Chapter 13
Hogwarts, Seventh Year:
It was early November, November 3rd to be precise, and the chilly temperatures and whistling wind outside weren’t the only things giving Sirius goosebumps.
Sirius had locked himself in the bathroom and had been there for almost an hour, stuck by a window that wouldn’t close no matter how hard he shoved at it, letting all the cold air in, but really freezing to death was the least of Sirius’s concerns. You see, Sirius had locked himself in said bathroom and spent what was likely a worrying amount of time within it because he was trying to avoid something. Namely, his birthday.
It wasn’t that Sirius didn’t like birthdays, he did. For other people. He loved getting to spoil his Moony for a whole day without Remus being able to protest. He adored drinking James under the table and drunkenly playing quidditch with him and doing whatever else James wanted to do because it was his day to do whatever he pleased. Sirius annually looked forward to scaring the shit out of Peter with an elaborate surprise party that they threw for him every year on the same day but Peter still somehow never saw coming.
Birthdays for other people were one of Sirius’s favorite things. It was more his own birthday that was the problem.
His birthday, that also happened to be the anniversary of his family’s disownment. The day he watched his mother burn him off of the Black family tree then listened to her scream at him about how much of a disgrace he was. Been tossed like a piece of trash out onto the street by his father with his ivory and vantablack cane. Sirius still had the scar from it.
So no, Sirius didn’t like his birthday, and he was coping with it by spending an absolutely absurd amount of time getting ready for his date with Remus, because his Moony had insisted that he take him out. Had told him that it didn’t have to be for his birthday at all, but just a normal run of the mill date, but Sirius didn’t know how to dress for a normal run of the mill date, so as always, he overdid it.
Sirius spent a potentially excessive amount of time carefully doing what was actually a minimal amount of makeup, (having fucked up on his eyeliner three times in a row), and even longer styling his hair. Deciding to leave it down with two miniature braids in the front tied at the ends with ribbons and then added a couple of cute star shaped hair clips.
He’d brought in a large pile of clothes to decide between and tried on several outfits that were all quickly dismissed as Sirius didn’t deem them good enough. He wanted to look perfect for his Moony, who had been thoughtful enough to take him out even though Sirius wasn’t likely to be all that enjoyable company and had previously planned on spending the day holed up in the dorm trying to pretend like his birthday didn’t exist then inevitably crying because he wasn’t as pretty as the girls from his favorite muggle movies instead of crying about what he was really upset about.
But after far too much time changing then discarding over and over again Sirius was finally able to settle on a sparkly skirt and silky button up top with a pair of lacy black stockings that he really hoped would end up either ripped or tossed haphazardly on the floor by the end of the day. He put on all his favorite jewelry; his moon and star necklace, a pair of simple silver earrings, and plenty of rings (including one that his Moony had gotten him spontaneously one day that Sirius now wore everywhere) then decided that he could only avoid his birthday for so long.
Sirius took in a steadying breath before entering the world once again and mustered enough strength to root through his closet for his favorite pair of black leather boots before dashing down to Hogsmeade to meet Remus.
Unfortunately Sirius hadn’t really dressed for the cold, which he only realized once he was halfway there and wrapping his arms around himself for warmth. But his outfit was perfect, perfect aside from the fact that it did nearly nothing to protect him from the elements, and Sirius really didn’t want to go back up to the dorm and change. Picking the outfit out in the first place had been agonizing enough.
Thinking about the people who were supposed to be his family was agonizing enough.
Though before he knew it Sirius was inside the three broomsticks—where Remus had asked to meet him—and engulfed enough in the heat coming from the fireplaces, not to mention the warmth that came from seeing his Moony, that he forgot all about dressing inappropriately for the weather. That he could almost forget about the Blacks too.
Remus stood by what had come to be ‘their spot’—a table with a cozy couple of armchairs near the corner by one of the fireplaces—smiling broadly as soon as he saw Sirius walk through the door, and it took all Sirius had in him not to sprint straight into his boyfriend’s arms. To walk over to Remus at a normal speed and wait until then to fling his arms around his Moony and nuzzle his face into his neck, feeling himself melt into him and smile just as broadly as Remus had when he did.
Sirius hadn’t realized how much stress he had been carrying until Remus squeezed him fondly and placed a kiss to the area between Sirius’s shoulder and neck and he felt it all dissolve. Until he felt safe, wanted, and cared for like he never had in the house that he had run away from then been kicked out of.
Inexplicably, Sirius found himself crying, as quietly as he could as he tried to prevent Remus from hearing it, but still crying nonetheless. He wasn’t even sure why, because he was happy, safe in his boyfriend’s warm and protective arms, but he hadn’t been for so long and everything horrible that was associated with Sirius’s birthday all came crashing down on top of him until it became too much to carry.
He only barely noticed as Remus moved them somewhere more private—a corner partially secluded by curtains—and ran a soothing hand up and down his back, held Sirius close and let him get it all out. Remus always seemed to know what Sirius needed without ever having to ask, although really all Sirius could focus on at the moment was doing all he could not to collapse in on himself, to steady himiself enough to breathe properly so he could stop crying and ruining the date that his boyfriend had so thoughtfully set up for them.
“’M- I’m sorry,” Sirius got out when he managed to gather himself enough for words to be able to come out. “Just-,” he broke off, unable or unwilling to properly articulate how he was feeling, the darkness that always seemed to follow him no matter how hard he ran. He felt like shit for ruining their date not even a minute into it, destroying everything before it began, and fully expected Remus to be frustrated or angry with him for it. Sirius would more than understand if he was.
But Remus just placed an understanding hand over the back of his head and held him closer. Kept his voice warm and quiet for Sirius when he spoke next.
“Shh, I know love,” Remus twined his fingers through Sirius’s dark curls, getting Sirius to relax more into him. “It’s alright, I’ve got you.” Sirius nodded and took a shaky breath against him, trying to get himself under control. Except the memories were flooding back and he struggled to shut them out.
“They-” Sirius broke off tearily, wanted to shake himself out of it but couldn’t.
“They don’t deserve you. Never have.” Remus determined firmly, still warm though as he held him. “They’re idiots for rejecting you, and monsters for what they did to you. And they’re never going to hurt you again if I have anything to say about it.” He paused to press a kiss to the top of Sirius’s head and softened his voice before continuing. “I know it’s hard, love. I know how strong you are, but this doesn’t have to be just yours to carry. Let me take some of it for you.” Remus pulled away to look Sirius in the eyes, held his face gently and Sirius sniffled then nodded, not quite pulled together enough for words yet.
Earned himself a kiss, warm, proud, and sweet until his boyfriend pulled away with a grin on his face. So earnest when he said,
“You deserve to be happy Sirius.” And oh, how Sirius wanted to be. How he wanted to be able to believe him. How he wanted to be exactly as happy as Remus wanted him to be so that Remus could be that happy too. But Sirius wasn’t sure that he could. So he offered something close enough. A sappy, somewhat wet,
“You make me happy, Moons.”
. . .
Present Day:
Unexplainably nervous about the coming night (and also maybe the possibility that Remus would change his mind and not let Sirius sleep in his room with him), Sirius knocked on Remus’s door. Still in his Moony’s sweater and covered in his Moony’s marks, Sirius selfishly hoped that even if Remus didn’t want him there anymore that Moony would and would temporarily overrule him. It was horrible, Sirius knew that, and he felt bad about wishing for it, but the chance to once again be able to sleep in the warm security of Remus’s arms was too enticing not to pray for. To grasp at any and every string and make horrible wishes for.
Sirius forced himself to knock on the door and only seconds later it opened to Moony. His Moony. Because they were close enough to the full that Remus was all but forced to give Moony the reins for the most part. Sirius gulped at the blatant way that Remus took him in, shamelessly let his eyes wander over Sirius’s bare skin—because he had taken off his bottoms for sleep and was only in the sweater Remus had put on him and a pair of women’s panties that he had gotten on he and Remus’s shopping trip. Sirius only just managed to remember that he had to say something.
“I- I don’t know if you meant it, um, earlier, when you said I could sleep in with you tonight,” he stumbled over his words as Remus’s hand landed on his hip, right over where his underwear was as Remus looped a finger underneath the strand, pulling Sirius closer to him and inside the room, smiling at him both lustfully and fondly.
“I did,” Remus stopped Sirius before he could ramble any further. Gave Sirius a quick but nonetheless intoxicating kiss before pulling away. “You’re more than welcome here baby.”
And oh. Sirius was more than welcome. He had no idea what to do with that but it left him dazed, Sirius following Remus into the room feeling a little less unsure as Remus—who seemed to have Moony slightly more on the backburner than earlier that day—let his hand linger on the small of Sirius’s back and the pleasant touch eased Sirius’s nerves even more.
Remus was more assertive this time when he took him to bed, seemed to want him there more, and Sirius really hoped that he was reading things right and Remus actually did want him there as much as he seemed to.
He arranged Sirius comfortably on his side, and even allowed Sirius to wrap his arm around him as Remus did the same with one of his and found the same spot he had found the night of the storm—the softer area of Sirius’s hip, underneath the sweater Remus had given him—and ran his hand from there to Sirius’s waist and back. Squeezed Sirius’s waist to pull him closer, making Sirius gasp at the unexpected and firm hold.
Remus, or Moony rather—because these advances couldn’t be coming purely from Remus himself, Sirius reasoned—let out a grumble of satisfaction and a low chuckle that nearly made Sirius blush.
“Still so responsive,” Remus noted, seemingly more to himself, and Sirius did blush then—felt his cheeks heat up miserably and buried his face in the crook of his Moony’s neck. Muttered a slightly muffled and somewhat embarrassed,
“Fuck off,” from where he was hiding away in. Remus’s grip on him tightened in response, and not approvingly. And Sirius knew it was Moony who growled,
“Is that the way you talk to me?” Scolded really, eyes dark and unimpressed, and Sirius was quick to bring his head up to shake it quickly, only then remembering to behave around the fulls.
“It’s not, Moons, I’m sorry,” he apologized and Moony hummed like he didn’t really believe him. Sirius hoped he would remind him of his place in the way he used to… let his hands wander farther down than just Sirius’s waist. He didn’t get that though, Remus simply tutted at him as if he was holding something back, as if he wanted to do more but wasn’t letting himself.
“Watch that pretty mouth of yours,” Remus reminded him warningly, bringing his mouth closer to Sirius’s ear before adding, “or you might just find yourself regretting it,” much more tersely. Part of Sirius wanted to find himself regretting it—enjoying the dirty insinuation while he did—, but a bigger part of Sirius really just wanted to please his Moony, who was already dealing with so much, and knew it would be selfish to push him just so Sirius could revel in whatever punishment Remus had in mind.
“I- I will,” Sirius got out breathily, and Remus nodded once then left it at that. Hummed in satisfaction this time and let it go.
It fell silent between them as Remus loosened his grip on Sirius and wordlessly massaged over the area he had squeezed him, as Remus tended to after he had felt he had been a little too rough with him, and Sirius allowed himself to close his eyes and enjoy it. That is until dozens of forbidden questions took over his mind and poured out of his mouth, interrupting the peace between them because Sirius didn’t know how to stop himself from blurting them out. The first of which was far too pushy and unwarranted.
“Did you miss me-” Sirius kicked himself internally, wanted to shut up but wanted to know the answer too so he let himself finish. “While I was gone? I know it’s not fair to ask, and I’m sorry Moons, I really am, but- I missed you so much. Wanted to cry every day cuz I felt so bad and I missed you so much and I was just wondering if maybe-” and fuck, Sirius shouldn’t still be talking. Shouldn’t be admitting as much as he was. He was the one that left. He didn’t have any right to whine about the repercussions of that. Nor did he have any right to ask Remus if he missed him after he had so recklessly broken his heart. “-if,” Sirius finished more quietly, “if you missed me too.”
Remus’s whole body tightened at the question, his hand stopping its soothing movement at Sirius’s waist, but surprisingly, he didn’t shove Sirius off. Just answered his question tersely, but calmly.
“You don’t get to ask me that yet Sirius.” He clarified, not unkindly, but very much on the edge of being so. “Don’t fucking apologize for it, just don’t ask again.” Remus interjected before another apology could fall from Sirius’s lips. “Any other questions with obvious fuckin’ answers, baby, or is that it?” Remus finished, raising a brow curiously at Sirius. With obvious answers, the words repeated themselves over and over again in Sirius’s head as he tried to figure out what they meant, whether they implied that Remus did or didn’t miss him. Whether the answer was really so obvious in the first place, regardless of what it was.
“I don’t know,” Sirius responded stupidly—honestly, because he did have more questions that would probably be better to keep to himself. “I don’t know how obvious the answers would be.” He found himself admitting, looking up to meet Remus’s eyes, which looked more patient than they previously had been. “I don’t have to ask them.” Sirius amended impulsively. Didn’t want to push, didn’t want to be too much. Remus was already being so patient and understanding with him.
Remus took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling like he was contemplating something, going through some sort of internal debate before he met his eyes again.
“Go ahead and ask ‘em Sirius. They’d be a good distraction.” Remus decided and pressed into one of the marks he had left on Sirius earlier, causing Sirius to suck in a sharp breath in surprise.
“A- distraction-?” Sirius gasped somewhat dumbly when Remus pressed more firmly into another one that was more sensitive. And Remus didn’t even blink before answering him, voice completely nonchalant when he spoke.
“From treating you like the desperate little cock whore I know you are.” Remus held Sirius’s face in his hand and brushed his thumb over his bottom lip, pulling it down just a bit before letting it go. It took everything in Sirius not to take Remus’s thumb into his mouth—to suck on it like he wanted to suck on Remus. Because Remus didn’t actually want to fuck him. Moony did, and that was very different.
Still Sirius leaned into the touch and accidentally whined a little when Remus’s hand was taken away. When Remus carried on like he hadn’t just implied that there was a possibility of him giving Sirius what he wanted.
“Go on then love, fire away.” Remus prompted, but Sirius had forgotten all his questions, and figured it was for the best anyway, all of them now replaced with thoughts of Moony using him for his own pleasure—treating Sirius like the cock whore he knew that Sirius was—and was so overtaken with want that he couldn’t think of anything to ask but,
“Are you ever going to treat me like that, to fuck me? Because I want you to Moons, so you don’t have to hold back anymore.”
Remus answered with a kiss, lustful and all engulfing, his tongue exploring Sirius’s mouth and his hand pushing Sirius more closely into him by his lower back, making Sirius moan as the pressure added friction on his hardening dick.
“You had to wear these slutty little panties,” Remus groaned huskily when he pulled away, slipping his hand underneath the string on the side of it before crashing his lips into Sirius’s again. Growling, “fuck, take ‘em off.” And Sirius obeyed immediately, practically flung them across the room because Remus was finally going to fuck him.
“On your back and spread your legs,” Remus instructed gruffly as he adjusted Sirius partially himself, shorter with his words because Moony was more present in him. Sirius went to remove Remus’s sweater from him too but Remus shook his head and went to stop him.
“Leave it on,” he demanded, eyes yellowing and hardening around the edges. Sirius was quick to obey. He could feel himself getting harder and wetter by the minute, helpless to his Moony’s ministrations as he opened him up with his tongue. Remus licking around inside him and pulling out lewd sounds from Sirius already.
“M-Moons,” Sirius whined as Remus added a finger without warning, curled it up and made Sirius arch his back at the feeling of it. Remus hummed in approval and Sirius felt the vibrations over his slightly spasming hole.
“Please- please fuck me-” Sirius begged mindlessly when one finger became two, and Moony landed a harsh slap on his thigh for it. A condescending chuckle that only made Sirius feel all the more desperate and gooey inside.
“I am fucking you, darling,” Remus reminded him lowly, Sirius bucking his hips up with a moan only to have them harshly pushed back down, Sirius releasing a breathless,
“Please,” before Remus kissed him and shut him up. Made him whimper when he pinched a nipple tightly then let go.
Then Remus pulled back completely, removed his fingers from Sirius and got off the bed to root around in his dresser for a while. Sirius couldn’t hold back what he was sure was a very heavy pout, nor a saddened,
“Re,” from leaving him, mourning the sudden absence rather pitifully.
“Be patient, Pads,” Remus responded over his shoulder, then more to himself, “there it is,” before he returned with Sirius’s collar. The collar that Sirius had almost forgotten about— that he was amazed that Remus still had. A soft black leather one with a silver crescent moon charm that Remus only used to put on Sirius when it was close to the full. When Moony needed more than just hickeys to mark Sirius as his.
Sirius’s jaw dropped as Remus strolled over and wordlessly placed that collar over his neck, taking care not to fasten it too tightly before smoothing his thumb over the moon charm and kissing right above where the collar sat on the side of Sirius’s neck.
He pulled away to admire his work and Sirius almost felt floaty at the way Remus held his jaw and raked his eyes over him, like Sirius was some kind of forbidden fruit Remus couldn’t help himself from taking a bite right out of.
“How do you feel about using that mouth of yours for something productive, baby?” Remus cooed at him with false pity when Sirius accidentally rutted into the mattress, desperate for any sort of friction. Went to untie his pajama bottoms and Sirius really hoped that Remus was offering what he thought he was. Because that was so much better than being fingered but not to completion.
“You mean…” Sirius breathed hopefully, eyes fixed on the clothed bulge of his Moony’s cock. Remus chuckled at him fondly then arranged Sirius so that he was on his knees before him, dropped his pants and underwear too before humming in confirmation.
“You wanted to be helpful, love.” Remus adjusted his hand to rest partially in Sirius’s hair. Sirius felt nearly delirious as he wrapped his lips around Moony's cock, moaning lightly at the taste of it—the blissful and familiar warmth that he hadn’t had in so long. Only seconds later Sirius was sucking more of him in, just in case Remus changed his mind and took it away from him. Sirius wanted to enjoy as much of his Moony as possible while he had him, moaning appreciatively when Remus bucked his hips into him.
“Thought you’d like that,” he heard Remus comment, prompting Sirius to stare up at him and bat his lashes pleadingly for more. Was already so drunk on Remus’s cock that he couldn’t think of anything else. Was greedy for it, drooling around his length as Remus gradually began to fuck into his mouth more, groaned in apperciation as Sirius hallowed his cheeks around him then pulled on Sirius’s hair, Sirius whining at the roughness of it.
“Fuck, forgot how good your mouth is,” Remus remarked distractedly and Sirius forced himself to take him whole. Pushed past his gag reflex until he’d fit Moony's entire length so delightfully in his mouth but teared up a bit when he ended up gagging around it anyway. Slightly disappointed in himself when he couldn’t take it all as well as he wanted to.
But Moony just threw his head back with a moan then smiled at him warmly, not bothering to wipe the tears away from Sirius’s face as he did. Held Sirius where he was and cooed at Sirius as he whimpered in content. Waited until Remus’s grip loosened then took him again, gagged like he had the first time but didn’t mind it as much with his Moony looking at him so fondly.
“Such a good boy for me, love,” Remus praised, his voice deep and gravelly and sending a shiver up Sirius’s spine. “Favorite fuckin’ whore.”
And then Remus was fucking into Sirius’s mouth in earnest, using him solely for his own pleasure, and it was exactly what Sirius had wanted. Something so right and grandly surreal about Sirius finally being able to have him again. To drool around his Moony's cock and forget everything outside of it, to gag and sob and get no pity because Remus knew just how much Sirius loved the sensation.
How it left him whining for more and relishing how Remus’s thrusts became more and more uneven as he neared his orgasm, curses leaving him sporadically with bits of praise. And there was nothing Sirius wanted more than to have his come down his throat.
To feel his mind go fuzzy at the salty taste of Remus’s precum, at the harsh yank at Sirius’s hair that he moaned wantonly at. Sobbed for more of Remus despite having his entirety down his throat.
“That’s it, baby, cry for my cock,” Moony cooed patronizingly and Sirius could only whine in response, blissed out and somehow still needy. It was the best feeling imaginable, the highest honor Sirius could think of, being used by his Moony until his mind went blank and all his pleasure was derived from the warm thick cock in his mouth. The now throbbing cock in his mouth, and Sirius sucked more earnestly as he met every one of Remus’s thrusts, determined to get his Moony off and if he was lucky get to taste some of it.
It didn’t take long before Remus was pouring warm fluid into Sirius, slower and sloppier with his movements and Sirius happily tried to swallow as much of it as he could, but was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of it—always more around the full—and felt some of his Moony’s come leak out when Remus pulled away from him, scooped up the come that Sirius had spilled and thoughtfully fed it to him. Let Sirius suck his fingers clean of any remains of it and moan softly around them as Remus sat down on the bed beside him and pulled Sirius onto his lap. Much gentler and sweeter with him now.
“Did so well for me, pretty thing,” Remus pressed a kiss to Sirius’s temple, and Sirius hummed in content but pouted when there wasn’t any more come for him to lick up. Remus planted a kiss on his lips, soft and proud, before moving Sirius downwards to fix his little ‘problem’ for him. “You can clean up my cock if you’d like, darling,” Remus offered, his voice smooth and warm as he did.
Eagerly, Sirius licked every leftover drop of come from his Moony’s now softening cock, hazy and happy in Remus’s arms when he finished and Remus pulled him back up to his lap. Pressed a kiss behind his ear then let Sirius slump into him before giving attention to Sirius’s long abandoned hole. Circling a wet finger around his entrance that made Sirius gasp but also feel a bit ungrateful and greedy.
“You- you don’t have to Moons-” Sirius sighed softly as Remus entered him anyway, despite Sirius being more than happy just to get to suck his Moony off—to be able to taste so much of his release afterwards. “Jus’ wanted to make you feel good- don’t need-” Sirius was cut off by a strung out whine as Remus curled his fingers perfectly inside him, Remus placing an almost chaste kiss to his neck as he began to work Sirius over more.
“Sweetest boy,” Remus murmured into his skin, rumbling against Sirius’s neck, “not even wanting a reward…”
Sirius wanted to say that he had already gotten his reward, that he didn’t need more, but ended up moaning loudly and arching into Remus when his two fingers became three instead, wrapping his arms around Remus’s neck for stability.
“Moons,” it was really more of a whimper than a word when Sirius released it and Remus held him still with one arm while he made a mess out of Sirius with the other. Broken breaths as he curled his fingers inside Sirius then scissored him open, alternating in a way that left Sirius weak, his dick weeping and begging to come.
“There we are, love. Just take it for me.” Remus stroked up and down Sirius’s back, left a few kisses over Sirius’s shoulder where the sweater had slipped down enough to reveal bare skin.
“Ah, please,” and a partially slurred “feels so good,” left Sirius in hapless whimpers and whines with endless cries for his Moony, Sirius lost in the luxury of falling apart on Remus’s fingers, of losing himself in Moony’s lap. Remus’s voice interjected every so often to keep him lost in it. Drenching him in warm kisses and honeyed words that got Sirius closer and closer to his peak.
Until Sirius had spilled on Remus just like Remus had spilled on him, warm and wet against his Moony as Remus kissed him in satisfaction, sweet with Sirius in a way that made him even more lightheaded than he already was.
Remus let Sirius rest against him until he regained his breath then scooped Sirius up and brought him to the bathroom, running a bath but letting Sirius continue to cling to him while he did, his forehead moving to press against Sirius’s when he asked,
“Doing alright, darling?” And Sirius could only smile and nod in confirmation, so much better than alright, so much better than good, except he didn’t know how to explain it. Still somewhat out of his mind and trying not to say the three words on the tip of his tongue that he knew he shouldn’t let out, the words echoing in his head nonetheless. Love you Moony, like a prayer Sirius knew had to be left unsaid, at least for now.
“Thanks for bein’ so good to me, Re.” Came out instead, Sirius’s voice still hoarse and a bit ruined, but audible regardless and Remus looked like he was about to say that Sirius didn’t need to thank him for it so Sirius leaned up to kiss him before he could. Pressed all his love into the kiss because he couldn’t convey it in words and allowed Remus to take over when he thought that he had properly conveyed it.
Sirius felt vulnerable, a little unsteady at the admission when Remus pulled away from him, still slightly spacey from his orgasam and the lingering taste of come in his mouth. Was hardly aware of Remus moving him to the bath until he was in it, warm water up to his chest as Remus held him.
“Can’t think of anyone who deserves it more, love,” Remus replied matter of factly when he had Sirius situated. More quietly—under his breath and only just audible—added, “my sweetest star.”