Would it matter to anyone if I left town and disappeared?
Barty stood on the rooftops of the boy’s dormitories, a lit cigarette placed in between his lips. The question lingered in his mind, he had thoughts of leaving this shitty town and never returning, but the fear of being forgotten stayed in the pit of his stomach. It’s hard to part with a place you’ve been in your entire life, but Barty didn’t know if he could just simply ditch the happy memories he’s made in this shitty town. The time he and Dorcas got caught trespassing on private property or when he and Evan explored old, abandoned buildings at night. Barty wasn’t ready to let go of any of it, he was afraid that once he stepped out of this town, he’d never be the same Barty again. Not that it was a bad thing, but change frightened him. He hated it, because every single time something or someone changed in his life, it was always for the worse. His father, his friends, Regulus.
Barty couldn’t remember the last time he and Regulus had an actual conversation, their last text conversation was 5 months ago. When Regulus started hanging out with James more, Barty started becoming more hostile and silent towards him, eventually leading up to an argument. He replayed that argument every single night in his mind, every word, every detail – Barty remembered it all. The tears in Regulus’ eyes, the way hurtful words began to pour from Barty out of blind rage, and the very last thing Regulus said to Barty before he stormed off. He could still hear it ring in his ears until now. ”It’s not my fault your life is so shitty that you start using people as an outlet for all your stupid bullshit! I’m so sick of it, you treat people like coping mechanisms in hopes of forgetting that your life is a fucked up mess. I’m not going to let you do that to me anymore, Barty. I’m done.. With whatever this is.”
Barty hated that Regulus was right; Barty has hurt more people than he has changed them for the better. He obviously knew that he was a bad influence, but he never truly realised the impact his actions and words had on the people around him. Has he really just been dragging people down for his own selfish deeds? Barty didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to face the reality. A coward was all he was.
Just as he put his cigarette out, he heard the rooftop door creak open, the sound of rushed footsteps heading towards his direction, only for it to abruptly stop. Barty exhaled. Time for my exit, I guess. When he turned around to leave, his heart skipped a beat for a mere moment. It was Regulus, standing in front of him with tear tracks down his cheeks. It was clear that he’s been crying for a while, the puffiness of his eyes were a clear sign. Suddenly, all the resentment he held for Regulus disappeared in an instant. “Are you alright?” Barty asked out of impulse.
Regulus sniffled, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What do you think, asshole?” He answered snarkily.
“Fine, I’m sorry for giving a fuck.” Barty rolled his eyes, remembering how much of a dick Regulus can really be. He pushed past him to finally leave, he heard Regulus call out his name.
“Barty, wait!”
Barty let out a deep sigh, turning around to face Regulus once again. “What? What do you want from me, Regulus?” He felt a twinge of guilt in his body for acting this way towards Regulus, considering how long they’ve known each other. Barty wanted to leave, but he knew that staying and consulting Regulus was the morally correct thing to do. It’s about time he right his wrongs before he leaves entirely.
“I just… really need someone to talk to right now, please. I’m asking you for a favour just this once.” Regulus pleaded breathlessly, his lips quivering as if he was about to say something else. Before he could speak again, Barty looked up in defeat and let out a sigh.
“Alright. Go on, tell me everything you need to get out of your system.” And for a moment, Regulus’ eyes lit up momentarily.
“James and I had an awful argument.” Fuck, it’s about him again. “He’s been acting more like an insensitive and ungrateful asshole lately, it’s almost like his ego inflated more when he won that game against Durmstrang. He’s been ignoring me and insulting me every now and then. Even though I know he only means it as a joke, it’s fucking tiring to listen to. All he talks about is himself, and I’m exhausted of hearing how amazing he is.” Regulus ranted while pacing back and fourth simultaneously. Barty scoffed, listening to him go on and on about all of James’ flaws.
“Damn, if that was enough to have you sobbing, you must’ve been bawling your ass off everyday when we were friends.”
“Barty.” Regulus scolded.
“Sorry, too soon huh.” Barty scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “I don’t understand why you’re still hanging around James, I thought you hated guys like him.” He criticized and crossed his arms.
Regulus shook his head and shrugged slightly. “I suppose… I was swept off my feet by his charming personality. That was until he started showing his ugly side,” He said, chewing lightly on his gums. “I kind of miss hanging out with you.”
“Kind of? Just admit it, man. You miss me.” Barty joked.
Regulus rolled his eyes, looking Barty directly in the eyes. “Fine, I miss you.”
Barty was taken aback; He didn’t think Regulus would actually say it, he was just messing with him. Does he really mean it though? He’s probably just saying it to get me to shut up.
“I regret everything that happened which led up to this moment, and sometimes I wish that I could just rewind time so that we could be together again. I miss being with you, Barty. I like who I am when I’m with you, I can be myself. You taught me how to love again, and I feel terrible for taking it for granted.” Regulus’ voice shook, a lump of tears in his throat threatening to escape.
“I… abandoned you when you needed me the most, and I still feel guilty for what I did.” Regulus said in a quiet voice. Regulus wasn’t used to apologizing to people for his actions, he was stubborn and hard-headed. One of the many qualities Barty admired about him. “I’m sorry, Barty. You don’t have to forgive me, but I want us to be back to the way we were. Please.”
It was evident that Regulus desperately needed a distraction from his problems, but Barty was unsure about their relationship going back to the way it was. If it was possible. Barty stepped closer to Regulus, wiping his tears for him. Regulus looked gorgeous, even when he’s crying his eyes out. Barty couldn’t help but stare at him. “I… don’t think we can do that.” The look in Regulus eyes created a pit of despair in Barty’s stomach. He wanted to say that he wanted what Regulus wanted too, but he knew that if he agreed to his wants, he’ll end up hurting him. Barty couldn’t bring himself to do that to Regulus again, not after what he’s been through his entire life.
“We can’t go back to the way we were, you’ll only end up getting hurt. You’ve seen it happen before, who knows if it might happen again. I’m willing to become better, completely reinvent myself and move somewhere else, but I’m not letting you get hurt again.”
“No, it’s okay – I can handle it. I need you back in my life, Barty. You were the only good thing in my life, and I can’t afford to lose you too.” Regulus sobbed.
Barty held Regulus hands, clasping them in his own. “You aren’t going to lose me, I’ll still be here for you, we just can’t go back to the dynamic we had in the past. You mean so much to me, Regulus, which is why I’m doing this for your sake.” Regulus shook his head as more and more tears began to fall from his cheeks. This is for your own good, Regulus. I’m not good for you, you have to understand this.
“Please, Barty…”
“I can’t. I’m sorry, Regulus. You taught me to love as well, you showed me that I deserved more love than I received. You deserve love from someone who can properly convey and reciprocate it, not from some fucked up drug dealer who can barely say ‘I love you’ to people. I’m not healthy for you, the last time we were together, it only ended up with us both angry at each other. You need someone better, and that isn’t me. You have to accept that.”
Regulus sniffled, nodding slowly and exhaling heavily while looking down at the ground in defeat. He was finally beginning to accept that Barty’s final answer was no. “We can still talk, right?” He asked. Barty silently nodded before wrapping his arms around Regulus.
“Thank you, Barty, you’re a good friend.” Regulus whispered tiredly in the midst of their hug. “Can I say it, just one last time?
Barty hesitated for a moment until he fully relaxed, holding Regulus as close as he can. “Alright.”
“I love you, Barty.”
“I.. love you too, Regulus.”