James woke up with a start. He quickly sat up and reached for his wand, he cast a silent lumos. After a couple of seconds of not understanding why everything was a blur he finally realized that he wasn’t wearing his glasses. He grabbed them and put them on quickly. After looking around for thirty seconds he finally processed the fact that he was safe and at Hogwarts.
James looked around, looking for his friends in the dim light. His eyes quickly found a snoring Sirius and a Peter that was about to fall off from his bed. When he couldn’t see Remus he panicked. James was about to call out for him when his aching back reminded him where Remus was. The night before was the full moon, so Remus was still at the hospital wing. James sighed in relief, accepting the fact that it was just a nightmare and that his friends were safe.
He put his head between his hands and let his tensed shoulders relax as took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. After he managed to get himself somewhat calm he tried to sleep again but soon found out that this was impossible. The images of his nightmare were still roaming around in his head.
James realized that he wasn’t going to able to sleep anymore that night, so he left his bed. ‘Maybe a walk will help.’ He thought to himself. He didn’t want to wake Sirius or Peter up. They were really tired because of the full moon. And Remus was already out of question.
So James wrapped the invisibility cloak around himself, grabbed his wand, put on his slippers and left his dorm. He wasn’t sure where the Marauders Map was and he didn’t want to look for it and take the risk of waking his friends so he left without it. He wasn’t sure where he was going but as long as he didn’t get caught –he didn’t want to deal with any professors or detentions– he didn’t really care.
After ten minutes of walking and –surprisingly– not seeing anyone he found himself climbing the stairs of the Astronomy Tower. When James finally reached the top of the stairs he heard quiet sniffles and muffled sobs. Someone was crying.
He carefully and slowly opened the door of the Astronomy Tower. When he saw who was crying, he froze. There, at the edge of the Astronomy Tower, sat Lily Evans, crying her eyes out. James closed the door, took off his invisibility cloak and tucked it inside the pockets of his pajamas. Then he opened the door again, this time not bothering to be quiet.
Lily squealed when she heard the door creak. She turned to the door immediately, eyes wide. She sighed a sigh of relief when she realized the person who came was not a professor or –even worse– Filch.
But after recovering from her momentary shock and relief, she abruptly wiped off her cheeks and stood up. She took a deep breath to fastly calm herself and –with a voice she hoped wasn’t as shaky as she felt it was– she asked.
“What are you doing here Potter?”
Potter. Lily had called him Potter. Yes, they had called it a truce –and maybe even became friends– after James had promised to stop messing with Snape and told her he would stop asking her out and leave her alone. They didn’t mess with each other except for occasional teasing but whenever Lily was in a really bad mood and didn’t want to be bothered or seen, and James bothered her, she would call James by his last name and would tell him off.
“I can ask you the same thing, Evans.” James said, for old times’ sake, a faint smirk playing on his lips.
Lily sighed in frustration and started to leave but just when she was about to walk past James, he held her arm and stopped her.
“Are you okay Lily? I know you have been crying.”
“W-What? No I wasn’t-”
“Yes, you were. Even if your eyes weren’t bloodshot and your cheeks weren’t streamed with tears you just tried to wipe off right in front of me –which you couldn’t quite manage by the way– I still heard you cry. So don’t tell me that you weren’t.”
Lily stared at James’ hazel eyes for a couple of seconds, then looked away. James let go of her arm and opened his mouth.
“You probably don’t want to talk about it, and I know that even if you did I wouldn’t be the first person you would come to talk. I probably wouldn’t even be the last but whatever.” James chuckled slightly. “What I’m trying to say is, if you want to talk about it, I’m always here. I won’t judge, interrupt or –if you did something illegal– snitch you to the Ministry, promise.”
James and Lily looked into each other’s eyes for the next couple of seconds. A faint smile found its way to Lily’s lips. And after another couple of seconds James broke the eye contact. He went over to where Lily was sitting just minutes ago and sat where she had sat. Then he started gazing at the sky and the stars. Lily stood there for a good minute before sighing defeatedly and sitting next to James but leaving a little bit of distance between them.
“Okay, I will talk.”
James smiled at her.
“But you will tell me why you weren’t asleep and roaming the school.”
“Uhm… I don’t know, I-”
“James.” Lily interrupted him. “You’re trying to help me by listening me. I’m just trying to return the favor. I won’t judge, interrupt or –if you did something illegal– snitch you to the Ministry, promise.” She fininshed with a smirk.
“Do you really mean that? That last part I mean.” James asked, burrows raised, a disbelieving look on his eyes and a faint and mischief grin on his lips.
“Uhm… Y-Yes. But you didn’t do something illegal, right?”
James chuckled.
“No, I didn’t.”
“Phew, okay then.”
“Okay, come on. I’m waiting for you.” James leaned in and whispered like he was saying something important. “Spit it out.”
Lily got serious and exhaled loudly. “I actually have, three not-really-big-but-hard-to-handle kind of problems that are floating around in my head and stressing me.”
“Okay. I’m all ears.”
Lily exhaled loudly –again–, she was actually kind of hoping James would just change his mind or something. Not that she was uncomfortable or anything –James was surprisingly easy to talk to– but she simply didn’t feel like getting into depressing stuff for a second time that night. But she already made a promise so she would talk.
Also, her curiosity of the reason behind James’ wandering through the halls of Hogwarts –all alone– in the middle of the night was really strong. Sirius, Remus or Peter weren’t anywhere to be seen so it couldn’t be one of their pranks that would cause the loss of a lot of house points. Lily really wondered why James was there so it was a good deal. After thinking for a fair amount of time to find the right words, she started talking.
“It’s Snape. He’s-”
But she got interrupted.
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, what?! Snape?! He is giving you troubles? I swear to Godric, I’m going to kick his ass so hard-”
“James! You said you wouldn’t interrupt. Also I don’t need your help or protection. I can take care of myself pretty well, thank you very much!”
Lily scoffed and looked away. James stayed silent for a while –trying to find the right words so the redhead wouldn’t get any angrier than she already was– before he spoke again.
“I’m sorry. I-I know that you can take care of yourself. And I don’t think of you as a damsel in distress or something like that. I just- I just want to help, you know. I wanted to let you know that I am here if you need or want any help. But you are right. I shouldn’t have open my mouth. I am here to listen and comfort you, if you want me to comfort you, that is. And now that I think about it, kicking Snape’s ass probably wouldn’t be the best way to do that. I’m sorry. Can you give me another chance? I promise I won’t make another stupid comment.”
Lily looked at James with hesitant eyes before sighing.
“Fine. But I swear to Merlin, if you make another idiotic remark, I will leave immediately and go back to my dorm.”
A beaming smile appeared on James’ face.
“Deal.”
“Okay. So… My problem is about Snape but he didn’t do anything.” James looked at Lily -who was avoiding his eyes- in a confused way. “Not to me directly at least.” Lily added quietly. She struggled to find the words. “He… Merlin, you were right, about him I mean. He really is ‘evil’, as you put it. You know how Avery, Rozier, Bulstrode and Lestrange bully the muggle-borns?”
“Yes?”
“Well, he joined them. I saw it with my own eyes. He yelled at third grader Hufflepuff. He called him a mudblood and then hexed him.”
Lily grimaced. She was feeling sick just by remembering that boy’s whimpers and screams. Because she knew that Snape was the one who cause all of that, her ex-best friend. Because she couldn’t understand what kind of a person Snape was before.
She felt stupid, for every time she defended him against one of her friends or against the Marauders. They had been right, all this time. And she had been the idiot who couldn’t see what was right in front of her eyes.
“Merlin, I heard that he had joined them but I didn’t think he actually-”
“That’s not all. He… They never do anything to me. They never mess with me. It has been longer than ten days since I had seen Snape hex that Hufflepuff. And since then their little ‘gang’ hasn’t messed with me. Not even when I tried to defend other muggle-borns against them. Other students noticed it too. And everyone thinks the reason of it is because Snape has a crush on me. And the worst part is, they’re right. And I know, they’re right. Snape and his new ‘friends’ don’t mess with me and its only because,” Lily looked straight into James’ eyes. “Snape wants to fuck me!”
Then she turned away from him and looked down from the Astronomy Tower. There was a disgusted expression on her face. And for some reason, to James, it seemed as if she was disgusted by herself.
“Lily… Merlin, I don’t know what to say.” James mumbled to himself. “Look, none of this is your fault. Snape being a fucking jerk and joining those racist assholes’ little ‘bullying club’ are all on his account. These things have, literally, nothing to do with you. And it’s not your fault that they are bullying other students. And you not getting bullied is not your fault either. Actually it’s no one’s fault, because you not getting bullied is not a bad thing. Regardless of its reason. Which is Snape’s own selfish, disgusting and slightly concerning desires.”
Lily looked back at James, a tired and thankful expression on her face. Tired for opening up and getting all depressed for a second time that night and thankful for everything James had said to her. Which James was also thankful for. He was honestly happy that his little ‘pep talk’ didn’t make anything worse or annoyed Lily.
“By the way, I know that I and the other Marauders had promised you to not to mess with Snape ever again but as much as I heard from the others and listened from you tonight I think it would be a wise decision to break that promise.” After seeing Lily’s eyebrows shooting up he added. “Only if you let us though.”
He looked around, avoiding Lily’s eyes and biting his lips like a five-year-old who just got caught stealing cookies.
“I…” Lily started talking to refuse James’ offer but stopped quickly. After all, his offer wasn’t really unfair or anything. Someone had to do something with all those bullying and if the professors couldn’t handle them, then it wouldn’t hurt to let the Marauders try, right? “Fine.”
James met with Lily’s eyes with a shocked expression on his face. He really did not expect that. Some yelling and shouting from Lily –maybe even a slap– and then getting caught by Filch –because of all the yelling– to go to McGonagall’s office to get yelled at, get a detention and lose house points, but not that. “Huh?” He managed intelligently.
“I said fine. You can break this promise but I have some conditions.”
“Go on.” James squinted.
“1) You won’t only mess with Snape but with every one of their little gang and no one else.” A mischief smirk appeared on James’ face. “2) You will be fair. You will only mess with them when they bully someone and you will serve them what they deserve. Nothing more, nothing less. And 3) You will stop if things start to go worse.”
“Deal!” James yelled wasting no time.
“James! Hush, someone’s going to hear us.”
They both stopped talking and listened carefully to hear something that might mean someone heard them. When they couldn’t find anything they looked at each other and started giggling uncontrollably. James was the one to broke the silence when they finally managed to stop laughing.
“So?”
“So what?”
“You said you had three not-really-big-but-hard-to-handle kind of problems. What are the others?”
“Oh, right. Well, the second one is easier than the first one actually.” After stopping for a second, Lily continued. “Exams.”
“Exams?”
“Yeah, the finals of this year and the N.E.W.T.s of next year. They stress me a lot actually.”
“You are stressed about the exams?”
“Yes. Merlin, what are you not understanding?” Lily chuckled slightly. “Do you have a pep talk about this too?”
“Yes actually, as a matter of fact, I do.”
“You do?”
“Yeah.”
“K, go on. Let’s see if you can ease my stress about the exams.”
James took a deep breath and stayed quiet for a few minutes to collect his thoughts before starting to talk.
“Lily, do you know how good you are at school? You are literally the only student I’m afraid of losing my first place to in transfiguration. And I’m not saying this to brag about my transfiguration abilities. I’m saying this because it is a fact that I’m good at transfiguration and your success in that class scares me. You are one of the very few people who manages to stay awake during professor Binns’ class. You are one of the best potion brewers I have ever seen. You are so good at DADA, I honestly feel sorry for every witch and wizard who will get on your bad side. Your charms are always perfect and you get most of them right on your first try. You are so good at herbology, even the plants started having a liking to you, let alone Professor Sprout. And don’t even get me started at astronomy. I bet 100 galleons you can name any constellation I point at right now.
“I know you take other classes too and I know you are doing a wonderful job at those too. You have a good study chart –I mean you must, you are Lily Evans– and you are following it and I can assure you as long as you keep following that study chart and take a fair amount of breaks, you’ll be fine. Because you, Lily Evans, are one of the brightest witches of your age. And you do not need me –or anyone, in that matter– to say this to you.”
By the time James had finished Lily was beaming with a smile on her face. Her cheeks were a bit red and she looked really happy and proud.
“So? Did it work?”
“Yes. Yes, it worked.” Lily said fiercely as she became redder. “Thank you.”
James put a proud smile on his face before answering.
“Of course it worked. It’s me after all.”
Lily chuckled in response. They stayed silent for a few moments before James opened his mouth again.
“And? The third one?”
Lily opened her mouth to say something but then closed it. She looked unsure. James thought the third problem must be the most personal and important one if Lily was this insecure about talking about it.
“Lily, you don’t have to tell me. I mean, I do want to hear your problem and help you but it is your problem and if you don’t feel comfortable with telling me about it, then you don’t have to.”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you or anything. It’s just… It’s a bit personal and it’s not really a big deal or anything. It’s just hard to talk about, because of lots of things. Like, whenever I try to voice this problem I lose all of my words and whenever I manage to voice this problem, it sounds stupid and silly and I feel like I’m overreacting.”
“Lily, if it bothers you, then you are not overreacting. Something that is so trivial to someone might be so wrecking to another. No problem is stupid or silly. And I don’t know what your problem is but I can tell it is important by the way you act. I may not be as close as Alice or Mary is to you but I still know you. And I know if it didn’t actually bother you and if it wasn’t important you wouldn’t be reacting this way.”
When James met with silence he continued.
“Lily, when I said ‘You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.’, I meant it. You don’t have to. But I just want you to know you can talk to me whenever you want, wherever you want and about whatever you want. And I’ll listen, however you want.
“If you want me to listen and cheer you up, then I will listen and crack a joke. If you want me to listen and get all sad and depressed with you then I will bring tissues and ice cream – and maybe Sirius too, you know he’s a drama queen. If you want me to listen and comfort you then I will hug you and won’t let go until you stop crying and start feeling better. And if you want me to just listen and don’t say anything then I will listen and shut the fuck up.”
Lily and James were staring in each other’s eyes intensely. Then James broke out a smile and averted their gaze to ease the tension. He started gazing at the sky again. They sat in a somewhat comfortable silence for a couple of minutes until Lily spoke up.
“My sister…” She started, quickly catching James’ attention. “She’s… She’s not very fond of me.” Lily stopped to sort out her thoughts and emotions. Then she started explaining. “I’m a muggle-born, which you already know and I have a sister, which you probably don’t. She is two years older than me and a muggle. She is not a witch. And she thinks, me being a witch is not a good thing. She thinks, it’s a bad thing and that I’m not ‘normal’.” Lily was playing with the sleeves of her pajamas and avoiding James’ eyes. “She thinks I’m a freak.” Whispered Lily, silent tears starting to fall from her eyes.
James’ heart broke at the sight of Lily crying. He wanted to do something, to help Lily but he was afraid he would cross a boundary or make Lily uncomfortable. So, he –very carefully– scooted over to where Lily was sitting and sat next to her. Meanwhile Lily was crying quietly.
James slowly and carefully put his arm around her, afraid of making her uncomfortable. But Lily didn’t get uncomfortable. Instead she hugged him back and started sobbing on him. They sat like that for minutes until Lily managed to calm down.
“Sorry, I messed up your PJ’s.”
“Meh. I don’t really like this one anyway.”
Lily let go of James and pulled her legs in.
“Thank you.” She said after a couple of moments. “For everything you said tonight.”
James smiled warmly at her.
“Anytime.”
They sat in a comfortable silence. Lily put her head at James’ shoulder after a couple of moments. James put his arm around her.
“I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I do. I feel guilty for being a witch. I feel guilty because she is not a witch. I feel guilty every time I leave for Hogwarts. I feel like I’m leaving her behind. And every time I go back she acts as if I did leave her behind. We had a fight during the Christmas break last week. I tried writing an apology letter but she wouldn’t listen. She sent me a letter, it was horrible. I guess I should be thankful it was just a normal letter and not a howler.”
“Lily… I don’t know what to say. I’m not even sure if you want me to say something.”
“I do.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“Give me another pep talk?” Lily asked with a shaky voice. “Tell me it’s going to be okay. Tell me that she’ll come around. Tell me that it’s going to be okay even if she doesn’t come around.”
James snuggled Lily closer to him and smiled at her.
“Of course. Lily, she is your sister. She is probably just a bit jealous. It’ll be alright.”
“I don’t think it will. She is incredibly stubborn. I don’t think she’ll ever be able to forgive me.”
“Lily, you did nothing wrong. You are not guilty. You don’t need forgiveness. And she is your sister. She’ll come around, eventually. I mean you guys are only 16 and 18. There will be plenty of time for you guys to make up, right? And even if you can’t it doesn’t matter, it’s still going to be alright. You will still have a life. And I know you want it to, but it doesn’t have to include her.”
Lily looked at James with glossy eyes.
“Yeah, I guess you are right.”
James smiled at her and pulled her in for a hug. Lily gladly wrapped her arms around James’ waist and buried her head in his chest. They stayed like that for a while, cuddled up to each other. When they pulled away Lily was the one who broke the silence.
“It’s your turn now.”
“Uhm… I wasn’t here because of a prank or something like that. My reason is also a bit depressing actually.”
“Okay.”
“Are you sure?”
“Am I sure what? That I want to get into depressing stuff for a third time tonight?” Lily mocked thinking. “Yeah, I guess I am.”
“You don’t have to do this just because I-”
“No, I don’t. But I want to. You helped me, and I want to help you. Not because I feel entitled to do this but simply because I want to do this. I want to help you. And you don’t have to say anything if you don’t feel comfortable of course, but I will still comfort you and be the shoulder you can cry on.” Lily finished with a teasing smile.
James chuckled in response.
“Fine then. I had a nightmare.”
Lily’s eyes softened.
“Would you like to share what it was about?”
“Uhm…”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I can just sit here and talk with you too, you know. to get your mind off of it.”
“That would be nice actually. But I can’t. I want to talk about it. I need to talk about it.”
“Then I’m willing to listen James. Whenever you are ready.”
James sighed loudly.
“Okay. So… My nightmare was… About…” James couldn’t find the words. He tried to figure out how to explain his nightmare. “Okay. So, you read the Prophet, right?” James continued after seeing Lily’s nod. “Then you must’ve seen the news about Voldemort?”
“Yes, I have.” Said Lily who didn’t understand how this was relevant to James’ nightmare.
“And have you also seen all the deaths and disappearances he had caused?”
Lily then started to have an idea of how this mad man was relevant to James’ nightmares.
“Yes.”
“Well, I know it sounds stupid, but since things started getting serious, I’ve always had this… fear: Those Deatheaters targeting my friends. Sirius, Remus and Peter.
“Sirius is known as a blood traitor and he lives in a house which supports the dark side. He is constantly in danger and I’m sure at least a dozen people of his family are Deatheaters already. That’s not a guess, it’s a fact. What if those relatives of his one day decide that they don’t want Sirius to embarrass them anymore? What if they do something to him?
“Remus is a werewolf –which you already know– and he was bitten by Grayback –which you probably didn’t know– and he is the head of Voldemort’s werewolf army. What if one day he realizes, one of the boys he had bitten is not with them? What if he decides to go after him?
“Peter is a half-blood. His mother is a muggle and his father is dead. He can’t protect himself and his mother in a fight. What if the Deatheaters decide to target their house? What if they hurt them?
“And I am the son of well-known blood traitor. And on top of all that we all want to become aurors –if we can– and help Dumbledore defeat Voldemort. We are literally open targets. What if something happens to them? I don’t care if something happens to me, but I can’t live if I fail to protect my friends, my brothers.”
Lily didn’t know what to say. She could see how James was at the verge of tears but she could not form a sentence. So she did the only thing she could think of: She wrapped her arms around James and pulled him in.
That was when James broke down. He hugged Lily back tightly and began to cry on her shoulder. It was a good thing they were sitting because James was sure if they weren’t, his knees would give in. Lily was playing with his hair and whispering soothing things to him. After a while he managed to calm down a bit and started working on his rapid breathing, all the while Lily was whispering sweet nothings to him. After he slowed down his breathing too he started wiping his face and glasses.
“Sorry about that. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Also, sorry about your PJ’s, too. They are all messed up.”
“It’s okay. I mean it’s only fair after what I’ve done to yours. And don’t apologize for crying James. It’s a way to express your feelings.”
“Okay.”
“Also, I remember you saying that it sounds stupid. James, do I really need to repeat your own words to you? No problem is stupid or silly.”
“I know this, I just… I don’t know.”
James sighed externally.
“I would try to give you a pep talk too but I honestly don’t know what to say and even if I did I’m pretty sure I would mess it up. I’m not really good at giving pep talks.”
Both Lily and James chuckled after that statement.
“Well, I had a lot of practice. I’m at the Gryffindor quidditch team and I am the team captain since last year, remember?”
“Oh. Yeah. Right.”
“You’ve forgot about that, haven’t you?”
“I mean...”
They started chuckling again.
“I think I’m going to fall asleep.” Said Lily.
“Can I ask you something crazy?”
“Will me saying no stop you?”
“No.”
“Okay. Sure, go on, ask.”
“Would you like to have a sleepover here tonight and skip the morning classes tomorrow, with me?”
“What? James we can’t do this.”
“Why, what morning classes do you have tomorrow?”
“Only history of magic, but-”
“And I only have transfiguration. McGonagall will get mad at me if I skip but I’m already the top of the class. I think I can get away with it. Do you want to skip with me?”
“I’m not sure if I want to skip History of Magic.”
“Really?” James looked at Lily with dead eyes. “You and I both know you don’t enjoy that class.”
“And how would you know that?”
“Lily, no one enjoys History of Magic.”
“Okay, you’ve got a point.”
“So?”
“Argh! Fine.”
“Yes!”
“But where do we sleep?”
“There is a wind-proof corner at the other side of the Tower. The side which doesn’t have a window. Also we will not be seen because it is a blind spot of the door.”
“What about our clothes? We can’t just walk around in our PJs trying to get back to our dorms tomorrow.”
“Hmm. I think I have a way of going into the common room without anyone seeing us. But if you are going to come with me then you have to either close your eyes or keep it a secret. To the death.”
“Uhm… Let’s decide tomorrow, I’m too sleepy for this right now.”
“Okay.” Said James, smiling.
Then he got up from where he was sitting at the edge of the Tower and went over to the corner he was talking about. Lily did the same and they laid down. They didn’t really care about the floor being hard –they were to sleepy to care at the time, they would regret their decision in the morning– and Lily cast a warming charm –even if the wind couldn’t get to them it was still cold–, James was about to fall asleep when he felt Lily snuggled to him. And he was very awake suddenly. He opened his mouth to say something but Lily cut him off.
“Not a word, Potter.”
James then closed his mouth and also snuggled to Lily, a smile appeared on his face.
“Goodnight James.”
A matching smile appeared on Lily’s face.
“Goodnight Lily.”
They fell asleep in each other’s embrace that night, not caring about the rest of the world –including their problems, worries and fears– just feeling each other.