Chapter 9
NOW
The day comes even though none of them asked for it to. Time passes without their permission. Days bleed together and everything keeps moving. Even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t be able to stop it. Granted, he could have suggested pushing the funeral a few more days, but today would still be today. Easier to just do it all in one right?
It had been Hope’s idea. At least she was the one who asked him if it would be alright. Having the funeral on Remus’ birthday, that is. It makes sense in theory. Having two incredibly hard days morphed into one. That way they won’t have to go through the grieving and sadness twice. Though Sirius will always be sad now without him. But this way seems to be logical to everyone else, so he said he was fine with it.
That is until it’s now March 10th and also the day of the funeral and he wakes up not quite remembering how to breathe.
Luckily, or more so expectedly, no one has let him spend a night alone. It’s a burden on everyone else but he doesn’t have the energy to fight them on it. He just lets them take care of him even if they also should be taking care of themselves. There’s not much he could do and he certainly isn’t able to just pretend he is alright. Because he isn’t.
Last night Lily was the one to stay once everyone else was off to their own homes. Most often it is James who stays, but even he needs time to himself that isn’t watching over Sirius. He hasn’t complained even for a second, but he knows that it can be a lot. Especially between having to comfort him and make sure he is still taking care of himself and trying to get him to eat. Or even just the fact that he can barely manage to talk most of the time.
He’s not sure if Lily offered to stay last night for his sake or hers. Because, as he reminds himself as much as he can, she lost Remus too. She’s grieving too. And he doesn’t have a monopoly on missing him. Either way, having Lily to wake up next to this morning does make it just a bit easier. He can’t breathe quite right, but at least he didn’t have another dream last night where he thought Remus was still here. He didn’t dream at all, which is the best case scenario at this point. Waking up was still like a gut punch because he immediately remembered what day it is and no part of him is ready for this.
Lily was either already awake or his ragged breathing woke her, but she’s right there with him. She isn’t as much of a wreck and part of him envies her ability to keep it together. He crawls closer to her and curls up under one of her arms. Neither of them say anything for a while, knowing that just being here like this is enough. And because the things that need to be said, aren’t welcome right now. They both just want a minute of peace before everything crashes around them again. She runs her fingers through his hair and though no tears come, he buries his head against her just to hide from the world.
It’s still early enough in the morning that there is no rush to get up or move at all. He feels a slight tightness in his chest when he thinks about the fact that not far from here Hope is likely rushing around making sure everything is arranged for the funeral. It’s not fair to her that she will have to bury her son. It’s not fair to anyone that he’s gone. But Sirius can’t change that, no one can. Though he does wish he could be of more help. He just isn’t exactly sure how to navigate things with Hope, he’s never been good with mothers.
She isn’t closed off to him, despite having only met him a little more than a week ago and having not even known of him before that. But she also is busying herself so much that she hasn’t taken the time to get to know him. It would probably be quite hard for both of them anyway. Sirius hopes that one day they will be able to close the gap and remember Remus together. Maybe she would even share stories of him as a child just so that he doesn’t have to be done learning about him. In five months there wasn’t enough time for him to soak in all of him. It just wasn’t enough time.
“Ready to get up?” Lily asks after they have been laying in silence for probably an hour.
No. He never will be. “Yeah, alright.”
They are slow moving, both of them. Lily goes to the kitchen to make them some tea while he heads to the bathroom. This mirror doesn’t have any hidden notes on it for him to find, so that should make it easier. Except he knows he looks like a wreck and his reflection isn’t pretty. Absently he thinks that if Remus saw him like this he never would have given him a chance. That doesn’t quite motivate him to put any real effort into it. Though he does brush his teeth and rakes his fingers through his hair before pulling it back and tying it up. He’ll deal with his appearance later before the funeral, but right now he can’t.
When he emerges Lily is sitting on the sofa with her mug, which is actually one of Remus’ cupped in her hands, and a second one on the table waiting. He makes his way over on unsteady feet and feels relief when he sits down. Standing or walking at all isn’t exactly difficult because there isn’t a physical reason that he can’t. But it takes nearly all of the energy he has to keep himself up. Sirius has been quite short on energy as you can imagine, and his friends are the only reason he is still even partly functioning. He probably would have withered away if left to his own devices.
“What do you need from me today?” Her voice is soft.
Sirius looks up from his tea, which he has yet to take a sip of, and his face contorts. “You don’t need to do anything for me. You should just take care of yourself.”
It’s the first time he’s really said that aloud. Normally he doesn’t. He knows that he would struggle without everyone’s help but he doesn’t want to be a burden either. If he lets them keep doing this and they don’t get the chance to grieve, won’t it just be worse for them later on? That would make him feel awful. He just wants everyone to be okay and while they’re all worrying over him, he knows they won’t be.
“I am taking care of myself. And we can and will help each other, so what can I do to make today easier for you?” She insists, and he won’t fight it.
“Would- would you stand with me when I talk at the f-,” the word tastes awful on his tongue, but he gets through it. “funeral?”
“Of course. I don’t think he would forgive me if I didn’t keep an eye on you, you know.”
He knows that’s true. Even after such a short time with Remus. Taking care of the people he loved was always a priority. It may have only ever been shown as him doing small things for them or checking in, but if they had more time, it would have been even more evident. If he cared that much about how everyone else in his life was doing, his friends surely are the same way. Sirius doesn’t think that it was ever explicitly discussed that Lily would be there for him if anything ever happened to Remus, but that's how she understood it. It isn’t her job, but he appreciates that someone is still looking after him in the same way that he would have.
When he is stronger, if he gets to a better place, he is determined to be that shoulder for her to lean on too. It’s the least he can do now that her best friend is gone. He just is not there yet. Everything is still too fresh and his chest hurts when he thinks about Remus. He’s barely taking care of himself. So even if he wanted to, which he does, Sirius just can’t look after anyone else.
They let the morning pass by since they don’t have to be anywhere until the middle of the afternoon. Sirius drinks his tea, but only finishes about half of it before it goes cold. Normally by now, other people would have shown up to his flat. He is half certain that they have a running schedule of who’s turn it is to stay with him. It only bothers him a little bit, he knows he is a lot to deal with. No one would listen if he protested anyway, so he doesn’t waste his energy.
It's not like he has other things he should be doing right now, but doing absolutely nothing just waiting until it is time to get ready and go, feels odd. He almost wants to just get it over with. But then again, once the funeral is over then it’s all that much more real, isn’t it? He could pretend that Remus is just out right now. But after the funeral it’s official. There is no question of where he is or the fact that he is never coming back. He doesn’t pretend though, that would only make it worse.
On top of not pretending, Sirius also doesn’t cry. He has cried, and he is sure to cry again, but for the most part his eyes remain dry. Though he isn’t sure how he manages it. Every thought that crosses his mind makes him want to curl up and sob. He stops it somehow. Sometimes it feels like if he were to start crying he would never stop. So he does what he can to not let the flow of tears start. Which in the end just makes him feel numb.
The only feeling that is constant is the tightness in his chest. Nothing feels real, and he could convince himself it was all fake. That is if his chest didn’t hurt. If he cried, maybe it would alleviate the pain, but he won’t. He just has to make it through today. And today is about Remus, who wouldn’t want to see him cry.
“I think I’m going to start getting ready now.” He says softly and gets up from the sofa.
Lily looks up at him confused. “We don’t have to leave for a few hours, are you sure?”
He just nods and drags his feet as he walks into the bedroom. His suit has been hanging front and center in the closet since his stuff was moved back in. James is probably responsible for that, knowing that he wouldn’t want to have to dig for it when today came. It’s more formal than he typically dresses. It’s a neat all black suit with a black shirt to match. There is never much reason for him to wear it, he can’t remember the last time he did. At least it isn’t wrinkled, one less thing he needs to deal with.
As he slips the suit on, he feels less and less like himself. Remus never saw him in this suit. That’s weird, right? Should he wear something that Remus has seen and liked? But he doesn’t have anything that would be appropriate enough for a funeral other than this. So he keeps it on, and just stares at himself in the mirror for a long while.
His mind can’t figure out what Remus would say about the outfit. Perhaps he would come up behind him and slip his arms around his waist and press a kiss to his temple. And tell him how gorgeous he looks. He would pull Sirius’ hair to the side and kiss his neck before spinning him around and pulling their bodies closer together. Sirius finds himself closing his eyes and picturing all of this happening and a soft smile even begins to tug at his lips, but it’s not real. It’s not even a memory, it’s just a fake scenario that will never happen. Can never happen.
So he flicks his eyes back open, and they lock in the mirror. The person looking back at him is a shell of himself, and yet he still recognizes him. Is this who he is now? Is he already getting used to this version of himself? He doesn't have a choice, but he never wanted this. He never wanted to become a version of himself that Remus didn’t know. But unfortunately he doesn’t quite get a choice in that matter. He is going to change, he already has, but his life will continue on and Remus won’t be here for it. Whatever version of himself that he becomes, will always be one that Remus doesn’t know. It’s just how things are bound to be and he can’t change that. No matter how hard he tries. No matter how much he wants to stay the same.
He can’t do anything about it, so he blinks a few times and forgets it all. Everyday all he does is think about Remus. But he knows it would be better if he thought of the good memories instead of the moments they never got to have. It would hurt less, at least he thinks so.
If all of this had never happened, today would be a celebration. It would be the first time all of their friends and they were back together after the wedding. And Sirius would spend the entire day showering Remus with love and presents and anything he wanted. He would have pushed to have a more low key day for his birthday, which even if Sirius wanted to go all out, he would abide by. The day would still be all about him regardless.
Today is still all about him. And he thinks that Remus would like for it to be more lighthearted, though Sirius is not sure if he can manage that. In their time together, they never got to celebrate Remus’ birthday. How is that fair? The first birthday he is here for, isn’t even that. He isn’t getting any older and he never will. Forever the same age he was when they met. There’s something poetic about that, he thinks, but he doesn’t care about that right now.
In the mirror his hair is a mess. Maybe he should have showered and then it would have been easier to deal with. But he is already dressed, so it will have to work itself out. He finds a brush laying around and slowly starts to untangle the knots that are present. After maybe ten minutes, he looks better. At least enough that it’s acceptable. Enough that no one will comment on it.
Lily starts to get ready too. She only takes a short amount of time to slip into a mid length black dress. It’s one with only small straps, and it’s still quite cold outside. At least it was the last time he left the flat, which couldn’t have been too long ago. He knows that she will get cold if she doesn’t put something on over it.
“We can go whenever you’re ready, I talked to Hope. She’ll be happy to have us early.” She stops in the doorway.
“Do you have a coat?” When she shakes her head, he crosses the room back to his closet. “Here.”
Her eyes go a bit wide when he hands her the jumper, but she tries to hide that. It is one of Remus’ but he knows that he wouldn’t mind if she wore it today. It will make her feel better, at least he hopes it will. She shrugs it on and is practically swimming in it, but her face lightens. He hadn’t thought about wearing anything that belonged to Remus today, just because he knew he should look his best. But having Lily wear something of his will be nice. Especially when she is standing there with him while he speaks.
The only thing Sirius is wearing that is almost Remus’ is his ring. It’s still the one that they had intended to replace with much nicer ones. That doesn’t matter though. It’s still a symbol of their marriage and in a way he thinks it keeps him grounded. And he desperately needs something to cling to that will help him in that way.
They leave and Lily drives them over to the graveyard. He didn’t have much of a hand in planning any of this, but Hope agreed to bury him here rather than back home in Wales. That was all he wanted from today, so that he doesn’t have to let him go too far. She had been the one to decide to do the memorial and burial all together in one place. It’s easier than doing a whole service and having to come here after.
This isn’t the first funeral he has been to, but he was barely a teenager when his uncle died and this is much different. There are people from the funeral home helping to set everything up and to his surprise there isn’t anything for him to do. He takes a seat in one of the front rows of chairs that are already set up and Hope joins him not long after. She doesn’t say anything, but she reaches a hand out, places it on top of his and squeezes.
“I’m sorry,” He starts, though he isn’t sure why those are the words he chooses.
Hope turns to him and smiles, despite the glassiness of her eyes. “Oh dear… You have nothing to apologize for. It was the universe that took him from us.”
“I could have helped you more this past week.”
“Don’t worry about that. We can all grieve in our own ways on our own time. For me, I couldn’t sit still. I was a bit scared to.” She admits.
They stay there for a while, until more people begin to arrive. That’s when Hope goes back into the mode she had been in all week, moving and talking and arranging. He stays there. Soon the service will start and he knows he was the one to agree to giving a eulogy, but he isn’t ready. He didn’t prepare anything, which is not the smartest. But he couldn’t sit and write out a goodbye to Remus or about all of the best parts of him, because that would make him confront the inevitable.
James joins him where Hope was sitting before. Followed by Dorcas who sits three down from him, leaving a spot for Lily and Hope. Slowly more and more people begin to file in. More people than he thought would be here. He isn’t paying too close attention, mostly just staring ahead at the hole in the ground. He would much rather jump in there and be buried with Remus than continue to live on without him, he thinks. Sirius wouldn’t dare say it out loud, but it is the truth.
There are a lot of people who he does not recognize. But then again, he only knew Remus for a few months. There are years and entire stages of his life that he never got to know about and people that were never mentioned. But Remus was still important enough to those people to show up here today. No one comes up to him, or if they try to they are stopped by the circle of friends around him.
When Mary and Pandora arrive, they take seats behind him, the front row is already full. They each warmly squeeze his shoulder to let him know they are there. It’s all that they can do. Once they are seated, Hope and Lily return as well. The front row now entirely filled. He thinks that Hope leans over to let him know that they’ll be starting soon, but he can’t be too sure. Since all of the people began arriving, he mostly tuned everything out. Not wanting to hear condolences or greetings from anyone.
Just before the casket is carried to the front, Regulus slips into the second row. This catches his attention and he actually looks up at his brother. He’s poised and stoic, but when their eyes meet there is a distinct warmth that only Sirius knows. If there weren’t a row of chairs between them, and a large audience, he might have fallen into his arms because it's the only place he knows now that feels like home.
“They’re asking you to go up now,” Regulus whispers.
That resets him in a way. He has to go up and look at all of these people that knew Remus and then talk about him. He doesn’t quite jump up, but he moves quicker than he has in the last week. The faster he gets up there, won’t really make it be over quicker. Because all of this is never going to truly end.
The funeral will end, Remus will be buried, all of these people will go home and carry on with their lives, but Sirius won’t. He’s always going to be right here, and right on the street corner where the accident happened, and on the bench where they first met. This never ends for him. No matter what he does, all of this will be a constant. Remus is always going to be gone.
He takes a deep breath and walks up to face the crowd. Once there he lets himself exhale, though he doesn’t feel relaxed or ready. By his side his hand searches for something to hold onto, something to tether himself to what is happening around him. And there is Lily, just as she said she would be. Her hand is partially balled into the sleeve of the jumper, Remus’ jumper, and it’s a familiar feeling. This is what calms him and allows him to start speaking. Though he doesn’t truly look out to the people, he just focuses his eyes straight ahead to keep from looking at the casket.
“I’m not sure how many of you know me, but my name is Sirius.” He starts and thinks that he’s doing okay so far. “I met Remus in September and knew instantly that he was the love of my life. Still is.” He corrects the tense, because no matter what he loves Remus.
The late afternoon sun starts to glare into his eyes and he has to squeeze them shut for a minute. People may think he’s crying, but he isn’t. He doesn’t plan on crying during this because he wants everyone to hear the words he will say. Despite not knowing what any of them will be yet.
“We got married just a few weeks ago. It’s alright if you didn’t know any of this was happening in his life, Hope apparently didn’t either. It was really special. Not just our wedding, our entire love. Every moment we had together is one that I will cherish. And to those of you who knew him for much longer than me, I am eternally envious of the amount of time you got to spend with him in your life.” Lily grips onto his tighter, sensing by his wavering voice that he needs it.
Things are going well. He is making everything up on the spot, but barely stumbling over his words at all. That is until he looks over at the casket, which is when things go south.
“He was- is. He is the best person I know. I love him with every fibre of my being. If I could just hold him for a minute more-”
Before he can stop it there are tears welling up in his eyes. Right next to him is Remus. He’s right in there, beneath the lid of the casket, and he isn’t coming out. There is nothing he can do to get him out of there. Sirius can’t take it. He stops trying to hold the tears back and at this point is leaning much of his weight on Lily. When he starts to crumble, a few other sets of arms come out of nowhere to hold him up. He wants to finish what he was saying, he had more to say. But he is a wreck and it seems the weight of the world has come crashing down on him. It’s not even an open casket and yet the sight of it is his ruin.
He figures out it is James and Regulus who catch him. They help him come back to his seat while Lily remains up front. Through his teary eyes he can see her balling her fists in the jumper and wiping at her own eyes. But she is strong and continues on doing what he couldn’t. He feels defeated, though even if he had all the energy in the world he wouldn’t have gotten through this unscathed.
“Remus was special, and he is always going to be. He could so easily bring people together and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. It’s going to be very different, but I’ll carry his memory with me every single day. Especially today, his birthday.” Lily continues with such poise, before shifting her attention away from the people to Remus.
She’s quieter now but being in the front row he is still able to hear her. “Re- I love you, you’re my best friend. I hate you for dying before me, I don’t know how to do this without you. I’m trying, yeah? And don’t worry, I’m looking out for Sirius. We’ll be okay. We’ll see you soon.”
When she finishes talking, she comes back to her seat. Hope doesn’t go up to say anything, but she places a hand on the casket and whispers something that isn’t audible to him. He wants to get up and do the same thing, but he can’t. It’s too real.
The rest of the ceremony goes very quickly in his mind. He’s rushing it along he thinks. When the casket is being lowered into the ground he has to look away. Otherwise he might jump in after it, or throw up what little food he has consumed. Even if he will regret it later, he doesn’t watch or say a final goodbye. He just can’t. Once someone announces where the small reception is, he knows that it’s over and it is safe for him to lift his head from his hands.
He has to go even if he doesn’t want to. People will want to talk to him and he won’t be able to say anything in return. So he just stays in his seat while the rows behind him empty. All of his friends and Hope stay with him. No one pushes him to do anything he can’t do and they’re all content to just sit here. That’s what they do. None of them go to the room in the funeral home where there are refreshments set up. Eventually they will go home, or more likely all back to Sirius’ flat and spend the rest of the night there. But until then here is fine.
“Sirius dear, can we talk for a minute?”
He nods back to her and follows her to sit a few rows back.
“Thank you.” Hope says, adding an explanation before he even asks. “For loving him the way he deserved to be loved. I couldn’t ask for someone better for my son.”
“You raised an incredible man.” He says through sniffles.
She holds his hand and squeezes it lovingly. “I’m heading home in a few days, but even once I do, I would like to get to know you better. You’re important to him and I want to know you.”
“I’d really like that. Thank you Hope.” Sirius accepts her invitation to lean his head on her shoulder and she holds him tight.