“Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling up a piece of paper, you can smooth it over, but it’s never going to be the same again”
That’s the thing, you would expect betrayal from your foes rather than friends or family – the saddest part about betrayal however, is that it rarely comes from your enemies.
Remus had not once in his life felt as betrayed as in that instant, when he had found out just who had told Snape the way to get past the Whomping Willow. The mess Sirius had caused, nearly killing Snape in the process and almost getting Remus locked up in Azkaban for a murder, for heaven's sake. Remus couldn't fathom it, there could be no way that Sirius would have done that to him. Yet the sad reality he had to face at the end of the day, was exactly like he feared. It had been none other than his friend, his Sirius.
Having to see Sirius right after waking up, being told just what had went down the night before, Remus had let the burning anger take the best of him, letting the vile words pour out of his mouth while he had let Sirius feel the rage he himself was feeling and shouted things he knew would hurt Sirius, comparing him to his family was always a sore spot.
Knew it was better to stay away from Sirius for the time being, he couldn't bear the sight of him or he might say other awful things he would regret later on.
He needed to cool off his feelings of hatred and betrayal first, before even thinking about speaking with Sirius. Wash the anger, with the remaining days and hope it would slowly fade away or at least dilute slightly.
And time went by like that, Summer already in the corner, nearing them, flowers had started to bloom, weather getting warmer day by day. Now he couldn’t blame the icy feeling to the cold weather, he had been feeling in his chest, like a piece missing from a puzzle.
School kept them in a tight knot, busy with last exams of the school year, Sirius didn’t try to come talk to them, wouldn't dare when James had taken Remus’ side on the matter and kept ignoring Sirius too. Sometimes Remus could see Sirius occasionally in passing or in class walking head low, eyes on the floor– it reminded Remus of a kicked puppy..which Remus thought would make him feel better, seeing him like that…but it didn't.
The anger was slowly melting with the weather warming, still remaining, but his feelings were begging to turn more melancholy, like on a rainy day.
The day they were all going home for the Summer break, Remus had meant to have a chat and let Sirius finally explain why he had done it, get some sense into it— yes, he was still bitter by it, but at the same time, he just wanted to understand why- just why had Sirius done it and somewhere in Remus, loomed the feeling of not wanting to lose Sirius, the stupid bastard he was had still been a dear friend to Remus.
In the end, Remus didn’t have the chance to talk with Sirius, Sirius pretty much disappeared at the end of the last day, like he hadn’t been there at all– disappearing into the mist of people leaving with their families.
Summer went quickly for Remus, like it always went. Time spent mostly hanging out with the boys, chain smoking and reading a lot of books, doing some of school work out of the way, and almost forgetting Sirius –just almost. The thought of him still often seemed to linger into back of his mind, whether he was doing okay or not, because no one had heard anything from Sirius, not even James and they knew how cruel Sirius’ home could be. In the end James had sent Sirius a letter asking if he was doing okay, to which he never got a reply back..
Then it was already time to head back to school. Sirius still didn't try to talk to them, he was more likely trying to avoid them and everyone else on that matter, always disappearing somewhere, he wasn't sleeping in their dorm room either. Remus sometimes opened the marauders map to check where he could be and on many occasions it was either the Astronomy tower or somewhere in the outer halls, where nobody usually went, that was where Sirius seemed to spend his free time and nights wandering around, always alone.
At times Remus wanted to go and find Sirius, join him so he couldn’t avoid him forever, Remus was still waiting for an actual explanation from Sirius of why he had done it. He was starting to get tired of the cat and mouse game they had been playing. First it was Remus ignoring him then both of them and now Sirius. Remus was tired of it, he just wanted to have a chat and talk things through, maybe… they could even fix this somehow.
~~~
He didn't know if anyone else had noticed or paid any particular attention to it, but Remus had –he saw it, how the new muggle studies Professor eyed Sirius ever so often, when no one else was looking, watched him like a hawk.
Remus could see it even if no one else had, he had been paying more attention to Sirius than he wanted to admit, so he could notice the small changes, the small unnecessary touches the teacher would make with a lingering gaze. Yet he thought nothing special of it, just an over friendly teacher, maybe he knew Sirius from somewhere.. still Sirius seemed uncomfortable at times, when the professor got too close.
Nonetheless, Remus had been too late, too late to see the real danger and the harm that was about to be introduced to Sirius. He noticed everything, just acted like he didn't.
That’s the unfortunate thing about time, we cannot take it back, cannot erase it.
Under these circumstances, Remus by remaining silent had done more harm than good, and that might have just been the one thing he was going to regret the most in the near future. Wouldn’t have hoped it even to his worst enemies.
That morning he could feel a familiar presentence in their room that had been missing for a while. Could smell the aroma of Sirius somewhere, the light citrus with cigarette smoke and candles lingered in the morning air lightly. A normal wizard might have not smelled it, but Remus wasn’t like any other wizards, now was he? His sense of smell was much stronger than that of a human.
Once he got up, he saw James just sitting in the armchair by the window and staring straight ahead to Peter’s bed confused.
“Is Sirius here” Remus heard himself ask sleepy, what was meant to be a whisper carried out a bit louder than he had intended.
James’ gaze now shifted on Remus, “I think so?” he had replayed back to Remus, looking as confused as he felt. “His bed is empty though, but I think his school uniform is on our bathroom floor?” James continued shifting his gaze back to Peter’s bed.
Remus could still smell Sirius, like he was in the room with them, so where was he… “you don't mean..?” Remus questioned, turning his head at Pete's bed feeling mortified.
James looked as puzzled, “I don't know, mate”
“Why would he be in PETER’S bed?” Remus exhaled, not understanding anything, and could only feel something ugly twisting in his stomach, he couldn’t exactly name it, but it made him feel sick.
Clearly they weren't as discreet as they had tried to be, because in a short while Peter’s curtains opened and Peter was telling them to shut up. All Remus could progress in that moment however, was a glimpse of Sirius’ sleeping figure almost entirely hidden within the blankets, only a mob of black curls could be seen.
Momentarily he became aware of James’ loud voice asking the questions Remus was dying to know.“What is going on?” James looked at Peter “why is he here?”
“And why is he in your bed?” Remus added, really needing to know what the hell was going on.
“Well this is still technically his damn room, so he can be here if he wants.” Remus heard Peter tell them.
“Cmon Peter, why would he come here now and not earlier, if he wanted to?” Remus looked at him pointedly. Why had Sirius not come here earlier, why now all of a sudden? Why wait all week and then turn up? It didn't make any sense to Remus.
Peter looked hesitant to reply. “just…something happened and he needed a safe place to stay.” Peter said looking sorry, but for what Remus wondered?
Remus could feel James tense up beside him. “what happened?” James asked worriedly.
But before Peter could open his mount, Remus’ anger flared up out of nowhere, he felt sudden anger, so sudden he regretted the words as they left his mouth. “Well whatever reason he’s here i bet it was his own fucking fault again” Remus had said.. Peter looked upset, very upset like that was absolutely the wrong thing to say at that moment, like switching the wrong button, pulling a door that was supposed to be pushed.
“Don’t.” Peter said warningly. He could feel anger from Peter, disgust and fury. “Just don’t, you have no idea-“
“Then tell me Peter, what the fuck did he do this time huh?!” Remus sounded almost scared even to his own ears too, afraid that something had happened again.
“This was not his fucking fault!” Peter yelled back. That shut Remus up, he had never in his life, in the time he had known Peter, heard him shout, Peter even raising his voice was rare enough..
“I am not going to tell you what happened, because it is not my tale to tell. But I need you both to drop your attitude towards Sirius, you can be mad at him but please do it quietly, he does not need your shit right now.” Peter said straight.
There was a momentum of silence in the air between them, only a moment. “Is he gonna stay here?” James' quiet question could be heard, breaking the silence.
“Probably,” Peter answered, looking at his bed and continuing. “Okay if that’s done, Remus i need you to get minnie, tell her it’s urgent and that she needs to come to our room when she can.”
“Why?” he asked, why was minnie needed and why couldn't Peter just go there and get her by himself?
“Yeah why does minnie have to come here?” James asked beside him.
“just go tell her that and go to your classes, both of you okay.” Peter sounded tired while telling them off.
Remus looked at Peter for a while questioning it, but when Peter didn’t elaborate, he gave up, knew it was useless to argue when Peter wasn't going to take a no for an answer on this matter and left to fetch minnie.
Minnie did not appreciate Remus knocking at her office so early, but when Remus told her Peter had asked for her especially and it was about something urgent, she had eventually agreed and sent Remus back to classes, James had arrived almost at the same time as he had, both looking still confused and curious of the whole thing, only exchanging questioning glances between one another.
Remus wasn’t as focused on the lesson, as he usually was, thoughts on sleeping Sirius and-
“Remus” James whispered him out of his thoughts. They were reading muggle books and going through what certain devices did certain things, which Remus pretty much knew already. He was now more focused on their teacher who was seemingly in a fairly good mood, like he had won something by cheating, eyes gleaming in mischief. It made him a bit uneasy for some reason.
Throughout the classes Remus felt James get more anxious by the second and pulled him aside when they had a break, “Are you good?” Remus asked James.
Who looked at him, worry crossing his face, “I just need to know if Sirius is alright.” James said, sounding defeated. “When i asked Peter if Sirius was fine, he just replied with: i hope so... what does that even mean Remus!” James said frustrated.
Remus didn't know, he didn't have the answers James needed, he was as out of it as James, they had no real information of literally anything. Just knew something must have happened and the gut feeling Remus had, it could not be anything good, it rarely was. This time though he had a feeling it would be something really bad.
They were walking to the dining hall, until several students were passing them hurriedly, someone nearly pumping into them. Remus and James could hear whispers of words like “commotion” and “aurors”. Their curiosity took the best of them and soon followed the others to a hallway– that was filled with students surrounding something in the middle, right in front of a classroom they had been in, not so long ago.
Remus first spotted frigid looking Sirius, who was seemingly frozen in place looking horrified by something. Remus quickly noticed how everyone's attention seemed to be in the Black brothers waiting for something, anything and slowly realizing that there were actual aurors in the hallway. Aurors, who were trying to escort their teacher, their muggle studies teacher, Professor Kesle– And then Remus knew something was wrong.
Remus' focus came back to the movement in front of him and saw how carefully Sirius was turning around with hands trembling by his side– with a fight or flight feel in his body language, like there was an actual monster inside these walls and he was about to face it.
He followed the line of sight Sirius’ eyes were going and could hear the person speak as soon Sirius stopped his eyes on them. The person was-
”Black, tell them I didn't do anything”. Remus could hear Sirius’ breath hitch while Kesle looked at Sirius, like he was daring him to say any other way ” It's all a big misunderstanding right?”. Kesle continued sounding almost.. like he enjoyed seeing Sirius squirming like an insect in a bucket that was slowly filling with ice gold water, no escape left to crawl.
Remus could see and feel how disgusted Sirius was by those words, it radiated out of Sirius, the feeling of repulsion and hatred. Like the electricity building before a thunderstorm, that followed by clear sky turning as black as the night and then only lightning could be seen and rumbling heard from miles away.
Noticed how hard Sirius was squeezing his fists, like his fingers were going to break from the pressure any second now, preparing for a punch, but it never came, what came in the other hand was almost like a roar, a thunder.
”Fuck you, fuck you for thinking you would just get away with it, you bastard!” Sirius yelled like the sound of thunder caused by the lighting, unexpected, loud and heart wrenching, silencing everyone.
Remus didn't know what Kesle had done, but he certainly had chosen the wrong person to boss around, Sirius would not be tamed now or never.
James has been still as a prick beside him, staring wide eyed at everything happening, not daring to take his eyes off Sirius, just like Remus has been.
The two Aurors were slowly trying to get Kesle on the move, grabbing his shoulders to get him to move by force, but he could see Kesle’s face turn to fury, a smile so ugly replacing his face, only anticipating trouble.
”you fucking whore” Kesle grunted angrily while he was getting manhandled to move along. ”he is lying, he wanted it, i didn't force him to do anything he was whoring himself!” Kesle yelled knowingly.
James had flinched when Kesle had called Sirius a whore and Remus was now the one drawing half moons on his own palms from the pressure of squeezing them so tightly together. The other disgusting things Kesle had uttered too, had James reaching for his wand and Remus followed his lead. After James had casted a silencing spell on Kesle, Remus had automatically hexed him of the pure anger he felt, of all the things that man had spouted of his friend. Even if the things said were true or not, he was not letting anyone disrespect Sirius like that.
When no one moved after the Aurors had gotten Kesle out of the building, Remus decided to get everyone moving, because he saw how Sirius started to fidget, from all the eyes and attention on him.
“the show is over, now fuck off.” Remus raised his voice, what everyone definitely heard loud and clear as a warning, moving along whispering.
Remus saw Peter whisper something to Sirius and disappeared to the classroom momentarily, in a while handing a wand to Sirius, which Sirius grabbed like his life depended on it.
Sirius was turning to live with Peter and Remus yelped a panicked “wait!”
Which James continued with “can we talk?” sounding desperate.
Sirius just nodded, not looking at them, but added a quick “not here.”
The walk to the dorm was quiet, only Peter was talking to Sirius, whispering if he was fine and making sure he felt comfortable telling them whatever he was about to.
They seated themself on Peter’s bed, Sirius leaning to the headboard while James and Remus sat on the end of the bed and Peter on the middle side of them, giving Sirius space. When no one said anything James decided to start with a “so…”
Eyes turning to stare at Sirius to continue, who seemed to not be able to look anyone's eyes. “I just- where should i even start..” he asked miserable.
“I'm sorry.” Sirius said suddenly, looking down.
“Sirius.” Peter questioned. “No, not for that” Sirius cleared his throat, looking at Pete and then turning his gaze at Remus carefully. “For last year, for the-” Sirius stopped taking a deep breath before continuing.
“I'm so sorry Remus, i don't know why i said it, i hadn't meant to, it came out so absurdly, i hadn't even realized i had told him, until it was already too late.” Sirius said, looking at Remus, quilt filling his gray eyes and a slight understanding crossing on his face. “And I understand if you hate me and don’t want me to stay in your room.”
“Sirius, it's still your room-” Pete corrected. “yeah but-” Sirius tried to explain.
“It's fine.. you can stay.” Remus answered honestly. “totally!” James added, sounding relieved.
“And I don't hate you- I'm not angry anymore…”
well sometimes he was, sometimes, but he didn't want to be anymore.
“just hurt” he whispered. Getting a knowing nod back from Sirius and the other two boys. “But I don't think any of us could actually hate you, even if we wanted to,” he reassured Sirius with a smile crossing his own face.
Sirius looked relieved and teary eyed. “Thank you” he said waverly, “you have no idea how much i have missed you guys.”
“aww” James came to hug Sirius, “i missed you like crazy, thought i was going to die!” he exhilarated. “Told you so.” Peter whispered to Sirius, and that made Sirius huff a small laugh.
They were basically group hugging at this point and Remus remembered the actual topic they were supposed to discuss. “ermm..” he started getting everyone's attention back to the actual topic again. “What’s the deal with Kesle? He asked deliberately.
That made Sirius stiffen all of the sudden, picking the small flesh on his fingers. “Yeah, what happened?” James asked, concerned.
Sirius opened and closed his mouth once, twice, Peter saw how he was struggling to find the words. “You don't have to, if you don't want to.” he reminded Sirius.
“I just- they're probably gonna find out anyway somehow, everyone heard what he said.. so, might as well tell them myself.”
They were all listening to Sirius and letting him pick the words in time, Remus saw how this was eating Sirius up, and wished he could do something, anything to ease it.
Sirius started at the beginning, told them briefly that Walburga had just been too much this time,so he had left and the aftermath was him getting disowned.
Told them about the man on the alleyway and how he had ended up there in the first place and then that Kesle had seen him there and thought he was “whoring himself” and had become interested in Sirius.
“And last night he- he forced himself on me.. he- i -i tried to stop him- but i couldn’t-“ Sirius tried to explain until his breathing was picking up, voice shaking.
“Breath, Sirius.” Peter told him. “they get it, you don't need to go into detail.”
Sirius only nodded, putting his head between his legs, trying to calm his uneven breathing. James looked heartbroken by the news, sniffling apologetically. Remus could feel his own throat closing painfully from the agony.
From the deep guilt he could feel in his gut- the gut that had known, had seen with his very own eyes that something was off and then doing nothing of it.
Oh, how he hated being suspicious of something only it turning out to be true in the end.
They stayed there for a bit, James assuring Sirius that he was welcome to stay at the Potters when school ended and that he was always welcome there, no matter what. Peter reminded Sirius about visiting the infirmary, which he had likely postponed until now. That was where Sirius stayed for the most part of the week, healing physically at least.
Other students were whispering and coming up with their own conclusions of what had happened. And Remus would glare at them in the halls until they would stop spouting nonsense of what they knew nothing of. James would call them out and even Peter would sometimes jinx someone if he heard something outrageous that made him pissed.
End of the week moved on quickly, Remus, James and Peter at class and Sirius being at infirmary most of the time and occasionally visiting Dumbledore's office with Peter, dealing with the aftermath and getting updates of the trial Kesle was put through.
The week came to an end and the next one began like it always did, like it was supposed to, the funny way time moved on. One moment you might be living your worst nightmares, then you wake up and go on like nothing happened, but they're still there, somewhere in your deepest parts of consciousness, never actually leaving entirely.
Still life moves on, with or without the trauma you lived through to this day.