you are in front of the house you see the cool effect of the house making space among the Muggle ones.

***engagement ring: ok… so, it's not really an engagement ring what I talk about here, and I've no idea if it's something that exists only where I live or if it's common enough. So… when we're engaged usually we exchange a silver version of a wedding ring. So, it's not a ring with a big diamond on it that a man gives to a woman, but two identical rings that show how these two people are together. I hope it's clear enough.

Pensieri e Parole (Thoughts and Words) - Lucio Battisti

Italian Lyrics

Che ne sai di un bambino che rubava
E soltanto nel buio giocava
E del sole che trafigge i solai, che ne sai

E di un mondo tutto chiuso in una via
E di un cinema di periferia
Che ne sai della nostra ferrovia, che ne sai

Conosci me, la mia lealtà
Tu sai che oggi morirei per onestà
Conosci me, il nome mio
Tu sola sai se è vero o no che credo in Dio

Che ne sai tu di un campo di grano
Poesia di un amore profano
La paura d'esser preso per mano, che ne sai

L'amore mio (che ne sai di un ragazzo perbene)
È roccia ormai (che mostrava tutte quante le sue pene)
E sfida il tempo e sfida il vento e tu lo sai (la mia sincerità per rubare la sua verginità)
Sì, tu lo sai (ma che ne sai)

Davanti a me c'è un'altra vita
La nostra è già finita
E nuove notti e nuovi giorni
Cara, vai o torni con me
Davanti a te ci sono io (dammi forza, mio Dio)
O un altro uomo (chiedo adesso perdono)
E nuove notti e nuovi giorni
Cara, non odiarmi se puoi

Conosci me (che ne sai di un viaggio in Inghilterra)
Quel che darei (che ne sai di un amore israelita)
Perché negli altri ritrovassi gli occhi miei (di due occhi sbarrati che mi han detto bugiardo è finita)

Che ne sai di un ragazzo che ti amava
Che parlava e niente sapeva
Eppur quel che diceva chissà perché chissà
Adesso è verità (sì, tu lo sai)

Davanti a me c'è un'altra vita
La nostra è già finita
E nuove notti e nuovi giorni
Cara, vai o torni con me Davanti a te ci sono io (dammi forza, mio Dio)
O un altro uomo (chiedo adesso perdono)
E nuove notti e nuovi giorni
Cara, non odiarmi se puoi

My - awful - lyrics translation

What do you know about a child who stole
and who played only in the dark?
And what do you know about the sun piercing the attics?

And of a whole world compressed in one street?
And of a suburban cinema?
What do you know about our railway? What do you know?

You know me, my loyalty
You know that today I would die for honesty
You know me, you know my name
Only you know if I truly believe in God

What do you know about a wheat field,
poetry of a profane love?
The fear of holding hands, what do you know?

My love (What do you know about a good boy)
It's like a rock now (who showed all his pains?)
And defy the time and defy the wind and you know it (My sincerity to steal their virginity)
Yes, you know it (oh, what do you know?)

I have a new life in front of me
- Ours is already over -
And new nights and new days,
Darling, do you go away or you come back to me?

Am I in front of you (Oh God, give me strength)
Or there is another man? (May I now ask for forgiveness?)
And new nights and new days
Please Darling, if you can, don't hate me.

You know me (What do you know about a trip to England?)
What I would give (What do you know about an Israelite love?)
So that other people sees with my eyes (About two staring eyes that told me "You're a liar, it's over!")

What do you know about a boy who loved you
Who spoke and knew nothing
And yet what will he said, who knows why,
Now it's the truth (yes, you know why)

I have a new life in front of me
- Ours is already over -
And new nights and new days,
Darling, do you go away or you come back to me?

Am I in front of you (Oh God, give me strength)
Or there is another man? (May I now ask for forgiveness?)
And new nights and new days
Please darling, if you can, don't hate me.