If someone asked James how it started he would have no idea. Maybe it was small eye contacts they made or lingering touches that were a bit too long to be only friendly. Maybe it was at the muggle game ‘spin the bottle’, but when they kissed they just laughed it off.
Unfortunately when he was laying in bed the same night the butterflies weren’t disappearing and he could still feel the lingering touch of his lips. Is this how he was supposed to feel about his friend?
The same friend he grew up next to. The same friend whom James had first sleepover with and they were giggling all night long. The same friend who was crying when the first girl rejected him. The same friend James ran when he got the news about his Hogwarts letter. The first friend he made.
Then there was another question whirling in his head: what about Lily? She was supposed to be it. The one and only. His only love he would grow old with. James likes Lily. He does.
He does.
He does.
He does.
Or doesn’t he?
When in the dark night in his bed he imagines kissing there was supposed to be long red hair, but his mind goes to short blond ones. When there were supposed to be green eyes he only sees blue ones.
So he does unimaginable thing he never thought he would do. He kisses him.
They are sitting quietly at another Gryffindor party, no one can see them, talking about an awesome win against Hufflepuff. James looks at Peter and surges forward. At first Peter does nothing until he starts kissing James back.
Hands start traveling everywhere and James thinks that he doesn’t hate this like he thought he would. Soon they are running to their room, throwing silencing and locking charms and jumping on the bed.
Kiss after kiss. Moan after moan. Hands are traveling to all the right places. James thinks that it’s not so bad, it’s good, it’s really good.
After that night it turns to the same one and same one. Maybe they shouldn’t do that, maybe they should have stopped, but they both don’t care.
James walks with hickeys on his throat like badges of honor, Sirius whistles and claps him on the back, Remus rolls his eyes and Lily looks at him with disgust. James should feel hurt but he doesn’t when Lily still doesn’t pay him any attention.
Every free second between classes in hidden alcoves kisses are shared. They kiss until they can’t breathe, until their lips are covered in saliva and cheeks are red. James feels like a giddy kid doing something he shouldn’t do and he knows it, but the euphoria of the kisses and shared breaths shuts these thoughts up.
Unfortunately one day it starts. Lily starts looking at him, laughing at his jokes, smiling and talking. He should throw his shot right?
So he asks her for a date and she agrees, but then the night ends and when James and Lily share a kiss he doesn’t feel like felt with Peter.
Peter starts distancing himself not talking with James anymore. James just thinks that he needs more time to spend with Lily then he will like it as it is supposed to be. James should reach out to Peter and still try to get his friend back, but Peter is just silent when he should scream and hit James, because he knew he deserved it.
What James doesn’t realize is he should have thought more when it started and stopped it. He should have never kissed Peter or maybe should have never asked Lily on that date, because when on Halloween day he stands and looks at Peter's eyes he just feels numb.
James whispers the only words he never thought he would say “I love you,” isn’t it ironic that he should have realized it sooner and not when death stared into his eyes.