Chapter Five
Something was wrong. Remus didn’t think anything of it at first but Sirius was acting strange. At least, strange for him.
He still followed Remus around like a lost puppy but he was quieter and a quiet Sirius Black was a very concerning thing. Sometimes it felt like he was shrinking into himself but very subtly and very slowly. Half the time as they fell asleep he would talk Remus’ ears off but lately he just burrowed into Remus and laid there for hours before finally falling asleep. So, it was safe to say that Remus was worried.
Of course there was no problem with not being as loud and out there as you usually are every now and then but it was Sirius and it had been nearly two weeks of him being like this. By the time September 21st rolled around, Remus decided that it had been long enough.
He had made sure it was an afternoon when the dorm was empty. Peter was hosting a chess club meeting in Professor Flitwick's classroom and James was on his second run of the day. Remus had packed up from the library early and left Lily in charge of making sure their group got all of their homework done. He checked the map and luckily, Sirius already seemed to be in their dorm.
Remus quickly made his way to Gryffindor tower and crossed quickly through their common room and up the stairs to their dorm. He paused at the door for a moment before tentatively opening it.
Sirius was sitting on the nook next to the window with his legs dangling precariously off of the edge as he stared out at the grounds below. He didn’t look up as Remus entered but he did make room next to him so that Remus could sit. When he did sit, Sirius reached out and placed his hand lightly on top of Remus’. Ziggy Stardust was emitting from Sirius’ record player as it spun on the other side of the room.
“Padfoot?” Remus whispered.
The other boy rested his head on the window as he glanced over at Remus, “Moony.”
Remus swallowed before interlacing their fingers and saying, “Can we talk?”
Sirius visibly stiffened and fixed his posture upon hearing Remus’ question, “About what?” he asked, sounding defensive.
Remus frowned, “I’m not mad, Sirius. I swear I’m not.”
Sirius narrowed his eyes suspiciously at him, “Then why are you making that face?” he questioned.
“I’m not making a face.”
“Yes you are.”
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
Remus huffed, “I’m not making a face.”
Sirius looked unconvinced, “What do you want to talk about Remus?”
“You’re quiet,” he said.
“Pretty sure we’re having a conversation,” Sirius retorted.
Remus shook his head, “No, I mean you’ve been quieter. More than usual.”
Sirius pulled back slightly, “Moony I have not been quieter.” Remus gave him a look, “Okay maybe I have been, but what about it?”
“Are you okay?” Remus asked.
Sirius rolled his eyes, “No. Next question.”
Remus squeezed his hand, “Sirius,” his boyfriend looked up at him wearily, “Please can you just- talk to me, yeah? I’m,” he pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand, “I’m worried.”
Sirius held his gaze for a moment before breaking eye contact and going back to staring out of the window. Remus searched his face, as if he could read the way his eyes looked in the afternoon light and magically know what to say to make everything okay.
After a long moment he whispered, “Padfoot?” Sirius squeezed his hand to show that he was listening, “Can you please tell me what’s wrong? I want to help you.” Sirius didn’t respond.
“Pads?” Remus tried. This seemed to get his boyfriend's attention and Remus remembered the last time he’d used that nickname. “When was the last time you regressed?” he asked softly.
Sirius let out a soft whine at the question. “A couple of days ago,” he confessed, looking up at Remus through a thick set of eyelashes.
Remus frowned and reached out to grab hold of his other hand to, “Was James with you?” Sirius shook his head no. “Was anyone with you?” Same response. Remus leaned forward to touch their foreheads together. “You said you’d tell me,” he whispered.
Sirius shuddered and pulled back, once again avoiding Remus’ gaze, “I know.”
Remus waited for him to continue and when he didn’t he said, “Is there a reason you didn’t?”
Sirius swallowed and didn’t answer. He seemed to be getting uncomfortable so Remus dismissed the question, “You don’t have to tell me right now if you don’t want to talk about it.”
Sirius looked up at him, “Thank you.”
Remus leaned forward to place a tender kiss on his cheek. “Tell me about you. Little you,” he whispered against his skin.
Sirius nuzzled Remus’ cheek as he replied, “My age range is four to seven.”
“And you’re usually four?” Remus asked as he recalled the last conversation they’d had about Sirius’regression.
“Yes,” he answered. “Or- I don’t really know. It’s hard to tell but I’m always somewhere around there. Young child.”
Remus nodded and Sirius continued, “Technically I have some caregiver qualities but I regress too often to be a switch. Also being around other littles makes me feel small…”
“I like playing a lot. I have toys but I prefer playing outside, not that I can really do that while we’re at school,” he mumbled the last part mostly to himself.
Remus squeezed his hand, “We’ll find something,” he reassured him.
Sirius smiled sweetly back at him and resumed, “I have clothes but usually I don’t like changing into them; it takes too much time.” He paused then perked up as if suddenly remembering something, “Oh! I can still be Padfoot but I um… well I try not to change.”
The bashful look on his boyfriend’s face intrigued Remus, “And why’s that.”
Sirius gave him an angry pout and said, “No reason.”
Remus raised an eyebrow at him but dropped the subject to ask a question. “Padfoot?” The other boy looked up at him with a quizzical look on his face. “Do you want to try regressing with me?”
Sirius’ eyes widened at the suggestion and he opened and closed his mouth a few times as he tried to come up with a response.
“You can say no,” Remus reassured him. “I just thought the dorms are empty, so it’d be a good time. Especially since you’ve been regressing alone.” I want you to be able to come to me, he thought.
A light blush appeared on Padfoot’s cheeks. After a moment he gave a small nod of his head and whispered, “Yeah, can we?”
Remus delicately kissed his forehead, “Yes. Do you have any rules?”
Sirius considered the question for a moment and bit his lip, “Well, not really.” Remus gave him a pointed look, “I don’t like new people,” Sirius confessed. “Actually I get a bit skittish around anyone, so please, be nice to me?”
Remus reached a hand up to cup Sirius’ face as the other boy quickly stuttered out, “Sorry, that was a stupid question. Of course you’ll be nice, you’re bloody wonderful, and I trust you. You’re Moony, of course I trust you.” Remus captured his last words with a kiss to calm the other boy’s nerves.
“Sirius,” he whispered against his lips, “It wasn’t a stupid question. I’ll be nice.”
He felt Sirius release a soft sigh of relief as he said the name, “Remus.”
Remus pressed another quick kiss to his lips and said, “I respect you Sirius. I won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
Sirius looked up at him with a bashful smile. “Thank you.”
“What helps you regress?”
“Most times it just kinda happens but other than that I like my toys,” Sirius answered.
Remus got both of them up and walked them over to the foot of Sirius’ bed, “Wanna show me?”
Sirius perked up at the suggestion, he quickly dropped down and went to open his trunk. He carelessly tossed out his clothes and Remus made sure to grab all of them and place them in a semi-neat pile. Eventually, Sirius stopped digging and began carefully pulling little things out.
He had several Quidditch player action figures that he proceeded to go in depth about to Remus (who tried his best to follow along with his level of Quidditch knowledge). His favorite was one of the Puddlemere players who had apparently been Gryffindor captain when Frank and Alice first made the team in the Marauder’s first year. Sirius claimed she was a brilliant flier and zoomed the little figurine around in the air to demonstrate, giggling happily all the while.
He seemed to momentarily forget that Remus was there and quieted down when he re-registered the other boy's presence. He sat back down and resumed his rummaging, casting weary glances at Remus every so often, as if he was waiting for him to do something.
Eventually he came across a Gryffindor coloring book and his face seemed to light up at the sight of it. He picked it up and then frowned and set it off to the side. Remus picked it up and looked to see if there was anything wrong with it.
The coloring book seemed fine so Remus turned to Sirius, who had resumed searching his trunk. “Pads?” he asked. Sirius looked up at the sound of his name. “Do you wanna color?”
Sirius shook his head and replied, “I not good.”
Remus frowned, “What do you mean little one?”
Sirius looked up at him with a pout, “I no color ‘n lines.”
Remus nudged him as he handed him the book, “It’s more fun that way.”
Sirius gave him a bashful smile and accepted the coloring book. Remus handed him a box of crayons and Sirius flipped through the book until he settled on a picture of a roaring lion and began coloring.
He lay on his stomach with the picture in front of him and grabbed a brown crayon and pressed down hard as he colored in the lion’s mane. Remus was happy that he seemed to be enjoying himself.
When Sirius finished his Lion he clutched the book to his chest and scurried onto Remus’ bed where he had been idly reading and checking in on Sirius every so often. He put the old chocolate wrapper back into the book to hold his place and made room for Sirius on the bed, “You have something to show me?”
Sirius nodded excitedly and forced Remus to take the book as he crawled up next to him and began enthusiastically explaining his colors, “I made the sun all bright an’ yewo then I colored in the nose pink! And I made green grass on the bottom so he could stand!”
Remus looked at the drawing thoughtfully before turning to Sirius with a bright smile, “I love it,” he said.
Sirius giggled and gave him a kiss on the cheek before snuggling into his arm, “Tank you Moony!” Remus kissed the top of his head.
“Do you want Moony snuggles, Pads?” Sirius yawned and nodded in response to the question, burrowing deeper into Remus, who had wrapped his arms around the little one.
Remus held Sirius in his arms as they fell asleep.