Chapter 7
NOW
It takes most of the day to recover from his night’s sleep. That’s not how things are meant to work, but that’s how it is for Sirius. He knew going to sleep was a bad idea, and he still did it. The idea that you could forget that someone is gone is something he has read about in books before. He was naive enough to not even think it would happen to him.
Regulus comforted him as best as he could in the morning, but called for backup when he didn’t seem to be improving by noon. Lily and James both showed up as quickly as they could. Even once they were there, Sirius still couldn’t really talk or move. It's stupid and he knows that. Eventually he is going to have to live his life and to do that he will need to get a semi regular amount of sleep and just function like a person.
That won’t happen right now, he knows that much. No one is pushing him to do more than that, even so they’re pushing him to do more than he is ready or capable of doing. Eating and sleeping are at the top of the list of things he is struggling with, yet those are the main things everyone is pushing him to do.
None of them try to get him to talk about his dream or what happened when he woke up, which is good. He doesn't need to relive that even though the possibility of it happening again tonight is high. Sirius will just deal with that tomorrow morning, or never at all.
“I’m not going to kick you out, but do you want to at least go home and get more of your stuff? You can stay here, but there’s only so much you can borrow from me.” Regulus asks.
All Sirius can do is shake his head. He doesn’t want to go back there. It’s their flat, but he can’t stand to live in it. Not without Remus.
“I can go for you, if that works.” James offers.
Out of the corner of his eyes he can see him look at Lily and Regulus. Likely for confirmation that they will be able to handle him here. All Sirius wants is to not still be a burden on them, maybe it’s not all he wants, but in this moment it is. He just can’t seem to stop needing excess support from his friends. Even Lily is surviving better than him. Why can’t he do that?
He swallows deeply before finally speaking for the first time since his brief yet awful exchange with Regulus earlier. “I- I don’t think I can live there.”
No one makes a comment about his sudden ability to speak, but Regulus just simply replies. “I know, I said you could stay here as long as you like.”
“Not just now. I can’t- I’m never going to be able to. Not without…” Sirius forces the words out, but isn’t able to say his name.
The other three exchange a look and seem to communicate without words. In less than a minute, Regulus pulls out his phone and is dialing a number, while Lily is frantically texting someone. James remains with Sirius’ head on his shoulder and just runs his fingers through his hair.
“We’ll figure it out. We’ve got you.” He repeats calmly.
It’s not long before everyone else shows up. Except for Hope, but it doesn’t seem like anyone expected her. She is sure to be busy making arrangements and plans and honestly just grieving in her own way. Sirius would never want to make himself a problem for her. One day he hopes he can build a relationship with her in the absence of Remus, but it might take time. They both need to get past the hole that is there, and then they can build a bridge across the gap.
As everyone is talking rapidly and figuring out whatever it is they have decided to do with him next, he just sort of zones out. None of the words being said make it to his brain, at least not in coherent sentences. It’s not like he had anything else to be doing nor did he have any ideas of where to go from here, so he just lets it all happen around him.
He finally focuses enough to hear Peter say, “Okay, we’ll go to their flat and you go to the old one.”
When everyone showed up, Sirius originally expected it to just be the same group as were with him the other night. Lily, Dorcas, James, and now Regulus. But it seems as though Peter, Mary, and Pandora have all been roped into whatever it is they are doing to help him now. He does appreciate it, more than he’ll be able to express to any of them. And he knows that they are doing it because they love him, but Sirius can’t help but feel bad. One day he will find a way to make it up to them. He has to.
“Sounds like a plan. Peter, you have a truck right?” Mary asks.
“Yep, I drove here in it. Lily already thought of it.”
He wants to ask what is happening, but it’s too hard to penetrate the conversation. It would take too much energy. So he just lets them carry on. Soon enough he is sure that he will either figure it out or be clued into it. Honestly if he was a bit more present he would be able to deduce on his own, but he doesn’t bother.
Just as quickly as they all arrived, they file out of Regulus’ place until it is only the brothers again. Sirius loves all of his friends, but for a minute it almost felt like he couldn’t breathe. There was too much happening around him that he just wanted to fade away. No one asked him to get up or to do anything, so he just sunk back into the couch and watched as everyone left.
“We’ll hang back here for a bit until I get a call and then we can head out too.” Regulus informs him, though does not provide nearly enough context.
“What?”
His brother studies him for a moment in an attempt to figure out where he got confused. “We’re moving you back to your old flat. I’m just waiting on your landlord to call me back. I’ll help deal with the current one after, but the priority is making sure you have somewhere that you will be able to live.”
Oh. He doesn’t know what he expected but it wasn’t that. When he said he couldn’t live in their flat, he was being entirely truthful. It would never be able to be his home without Remus, but he would have eventually tried. Maybe at first it would just be a place for his things to live and he would crash here or at anyone else’s place. Probably just rotate through to avoid imposing too much on anyone’s space. But maybe one day far in the future he would try to stay there.
It probably wouldn’t work, so this might be the better option. But then again, what about the unmade bed from the last time Remus slept in it? Or the mirror with his foggy message on it. Those will now be lost forever. The bed will be remade and freshly slept in soon. There will be a different mirror with no note from Remus. And none of that will exist again.
He isn’t quite sure what to do with that thought. His eyes seem to know, and produce tears that roll down his cheeks silently. This isn’t the sobbing that he should be doing to process his emotions like most people would. It’s just more silently and partly numb crying that is accompanied by staring off and trying to block out all thoughts.
“Is that- this is okay right? I thought that this would be best.” His brother notices the tears and his voice fills with concern.
“It’s fine.” He answers automatically.
Before they have a chance to further talk about whether he wants this or not, the phone rings and Regulus hurries off to discuss the details. Sirius just thinks about how it’s probably good that they never fully unpacked. And then half laughs at himself for the stupid thought. They were planning to get around to putting everything where it belongs, they just hadn’t. Maybe if they had their luck would have been better and this wouldn’t be happening.
He comes back and chooses to not comment on Sirius’ chuckle or the tears falling into his open mouth. “Everything is all set. Lily said she’ll text when everything is moved so we can go over. You can still stay here tonight if you want to. Or I’m sure someone would stay with you there.”
“I don’t want to be a burden, I can handle this on my own.” Sirius knows it’s a lie.
“You don’t have to. Listen to me, Sirius. I would tell you if I didn’t want to be doing this. You’re my brother and this is what brothers do.” And he’s right. Sirius would be doing the same thing if roles were reversed.
But then again, Regulus has always been better about controlling and handling his emotions. He always seems to be perfectly in check. At least now that he’s grown. As a child it was a bit different, but he was scared then and didn’t even know who he was, so that’s understandable. Sirius protected him and did all that he could back then. And now, maybe it’s not all that different. Sirius is scared and doesn’t know who he is without Remus.
It’s stupid and silly. They only knew each other for five months, not even. He should have a better handle on things. It hasn’t even been that long since he was on his own. Plus he has more friends around him now. Before Remus he had his main few friends and then the distant ones from uni that he would only really talk to if someone organized a night out to all get together and catch up. Now he has Lily who he fucking adores and Dorcas who treats him like a brother she never got to have growing up and Peter who fits in so seamlessly with him, James, and also Remus.
Despite how full he feels with all of them in his life, nothing can fill the one gaping hole. It’s so present and so big. He never thought that anyone could have that much of an impact on him, but then he met Remus Lupin.
His friends are all doing the best thing for him. There is quite literally no way he could live in that flat without Remus. It would feel so wrong, even just being there yesterday on his own made his skin crawl. Sirius undoubtedly knows it is the right decision but he can’t seem to let himself accept it as such. Staying there feels just as wrong as moving back and he needs someone else to decide for him. which they have collectively done, but something is still off.
Then it clicks. The only person who can tell him which is the actual right decision, is the one who affected the situation most. Remus. He knows Sirius so well and so instinctively, that he could tell him in the long run which option would be better. Knew. He knew Sirius mentally corrects his thoughts to be past tense. Remus is not here anymore and does not have a say in things in the present. But oh how he wants him to.
All he wants to do is see him one more time. To be held by him. If he could hold him just for another minute, he would.
That last night, he would have never guessed that it would be their last. Because of that he can’t seem to recall many of the details of the day. Sirius knows that he was finishing up a painting, but that’s what he was doing when everything happened. Nothing else comes to mind. It absolutely wrecks him to realize that.
It’s only been a few days and memories of Remus are already fading in his mind. That can’t happen, he won’t let that happen. There are only so many memories they had the chance to make, only five months worth of forever. He can’t be losing it already.
Moving out of their flat would mean possibly losing all of the memories they made there. Can he bear to do that? But then again, he won’t have to be taunted by all the memories they never got the chance to make. Perhaps that is the better route. After all, they did spend more nights in Sirius’ old flat than in their new shared one.
“I think you’re right. I should move back there. Thank you, Reggie.” He says with a stray tear rolling down his cheek.
“We can hold onto the other one for now just in case.” his brother offers.
This time his laugh really does feel genuine. “That would be a waste of money, don’t you think?”
“Not if it would make you feel better. That is what is most important.” Regulus says, making this possibly the nicest thing he has ever said to him.
He thinks about it for a minute. Technically he could afford it himself and still not be very strained for cash. He could do it for now and then when he’s ready to let go, he can. That may not be for many years, but having it there could be nice. Maybe if he can step foot in it without breaking down it could become his studio. That way he would stop having to pay to rent his current studio space and could instead just paint there.
The idea sits at the back of his mind for the rest of the afternoon, and will remain there for much longer. It’s not a decision that needs to be made right away. It can wait as long as he wants. Well technically if he waits he’s already going to be keeping it, but that’s just as well. It's a great flat. Remus fucking loved that flat. Their life could have been perfect in that flat.
“When are we going over?” He asks after sitting in silence for quite some time.
Regulus checks his phone, quickly types something, then looks up to him. “Lily said they’ll be ready for us soon. Just waiting on a few things I think.”
He solemnly nods, though he has no idea what is actually happening. They could just be transporting the boxes from one flat to the other, but they could also be fully unpacking. If that is the case, he would feel awful that they are doing all that for him. though it would be nice to not have to deal with the boxes again. seeing as he never actually dealt with them this time, it would take quite a while before the old flat would get unpacked.
The afternoon shifts into evening and the two brothers sit in a half comfortable half awkward silence. They don’t typically spend this long of uninterrupted time together, especially not just sitting around. The comfortability comes from Regulus flipping the pages of the book he is reading and looking up briefly each time to check that Sirius is alive, breathing, and ideally not crying. All of which have miraculously remained true.
It’s awkward because he feels like more should be happening. That they should be talking or doing something. Last night was different because he was quite literally in the middle of breaking down, so the brotherly time didn’t seem that drawn out. Today just seems to drag on.
Which makes him think. This might not just be because he is with Regulus, this might just be how things are now. When the tears clear and his overall mood plateaus, this is how life will be. Even when he would be with other people over the last few months, Remus was always right there at his fingertips. He could text or call him at any time. That’s the difference now. Sirius feels untethered without him.
In the silence he lets his eyes flutter shut and enters a space in his head that comforts him. It’s the Remus corner that he loves so much. He has always been one to compartmentalize, though Remus was never something that could be contained that well. Thoughts of him overtook most parts of Sirius’ brain, but the Remus area was only about him. Nothing else entangled itself there.
Now though, he finds a way to escape to that part of his mind and talks to Remus. Not aloud, just in his head. I miss you, he says even though it is the most obvious thing he could say. Are you okay with me moving out of our flat? It’s what he wants to know. There is no one there to answer, but Sirius believes that if the answer were no, he would be able to tell. It will still be ours, don’t worry love. And with that he knows it will be okay. Talking to Remus in his head is ridiculous, but then again that’s what the two of them were always best at. So some things never die.
“Lily just texted, let’s head over.” Regulus stands to grab his keys.
On the drive over they have bits and pieces of a conversation. It’s hard to find things to talk about. The last time they saw each other, aside from now, was only two weeks ago. Even still, Regulus knows he can’t ask about anything that happened since then. He barely heard about the makeshift, impromptu honeymoon Sirius and Remus went on, but no one actually did. James was meant to when he was coming to see the new flat, but we all know how that turned out.
That seems to now be one of those things that only Sirius will know. Technically. One day he may be able to talk about it and share those stories with everyone else. But for now it stays between him and Remus, and for some reason that thought comforts him. It’s something the world can’t take away from him. As tainted as things may be now, that will be preserved as best it can be.
There isn’t much else that they can really talk about. Regulus tries sharing bits and pieces of his day or about the book he’s reading. He at one point asks what Sirius wants to have for dinner, then realizes it is a dumb question because he hasn’t been able to stomach much food at all since the incident.
Oh that, yes the incident . That is what Sirius has taken to calling what happened a few nights ago. The few times that he tried to think of it as the night Remus died or the crash or any other variation of that, he gagged and felt entirely sick to his stomach. So the incident it is.
“Ready?” Regulus asks as they pull up.
“As I'll ever be.”
Sirius walks in first. It's muscle memory for him. He lived in this flat for nearly four years. It was his first flat after university and he loved it so much that he just stayed. The rent wasn’t awful and he could afford it. The location was quite nice too. That’s probably how they were able to convince the landlord to let him come back so easily. He had been here for so long that it only made sense. There might not have even been a new tenant yet, now that he thinks about it. Less than a month ago was when he officially told them he was moving out. And he moved the boxes about a week ago. Just when they got home from Italy.
Right, it’s barely been any time at all. No wonder the walk up the stairs feels so natural. Turning the handle of the door is familiar, though not having a key at the moment throws him off. The weirdest part though, is the sight of the fully put together flat when the door is completely wide open.
Everything seems to be in place. It looks just as it did before. All of them had been here when Sirius lived here before so that makes sense. It wouldn’t take much effort on James’ part to know where everything goes. He had been here more than anyone else. If Sirius didn’t know for certain that he hadn’t been living here yesterday, he would think that nothing has been moved in months. And that someone had cleaned very recently. Certainly not him, but someone.
Of course he knows that everything was just moved. Even if he is already starting to not be able to recall details from a few nights ago, his memory is not that bad. All of his friends are sitting or standing around, talking amongst themselves. Likely in an attempt to not overwhelm Sirius and he appreciates it.
He walks in through the living room and down the little corridor to his bedroom. This was a great bedroom, and will be a great bedroom again, he hopes. It was his own little sanctuary, though the last time he slept in here, he and Remus were deciding to get married. If he tries hard enough he can preserve that as a good memory, not one that pains him. It will take time, and he plans to sleep on the couch or at someone else’s flat for a few more nights, but he thinks it is possible. Remus would want it that way.
A few things catch his eye as he stands in the doorway and scans his room. There are a few boxes, untouched, in one corner. And the bed isn’t made. It looks like someone just got out of it and didn’t so much as pull the covers back. Just as it was in the other flat.
“Thought you might want it like this. At least until you feel ready to sleep in it and change it.”
The voice behind him in the doorway makes Sirius jump. He turns to see James looking at him with warmth in his eyes. He’s clearly trying to not show that he pities him, and maybe pity just isn’t the right word, but whatever it is, James is great at pretending. There is no doubt that his best friend loves him and is doing everything in his power to help. He just- Does he have to look at Sirius like he’s broken? Like he’s a bird with a broken wing unable to get anywhere without help.
“You didn’t have to.” He trails off, unsure what else to say.
“I know, but I wanted to.” James places a hand softly on his shoulder. “You can accept help and not be weak, you know.”
He does, but he doesn’t. Srius just wants to be able to do it on his own. To say that he can. To prove that when time carries on and everyone has to go back to living their lives without watching his every move, that he will be able to do it alone. If he leans too heavily on his friends, then what happens when they all go home at night and he is left to face the ghosts of the life he was supposed to have? How does he cope without his friends doing it for him?
With a deep breath in and out, he caves. “Alright, help away. Is the whole flat unpacked?”
“Everything that used to be here, is back where it goes. There’s still some things left to do, just let us know what you want us to do.”
Out in the living room, everyone is lounging around waiting for him. He looks at this blended friend group that only met four months ago and now are practically always all together. It makes his heart ache. But in a good way. Sirius can see the good in things still, he didn’t even have to try this time. It just came to him. With these people he has a home and even if his heart aches at the absence of Remus, it swells with the presence of all of his friends.
There isn’t that much left to do, honestly James did a great job at unpacking. The boxes in his room with Remus’ things can stay there for now. Sirius is not ready to go through that. He can try his best to go through the boxes that sit out here that have miscellaneous things in them. That much he can manage, at least he thinks he can. It’s mostly decorations that no one wanted to touch because he can be particular about that sort of thing, or his painting supplies. Again, he’s very picky about how that is all handled.
He wanders into the room and peruses what he could do to unpack. If everyone else could do all of this for him while also grieving the same loss as he is, then he can put in a little effort. Right? At least he should try.
As he does that, Lily continues moving around and pulling together things in the kitchen. He’s not sure what, because he definitely didn’t have any food in this flat and barely anything in the other one either. She has been constantly moving, almost as much as Hope. As if sitting still would allow more of the grief into her mind. Maybe they have the right idea. Too bad Sirius can barely move at all, otherwise he would try their method.
“How do you feel about a movie night?” Mary comes over to ask. “We were all thinking of just staying here to keep you company for a bit, so why not put on a movie.”
“Sure Mare, that’s good.” He answers as if on auto-pilot.
“Any preference on the movie?”
He just shakes his head. They can figure it out. Having everyone here tonight will be nice, but Sirius doesn’t care about what they do. It may be for his benefit but he is like a ghost right now. A movie isn’t going to be able to keep his attention, nothing has been able to.
The box pushed against a wall with a handful of paintings, still in their frames, catches his eye. If there is one thing he can always do, even now, it’s arranging paintings on the wall. These were all part of a gallery wall the last time he had them hung up, so it shouldn’t be too hard to reconfigure that. He turns his attention to the wall they belong on and finds that the nails are still in place, making this all that much easier.
Quickly, with some bizarre bit of energy he starts hanging each of them up. None of these are pieces that he painted himself, but they are some of his favourites. He has owned most of these for a long time. One is a Van Gogh print of one of his sunflower paintings. It doesn’t brighten up the room like people would say sunflowers do, but he does still love it. That goes almost in the center, but to create a more dynamic wall it’s slightly off to the side.
The other paintings are a mix of landscapes and abstract paintings that he has found over the years. Most are a more impressionist style than realistic. Sirius is much better at painting realism than impressionism, so when he’s searching through other artists’ work he finds the ones that he couldn’t do himself. In less than ten minutes he has the entire wall up and perfectly level. He steps back to admire his work, and finally something feels right. Perhaps for the first time since.
“Snacks are almost ready, does someone want to clear space in front of the couch for us all to sit?” Lily calls from the kitchen where she has not stopped moving for even a second.
Sirius is surprised she isn’t moving the furniture and boxes herself too, but watches as Dorcas and James take on that task. Still having some energy, he goes digging through the other boxes to find things to hang on the other open walls. The one with the television is currently uneven. One side has two smaller paintings and then the other side is empty. He’s not quite sure who did this or decided that would make sense, but that doesn’t matter.
What would look best is a bigger painting to balance it out without being too symmetrical. Except Sirius doesn't think he owns one of the size he needs. He doesn’t want to have to wait to hang something up and have to look at it all uneven as it is now, but he might have to.
“What is the issue?” Regulus appears next to him, knowing the look that rests on his face instantly.
“Look at the wall. It’s off.”
He takes a moment to consider. “No idea why someone would hang those up like that. You’re right, it’s an issue.” Regulus turns to face the rest of the group. “Alright, we need to fix this wall. Doesn’t matter who hung these paintings, but we need a large one to go on the other side of the television. Any ideas?”
Oh how he loves when his little brother gets like this. It’s a bit comical, especially when it isn’t at all directed at him. Many times Sirius has been on the receiving end of Regulus’ neuroses, but watching from the sidelines is definitely enjoyable. When he wants something to get done, it will. And he will make sure it’s done right. In this moment he has a lot of appreciation for him. Not that he would ever tell him that, but he does. Soon they can go back to their brotherly bickering, but for now he loves Regulus for being someone he can lean on when he needs it most.
“What if we move them so it’s one on either side.” Peter suggests.
“That would be too symmetrical. Sirius hates it like that.” Pandora helpfully supplies, knowing his tendencies and preferences when it comes to art quite well.
“What about this one?” Dorcas points to a canvas sitting with his art supplies, half sticking out of the box.
It’s one of his own. He isn’t opposed to hanging up his own art, it just depends on which piece it is. And he cannot for the life of him even remember which ones he had at the flat versus at the studio. Hesitantly he picks it up and turns it around. Nearly drops it. The flat. It’s the flat. The last painting he worked on, the last one Remus will have ever watched him paint. Sirius’ heart breaks.
This one has to be hung up. He knows it does, but god is it going to hurt to put it up. It’s the perfect size, there isn’t another choice. The universe is telling Sirius that he has to hang this painting up. The new flat inside the old flat which is also the current flat. Or whatever confusing string of words you could use to describe this.
“That’s beautiful.” A few of his friends say barely audible. He doesn’t care to turn and see who said it.
Wordlessly, he picks it up and walks right to the open space on the wall. A hammer is lying nearby with a pile of nails. Not the most safe, but it’s useful to him now so he doesn’t care. Sirius simply picks it up and within a minute the painting is hanging there. Staring back at him. For a second he can feel his eyes well up, but no tears come. They aren’t needed or even welcome right now. He doesn’t want to cry now.
One set of arms wrap around him, then another, and another, until everyone is surrounding him. They seem to know that he needed support. If it weren’t for them cradling him, Sirius thinks he would have fallen to the ground. Not to cry, not because he’s weak. Just because he is overwhelmed by the emotions he has been pushing away from himself so adamantly.
The microwave beeps and Lily squeezes her way out and goes running to get the array of snacks. This gives everyone else permission to let Sirius go, but James doesn’t. He walks with him over to the couch, where he settles into the corner. In the past he was never the one to sit in the corners, at least not technically. Remus would sit there and he would sit curled in on him. Tonight though he will take the corner place, and maybe that’s where he will always sit from now on.
From behind them, Lily and Regulus appear carrying various trays and passing them out. It seems his brother was not part of the previous hug as he was in the kitchen and not the living room. However now he settles right into the center of this massive cuddle puddle that has formed on the couch and spilled all around the floor in front of them. If he had more energy Sirius would make fun of Regulus for it, but he doesn’t. Instead he just silently appreciates him for being here and for being comfortable with his friends.
Someone picks out a movie, which he knows because he hears it start. Out of the corner of his eye he sees people moving on the screen, but Sirius doesn’t fully look. As soon as his eyes were off of his friends, they were pulled right back to the painting. He would much rather look at this.
Even if he painted it himself, it’s not the reason he can’t stop staring. It feels like a lifetime ago that he painted this, but it wasn’t even a week since he finished it. The details he vaguely knows he added are all secrets to him right now. Staring and staring. There is something in the window of their flat. Most people wouldn’t know what it is, or who it is. But the more Sirius looks, the easier it is for him to know it’s Remus.
Looking out at him from above the flower boxes in the window. Looking out at him from their perfect life they never got to have. Looking out at the forever they were meant to have.