Stay High
Hermione could hear the thumping of the bass all the way from the club parking lot, some Muggle song that she couldn’t name. Anticipation surged through her veins as she locked her car, it was almost time to see him again, it had been almost a week and Hermione’s hands were shaking with excitement, or maybe It was the withdrawals, it didn’t matter. Ducking down to check her makeup one final time in her passenger side mirror, Hermione made her way through the parking lot to the front doors of the club. She walked past the line that curved around the block corner and walked straight up the bouncer, who recognized her instantly.
“Welcome back Miss Granger”, he greeted, reaching out for her hand, which she promptly placed her own in, allowing him to stamp her hand with the ink she had grown so accustomed to. “Berkeley” she acknowledged with a small nod of her head, glancing down at the stamp on her hand that read ‘The Playpen’. She stepped past the bouncer into the club, letting the rhythm of the music wash over her skin.
She was almost home. She pushed past the bodies writhing on the dance floor and made her way to the VIP section where she knew T would be. Just like with the bouncer outside, she walked straight up to the bouncers guarding the VIP section, she wasn’t worried, everyone at the club knew her, and just as she knew they would, they took one look at her face and unhooked the velvet rope that fenced off the VIP section. It only took her a second to find the mop of chestnut brown hair that she was searching for. She skipped over and plopped herself down on the leather couch next to him.
“Good evening, Theo” she chirped, her voice brimming with excitement.
The man with the messy brown hair looked at her with an edge of frustration, “You know you’re not supposed to call me that here” he lectured. “People here know me as T”.
Hermione rolled her eyes, “Theodore Nott, have you forgotten that you’re a wizard? If anyone here learns your identity, you can simply obliviate them”.
Theo looked around them warily to see if anyone was listening in. “I try to keep the magic to a minimum here, too much and the ministry will pick up on it and come snooping, and if you’ve somehow forgotten, my side business isn’t exactly ministry approved” he said with a pointed look.
“Speaking of your side business…” Hermione trailed off, giving him a hopeful look with what she hoped was her best pair of convincing doe eyes.
Theo sighed, suddenly looking older than the 24-year-old that was sitting in front of her. “Every time you leave this club, I hope it’s the last time I’ll ever see you” he said solemnly.
“You don’t mean that Theo, you love me too much” Hermione joked, softly punching his arm in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“It’s because I love you, that I mean it. Seriously Hermione, one day you need to leave this club and never look back. You’re never going to find what you’re looking for here, you’re never going to find him, not really”.
Hermione had been stunned into silence, her honey eyes locking with Theo’s ice blue ones. She knew he was right, Theo was always right, but she couldn’t walk out that door if she tried. Not until she saw him. Hermione had been coming to this club every single Friday night for years, ever since the accident. These nights were the only thing keeping her sane, if you could even call whatever she was sane, and she wasn’t about to just walk away from it. Not from him.
“Don’t do this to me tonight” she pleaded with Theo, her eyes never leaving his.
“This is not the answer Granger, one of these days you’re going to take it too far….”
“I won’t” Hermione quipped shrilly, unsure of whether she was trying to convince Theo, or herself. “Just cut it out Theo, you truly are the worst drug dealer”.
Theo sighed in defeat, “Okay Granger, up or down?” he asked while procuring two pills from his inner jacket pocket, one pill was white, and the other was black. Hermione looked at the pills thoughtfully before snatching them both up and swallowing them before Theo could interject.
“Both” she said with her best ‘forgive me’ smile.
Theo shook his head with disbelief at her, “You're out of control”.
Hermione scooted closer to him on the couch until their thighs were touching. “Join me Theo” she pleaded softly.
“No” he responded sternly, staring at the spot where their thighs were resting against each other.
Hermione knew Theo was in love with her, she had known for a long time, which made her feel all that much worse when she utilized it to her advantage. She loved Theo too, just not the way he needed her to. She knew the right thing to do would be to release him, squash his hope that she would ever love him back the way he loved her, but she just couldn’t. Theo played a very important role in this precarious house of cards that she had built for herself, if she lost him, the whole thing would come tumbling down. Theo had many uses. There was the practical use: he was connected and always had some fun pills or powder that she needed to feel him. And then there was the emotional reason: it felt good not to be alone all the time. Hermione knew she was a terrible person, she knew every time she fell into bed with Theo and kicked him out the next morning she was killing him a little more one night at a time. And then, the biggest reason of them all, his eyes. He had the same eyes as him. Those ice blue, almost grey pools of molten silver that saw right through her. It felt like both a gift and a curse that they shared the same eyes.
Hermione pressed closer to Theo and placed her hand on his thigh, she didn’t want to be alone tonight, she needed someone to numb the pain.
“Stop” he commanded, but the resolve in his voice was slipping.
Hermione knew she would win, she always did. She pivoted her hip over and straddled his lap in between her thighs, their faces close enough that she could feel his breath ghosting across her cheeks. He was looking at her mouth, and she could feel him subconsciously drop his hands to her hips. She had him.
Hermione reached into his inner jacket pocket and fished around for another pill, finding one, she pulled it out and held it up between their faces. Theo looked away from her mouth and focused on the pill, and then her eyes.
“Fly with me” she breathed.
She could see his Adams apple bobbing, and he nodded without saying a word. She thanked him with a Cheshire cat grin, Theo was right, she was out of control, but she couldn’t find it in her to care.
Hermione placed the pill in between her teeth and brought her mouth to his, enveloping his familiar lips in her own and passing the pill to him in an open mouth kiss. She felt him swallow the pill, but he tangled his hands in her hair and pulled her face harder onto his and deepened the kiss. Hermione felt guilt creeping in but knew that in a few minutes the pills would kick in and she would be too high to feel guilt, or really anything at all.
Hermione broke the kiss and stood up, pulling on Theo’s hand to stand with her. “Dance with me Theo” she demanded with a giggle. Theo groaned, she knew he hated dancing, but he always danced with her to make her happy. She dragged him out of the VIP section and onto the dance floor, where they weaved through bodies until they lost themselves in the sea of people. Hermione wrapped her arms round Theo’s broad shoulders and closed her eyes, she could feel the tingling sensation of the drugs kicking in, and she smiled so hard her cheeks hurt. It was almost time.
She began to sway to the music, and she felt Theo running his hands up and down her sides. She kept her eyes closed, if she kept her eyes closed, she could pretend it was him. She was beginning to sweat a little, and the familiar rush of euphoria that she had been craving was washing over her like a wave. The bass was so loud she could feel it throughout her body, and every note felt like a caress against her skin. Woah. Whatever Theo had given her was fantastic, she felt great.
Suddenly she knew he was here, there was an electric buzz in the air that wasn’t there before, and she could smell his cologne, green apple and mahogany. Hermione gasped with relief, just as she always did when she felt him around. Hermione opened her eyes and the room shifted into view; she was definitely high. Everything was blurry, but she could swear she saw a flash on platinum blonde hair.
“Draco..” she called out, reaching forward, but instead of Draco, it was Theo’s face that swam into view. His gaze looked fractured with hurt, but his pupils were massive, she could tell he was high too.
“I’m sorry” she apologized, wrapped her arms around his neck and burying her face into his chest.
“I know baby” he cooed, wrapping his arms around her, and drawing her in. He was used to this. He held her and swayed with her, rubbing circles into her back. In another lifetime they could have been good together.
Hermione looked up at from his chest. “Do you miss him?” she asked.
Theo’s jaw twitched and he stared straight ahead for a moment. “Everyday”.
Hermione nodded, they had been best mates, Theo was probably struggling with his own guilt about this bizarre arrangement they had. Hermione saw a flash of blonde hair in her peripheral, and she knew it was time.
“I need to go talk to him Theo” she started.
“I know” he said, still looking straight ahead.
“Wait for me?” she asked him.
“I always do” Theo responded, sounding slightly broken.
Shame flooded Hermione’s veins, but not enough to stop her. She extracted herself from Theo’s arms and made her way back to the VIP section, she snatched a bottle of whiskey from the table and let herself out onto the empty VIP balcony. Her heels clicked against the concrete as she walked out into the chilly October air, her breath making clouds that trailed behind her. She took a swig from the bottle and sat onto one of the benches. She was so high.
Hermione closed her eyes, “you can come out now” she called out loud.
She heard his oxfords on the concrete, and when she opened her eyes, there he was standing right in front of her, looking exactly as she remembered him, not having aged a day. For the first time in a week, she could breathe again, and she found herself gasping for air. He was looking at her with those eyes and suddenly she felt okay again.
“You’re wasted” he stated.
“Your dead” she responded, her voice cracking.
“And you’re not” he threw back.
“Aren’t I?” she challenged.
His mouth snapped shut, and his face softened. “Please Hermione, we do this every week. You need to take care of yourself.”
“But this Is the only way I can see you” she said, tears now freely falling down her cheeks.
He stared at her in anguish, at a loss for words. “If seeing me requires killing yourself, then it’s not worth it, you need to move on”.
“I can’t” she sobbed.
Draco’s face crumpled, and he enveloped her in his arms, and she swore she could actually feel him touching her. She would have to tell Theo to get whatever pill he had given her again.
“You left me all alone” she whispered into his chest.
“I’m sorry” he rasped.
“How do I do this Draco? How do I wake up every day without you?” she pleaded, feeling herself becoming hysterical. “I don’t know how to fucking do this”.
Suddenly a door farther down the balcony burst open and a couple walked out ripping at each other’s clothes, and when Hermione went to look back at Draco, he was gone. He had disappeared into the night like a.. well.. like a ghost.
Hermione wasn’t crazy, she knew he wasn’t real, she knew he wasn’t even really a ghost. He was just a memory, a memory that came alive when she was fucked up. She didn’t care that she was becoming a full blown drug addict, she didn’t care that she was using good hearted man who loved her. She felt like a woman drowning, and the only time she was able to come up for air was when he visited her. So, if that meant throwing her life away, or hurting people whom she loved, she would do it.
Hermione wiped the mascara from under her eyes and squared her shoulders before making her way back into the club. She stopped before the door and took another swig from the bottle first. When she walked back inside, Theo was sitting in VIP again. She went and sat next to him, feeling empty even with the drugs still circulating in her veins.
Theo took in her smudged mascara pink lips, his face a mixture of grief and longing.
“Did you find him?” he asked tentatively.
Hermione turned her head; she didn’t want to talk about it. “Take me home with you Theo?” she asked, meeting his steely eyes.
He nodded slowly and pulled her off the couch with him, and she allowed him to lead her out of the club behind him. She already knew what would happen. They would go to his place, share a drink, share a line, and then fall into bed, where they would have sex while she closed her eyes and imagined it was Draco. Then they would lie there, and he would hold her and whisper about how he would always be there for her, and she would feel the warmth of his skin against her back and do her best to tune out his words, knowing that in just a few hours, she would hurt him all over again. It was a vicious cycle, but it was the only thing that made her feel anything.
Then she would fall asleep, and her dreams would be filled with Draco, smiling, happy, alive. She always woke up in tears. And as traumatic as it always was, she always showed up at the club on Friday evening like clockwork.
You’re gone, and I gotta stay high all the time.