The room was heavy with unacknowledged frustration. His godfather was sitting across from him, at a safe distance, stabbing a cigarette in a black enamel ashtray and looking away. His face only showed a flicker of anger without eruption, and this is what made it dangerous, like a festering war wound that would not heal. These days, Harry wished there would be an explosion of angry words from Sirius, some kind of recompense for weeks of silence and thick avoidance.
Harry was not ready to give up on Sirius.
“I just cannot understand how two men I respect the most are not able to even look at eachother anymore” said the young man exasperated and placed both of his hands on the heavy wooden table at the basement kitchen at twelve Grimmauld Place.
Sirius, who was sitting with his elbows on the same table scowled grumpily and tried to hide a flash of shame from the piercing look of his godson.
Maybe we don’t deserve your respect, after all, Harry, thought Sirius Black, wanting to sigh and run his hand through his hair. But instead, he huffed. Being irritated was easier than admitting one was irreparably hurt.
“I have told you many times, Harry,” Sirius said softly, clearing his throat, not quite able to look at the young man–not quite a boy anymore.
“Me and Moony…” he started and then stopped to flail his hands nervously, feeling a sour taste in his palate at the utterance of the familiar nickname. “Things are different now” he tried again, sounding resolute, mature, and final. “We are in different places in life and we just…” he stopped and sighed again, unable to find the correct words. “We have drifted apart and we just don’t fit in each other's lives anymore, let’s say, that’s all” Sirius finally said with a more determined tone.
“Well, I think this is bonkers!” said Harry with a voice a bit louder now. “I mean, I get that so many things have happened, the war, and everything, but this is not the way to go about it, Sirius” continued Harry looking at his godfather intensely.
Sirius, although had not changed physically since his return from the rather mysterious veil, was now more tired, more huggard and Harry noticed how small grayish circles were under his faded blue aristocratic eyes.
“You and Remus are the last Marauders remaining and you have been through so much, I just never expected that you would find it so difficult to be around eachother anymore. Just like that, I mean, out of nowhere..” pleaded Harry and Sirius shifted a bit awkwardly in his chair, now feeling a pain in his lower back. It was easier to pretend to be aloof, even when his insides shuddered and recoiled all the time since he came back from the veil. It was painfully important to Sirius to be–perhaps for once in his unlucky life–calm and composed because this is what Harry deserved and Sirius refused to fuck this all up again for his own miserable and insignificant problems.
“And what is the worst part,” continued Harry, now also looking elsewhere, “is that you refuse to tell me what has happened between you two.”
Sirius was ready to rise from his chair, now with more determination, but he seemed to regret this movement instantly. He could not be impulsive anymore. Not with Harry, and certainly, not with Remus.
Sirius opened and closed his mouth wordlessly and eventually looked at Harry as if to make him understand beyond words, beyond civil and mature language, that he wanted to end this discussion. But instead he said calmly, almost in a whisper:
“And I have told you many times that nothing went down between me and Rem. We just, you know, have different lives. Let's leave it there” said Sirius, mentally berating himself for how odd the word ‘nothing’ sounded in his mouth.
Harry was not sure if he should continue pressing Sirius and go on with his rant about the unusual coolness between his godfather and Remus Lupin. He knew that Sirius did not like to be pressured to talk about things he was not ready to talk about. Harry had seen that with many things Sirius was confronted with after the Battle, some information more devastating than other. Regulus, for example.
Harry now paused and resumed his drink of cold butterbeer and Sirius seemed relieved for a moment before his gaze traveled somewhere at the gloomy kitchen, assessing some minute detail to distract himself or hide from the inquisitive boy he loved so much and used as an anchor to ground himself in his new reality.
But Harry was still bothered by this situation between Sirius and Remus. Whatever they were going through, no matter how Sirius and Remus remained tight-lipped about it, started to bother Harry internally as well, like a change of weather that could be felt in one’s bones, even on a summer day.
The truth is that Harry could not really comprehend what transpired between the two men, his former professor, the man who taught him the patronus charm and Sirius Black, his long-lost godfather who had recently returned from the veil, with no memories and no sign of passage of time, despite being stuck there for almost two years.
At the beginning, Harry being Harry, did not even pick up on the progressive coldness, the awkward glances and the stifled anger between the two men.
Harry was happy, in fact, extremely elated by Sirius's miraculous return, to notice that there was something unspoken between Remus and Sirius that seemed to have completely fractured–if not severed–their long but sadly interrupted friendship.
The first proper instance when Harry noticed the tension between the two men was during his eighteenth birthday celebration at the Burrow. Sirius was uncharacteristically late although Harry and Molly had mentioned to him the exact time multiple times; he arrived on his bike an hour after the large group of old friends and allies had finished the birthday cake, something that had earned Sirius a long scowl and a huff from Molly.
Although Harry was looking at Sirius hopefully and admired the nonchalant elegance of his godfather’s black wavy hair and his ungroomed facial hair that was beginning to form a full beard and mustache, he could not help but notice the awkward glances between Sirius and Remus. Remus was sitting next to Fred and George and in front of him was a large untouched slice of birthday cake. He looked down at his plate when he noticed Sirius. Tonks was not there; she had left with the baby an hour prior to visit her mother, Andromeda.
Sirius jovially greeted everyone and gave Harry a small hug, while he curtly nodded at Remus and looked around anxiously, evaluating his surroundings, like a dog. He and Remus did not speak a word. Remus eventually left a good twenty minutes afterwards and Molly escorted him to the garden door, giving him some left-overs and saying something about Tonks. This made Remus fluster for some reason.
And then Sirius’ demeanor suddenly changed like a quick flick of a wand. He was talkative and blokey, and ruffled Harry’s hair many times and barked out loud laughs at something lewd the Weasley twins mentioned. Like nothing had happened. Like everything was alright.
After the strange behavior during Harry’s birthday party,Harry found out from Kingsley that there had been an altercation between Sirius and Remus a few weeks before the Battle when the order was strategizing at the Burrow. But even Kingsley could not tell Harry what the fight had been about. He said he did not know anymore apart from the fact that wands were drawn and Sirius had shoved Remus against a wall, being irrationally violent.
Harry had asked Sirius many times if things were alright with Remus but never got a satisfying response. Many things crossed his mind. He reckoned that perhaps that fight had left a sour taste in the mens’ throats when they had to see eachother in public. But there was a war and people during wars lost their true selves. Hadn’t Ron abandoned ship when he and Harry had a fight during the Horcrux hunt? But Harry never held it against Ron and he was sure that Sirius and Remus had many instances like this in their friendship. Yet perhaps there were some things that ran deeper and Harry simply did not know. Maybe this did not even have to do with the past, but, in fact, with the present. His godfather needed to finally adjust and ease himself back into society, especially after the public scrutiny of his exoneration that happened immediately upon Kingsley’s assumption of power at the ministry. Perhaps it was the effect of having broken memories and feeling disoriented and confused. After all, Sirius had to suffer an extensive period of exposure to dementors. But this seemed to be more that Sirius’ social difficulties and his confrontation with what freedom entailed for him after the war. It was an eerie and odd feeling of apathy, frustration, and a deep sense of giving up on the friendship by both men.
Something else crossed Harry’s mind. Could it be jealousy? Was Sirius feeling abandoned and left out by Remus’ relationship with Tonks? Was his godfather feeling that time and life had passed without him and now he was–yet again–a misfit, misplaced and broken, trying to find his way back in the lives of others?
Sirius certainly did not act this way with Harry, though. The moment they got reunited, Sirius hung on to Harry happily, trying to finally fulfill his role as godfather, although arguably Harry had managed without him for so long, but obviously he did not want to tell that to Sirius. They had immediately moved back to Grimmauld place for a period of adjustment for both; Sirius kept practicing his magic while he also kept working with Audrey Stone, his mind healer who helped him restore a lot of his memories. They eventually started to look for a London flat, the two of them, despite Mrs. Weasley’s repeated invitations to Harry for extensive stays at the Burrow. But Harry made it clear that he wanted to live with his godfather.
Yet deep in his heart Harry knew that there was something fundamentally wrong in Sirius’ life. His behavior, his restless investment in Harry’s wellbeing and his attempt to finally be a proper family seemed like elaborate attempts to convince Harry that all was well. Attempts that were possibly more likely made by Sirius to convince himself that all was well.
And then there was Remus. It made sense that things would be different with Remus now since he was now a parent and was spending much of his time with Tonks and the baby at home, but Harry did not understand his total disregard about Sirius and Sirius’ aloof lack of interest or fits of frustration about Remus’ new life.
Of course Remus cared about Sirius, he had to remind himself often. He was just busier now and focused on his new little family, his wife and son, Teddy, who was also Harry’s godson. Remus had visited Sirius at Kingsley’s place when Sirius had just transformed back into a human again after a lot of effort from Audrey and Eulalia Shacklebolt, Kingsley’s healer sister. But Remus never inquired about Sirius anymore on his own accord, he only carefully listened to Harry's mentions of Sirius and his tentative baiting remarks to draw a reaction out of Remus. It could not be disinterest, Harry kept thinking, feeling a bit embarrassed by his thoughts, much like a child whose parents are drifting apart and it becomes painfully noticeable. It couldn’t be that, he wanted to remind himself. After all, Remus politely smiled everytime Harry said that Sirius was making progress and was remembering more snippets every day. One day Remus even chuckled when Harry said that Sirius was spending his days fixing up his old bike that Arthur Weasley returned to him in mint condition.
But Remus never initiated the questions about Sirius, and he always had a quizzical look, like he was remembering Sirius as a fond memory and not a real and breathing man. A sentient and alive being. A friend he once loved.
What also disturbed Harry was the fact that Sirius did not seem to care about baby Teddy. Yes, it was true that when Harry told him that Tonks and Remus had appointed Harry Teddy’s godfather, Sirius looked utterly shocked but then quickly regained his composure and clapped Harry at his back, saying something self-deprecating about how Harry would be a much better godfather than Sirius ever was and he disappeared for the whole day, without Harry having the time to challenge this mistaken conviction Sirius held.
And now things were worse because the unknown cause of the conflict lingered in the air, like a festering wound that eventually left a chronic taste of bitterness. And none of the men would speak its name. Even if it was only to say it outloud once so as to expunge the bitterness that had found itself between them.
Harry felt angry at both of them that they let this happen and he often could not help thinking what his parents would say had they been alive to see Sirius and Remus, the two remaining Marauders, so at odds with each other, so indifferent and aloof about each other's lives.
But Harry also knew that bringing up the memories of his parents, and especially his father James, was not fair for Sirius. Not now, at least.
Harry sighed at the thought of manipulating Sirius and looked at his godfather after a long pause.
Sirius finally made a move to get up from his chair, grabbing a cigarette from his pocket and possibly heading out for a bike ride, something he often did for hours in the evenings.
Harry acted quickly before Sirius could leave and go somewhere to wallow about whatever broody cause was taunting him.
“At least I hope you will consider coming to the wedding” Harry blurted quickly, looking at Sirius tentatively, afraid of the answer he might get. Or the unnerving silence in lieu of a proper answer.
Sirius seemed aloof and then with a shrug of his shoulders just sighed and nodded curtly at Harry, who gave him a small hopeful smile.
“It would certainly be important for Remus and Tonks, and you will finally meet the baby as well” Harry ventured to continue the conversation, as Sirius was now standing near the door not looking at Harry.
“Yes, of course” croaked Sirius, re-entering reality, while the look on his face and the increasing frown between his thick eyebrows quietly warned Harry to stop talking about this.
Harry hoped that the news of an upcoming wedding would lift Sirius’ spirits when it came to Remus, especially because it was Remus’ wedding. Indeed, Remus and Tonks, who just had their baby a month before the final battle never had the chance to have a proper wedding as they all went into hiding suddenly and then Tonks became pregnant, early in their relationship.
But something told Harry that not only Sirius would not attend the wedding of his now only best friend, but that things would change for the worst judging from the unspoken tension, the unsaid and frustrated glances and the deep sighs Sirius let out every night in his room or when he was climbing the stairs, hoping that whatever pain he held on, whatever disappointment, remained private and unnoticed by Harry.