Little miracle
We dance once more, I feel your hands are cold
Within your heart, a story to be told
This is the moment of just letting go
(...)
Can you hear me say your name, forever?
Can you see me longing for you, forever, forever?
Would you let me touch your soul, forever?
Can you feel me longing for you, forever and ever?
Padfoot
He didn’t know much about how Regulus had died.
It had appeared on the front page of the Daily Prophet but still, the paper didn’t say much, just that he was dead. Sirius wondered sometimes if he had died in Grimmauld Place, if it was them who did it or someone else. He also wondered if he had ever tried to get out.
After their fallout, Regulus hadn’t given any sign of disagreeing with their parents’ tendencies. He seemed to comply without much of a fuss: he kept to himself, entertained companies his parents would approve of and, most importantly, wouldn’t give Sirius the time of day. He had tried, at first, searching for his eyes in the Great Hall and burning holes into his side profile as they passed each other in the hallway. But Regulus had been the perfect new Black heir and hadn’t given Sirius not even the slightest opening to find his way back into his brother’s life. There were so many questions that would be forever left unanswered. Had he gotten the mark? If he had, did he do so willingly or was he forced? Did he really think Sirius was a blood traitor? He probably thought he was just a traitor in general. Did his brother think about him at all during the war?
Sirius wasn’t able to think about anything else and his chest heaved with the knowledge that, during the war, he hadn’t spared his little brother a single thought. Everything else had seemed more pressing, more important; he had had so much to worry about between keeping his family safe, keeping himself safe, that he never stopped to think about Reggie’s safety. Because Regulus Black hadn’t been safe since the day he was born. There had been a time when Sirius understood that, so what happened? Why did he suddenly forget to keep him safe?
See, he couldn’t talk to James about that because he knew exactly what his response would have been. That it shouldn’t have been his responsibility to keep him safe, that it wasn’t his fault, that he needed to protect himself for once. But the fact that he hadn’t thought about his brother once during the war, not until he was already dead, was burning him from the inside. Because what if Regulus had thought about him? What if he thought that eventually Sirius would get him out? What if in his last moments he had thought about him saving him?
He felt like he was abandoning his little brother over and over again, like a broken vinyl left spinning that repeated the same awful noise again and again. Like every single memory of him that started to fade at the edges was another way for his head to tell him “You are letting him go, again, you’re not fighting hard enough”. And he was aware that he couldn’t do anything for Reggie anymore, it was too late.
Did it hurt?
“Ow! What was that for?” He must have gotten lost in his thoughts and forgot he was petting the cat. Apparently, Archie didn’t take lightly people not paying him the right amount of attention. “Alright, alright, sorry.” The cat flashed his teeth at him but stayed put as Sirius got back to his task. With their newfound closeness, Sirius had discovered that the cat had a nasty scar on his stomach. It was all healed up, but it looked like it hurt and judging by how raised and puffy it was, it must have been a deep cut. Archie got insufferable if someone made the mistake of touching it. Remus still had that scratch on his face from the last time that he refused to heal magically because he called it “bonding”.
The unmistakable sound of the jamming of keys into the door made Archie’s ears perk up and turn his wide eyes to the door. Both James and Remus entered the house, deep into an animate conversation about healing draughts. “Where’s my favourite?”
“Right here, Prongs.”
“I was talking about the prodigal cat.” Remus laughed as James strode to the sofa right to Archie who didn’t as much as move a muscle at the change in cuddle-perpetrator. The ungrateful little shit. “Look at him: he has clearly missed me. I should spend more time around here.” It was a little funny how Archie had managed to squeeze his way into every single one of them despite them all not finding his presence of much help at the beginning. Maybe his trick was leaving his stupid black fur everywhere: they had probably ended up snorting and eating a lot of it and it had altered something in their bodies.
“Talking about Sirius’ son, I talked with mister Niggs from the pet shop. Maybe we should get him to a vet.” Sirius hadn’t thought about it. He probably needed vaccines and maybe it was a good idea to get him checked out just in case.
James was still on the ground petting the cat carefully. “Do you want to neuter him?”
“Neuter?”
“Yeah. Mum was telling me about it, actually. To make sure he doesn’t go around looking for ladies.”
“You mean…”
“Snip-snip.” James faked scissors with his free hand and Archie hissed and scratched his hand, almost as if understanding the topic of conversation. “Hey!”
“I think the fuck not! I’m not depriving my baby of his virility!” Sirius exclaimed pleased with the cat’s way of showing James who was in charge. “But I agree with you, Moony. We should take him to a vet. Judging by that scar, he might be injured elsewhere. I almost feel guilty I haven’t thought about it sooner.”
Sirius had never had a pet: the closest he had come to that was having James standing in the middle of their dorm at Hogwarts as Prongs. Mother disliked her own children, so it was no wonder she hated the idea of animals in the house. He remembers one afternoon when he and Reggie were still allowed to see uncle Alphard and he took them to the park. Regulus had found a toad. It was disgusting really, all slimy and crinkly, but his brother didn’t seem bothered by it as he carried it around with them through the whole park. Sirius had made fun of him and Regulus had threatened to touch his hair with his slimy fingers. They couldn’t have been older than six years old. He also remembered how heartbroken he had been when, eventually, they had to leave the park. He remembered telling him that Mother would have killed it. Sirius wanted to bat his own head when he noticed that he didn’t remember how Regulus had named the toad.
That’s to say, Sirius had never seen a muggle vet in his very much pureblood life.
He had considered going alone but decided that having someone with him that was barely competent in muggle doctors was for the best and brought Remus. They found himself in a pristine-looking waiting room, so white it was giving him a headache. He had tried to convince Remus to sit, but it was to no avail: he still refused to acknowledge he was hurting. Sirius didn’t know what they should have expected since the boy had been doing that since he was eleven years old, if not before that.
They were also forced to stuff Archie into some sort of pet-specific bag. Sirius wanted to bring him free or with a leash, but it quickly became clear that the cat despised the idea of a vet. Remus and mister Niggs had assured him that almost every cat despised the vet, so it wasn’t unheard, but it still made him pout. Archie was screaming so much he was starting to believe a cat could make his ears bleed.
Sirius nudged at his wet nose with the mesh in between them and the cat hissed. “So, you reckon he has ever been to a vet?”
“Doesn’t look like it.” Remus was very clearly holding back from pinching his nose close with his fingers and was being very careful to only breath with his mouth. Sirius didn’t mind the smell in the clinic, but he could imagine Moony didn’t feel the same.
“Maybe we should give him a microchip. Just so he doesn’t get lost.”
“I thought he was meant to be an indoor cat?” Sirius scratched guiltily the back of his head and Remus sighed. “Sirius.”
“I know, I know. Your speech was very convincing, and I agree with you, as always. He doesn’t, though.”
“What do you mean he-”
“He just jumped through the bathroom window the other day. I swear I meant to tell you-”
“You sure did-”
“-but then we had your first appointment with the medi-witch and it went so well and now we’re here so…”
“Lupin?” The chirping voice of what he supposed was the vet called them from the door just as Archie let out a strained wail. Sirius admitted he felt a little guilty towards the cat. They followed the short woman through an aseptic corridor full of different doors that kind of stressed him out. It looked a little like the child wing of St. Mungo: it tried to be comforting with decals on the walls but really it felt cold. Perhaps it was the smell. Sirius finally looked the woman in the eyes only when the door to the exam room was closed. She was comforting, with her pink glasses and warm smile, but Archie didn’t seem of the same idea as he pushed himself as far back in the bag as he could. “Who have we got here today?” She leaned down to peek at the cat.
“His name is Archie. He was a stray.”
“Let’s get you out then, shall we?” As soon as she opened the mesh window to take out the cat, Archie started to screech so loud Remus had to subtly cover his ears. “Feisty, I see.”
“More like a little piece of shit.” Sirius muttered under his breath. It took one look from Remus to make him sigh and help the lady get the cat out.
It turned out Archie didn’t much like the idea of a vet and had decided to make it his own personal mission to make it as difficult as possible for them. He had bolted on the woman as if she was trying to kill him and scratched her whole arm before jumping on the ground and starting to run laps around the whole room, knocking everything that wasn’t secured to the ground. It took all three of them to catch him and by that point the vet had decided that it was for the best to just sedate him. Sirius was reluctant but if they really wanted to have him checked there didn’t seem to be a better option. Once Archie was drugged and looking at them as if saying “just you wait till I’m up again”, she could finally weight him and have a look at the scar on his stomach.
“He’s quite skinny, is he eating normally?” Sirius thought back to the coconut biscuits and potato salad. Even with his limited experience he could tell it wasn’t probably the best diet.
“You could say that, yeah.”
“It must be high metabolism then, we’ll keep him in check for a while, see if there are any underlying conditions. As for the scar, I’m surprised a cat would survive a hit like that: judging by its position, it should have caused a lot of damage, but everything seems fine.”
“He came already healed, maybe someone helped him or something.” The vet nodded slowly as she looked at his ears. The cat was unnaturally still and it made Sirius quite nervous. Then she quickly glanced at his teeth making a face.
“Is that… coconut?” Sirius laughed tightly.
“I’m telling you, Prongs: he is our miracle baby.” When they got home, they had a total of ten minutes before James came tumbling out of the fireplace. Sirius knew he was coddling the cat but he couldn’t help it: Archie looked so cute trying to recover from the sedative. He looked like James after a single shot glass of Fire Whiskey. They were on the sofa crowding the animal when Remus decided to go take a shower.
“Is Remus doing all right?”
“He seems better, but I feel like there is room for improvement.” James nodded but didn’t say anything. They had been trying to find ways for Remus to get more help, but the full moon was inching closer and it had been a while since the last one they had spent together. “Do you think Effie could help?”
“Maybe. She has been pleading me to bring both of you to the Manor for ages.”
“I think he misses her too, but-”
“I know. She does as well.” Remus had been touchy about everyone in the Order since he came back. Sirius wasn’t sure why he refused to come with them to the rare meetings that were still held, but he could imagine. He was clearly angry with Moody, maybe even Dumbledore, but everyone else he had no idea.
If Sirius had to be completely honest, the strange dynamic between them wasn’t really new. The truth is that they had never returned to how they were before the prank. Godric knows Sirius had tried and they had made so much progress. But some things would probably never click back together the way the used to: he missed the time when they would tell each other everything and the distance between them made him feel like he was constantly on his tippy toes, trying not to tumble over the edge. Sirius hated that they couldn’t talk about serious stuff like they used to.
Sirius and James were best friends in the sense that they were always together and matched energies most of the time. But Remus was a quieter best friend: the one he crawled on the roof with to trade secrets because he didn’t want to tell James about his family. Remus might have been subtler in his bond with them, but that didn’t make him any less of a best friend to them.
“We’ll leave for the moon, take Moony somewhere fancy that he can explore. Somewhere where the next morning Remus can relax and recover without pressure.”
“You’re right. Maybe after a moon together like we used to, we will feel a little more like ourselves.” Sirius didn’t voice then how worried he truly felt about Moony’s reaction to Wormtail’s absence. Who could have predicted how the wolf would react to part of his pack missing.
Sirius loved Remus’ wolf almost as much as he loved Remus, but he was unpredictable. He still remembered that time when Progs was still hung up on Lily and came to the shack smelling like her. The wolf had been so restless that night and each of them came back to their bed that morning with a new scar. He didn’t even want to think about the only time Sirius had managed to get detention on a full moon. On top of all his nerves, laid the fact that had been a year since the last moon they spent all together.
Remus didn’t speak about his time away and Sirius would never ask directly. But he probably had to make do. Maybe he even enjoyed himself being amongst other wolves for once. Perhaps he preferred it and that was why Remus had been so doubtful about the moon.
But Remus wouldn’t have to spend a single moon away from his family anymore. Sirius would make sure of that.