“No No!” Maria sunk to her knees immediately following her glass of water. Her eyes bore into the shards that littered the tile floor. Natasha’s tile floor, fuck she’s gonna be so mad.
Maria tried to muffle her cry with her hand. Her sobs intensified when she heard the slamming of Natasha’s bedroom door.
“Masha?” The redhead padded out in search of the brunette. At the redheads voice Maria jumped to cover the glass, cutting her hand on a small shard. When Natasha finally found her she only took a few second for everything to click into place. “Oh Maria, Oh honey it’s okay.” She didn’t know why she had called Maria ‘honey’ it wasn’t a nickname she had ever used before for her. Maybe it was the pathetically sad look upon her face.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to- I’ll clean it- I’m sorry!”
“Hey, hey hey, it’s okay, you’re okay sweetie, look at me honey.”
After a painstaking moment she looked to her.
“I’m sorry-“
“You aren’t in trouble or anything baby, i don’t care, it was an accident.”
Maria hands shook, actually her whole body shook.
“I’ll clean it- my fault- i’m sorry-“ Maria move to grab the glass and Natasha shot a hand out to stop her. Maria flinched from her hand and apologized more.
“I’ll get it honey, C’mon, Come with me.”
Maria looked confused.
“You aren’t in trouble.”
“But i- i broke your glass. oh my god I broke your glass.”
“It was an accident, come with me, let’s put a movie on okay?”
Maria stammered her protests but Natasha just pulled her into her arms and shushed her, “you’re safe baby girl. no one is going to hurt you. I won’t let anything happen.”
Maria nodded but was still cautious of her every move post incidence.
“Natasha?” The name was mumbled, Maria herself looked shocked she voiced her name.
The redhead pat her knee, “What’s up honey?”
“Are you- Are you mad?”
“No, No not at all, i’m not mad at you.”
Maria hiccuped a few times, “It’s okay- It’s okay if you are- I understand if you don’t want to be with me-“
“Maria!” Natasha scolded before thinking.
Maria flinched.
“No I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell, I just didn’t like you talking about yourself as if you were disposable like that. It was an accident, you don’t need to feel sorry for that.” Natasha slowly put a hand on her back and ran it up and down, gently shushing her.
“We gotta wrap up your hand love.”
Maria shuddered, “I don’t want to hold the glass.”
Natasha’s heart dropped, “No love, no you won’t touch the glass, I’m just going to wrap your hand up.”
“Clean bandages?”
Natasha nodded, “I’ll get the med kit.”
By the time Natasha has come back Maria was hiding her injury. It was a small cut and Natasha wasn’t too worried about it but she knew it should still be wrapped and it probably stung. Natasha was more worried about Maria’s current mental state.
“Masha honey, I need you to give me your hand.”
Maria looked away as she offered her shaking hand. Natasha treated her with such care Maria couldn’t comprehend what was occurring.
When Natasha was done Maria looked at her with a childlike astonishment, “There’s no glass, why didn’t you put glass in it?”
Natasha sighed, “Come here love.”
Maria leaned against the redhead.
“I don’t know who did that to you but that is wrong Masha, you don’t deserve to have glass tapped to your hand ever, much less because of an accident.”
—————————
Their first shared apartment had a nice kitchen, it was small and could be seen clearly the moment anyone walked through the door.
Natasha never expected to find Maria standing in the corner of the kitchen, staring blankly at the floor.
“Masha, i’m back!”
Natasha hung her keys before surveying the room. She spotted the brunette immediately.
“Masha? Babe?” Natasha didn’t even have time to take off her shoes as she rushed over. She quickly noticed the glint on the floor and heard a crunch under her foot. Small pieces of glass littered the floor near Maria’s bare feet.
Maria stayed spaced out.
“Okay honey arms around me.” Maria listened robotically and Natasha was able to lift her up and carry her to their small living room couch where she set her down, “Stay here baby, i’m gonna get the broom and vacuum.”
Maria sat on the sofa curled up as Natasha cleaned and didn’t move until the redhead returned to her side.
“Alright it’s all cleaned up, all gone, the floors safe again.”
Now is when Maria’s bottom lip began to waver like a child. Natasha pulled her into her arms.
“You’re safe, you didn’t do anything wrong, you aren’t in trouble. It was just an accident, no one is mad at you.”
“I’m sorry.” Maria hiccuped.
“It’s okay sweetie. you have nothing to be sorry for.”
Natasha looked into Maria’s pain filled eyes which were dripping with tears. She could have cried for her the expression was so depressing. Natasha cupped her cheeks and brushed her thumbs over them. Maria’s bottom lips quivered again as she tried to speak.
“I shouldn’t have-“
“Masha,” she kissed her forehead, “It was an accident, i don’t care about a glass i just care that you are safe.”
“But I- I broke it, Again, I did it again, I’m so stupid. Fucking idiot.” Maria tangled her hair into her hands and pulled in frustration.
Natasha reacted by quickly grabbing Maria’s wrists, “Masha you are not an idiot. It was an accident, accidents happen.”
“I’m not a fucking child.” She untangled her hands but Natasha didn’t let go of her wrists.
“Maria.”
“No!” Maria pulled away, “I’m fucking stupid just because my stupid dad liked breaking glasses on me and beating me when I broken them. That was fucking decades ago. Why can’t I- I can’t- Fuck-“
The tears were back, Natasha wordlessly reached out and pulled Maria to her chest. One hand cupped her cheek and the other held her waist.
“That fucker.”
Maria huffed, “Yeah.”
Natasha kissed her forehead, “I don’t have to tell you about how wrong that is right?”
Maria shook her head, “I know, I always knew.”
“Then you know your response is normal, it is completely normal and you don’t have to feel shame or doubt for still reacting the same.”
Maria grumbled and huffed again, “okay.” was the most she could manage at the time.
—————————
Natasha heard a shatter a cry and a loud call for “Nat!”
The redhead came in hot and found Maria holding Liho away from a broken glass.
“It’s my fault. I’m sorry.”
Natasha assured Maria “It’s okay honey, No one is mad. Love, Can I have Liho please?”
Maria adjusted her grip but didn’t pass the kitten.
“Honey, I need the Liho, she’s safe, it’s okay.”
Maria didn’t budge and Natasha huffed, “Baby please, She’s okay.”
Maria finally passed the kitten over to Natasha, who then quickly put her in their bedroom.
With Liho gone Maria slid to sit on the kitchen floor and watched as Natasha swept all over the place. When she was done she sat crisscross in front of her wife.
“It wasn’t your fault Love.”
“Not hers.”
“That’s right.”
“m’sorry for acting like this.”
Natasha closed her eyes for a moment, “Ria that’s not- It’s-“ She paused a little longer, “Ria it’s not your fault baby, It’s a trigger-“
“No!”
“Honey, breathe, It’s a trigger for you, I know, it’s okay.”
“No it’s not.”
“Not what?”
“Not okay. Not a trigger ”
Natasha sighed, “Baby, your response, it’s not your fault, it’s automatic and it happens every time a glass breaks in our house. It’s a trigger for you and that is okay.”
“It’s stupid.”
“Masha you’ve seen what happens when I hear Bach, is that stupid?”
Maria shook her head, “No I never- Of course not Nat.”
Natasha pulled her in for a hug, “Breathe, I know you didn’t say that but it’s the same thing Baby.”
Maria shook her head at the idea and started to shake as the tears started.
“Every time- every time i’m back there.” Natasha squeezed her knee, “And i just feel like a kid-“
“I know baby, it sucks, i’m sorry.”
Maria sighed, “Can we- can we go to bed- i mean can I, I just need a minute, never mind i’m sorry it’s not- i’m fine- i’m fine-“
“Hey breathe, breathe love.”
“I’m fine, I’m fine.”
“I know honey, let’s go to our room okay?”
—————————
Natasha and Maria both sat at the kitchen counter of the Barton’s farm house. They sipped on their coffee’s as Lila showed them her lego collection at seven in the morning.
“Auntie Ria, can I have juice?” Five year old Lila asked.
Maria nodded and gave her a pat on the head as she filled a glass of orange juice for the girl. Lila stood in front of Maria as she filled it, eager to drink the sugary drink. However, the second Maria handed the girl the drink it slipped through her hands and the glass shattered all over the floor. Natasha stood ready to jump and grab Lila but Maria was already on it.
She grabbed the girl and sat her on the island counter. Lila cried out loud and Maria immediately made sure she wasn’t cut anywhere. Her foot was a little red where she dropped the glass so Maria scooped Lila into her arms and grabbed an ice pack from the freezer.
Lila clung to Maria as the older woman iced the girls foot.
“You’re okay sweetheart, I’m sorry I should have gotten a different cup baby.” Lila snuggled close to her aunt, only sniffles coming from her now. Natasha had cleaned up the glass and juice and filled a new plastic cup with orange juice. The redhead motioned for Maria to sit at the table with Lila and she did so. Lila sat on her lap, her head nestled under Maria’s chin.
Laura came down a few minutes after the event.
Lila jumped up to hug her mom, “I dropped juice on my foot.”
Laura chuckled a little and kissed Lila on the head, “Is your foot gonna make it?”
“Auntie Ria fixed it.”
“Well thank goodness for that.”
Maria avoided looking at Laura and when she sat down next to Maria the brunette stiffened visibly. Natasha didn’t wait for things to escalate.
“Masha can you help me with my hair?”
Maria looked up confused but nodded slowly.
Natasha put a hand around Maria’s waist as she led her upstairs. When they got to their room Natasha locked it behind them.
“You okay?”
Maria nodded but chewed her lip anxiously.
“You did great back there you know?”
Maria shook her head, “just did what I was supposed to.”
“I’m really proud of you Mia.” Natasha pulled her in for a hug, “You know Laura isn’t mad at you right?”
Maria shrugged, “Not really.”
“She’s not mad at you, she isn’t mad at the glass or Lila’s foot. You don’t need to be scared of her.”
“I’m not-“
“Maria.”
“I hurt her daughter.”
Natasha held her close but looked at her very seriously, “You didn’t hurt her, you did great. I just want to make sure you are okay and that you know you don’t have to be afraid of Laura because she isn’t mad and she won’t hurt you Mia.”
Maria nodded, “I know, I know. Just needed a minute.” Maria pulled Natasha in close, “I’m okay, I’m good to go back okay?”
Natasha smiled and kissed Maria several times all over her face, “I love you.”
“I love you too Talia.”
————————— +1
Maria walked up the steps of the book store, Natasha close behind, she intended on holding the door open for Natasha but shut it once she heard the music playing inside. It was classical. Natasha doesn’t do well listening to classical.
“Masha?”
“I think we should go to the coffee shop first.”
Natasha pointed to the sign on the book store door, “No food or drink near books”
“But we could just finish it before we go in.” maybe they would have a different song on by then.
Natasha narrowed her eyes, “You’re acting strange. We can go after okay?”
Natasha was about to push past her when Maria grabbed her shoulder, “It’s- they’re playing Bach in there.”
“Oh.” Natasha’s hand slipped from the door for a split second, “oh well right?” She pulled the door open and stepped inside, Maria right behind her.
Natasha let the music flow over her, for a second it was peaceful, until the man to her right held the face of her ballet instructor and the little girl to her left looked oddly like Nika, the youngest girl in her group who was killed for sloppy ballet skills.
Maria saw Natasha’s feet slip unconsciously into first position, her back rigid as she scanned the room.
“Natasha? Love? Let’s head out, okay?”
Natasha didn’t hear her, instead she jumped when a man brushed against her to get around to the door. Natasha jumped back and accidentally into Maria. Her head snapped up to look at Maria’s eyes.
“Natasha? You with me?”
Maria placed a hand at her back but Natasha cringed away, “We have to leave Love.”
Natasha was beginning to shake but wouldn’t listen to Maria. The brunette was afraid of what would happen next so instead she grabbed Natasha’s arm and physically dragged her out of the store.
Natasha screamed once the door was shut, “They’ll get me! NO! I can’t- No no no- there gonna get me there gonna get me.”
Natasha yelled this into Maria’s chest.
“Baby, no one is going to hurt you. You are safe, I’ve got you Love.”
Natasha screamed some more, people began to pass them at a faster pace.
She screamed as she tried to sink into the ground about how ‘they would get her’
Maria held her up and kept speaking to her calmly but Natasha was inconsolable, Maria knew she had to get her home before someone recognized her.
Maria tried to tug Natasha along but the redhead broke out of her hold and began backing away. Natasha stepped off the street curb. Every move Maria made to get closer Natasha would take a step back. Maria waited until there were no cars coming, she lunged forward and grabbed Natasha before she could run away. Maria hated what she had to do next.
The brunette placed a firm hand at the base of Natasha’s neck and squeezed as she whispered a few words in Russian.
Natasha immediately became subdued and unresponsive. Maria put one hand around her shoulders and kept her other arm on Natasha’s bicep incase the redhead’s legs gave out and Maria needed to hold her up. The brunette walked Natasha three blocks down to where their car was parked.
Maria helped Natasha into the car and buckled her seatbelt before getting in herself.
Natasha still stared ahead blankly. Maria started the car and drove until she arrived at their apartment.
Once they were inside Maria sat Natasha down on the couch. She got the redhead’s favorite blanket and stuffed animal.
“Natasha- it’s- it’s 2011, your name is Natasha Romanoff, the Red Room is gone, I am your girlfriend Maria. You were having flashbacks in the middle of the street so I had to do the thing- I know it was bad but I couldn’t think of anything else- i’m sorry-“
Natasha stared blankly and Maria began the worry.
“Natasha please talk to me.”
The redhead didn’t even glance at her.
“Nat it’s Maria, it’s 2011. I’m Masha, Maria, your girlfriend. There is no more Red Room. You are safe. It’s 2011.”
Natasha grabbed the blanket and pushed it off her then took the stuffed animal and threw it across the room. Whether she was aiming or not she ended up hitting a picture frame of her and Maria taken on their one year anniversary.
The picture fell to the ground, the glass frame shattering. Maria flinched and stood from the couch.
Natasha turned onto her side, laying down on the couch. her arms wrapped around herself protectively and the she sobbed loudly. Her whole body shook as she tried to stop the tears.
Maria dug her nails into her palms, unsure what to do.
Natasha’s teeth began to chatter and Maria took it as her sign to try and comfort her girlfriend.
“Nat hey, hey.” Maria moved forward but the second Natasha laid eyes on the brunette Natasha flinched and quickly reached around to the back of her neck as if to cover it from Maria. She tucked her knees to her chest and tried to protect her head.
Maria watched in horror, her stomach dropped and it felt like she had been stabbed as Natasha flinched away from her. As Natasha cried in fear Maria back away, not that Natasha could tell.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Nat, I-“
Natasha cried louder at her voice and shook into the couch, her sobs deafening in Maria’s ears.
Maria backed away further until she was in the kitchen she could still hear Natasha’s sobs. Without any other choice Maria dialed Clint’s number.
“Hill? What’s wrong why are you crying? Is Nat okay?”
Maria didn’t realize she was sobbing violently until then.
“Is Nat hurt? Are you hurt?”
“I-“ Maria hiccuped and tried but she couldn’t get the words out.”
“Maria where are you?”
“Home?” Maria began gaging.
“Hill, Maria can you put Nat on the phone.”
“No- No”
“is Nat there?”
“Yes.”
“Are you or Nat physically hurt?”
“No.”
“Okay, Okay, I’m almost there Maria, Can you just try and breathe okay.”
“Not me- it’s not me-“
Clint bit his tongue in frustration, “Maria, you need to breathe.”
Maria shook her head even though she knew Clint couldn’t see her. She refused to breathe normally and cried so hard she ended up throwing up in the bin next to her. She continued to dry heave after.
“Maria come on, in for four, hold for four, out for four.” Clint continued to try and get her to breathe normally until he got to their apartment.
“Maria i’m at the door can you come open it.”
Maria scrambled past the couch and hysterical Natasha to open the door.
Clint took in Maria first, then Natasha, “Okay Maria. You need to breathe.”
Maria shook her head and was digging her nails deep into her palms.
Clint noticed and grabbed her hands, forcing her hands open, “Come on.” He set Maria at the kitchen table and got her a cup of water.
“I’m not moving until that cup is empty. Inhale for four, take a sip, exhale for four, hold for four.”
“But Nat-“
Clint narrowed his eyes on her. He knew Natasha wasn’t at risk for hurting herself right now and he also knew Natasha wouldn’t be able to given him any information. Maria was the high risk one.
“In for four.” Maria listen, “Take a sip.” Maria listened and swallowed hard, “Out for four.”
Clint talked her through it until Maria was completely done the glass. When she was done Maria wasn’t hyperventilating anymore, she still curled her nails into her palms. Clint quickly grabbed her hands again.
“Stop that, I need you to tell me what happened so we can go over there and help Nat.”
“We went out, bookstore started playing Bach.”
Clint winced.
“She freaked out, I pulled her out the store, she freaked out more started screaming and backing into the street. I grabbed her and squeezed the back of her neck, spoke in Russian. She froze and I took her home. Got her blanket, her cat. Told her were she was, the usual. She didn’t respond, threw everything. Scared of me, won’t let me near.”
Maria had begun digging her nails into her arms and scratching.
Clint grabbed her hands again.
“Okay, I need you to stop hurting yourself, that’s not helping you or Natasha. I’ll go see if I can talk to her but I don’t want to
come back and see that you kept scratching.”
Maria put her hands flat on the table, “Help her.”
Clint squeezed her shoulder and moved to the living room. Natasha was still shaking, also no longer hyperventilating.
“Hey Nat.” Natasha glanced at him briefly, then the wall, “Natasha, look at me.”
The redhead complied.
“Can you tell me where you are?”
Natasha shrugged her eyes blank.
“You’re home, this is your apartment.” Clint was now kneeling before her, “Can you tell me what you see here that is yours?”
Natasha pointed at the blanket she threw on the ground, then at her stuffed animal, then she pointed at the book on the coffee table, then at the stack of James Bond dvd’s, then at the boots by the door.
“Good job, can you tell me who else lives here?”
Natasha blinked twice, Her brow furrowed as she thought. She could find the name.
“Show me some stuff that’s your roommates.”
Natasha frowned, “Girlfriend.”
Clint made an ahah face, “Right, Can you show me some stuff that’s your girlfriends?”
Natasha pointed to Maria’s blanket, her jacket, her workout bag, the stack of crossword and sudoku puzzles, and then finally Natasha motioned to the sweatshirt she was wearing.
“Can give you a hug Nat?”
Natasha shook her head and Clint smiled, “That’s okay, Can you tell me what year it is?”
“2011.”
“Where is the Red Room?”
“Gone.”
“What’s your name?”
“Natasha Romanoff.”
“What’s did you do today?”
“Had a flashback, panic attack, an episode.”
“Did someone take care of you?”
“Masha.”
“Masha?”
Natasha nodded, “Masha helped, hurt but she helped. Clint helped too.”
Clint smiled, “Hell yeah. Will you be okay if I go grab you some water?”
“Yeah,” Natasha settled into the couch cushion again, “You bring Masha with you?”
Clint nodded, “Sure thing kid.”
Clint returned to where Maria was, he was glad to see Maria’s arms were clear of scratches and her hands were still in the same place on the counter. He filled a glass of water and turned to Maria, “She’s asking for you.”
Maria blinked, “but I- I hurt her, I scared her.”
Clint shook his head, “She told me you were who took care of her today, it’s true she doesn’t like being sedated like that but I don’t think she’ll hold a grudge, okay? Come on.
Maria followed Clint cautiously. Natasha’s eyes lit up when Maria walked in the room.
“Can you hold me? No neck.”
Maria nodded, She sat on the couch and nervously let Natasha wrap herself around her. Maria reciprocated the contact and held Natasha close, avoiding her neck by a mile.
“I’m so sorry Nat.”
Natasha wormed her way closer, “S’okay. I was just scared, didn’t know where I was for awhile, didn’t know what was real.”
“I’m sorry Baby.”
“I trust you Masha. I love you.”
Maria kissed her forehead, “I love you too.”