futile devices
Wednesday, 15th September 1976
Sirius missed all his classes. He hadn’t talked to his brother since their argument on Sunday and he couldn’t bear the idea of having to ask like a fucking weirdo for one of his classmates to make a duo for the project with him. Things seemed to get worse every-time he opened his mouth. He missed Mary and Marlene. After James, Peter and Remus, they were his closest friends. He gossiped with them all the time when they were together, and Marlene had her suspicions about Remus and him. They would go out all the time, go to clubs and bars, kiss random people in dirty bathrooms and forget. He got closer to Lily and everything in his life tasted sweet.
Maybe that was the thing, Sirius Black wasn’t sweet. He was mean, bitter and sometimes bittersweet, but never entirely sweet. Well, at least that was what he was starting to think as the sweet moments with Remus turned into faded memories. Sometimes, Barty would remind him of Remus but then his laugh would sound a little different from Remus’s, and everything would go back to normal.
“Sirius, Minerva is calling you” Pandora’s voice came from the back of the room “she said she needs to speak to you right now.”
He got up from the couch slowly, heading towards the door of the common room. “Thanks for warning me, Panda.”
The walk to the office felt shameful. He knew why she called him. Sirius expected to just hear some stupid bullshit about his irresponsibility and then he would go back to his dorm. However, it seemed like the universe was conspiring against him, because the moment he opened the door of Minerva’s office, he saw his parents. Not the ones that would beat him up when he did anything that seemed somehow wrong to them. Not the ones that were ashamed of him and his principles. Not the ones that wanted him to lose everything he cared the most about. He saw his real parents. The ones that loved and raised him to become the man he was trying to become. The ones that gave him his first hug and told Sirius they felt proud of him. The ones he disappointed, and they didn’t even know about it yet.
“Hey honey,” Euphemia Potter said kindly “we missed you this summer. James told us you were with your parents. We were worried about you.”
Embarrassment grew in his chest when he thought about how he had hurt his friends.
“You don’t need to worry about me, I’m sure you got better reasons to be worried. James and I haven’t even talked since June. You don’t need to protect your son’s stupid friend anymore. Sorry you came all the way to Hogwarts just to hear this. I’m leaving now.”
Sirius walked out without looking back. His eyes were burning from the tears he was holding back and all he could think about was how stupid he was. Stupid to think that for a moment all of it could workout. Think that he would grow old with his best friends by his side. With Remus. James was good, purely and entirely good. Remus was sensible, always helping others. Peter was kind, so gentle. And he was a mess. Never so bad he was evil, never so kind he was good. Something in the middle of it. He spent all his life in the fine line between good and bad and he was becoming sick of it.
“Hey, Sirius,” he heard someone calling from somewhere behind him “wanna go out for a drink or two?”
One or twenty, he thought.
“Sure, Barty,” he answered, “I was about to ask you the same thing.”
***
” So you miss him?”
“Yes.”
“But you don’t talk to him, and you don’t do anything about it?”
“Also yes.”
“And you miss James too?”
“Yep.”
“So, you basically live with the people you miss the most in the whole world and you don’t talk to them or do anything about it.”
“Yeah, that seems about right.”
“Are you fucking dumb?”
“Maybe, or maybe I am just drunk as fuck.”
Barty laughed at that. They were sitting in the exact same position for the past four hours, talking about anything. The appearance of the people that entered the bar, their plans for the future, what he missed from the past, his favorite ice cream flavor. Things were lighter with Barty. Sirius drank so much he could smell the alcohol from his own pores, but he didn’t care. Well, he didn’t really care about anything these days. He felt numb at best. His head was spinning, and he wanted to make a few mistakes. So, he asked Barty.
“Want to go back?”
“Why?”
“There’s something I wanted to do.”
***
He basically crawled back to his dorm, tripping everywhere and holding every wall he could find. When he finally entered his room, Remus was laying shirtless in his bed, he was hotter after the break.
“I miss you, Moony.”
Remus finally looked up when he heard that voice.
“I miss you, and I miss your lips, and I miss everything about you. You’re so good, so fucking good.”
“And you’re so fucking drunk. What now? More day drinking with Bartolomeu Crouch?”
Sirius’s smile grew wider.
“God, I even missed the sound of your voice. Rough against my ears, kind against my skin. You’re even hotter after this summer.”
“Look, Sirius, I’m not interested in sleeping with you. Not sober, and definitely not drunk. Take a shower and go to sleep, we can talk tomorrow if you even remember you said this bullshit to me.”
“It’s not bullshit.”
“Well, maybe it isn’t bullshit. But it seems like a hoax to me. Just because you believe it, it doesn’t make it true. You’re just feeling bad about yourself. It will go away in the morning.”
“I wish it was that simple, Remus.”