Getting Older
November 1st, 1981
Moony,
My first and only love. You already know by now what I am doing. Peter betrayed my brother and got him killed. I have to go and look for him, ask why he did it. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I didn't do anything to stop Peter from doing this again.
This might be the last time you hear from me, and I apologise. A few years ago, I asked James to take Fabian should anything happen to me or you, but that won't be an option. That duty now has to fall to you. You are the only other person I trust to protect my Snowdrop. I need someone to be there for Fabian, but I also need someone to be there for you. There are things you know about my family, and I need you to be the one to tell Fabian. He should hear it from someone he cares about, not someone who will lie and be prejudiced.
You have every right to be annoyed at me; that is something I will never argue, but I ask you to ignore the emotions towards me and focus on my boy. My heart will always be with you and Fabian, but I must be selfish this once. It's the only option.
I'm sorry I cannot be the one to tell you this in person, and I will never forgive myself if I don't come back to you.
Remus Lupin, I love you. I love every part of you. I love your chocolate obsession, your hair, your scars. I love your humour. I love your cute smile. I love your nose wrinkles when you laugh. I will never forget any of it.
I was going to say this to you in person, but I know this letter may be the last thing you ever hear from me, so here I am writing to you:
You, Remus Lupin, came into my life when I needed you most when I was vulnerable. I had no one to care for me. I had no one to seek comfort from. Now, you are my home, my lifeline. You are my soulmate and my true love, and it is for this reason that I ask you this. Will you, Remus Lupin, make me the happiest man, wizard, muggle or otherwise, on the planet, and do me the great honour of marrying me.
In this letter, I enclose a ring. I understand you may hate me for what I am about to do, so you can do with it what you desire. Wear it, keep it, throw it in the Black Lake, give it away, sell it. It is your choice.
I'm sorry, Remus, I'll always be for the pain I will cause you.
Goodbye, my love,
Your Padfoot
---
August 4th 1982
Fabian tossed and turned in his sleep as I walked past, muttering something unintelligible in a soft voice. His face was pale, more so than usual, decorated with a thin sheen of sweat. His breath was heavy, panting and heaving with every inhale and exhale.
I quickly ran downstairs, stairs squeaking and shrieking with each step, to find a potion to help Fabian sleep. Before I reached the potions cabinet, a loud scream echoed through the house, wood amplifying the heart-breaking noise. I repeated my run in reverse, only to be greeted with Fabian, wand drawn, staring back at me, fear stamped onto his tear-soaked face.
"Fabian? It's Remus. Put the wand down. You are safe."
"No!" He screamed, "The voices are still here. I have to get rid of them."
"No one is talking, my love. It's just us, you and me. Can you still hear them?"
"They are always here!" Fabian screeched, dropping his wand and tightly gripping his ears. I quickly ran to the young boy, wrapping him in my arms before he could fall to the floor.
"Stop talking!" He sobbed as I held him tightly, repeatedly punching himself in the head.
"I'm not talking, my darling boy. I'm just going to sit here with you." I reassured quietly, moving my own hands to protect his head from the barrage of slaps and punches he rained down on himself.
"You are! I can hear you." He argued loudly, desperately trying to escape my hold.
---
August 18th 1983
"Professor Dumbledore, is everything alright?" I asked, shocked at the silver-haired man standing on my doorstep.
"I have news for you, Remus. As peculiar as it may be, Sirius has contacted me." He replied, his voice soft as he spoke.
"Please, professor, come in. Fabian should hear this as well." I quickly let the professor into my house, looking around the door to ensure no one had heard the man saying my fianc-, my boyfrie-, Sirius' name. When greeted with an empty street, I closed the door and turned to face the stairs.
"Fabian!" I shouted up to the stairs, "Come here, please. Professor Dumbledore is here to talk."
"Coming Moony. I need to finish something first." He responded quickly.
"Would you like anything to drink, professor? Water? Butterbeer? Firewhiskey?" I asked nervously, my heart pounding as I thought about what Sirius could want.
"Remus, calm yourself. It is nothing to worry yourself over. It is merely something he is requesting you to do for Fabian."
"Professor Dumbledore, is everything alright?" Fabian asked as he walked into the room.
"Yes, Fabian. Your father has contacted me." Dumbledore started, looking at Fabian's face to gauge his reaction, "He has requested that you go to the Black family's ancestral home. He wished for you to have some of his things. He wants you to have Uncle Regulus' things."
"I have his things, professor. He left everything he had that day," Fabian quickly looked away as his eyes welled with tears.
"He didn't. Fabian, he left most of what he owned in his sixth year. His mother was never a fan of him being sorted into Gryffindor. Even when he met your mother, he was the outcast. He didn't become a death eater when he turned 17, and so he left one night. He moved in with your Uncle James and his parents. He only took a few things with him when he left. He went to the Potter's in August, and you were born in January. He was never able to go back." I explained quietly.
"Why did he never tell me?" Fabian asked, his voice coated with betrayal.
"He was going to, at least when you were older. He asked me to tell you when you went to Hogwarts, but I suppose the world had other ideas." I responded, moving closer to Fabian.
"Where did he live?"
"12 Grimauld Place, in London."
"We'll go when I am ready. That's the deal." Fabian dictated.
""Okay."
---
November 3rd 1985
"Dad!" Fabian shouted as he walked towards his father's cell, myself and Dumbledore in tow.
"Fabian? What in Merlin's name are you doing here?" He replied, shocked, as Fabian ran along the Azkaban walls.
"Happy birthday, dad!" Fabian ignored his question. Instead, Fabian stood bouncing happily in front of the large cast iron bars that held Sirius inside.
I quickly caught up to Fabian, yet the quick run I had taken was impossible to compare to the loss of breath when my eyes met Sirius after 5 long years. Dumbledore held himself back, allowing myself and Fabian to see Sirius privately.
"I brought you something, Dad." Fabian pulled a small cake box from his pocket, passing it through the bars to Sirius, who took the white box and opened the box with wide eyes.
"Thank you, my boy. My little Snowdrop." Sirius smiled as he spoke, "Can you ask Professor Dumbledore if he has a fork, my Snowdrop?"
Fabian ran towards Dumbledore, allowing myself and Sirius to finally talk.
"You kept the ring." Sirius pointed out, tears in his eyes, "Does that mean..."
"No. Not yet. I can't love you like this, behind a row of bars. I have feelings for you, I care for you, hell, there are days when I roll over in bed and reach for you. But I can't love you here, not like this. I can only wish to be here with you. I hope to be here instead of you so you can raise Fabian. But I'm not. I'll always keep the ring. I'll always be with you, just not like this. Not miles away from each other with cast iron between us."
"Dad, I got the fork!" Fabian shouted as he came back, smiling like a ray of sunshine, forcing both myself and Sirius to wipe our tears away.
---
May 4th 1986
"Remus?" Fabian asked quietly, timid as he spoke, "There's someone here for you. He didn't say who he was."
"What did he look like?" I asked quickly, drawing my wand from my cardigan.
"Tall, weird eye, weird nose, wei- he was just weird." He responded as I put my wand back.
"Let him in, Nix. He's an Auror, Mad-eye Moody."
Fabian quickly scampered back to the front door to let Mad-eye in as I giggled at his actions.
"Mad-eye," He acknowledged me with a grunt, "Is everything alright?"
"The ministry sent me about magic being performed at this location."
"It was more than likely me, Mad-eye. Why would the ministry send a high-ranking Auror to check on that?"
"The type of magic being performed. There seems to be an animagus here." Fabian tried to quickly shuffle his way out of the room.
"Fabian Black, you didn't," I said, shocked.
"Well, the gig is up, I suppose." Fabian seemed to disappear. Instead, there was a small arctic fox on the floor with a sly grin plastered on its face.
"You did," I spoke, disappointment lacing my voice.
"You're mad at me?" Fabian asked, tears welling in his eyes as he hid his body in a blanket.
"Of course! Of course, I'm mad. You tried highly advanced magic that can kill you!" I shouted, the volume causing Fabian to begin shaking.
"Sorry for trying to help you, I suppose." Fabian quickly stood up from the floor, running out of the room with tears running down his face.
"Well, that answers that," Mad-eye added with an awkward cough, "I'll let you two discuss that. And the ministry will know nothing of it, merely that Minerva was here."
"Thank you, Mad-eye. I'm sorry you had to see that." I spoke, full of embarrassment.
"Remus, you need to speak to Fabian. He's got scars all over his back and stomach that look like they could be from you." I hung my head in silence as Mad-eye spoke, knowing the scars Mad-eye was talking about, scars I had given to the boy I viewed as a son. My heart broke, knowing I had shouted at the boy trying to help me.
---
May 18th 1986
"Fabian?" I asked as I knocked on his bedroom door, "Can you open the door, please? You've barely eaten for days." There was no response. There never was. Fabian seemed to have reserved himself to giving me the silent treatment.
I sighed loudly, placing a food tray on the floor beside the growing collection, "I know you are angry, and I know I shouted at you, but you need to understand why. Underage magic alone is dangerous. Imagine how I felt when I heard you had done underage animagus magic. It can cause permanent damage to your body. In some cases, animagus magic is deadly. Not only that, the ministry could have taken you away from me. I shouted because I was scared. But that doesn't mean I don't love you, Fabian. I want you to be safe." I explained as I stood outside his door, listening closely for signs of life. When there was none, I walked downstairs to sit in my usual seat, a cloud of anger over my head.
I sat for less than a second before a loud knock at the door forced me to move again.
"What?" I asked gruffly, uncaring of who I talked to.
"I believe this one is yours." A thick Scottish accent responded to my attitude, holding a small arctic fox by the scruff of its neck.
"Professor, come in, please." I moved to the side of the hallway to allow McGonigall to pass, "And Fabian, go eat some food. We need to talk," Fabian quickly scampered away to the kitchen, only to be met with a clattering of pots and pans. Minerva and I ignored the sound as Fabian again ran past, crumbs all over his snout.
"When did that one become an animagus?"
"I found out two weeks ago. Mad-eye knows. He told the ministry you were here to cover for him." I replied, head dipping with slight shame.
"And you're disappointed he did this?" McGonagall asked rhetorically, "When three of your friends did the same thing aged 14 when they were too stupid to be able to do half of their homework without copying yours?"
We stood in silence for a few minutes, staring at each other as the gravity of her words hit me.
"And trust me, he knows what you want to say. He accidentally projected a memory after sneaking into my office."
"I know, but he..." I started before being promptly cut off by a deadly stare from McGonigall.
"No buts, Lupin. He is being safe. I don't know how he figured it out, especially at the age of 9, but however he did it, it was done carefully." She stated matter-of-factly, "Now be the good parent you are and hug him. He wants you to be proud of him like you were when he was younger, not the cynical version of yourself you are starting to become."
"I'm not cynical. I'm scared. I'm not Sirius or James. He's powerful. A legillimens and an animagi. That is impressive for older wizards, never mind a child without help."
"He has help, Remus. He has been taught magic for years. He can cast a patronus, magic inconceivable to most people, but he can do it. You helped him, Sirius helped him. You have to believe you are helping him."