fine line
Thursday, 9th Setember 1976
Sirius escaped the Slytherin dorms at three in the morning. He ran to the hospital wing and sneaked in as quietly as possible. So he sat at a chair at the back of the room and waited until Madam Pomfrey finished what she was doing with Remus. When he walked to Remus’ bed, he just looked at him for a long time, at the new scar on his face and the way his chest went up and down as he breathed. Everything about him looked angelic in the moonlight.
His blondish hair falling on his face, his lips slighly opened, everything about him was beautiful to Sirius' eyes. He left after a few hours, wondering how could he have ever deserved Remus. His a Black ,after all, and it didn’t matter how much of a rebel he was, a part of him would always be a Black. That part of him made the prank. That part of him made him lose everyone he ever cared about. Sirius hated that part of him, the supremassist part of him.
“Where have you been? Don’t tell you went to a party or any shit like that, please,” Reg asked.
“No, I was just walking around the castle, didn’t feel like sleeping.”
“Sure,” Regulus muttered, sounding anything but believing.
They walked togheter to the Slytherin dorms in silence. Suddenly, Regulus stopped.
“Sirius, you can’t stay with us any longer.”
“What? I thought you said it was alright.”
“ Well, that was before Mcgonagall threatened me and told me she knew that you were staying here,” Regulus paused for a moment “ you need to be able to stay in the same place as them without having a mental breakdown”
Sirius stayed silent, he knew his brother was right.
“Just give me one more day to prepare myself,” Sirius asked “one more day and I’ll leave you alone.”
Regulus agreed and they walked inside the dorm, greeting Evan and Barty, who seemed to be having an argument, with a nod. They sat on Regulus’ bed and talked for a while until the other boys sat with them.
“I am thinking about some classics for the opening, Queen, Bowie, T. Rex, just the good stuff,” Sirius said.
“ Then we could play some Fleetwood Mac and some ABBA. We’ll fucking kill it,” Barty continued.
Sirius was feeling like himself again. Everything was better now that he made new friends. Of course he wanted his old friends back, but he couldn’t have them at the time, so why spend their separete time being miserable while they were having fun without him? Yes, he felt guilty about having fun, but he did it anyway. He’s Sirius Black after all, since when did he care about other people’s opinions?
“I can’t believe your friends didn’t forgive you yet. Gryffindors are so stubborn,” Regulus said rolling his eyes.
“Hey!,” Sirius shout “we’re not stubborn! I hurt their feelings, is normal that they don’t forgive me right now.”
“It’s been months, Sirius,” Evan said calmly “They should be over it by now, it’s not like you killed someone”
Sirius forgot to laugh about the joke, it probably had something to do with the fact that he nearly killed someone.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
Evan smirked.
“I’m always right.”
They continued to talk, but Sirius felt numb. He’s been feeling numb for months now. And the worst part is that he didn’t feel that way because of what he did, he felt that way because of the consequenses of what he did. I guess that’s what happens when you grow up withyour parents saying that apologizing is for the weak.
“ Hey,” Barty said when his other friends left “ wanna go for a walk?”
“Sure, it will be fun.”
It was about 7 pm when they left the dorms, heading to the Quidditch pitch.
“Did you practice during the summer? This year will be rough.”
Sirius looked through the grandstand before answering Barty.
“Not really,” he said, looking in Barty’s eyes “you know how my parents are.”
And he did know because his parents were the same. Deep down, Barty knew he would always live in his father’s shadow. He would never be good enough for him. Sirius and Barty were more alike than they imagined.
“Yeah, but I thought you were the rebel boy,” Barty grinned “the first Black in Gryffindor.”
Sirius laughed a little. It was nice being with someone that he could joke about all his problems.
“I guess I am,” Sirius smile got wider “what can I say? Everyone loves a rebel teenager.”
They sat together and kept talking for hours until Remus’ name was mentioned and Sirius froze.
“He wasn’t just your friend, was he?”
Sirius looked to the trees and the pitch underneath them.
“No, he wasn’t.”
Barty looked at him with empathy and curiosity.
“I know what it feels like to be in love with your best friend, someone you can’t truly be with. It’s awful living in the fine line between lovers and friends.”
Sirius’ eyes finally met Barty’s gaze.
“Yeah, I think love always is some sort of awful,” he said “at least when you do it right.”
They didn’t talk much about their relationships, but they understood each other perfectly and that gave them some comfort for a while. Sometimes, words aren’t necessery to know and understand what someone is going through. The boys hugged each other for some time before leaving the pitch and heading back to the dorms, just feeling the comfort of their warmth against each other.
“Where did you two go? You were gone for hours.”
“Sorry, Reggie,” Sirius said gently “we were out for a walk and lost track of time”
“Yeah,” Barty agreed “we’re sorry, Reggie.”
Regulus made a disgusted face.
“Eugh, don’t call me that, Crouch,” he said “it’s already too fucking annoying that this twat call me that all the time”
“How lovely. Isn’t he lovely, Sirius?”
“The sweetest boy in Hogwarts, Barty.”
Regulus rolled his eyes, smilling a little.
“Oh, just shut up. Both of you. When you two are togheter is like talking to the same stupid guy but in two different bodies. I can only deal with one at a time.”
The three boys laughed togheter before going to sleep.
“Good night, Baby Black!” and “Shut up, Crouch!” were the last to things Sirius heard before falling completly asleep.