"What the fuck do you mean?"
Fury set down his tablet with a sigh, "Agent Romanoff, learning to swim is an important life skill."
"I know how to fucking swim."
"Then this should be very easy for you. All you need to do is swim four laps in the pool, jump in and then tread for a few minutes."
Natasha crossed her arms over her chest to appear more relaxed then she was, "I already told you I can swim, you saw me swim. This is stupid."
Fury thought back to Natasha's last mission. It had taken place near a creek, when Natasha ended up being forced to swim in the creek to escape with the evidence she flailed about in the water. She visibly panicked and was hyperventilating by the time she crossed the creek.
"Yes Romanoff, I saw you in the water but that was not swimming, that was all fear. You were not yourself."
"Fuck off, I am not afraid of water."
Fury rose an eyebrow but said nothing else on that matter, "You have two weeks to complete the test."
The redhead stormed off without another word. She took two calming breaths before working herself back up again. Fuck Fury and his fucking swimming bullshit. She made her way to find the only person who would make her feel safe in seconds. Not that she needed to feel safe, she wasn't scared of water.
"Masha?" Natasha entered the office slowly in case Maria was on call, she was very happy to see the brunette working on files instead. This meant she could bother Maria all she wanted, at least that is how Natasha saw it. The redhead immediately shut the door behind her and moved to sit right in Maria's lap, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend. Usually Natasha wouldn't curl up on Maria like this but sue her she was sacred.
No, not scared, she is not scared of water.
"Hi love, did Fury talk to you?" Maria's arms brushed her back gently.
Natasha nodded and sighed into Maria's neck.
"How are you feeling?"
Natasha huffed, not her too.
"Fine, good, annoyed, I know how to swim, I am fine." Natasha snuggled in closer to Maria, a clear sign she was not fine.
"Yeah? Feeling so good you came to sit in my lap out of confidence?"
Natasha sat up and Maria felt a little bad for teasing her. The brunette had been the one to bring up Natasha's avoidance of bodies of water. After the redhead's last mission she had had nightmares for a week straight and refused to get a shower for the first two of those days.
"Leave me alone okay, can't I just want a hug sometimes?"
Maria apologized again and held Natasha close, "If you want someone to go swim with to practice I will come okay?" Maria pretended not to feel the shudder that went throughout Natasha's body.
Natasha covered it was a fake smile and a nod and a promise they would go later in the week.
Two days later and Natasha is with Maria in the woman's locker room. They are both wearing swimsuits and Maria is carrying two sets of goggles. Natasha's heart was pounding and she could feel her palms sweat despite the lack of clothing.
"You ready babe?"
Natasha nodded numbly and grabbed onto Maria's hand as they walked onto the pool deck. The smell of chlorine hit her and she shuddered at the smell. It was strong but unfamiliar. In the Red Room the water wasn't cleaned.
Maria lead her to big pool that had several different lanes with agents swimming in them. Maria chose one furthest from all other people.
"I find its best to just jump in and get the shock of being cold over with, ready?"
Natasha swallowed hard, "Jump in?"
Maria nodded and took a step closer to the water. Natasha dropped her hand immediately and backed away.
No, Natasha Romanoff was not scared of water. She was fucking terrified.
"Nat? Love it's okay, you don't have to jump in, It's okay." Maria tried to reach out but Natasha flinched away.
"I can't do this."
Natasha sped away to the locker room, Maria hot on her tail, "Nat, Nat wait please!"
Natasha sat on a bench and shook. Whether it be from cold or fear, Maria didn't know.
Maria kneeled in front of her, her hands moving to rest on Natasha's knees, "We will take it slow, we don't have to jump in or swim a bunch of laps okay? We can just sit at the edge of the pool with our feet in. It is okay, we are going to go at your pace with this."
Natasha looked at Maria with uncertainty.
"You won't push me under?"
Maria smiled sadly, "No love I will not push you under, nor will I pull you in or try to hurt you with or in the water." She was used to these kinds of odd and violent questions coming from Natasha, each question always stemmed from a fear from the same place.
Maria was able to get Natasha back on the pool deck, they both sat in front of the pool lane Maria had originally chosen. Natasha had yet to put her legs in the water.
Maria slowly dipped her feet in the pool showing Natasha it was safe. The redhead shook violently as she got closer to the water. Maria slid in the pool herself, hoping to encourage Natasha. When Maria turned back Natasha had a few tears falling down her face.
"Baby," Maria frowned and walked back towards Natasha. Natasha hiccuped, "It's okay Baby, look, it's not gonna hurt you. Can you tell me what you're scared of?"
Natasha shuddered, "Not scared."
"Tasha, it is okay to be scared. Please can you tell me why, I know you don't like the water but you are crying right now. Do you know how many times I have seen you cry in public?"
Maria wanted to reach out but didn't want Natasha to think she would pull her in.
"Not scared."
"Okay you aren't scared, can you tell me why you don't want to get in?"
Natasha shook her head, "I just don't want to hurt."
Maria cocked her head to the side, "What would hurt?"
Natasha put a hand to her chest.
"Your lungs?"
Natasha shrugged.
"You don't even have to go under Nat, Just put your feet in, It's a little cold but it won't hurt you."
It took another ten minutes of Maria talking but Natasha finally put her feet in the water. She was tense the entire time. Maria tried to get her to go further into the water but Natasha refused, instead she chose to sit there with her legs in the water and watch Maria swim laps. After Maria swam for a little while Natasha had calmed down, seeing how she did so calmly and fluidly, without fear. The redhead took it upon herself to start to lower herself further into the water, once the water got past her thighs Natasha decided that was enough and pulled her legs out entirely.
Maria noticed Natasha's regression and knew it was time to leave.
Late that night when Natasha lay curled up in Maria's arms she tried to shut her eyes. Maria could tell sleep would not come easy for the redhead.
"Can you tell me whats bothering you?"
Natasha shrugged, she knew she was acting unlike herself but couldn't care to hide her feelings.
"The Red Room taught me to swim." She stayed silent for a few minutes, contemplating how much she wanted to reveal to Maria, "They taught me how to drown. How to hold my breath. They knew I hated it, hated it more than the others. The dark water, they would pull you down, fill your lungs, couldn't get out. I messed up, they drown me and drown me, every time I am not good. Messed up on mission," Maria could hear the Russian accent slipping into Natasha's sleepy yet horrific words, "Didn't swim, walked instead. They wanted me to swim down, not leave any tracks."
Natasha let out a hollow sob, "Current was too strong, I would drown, I would drown again. So I walk. If I drown they would not save me. I become useless."
Maria rubbed her arm in comfort.
"When I got back, they made me swim. I swam and they did not let me stop. I do not know long I swam for, until I died in the water. Shock me back. Make me go again. And again. Masha I can't do it. I do not want to drown."
Natasha was shaking and Maria pulled her close, "You won't drown love, I won't let you drown, never. You are safe and we are going to go at your pace, whatever you don't want to do we will work around it. I will never let you drown."
"I like being able to breathe Masha."
Maria smiled and brushed a hair off Natasha's face, "I think everyone likes breathing Nat, no one is gonna make you stop breathing. You will always be able to get out whenever you want."
Natasha nodded and put her head further into Maria's neck.
Two day later and Maria stood in front of Natasha in the pool. The redhead had her legs already in the pool. She began lowering herself into the water much to Maria's shock. Maria stood back to make sure the redhead was going at her own pace. Once Natasha was all the way in the water Maria encouraged her to go up to her shoulders. Natasha did so with a decent amount of comfort.
Next Maria tried to get her to float, she helped Natasha lean back in the water and float but as she let her breath out her face began sinking under water. Natasha panicked and Maria quickly helped her up.
After she calmed down she surprisingly wanted to try again, by the end of their little session Natasha was comfortable getting in the water and floating on her back by herself.
It was only a few days later that Natasha was starting to swim down to the deep end and back. She still refused to put her face in the water but she was not as afraid of the deep end or getting a little splash of water on her face.
As Maria tried to get her to practice treading in the deep end a few reckless rookies decided to jump in near them. The splashes from the canon balls sent waves of water over Natasha's head.
Natasha went underwater, immediately panicking as she couldn't get air. She flailed in the water, her head bobbing up and down fighting for oxygen. She had no thoughts, only panic. Maria noticed immediately and rushed to grab the redhead. Natasha grabbed onto Maria, pushing her under to try and get air. Maria was able to move so she could swim them both to the wall. Within minutes a lifeguard was helping her pull Natasha out.
"Fuck, get me the oxygen!"
Natasha coughed and heaved as the lifeguard fumbled to set up the oxygen. Maria rubbed her back and wrapped a towel around her.
"Good job Baby, keep coughing, good job. You're okay, you aren't drowning." Maria held Natasha close to her chest and smacked her back when she coughed up water from her lungs. When she was done coughing Maria brought the oxygen mask over to Natasha and had the redhead hold it on her nose while Maria spoke to her gently. "You are doing so good, keep breathing, it's okay. You aren't drowning, you're safe."
Natasha nodded into her chest despite the involuntary shakes coming from her.
Natasha pulled the mask away from her face to ask Maria, "bad?"
Maria pulled her closer, "No, no not at all, not bad, very good, you did very good Nat, this isn't a punishment it was just an accident."
"I wanna go home."
Maria nodded, "Okay, okay in just a second, just hang on a second."
They sat for a few more minutes and when Natasha was able to stand on her own her and Maria left to the locker rooms. Maria helped her change back into her clothes. Maria fiddled with her hands as she sat down in front of Natasha.
"I know you don't want to but we needed to go to medical to make sure there isn't any water in your lungs," Natasha turned her head away, looking anywhere but at Maria. "Nat, you could be dry drowning if we don't get you checked out," Maria realized Natasha was crying when she gasped for more air, "Nat baby-"
"It's too much, I can't do it it's too much, you want me to swim and I drown now I have to go to the fucking doctors where the cut and take and hurt. Maria I can't do it."
Maria sighed, "I'm sorry, Nat it will be so quick, all they will have to do is make sure there isn't water. I can't tell so they need to check Nat."
Natasha's lip wavered, "I have no choice?"
Maria sighed yet again, "Nat i'm sorry but I don't want to put you in danger by not taking you."
Once Maria was done getting changed herself she helped Natasha up and slipped an arm around her waist. Nat hated every second of their walk to medical. After the doctor determined she had no water in her lungs and was good to go home Natasha all but ran out the door and all the way to their quarters at Shield. There she hid under the covers as Maria cooked dinner for them.
Maria sat next to Natasha once she was done cooking, she rubbed at her back, "You ready to eat?"
Natasha huffed but sat up and moved with Maria to the kitchen. They ate in silence.
By the time they were done Natasha was ready for bed. She laid back down and refused to cuddle into Maria like she really wanted to.
"You know I was really scared today Nat."
"Well sorry for fucking drowning."
Maria grabbed her shoulder and pulled, Natasha rolled over.
"I'm sorry that happened Nat, but you didn't drown, you got out and you are okay."
"I'm not okay! I am terrified! All the time, Every single day because of this stupid assignment. I hate going in the water, I hate the control it has over me. I hate every part about it. I hate that I cant function in it and I hate that you have to baby me every single day because of it. I'm not an infant, i'm just scared. Okay, I'm scared! I am scared of water and of drowning."
"I'm sorry for treating you like that, I didn't realize it was making you upset with me."
Natasha sat up, "Stop being fucking perfect. god! I'm scared and you make me feel safe, I started drowning and you literally came and saved me. I'm being so ungrateful and I don't know how to stop being so needy. You haven't even been treating me that different I just feel different and now I'm projecting!" Natasha spoke all of this in one breath. Maria reached a hand out to cup Natasha's cheek.
"You are not ungrateful nor are you needy. I know this is something really hard you are going through and it is okay to struggle. You are trying so hard and are making so much progress. Today does not change all the progress you have made. I love you and I'm so proud of you for working as hard as you do. I know you don't ever mean to take things out on me. Also I am not perfect Nat, you know that more than anyone."
Instead of yelling more Natasha decided it was time to let her walls back down, "I love you, I'm sorry for yelling at you. Thank you for saving me today." She mumbled the last part, still embarrassed about the whole incident.
Maria blushed, "shut up, you don't need to thank me."
-
"Masha! NO, Masha please!" Natasha rolled out of Maria's arms, disoriented from her dream. Maria awoke at the sound of her scream.
"Nat! Shh whats wrong?" Maria put a hand on Natasha's face to adjust her gaze, "Look at me baby."
Natasha began gagging, her whole body convulsed as she gagged on nothing. Maria grabbed a trashcan and quickly put it in the redhead's lap. Natasha coughed up some bile before relaxing against the bed frame.
Maria sighed, "Let me get you some water, Babe."
"Don't go, don't" Natasha grabbed Maria's wrist, "Please stay."
Maria nodded dumbly and moved back into the bed where Natasha immediately moved to be in Maria's arms.
That morning much of the same followed. Natasha couldn't handle being away from Maria and would panic at the smallest of things. Maria quickly called off for the both of them. They were sat on the sofa eating bowls of fruit when Natasha gasped. The redhead clutched her chest seemingly in pain.
"Tash?"
Natasha let out a cry and her bowl of fruit fell to the ground with a crash. Maria jumped to put hers down and be at Natasha's aid. "Baby what is it?"
Natasha gasped shortly and Maria could tell from the look in her eyes Natasha was experiencing a panic attack. The redhead grabbed onto Maria tight and refused to loosen her grip until Maria had talked her through it.