24th April 1975
We had a great day, even though we forgot to eat
It was the day before the full moon, Remus was starving. He shoved half of his dinner (a singular baked potato) down his face after what felt like an eternity of not eating. That familiar consciousness of the feeling of food inside of him had got the better of him and he felt the self hatred wash over him.
He never wanted to eat like an animal (which he did not). He guessed he did because he was an animal. A monster even. A monster who ate like one and became one one a month, and acted like one the week leading up to the moon. No actually, he acted and felt like one all the time.
He stood up from the Gryffindor table, the other 3 marauder’s eyes on him and he rose. His head hurt. Everything was too loud. And bright. He needed out.
“Remus where are you-“
“Library,” Remus replied coldly before grabbing his things and quickly leaving the hall.
Tell your friend I'll be alright
In the morning it won't matter
The second Remus exited through the
Great Hall doors, Sirius scrambled out of his seat at the Gryffindor table, starting to move faster as he too left the hall.
✮ ✮ ✮
Remus needed it out. He needed to empty the meals he had just eaten out of his insides until there was nothing left. He tried as hard as he could to purge the food out until he swore he saw blood. His head was spinning and his eyes were wet with tears he didn’t remembering forming in his eyes. Purge after purge, he could feel his chest getting heavier with the guilt of relapsing.
His sweat covered hands gripped the toilet of their small dorm bathroom, sliding down the sides as he was ready to empty his stomach even more, when the door to their dorm swung open and his heart dropped.
“Remus I know you’re-“ he stopped as he saw the bathroom door wide open, “Remus what- what the fuck were you doing?”
I wanna be emaciated
Remus didn’t reply, only gripping to the toilet more, not wanting to purge in front of Sirius, but knowing he could be sick at the thought of what was to come next if he tried hard enough.
“Remus you’re as white as snow, I’m taking you to Pomfrey”
I had a fever, until I met you
“Sirius I- no! You can’t. She’ll be disappointed in me, I’ve came so far,” Remus blurts out, blinking back tears while catching his breath.
But sometimes I still do
Something embarrassing
Sirius didn’t answer, he only knelt down and removed Remus’ hands from their firm grip on the toilet. A single tear, followed by more, began leaving Remus’ eyes and falling down his scarred face. He lay his head on the cold bathroom floor and cried while Sirius helplessly sat by his side. As Sirius blinked back his own tears, his hands brushed through Remus’ soft curls.
“Remus it’s gonna be okay, but I need to tell Poppy, she just wants to help, just listen.”
“Sirius I can’t, I won’t. I can’t ever leave this room.”
“Then I’ll stay until you’re ready”
Remus merely shook his head, placing it back on the floor, his vision blurring as he began to lose consciousness.
I dream about it
✮ ✮ ✮
25th April 1975
He woke up, not sure how long it had been.
And I wake up falling
“Oh good, you’re awake,” the medi witch called, approaching Remus. “I’d just sent Black down to retrieve you some lunch.”
“Oh that’s okay I’m not-“
“And you will eat Mr Lupin, that was not an offer, it was an order”
Remus decided that there was no point arguing with the strict, but morally correct matron as he’d never win. She unfortunately knew every one of his excuses, tips and tricks after dealing with his variety of issues since his first year, none of which have ever caused her any issues.
Remus suddenly spoke again, “Poppy- I mean Madam Pomfrey- I’m so sorry I know you thought I was better,” and with his guilt getting the better of him, he began sobbing, something he had only ever done in front of his mother and once in front of Sirius Black.
“Never apologise Remus. It’s all part of getting better okay? But with that you need to try.”
I didn't wanna be this guy, I cried at your show with the teenagers
Ten minutes later, Sirius came barging in with a tray of food for Remus.
“Oh Lupin I thought we’d lost you forever,” Sirius dramatically cried while exuberantly moving towards the other boy’s bed. His expression changed, “You need to eat y’know? You’re killing yourself.”
“So what if I am?”
“Remus really? What the fuck are you playing at. You really need to take care of yourself”
Remus just nodded at this while waiting impatiently for Madam Pomfrey to be out of sight.
“You know you’re gonna be made to eat as long as she, or I are here?”
“Yeah but I can’t eat- stomachache, it’s really-“
I never said I'd be alright, just thought I could hold myself together
“Don’t even try Moony. Reg had the same problems when he was 10, I know how to deal with it. Your excuses mean nothing to me and I want you to get better.” Remus stopped as Sirius said this about Regulus and he felt Sirius’ thumb rubbing the back of his hand and he began to break off squares of the chocolate bar in front of him while they heard Pomfrey muttering something about it not being real food.
Just me and my dog and an impossible view