Chapter 11
After the rabbit encounter and their cleanup in the bathroom Sirius had been remarkably quiet, which was notable because Sirius wasn’t exactly the quiet sort. Usually much too vibrant and free for any of that. But since Remus had witnessed him with the rabbit, carefully cleaned the blood off of Sirius’s hands and face, his star had been avoiding all eye contact and even the slightest hint of conversation. It was like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and Remus was left to his own devices desperately trying to figure out how to convince Sirius that it wouldn’t. That there wasn’t an ‘other shoe’ to drop in the first place. Because for Remus something as trivial as what he witnessed in the backyard could never take away what he felt for Sirius. Fuck, three years of abandonment and heartbreak couldn’t change what he felt for Sirius. Remus highly doubted that anything would. Even if at some points he had wished that something could.
Remus had tried a few times to bring it up with Sirius, all being unsuccessful. Once in the kitchen, cleaning up the mess they had left from making cookies. Sirius had wanted to help, and usually Remus wouldn’t have let him, but his star seemed especially torn up and vulnerable right then so he had allowed it.
“You know that I forgive you, right love? For anything you feel like you need to be forgiven for.” Remus planted a short kiss on the top of Sirius’s head, but Sirius frowned guiltily like he didn’t think he deserved it. “But what happened in the backyard, that’s not something that you need my forgiveness for.”
When all he had gotten in return was a shaky breath in and out as Sirius focused a little over-intently on his job washing the mixing bowl, Remus tried again.
“It’s alright Pads, it really is. I’m not mad at you and you haven’t scared me away.” Remus put what he thought would be a soothing hand on Sirius’s back, but it seemed to be the opposite of that when Sirius leaned into his shoulder and weakly apologized over and over under his breath.
When it got to about the third ‘I’m sorry’ Remus felt the need to intervene.
“You have nothing to be sorry for love. No reason for apologies.” But Sirius just shook his head and ran away.
About an hour or so later Sirius had brushed past Remus in the living room and Remus had caught him by the arm so he couldn’t escape, trying to talk to him again.
“You don’t need to be ashamed darling. Not with me.” He let his hand slide gently down to Sirius’s delicate wrist, loosened his hold so as not to make his star feel trapped, praying internally that his words would break through to him. They seemed fall on deaf ears however when all it earned Remus was a pair of sad eyes and a shame filled,
“Moons,” that broke off at the end, Sirius reluctantly pulling his wrist out of Remus’s grip and walking away. Only a couple of steps past him Remus had heard a poorly muffled sniffle.
Yet again, at dinner—Remus having gone out of his way to make Sirius’s favorite meal (which involved an extra trip to the grocery store for the ingredients)—Remus had made an effort, being extra gentle with him just in case.
“Sirius, whatever you need from me, even if you don’t know what that is yet, I need you to know that you have it. That I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to let me be.” Remus didn’t try to reach across the table to hold Sirius’s hand, despite wanting to. This time he didn’t want his touch to cause Sirius to break down and run away. Not again.
“I- Moons, I dunno if I can,” Sirius looked between Remus and his food guiltily, biting down on his lip as it started to quiver. Remus didn’t know what the right thing to say was but knew that he didn’t want to be the one to push Sirius from the edge of tears to actually crying. He wondered if the problem, the origin of Sirius’s guilt, was the food itself, if he had put the wrong kind on the table, so Remus—as gently as he could—changed tactics.
“I caught some rabbits this afternoon, love. Built a pen for them in the backyard too. I know me being there was hard for you, and I figured hunting ‘em down might’ve been too, so- well I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ll let you eat in private now. And I wanted to do what I could to make that easier for you. I don’t have to clean you up afterwards either, if that’s too much.” Remus thought it quite plausible that he had said too much, or said the wrong thing somewhere in there, because Sirius just stared at him, baffled. But then Sirius looked so touched, and a small smile worked its way onto his face, and when Sirius teared up a little Remus thought it might not be the bad kind of tears.
“Re…” Sirius was out of his chair and on Remus’s side of the table in less than a second. Because sometimes actions spoke louder than words. Then Sirius flung his arms around Remus and kissed him. Further proof of the theory. The kiss was wet and interrupted by a few smiles and sniffles but Remus held his star close, arms secure around his frame and made sure he pulled him back in every time Sirius briefly broke away.
“I thought-” Sirius got out breathlessly when he pulled back for a moment, wiping a few tears from his eyes. The happy kind. “I don’t know what I thought, but-” Remus patiently waited as Sirius continued to speak, giving a slight hum to show he was listening.
“You’re so sweet to me, Moons. I don’t know why I thought you wouldn’t be about this. I-” Sirius bit his lip and looked away before letting it go and continuing more softly. “I guess I was just scared.” It was whispered, but Remus heard it, knew it was more than that. That Sirius had been worried, guilty, and ashamed too, but scared was all he could manage right now. And Remus was proud that he did, proud enough to kiss him again. Warm and less wet than before, Remus did his best to convey all his love and acceptance through it. His pride too, because he really was proud of Sirius, who had such a hard time talking about those deeper feelings of his, for coming forward and admitting to Remus that he was scared. Accepting his help even though he wasn’t sure if he could.
“Thank you for telling me that darling,” Remus spoke smoothly when he pulled away, still holding Sirius close regardless of breaking the kiss. Seemingly done with hard conversations for the night, Sirius nodded wordlessly and let his head fall into Remus’s shoulder, hiding away in it. Remus held him closer and smiled in that dumb fond way that always made him roll his eyes when he saw it on other people. He rolled his eyes at himself then decided that it was fine when he did it.
. . .
Hogwarts, Seventh Year:
Sirius was cold.
Anyone who didn’t know Sirius may ask Remus how he knew Sirius was cold, but anyone who did would know that the answer was rather obvious. Remus knew that Sirius was cold because Sirius had told him. Many times. Loudly. With puppy eyes, dramatics, whining, pouting, climbing all over Remus then stomping away for all of three seconds before hurrying back, and the like. Acted like he was dying because he had gotten a bit chilly.
The first time Sirius had complained of a chill, Remus hadn’t thought much of it, and offered to solve his problem without blinking an eye.
“Grab one of my sweaters then, love.” He’d answered casually.
“But Mooooons,” Sirius brought in his pout, climbed up onto Remus’s lap just to complain again. “I’m cold,” he further emphasized. And not knowing that this would continue to go on for what felt like the better part of half an hour, Remus had simply repeated himself.
“Sweater, Pads. Yours or mine. Put one on.”
“I’m too cold for sweaters Re.” Sirius shook his head. Next had been a long list of dramatic metaphors, saying he would surely freeze to death, as well as several repetitions of how Remus was so warm and he was being so cruel to him by letting him freeze. And Sirius was pretty and amusing him so Remus had let it go on unnecessarily. He already knew how to solve Sirius’s ‘problem’, he just wanted to watch him kick up a fuss first.
After about the fifth ‘I’m dying Moons’ Remus interjected again.
“Baby, I’ve told you you can put on one of my sweaters. I’ll give you the one I’m wearing if you want. You’re on my lap and we’re right by the fireplace. I hardly think you’re dying.”
“The fire can’t warm me,” Sirius exaggerated as he stretched out on Remus’s lap. “Onlyyou can.”
“A real conundrum seein’ as you’re so far away from me.” Remus deadpanned.
“Not close enough…” And, yeah, now it was getting a bit annoying.
“You’re being a brat.” Remus warned. Sirius pouted tremendously, eyes getting wide and apologetic in a way that toed the line between false and genuine.
“‘M sorry Moons,” Sirius gave up his game. Spoke more softly for the next part. “Only wanted to be close to you, is all. But I really was cold.” Remus wasn’t sure if his star sounded fully remorseful but decided that he couldn’t quite be annoyed with him either way. Sirius was always bad at asking for what he wanted, or possibly unaware that he could, which led to him throwing a bit of a fit instead of properly communicating his wants and needs.
Wordlessly Remus tucked Sirius underneath the sweater that he was wearing, pulled the collar of it over Sirius’s head and made sure he was pulled in close to his chest.
“Still cold?” Remus inquired, and having gotten what he’d wanted, Sirius hummed blissfully,
“Not anymore,” Remus ran a hand up and down Sirius’s side, keeping him warm in a more complete capacity. Sirius melted into it, and into Remus with a soft sound that Remus knew was one of satisfaction, then a happy murmur of,
“Thanks Re,” before Sirius cozied himself into Remus about as contentedly as Remus had ever seen him. Remus leaned his head down to kiss what ended up being the bridge of Sirius’s nose and right before his star could drift off to sleep Remus whispered,
“Love you,” just to send him off to dreamland with a smile. But Sirius wasn’t quite there yet so he snapped his eyes open with a grin.
“Even when I’m a brat?” Remus sighed and nodded in resignation.
“Even when you’re a brat,” he confirmed.
Happy with his victory, Sirius closed his eyes. Murmured,
“Love you too Moons.” And Remus couldn’t help thinking how lucky he was, to have the sweetest boy in the world so deeply in love with him. To have Sirius cuddled as close to Remus as he could get, throwing a completely falsified fit just so he could be. His star was so blissfully happy and content to just be with him, and Remus didn’t think he was all that outstanding company. But Sirius did, always did. Even if Remus was in a crabby mood or exhausted because of the moon, Sirius still wanted to be with him, to be as close to him as he could get, and it made every part of Remus want to keep him there. Keep Sirius sated and sweetly hanging onto him for as long as he possibly could.
And Remus knew right there that he would do anything for Sirius, that Sirius was it for him and always would be. That he would endure anything that his star threw at him, love Sirius for all his mistakes and misdeeds, because Sirius did that for him, and he deserved the same in return.
So as Sirius nuzzled into the crook of his neck with a happy hum Remus made a promise to himself to always be there for him. To be there despite any previous obligations or potential inconveniences, knowing that his star would always be more important.
His star, who shone more brilliantly and brightly than all the rest. Who Remus was so unavoidably and eternally dedicated to. It was something that felt like fate, and some days Remus thought it was strong enough that it may as well be.
. . .
Present Day:
With only three days until the full moon, and Sirius closer to him than he had been in years, Remus knew that his control over his most basal urges, over the wolf, was fading fast.
Each time Sirius so much as entered the same room as him it took everything in Remus to restrain himself from touching him. From marking him, leaving dark purple love bites all up and down Sirius’s pretty aristocratic neck to show the world that Sirius was his. It took far too much energy not to kiss Sirius yet again, leave him amazed and out of breath, and even more energy not to bend him over right where he was and fuck him. To fill Sirius up with his come until he absolutely reeked of Remus, and there was no confusing who he belonged to.
But it was too soon, things were too delicate between them, and Sirius deserved more than just a frenzied fuck solely for the purpose of Remus claiming him. Selfishly leaving his mark on someone who wasn’t entirely his yet, giving the wolf what he wanted just because it was easier—would be a lot less painful if he did.
But since he couldn’t, since it wouldn’t be right to give in and risk hurting his star both physically and emotionally, Remus found himself looking for an excess of touch to sate his overwhelming want. Because if he couldn’t fuck Sirius, at least he could have him close to him. That would have to be good enough. And at times Remus thought it really may be, because Sirius was all too happy to oblige, and even happier to be in Remus’s arms. At others, however, it felt like the kindest sort of torture because Remus wanted more, so much more, and was so close to having it.
And yet, he had to endure his star’s soft lips brushing behind his ear and not act on it. Not turn it into more. When every part of him told Remus that acting on it was exactly what he should do. That if Sirius was really his then now was the time to show it. But no, now was not the time to show it, now was just the time Remus was at his horniest, which was very different.
Sirius was sucking a sweet little mark into the underside of Remus’s jaw, kissing over the skin there and eliciting a deep groan from Remus. Of course Sirius had to fucking tempt him when he was right over the edge already.
“Fuck, you can’t be doing that love,” Remus tightened his grip on Sirius’s hips in warning. Sirius, who was comfortably draped over Remus’s lap, was all but undeterred. Determined to leave his mark on Remus and only pulling back from it briefly to gain Remus’s permission to continue.
“But, Moons,” Sirius stared up at him adoringly, not complaining or whining, just longing and a little disappointed. Pressed a sad couple of little goodbye kisses to the spot on Remus’s neck that he had been so dedicated to. And why did Sirius have to do that? That certainly didn’t help Remus keep his resolve.
Remus closed his eyes and leaned his head back for a moment to try to conserve at least a shred of his strength.
“I know you think you’re helping but you’re playing with fire, Sirius,” Remus got out somewhat tensely.
“I like playing with fire,” Sirius placed his fingers at the back of Remus’s neck and ran them through his hair. “If it’s your fire.” He explained with a bit of a pout. Remus locked his jaw tightly. Told himself no over and over again in his head. Not like this. Not right now.
“And I would be helping, if you’d let me.” Sirius continued with a pull at Remus’s hair and a gentle kiss over Remus’s hairline near his temple. “I’m not trying to make things harder for you, Re. Just saying that you’d feel a lot better if you did everything that you want to do to me instead of holding yourself back so much. That I’d enjoy it if you did.”
Remus stood up swiftly and without warning, removing Sirius from his spot on his lap and placing him not so gently on the couch cushions beside him instead. Remus did all he could to conceal what he was sure was a rapidly growing boner with a pillow that he picked up from the couch.
“You can’t be saying that shit to me so close to the full, Sirius. I’ve talked to you about this before.” Remus all but growled, voice dangerous and really only softened enough to keep Remus from yelling. The tone however, was one of barbed impatience. Remus would feel bad about it, but he had bigger problems to deal with at the moment, so he focused on getting himself back under control and sat back down on the opposite side of the sofa from Sirius.
“I’m sorry,” Sirius uttered regretfully, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. Remus shook his head in dismissal. Sirius didn’t need to be sorry.
“It’s not your fault love, it’s the wolf’s. It’s mine. I know you said that you trust Moony but I’m not ready to trust him yet. Not with you.” Remus reached his hand out for Sirius to hold if he wanted to, and eagerly, his star took it, looped his fingers through Remus’s and squeezed tightly for reassurance. Remus squeezed him right back, even allowed himself to scooch just a tad bit closer. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you Sirius. I’m sorry.”
A sad smile tugged at Sirius’s lips and he looked at their intertwined hands for a while as if he was considering saying something, brows furrowed in deep thought. Softly, Remus smoothed his thumb over the back of Sirius’s hand, doing so in circular motions until his star was willing to speak up again. Remus was happy enough in the silence anyway. It felt like a comfortable one.
Eventually, Sirius made a contemplative hum then looked back up at Remus, looking slightly less torn.
“I don’t know what to say now Moons,” Sirius delicately admitted, “Cuz I probably shouldn’t say that I want you, but I’m no good at pretending that I don’t. And I want to help you but I don’t think you want my kind of help. I just-” Sirius frowned and chewed on his lip a bit before continuing. “I really miss you, Re. Still. I want you back. And I know I’m selfish for saying that but-”
Sirius wasn’t able to finish his sentence because Remus crashed his lips into his, lost the last of his restraint and kissed Sirius with all he had in him. Held his star by the waist and the back of the neck and twined his fingers through Sirius’s silky black hair, exploring Sirius’s mouth with his tongue all the while. Pulled back just before it could get too out of control.
“But nothing, baby,” Remus breathed against Sirius’s shocked and gorgeously flustered face. “I’ve missed you too.”
. . .
Remus knew things had gotten out of hand when he could hardly let Sirius out of his sight, out of arm's reach either. He thought it must be annoying to Sirius, but at least outwardly, Sirius didn’t seem to mind. Likely enjoyed this clingier side that Remus occasionally had to him.
Remus was reading a book in his armchair, trying unsuccessfully to get his mind away from the lustful places it kept running back to when Sirius—being the opposite of helpful, but at least having good intentions—decided to palm over Remus’s already half hard cock.
“Could I?” Sirius inquired curiously, planting a kiss over the clothed area and staring up at Remus owlishly. On his knees before him and letting his hand linger hopefully. “Just a blowjob or something. To make you feel better without feeling like you’re hurting me.” Sirius clarified rather sweetly. “Please?” He asked once again.
And fuck, Sirius was so nearly impossible to say no to. And if it was purely up to the wolf, Remus wouldn’t. But it wasn’t purely up to the wolf, and Remus knew that if he gave in to Sirius now it wouldn’t just be a blowjob. It would turn into more and the wolf would shatter his precious star like glass without any of the care and reverence that Sirius deserved. That once Remus let go of a little of his restraint he would inevitably let go of all of it, and they would both regret it come morning.
So Remus gritted his teeth and moved Sirius’s hand far away from his crotch.
“No.” He denied him tersely, letting his hand go to stroke Sirius’s cheek softly, knowing it was poor compensation. “You can’t.” Remus’s words were firm, but not unkind, not hostile like he thought they would be. He was only just able to keep the wolf at bay, and knew that if Sirius pushed any further that he wouldn’t be able to. But Sirius didn’t push, just nodded somewhat glumly but respected Remus’s decision, letting his head rest on the side of Remus’s knee. So trusting, so sweet.
“Okay,” Sirius did sound somewhat disappointed, but Remus could tell that he was containing it for him, grateful for the contact he did have and happy enough to have it. Remus really didn’t deserve him. “Let me know if you change your mind,” Sirius offered but didn’t push. “Or if you need me any way else.”
“Darling…” Remus felt his heart absolutely melt for him. His thoughtful, helpful, sweetheart of a star. The respect and reverence for Remus that laid in each one of Sirius’s words, the trust in the submissive position he held, and the restraint that Remus was so proud of Sirius for as he held himself back when he so clearly wanted more. How he just wanted to help, however he could, and Remus felt a bit cruel for not letting him. But he could stay still, let Sirius be sweet for him, at least give him this. Remus swallowed his own raging want and desire so he could.
“I trust you Moons,” Sirius continued, pressing a kiss to Remus’s knee then resettling on it. “More than anybody. But I probably shouldn’t say that.” And if it wasn’t so close to the full moon, Remus would keep Sirius right there and indulge him. But it was, and Remus knew that if he didn’t get out of there right then that he would never regain his already crumbling composure.
He leaned down to press a kiss to Sirius’s cheek and then his forehead, was purposefully as sweet and gentle with him as he could realistically manage—because Remus really didn’t want his star to be hurt by his oncoming rejection—then pulled away.
“I need to shower, baby. But you’ve been so helpful, love. Truly.” Sirus pouted the slightest bit when Remus stood up, but otherwise didn’t protest. He stayed in his kneeling position and nodded in understanding.
“Okay, um, thank you, Re.” Sirius spoke quietly. Wordlessly, Remus helped him up and placed him safely in the middle of the couch cushions, wrapped a blanket around him so he was cozy before leaving to take care of his problem before it could become more of one.
“No Sirius,” he gently corrected. “Thank you.”