Sirius didn’t cry in front of his friends.
Sure, he’d cried once or twice in front of James, but he certainly didn’t make a habit of it.
So, in the early hours of the morning, he had slipped out of his dorm—which was easy to do since Remus and Peter were deeply asleep and James was spending the night in another dorm—who's? He had no clue. He walked outside into the crisp early morning air with sorrowful feelings in his heart and dark, dark thoughts in his mind. He found himself sitting down at the lake, as he always did when he felt like this. He sat with his knees hugged up to his chest as he gazed out at the still, tranquil lake with his hands resting on his knees, fiddling anxiously. His eyes focused on his black-painted nails for a second before restlessly darting away and finally coming to settle on the calm lake.
He was a mess, and he hated that. He hated that he felt helpless, miserable, and numb, but most of all, he despised how confused he felt. He was so infuriatingly confused and conflicted. About Moony, of course. Who else would be on his mind at this ungodly hour? He wanted so deeply for Remus to hold him as Sirius fell apart in his arms while the other boy whispered sweet nothings into his ear and gently played with his hair.
Sirius sighed under his breath and brought his hands up to his head, tilting his head up to stare at the starry sky as he cursed his thoughts for making him think of Remus like that. Intimacy was not and had never been common for Sirius, and the vulnerability of yearning for such soft intimacy from anyone was terrifying to him.
Especially Moony.
“Merlin, I’m pathetic," he muttered, trying to push the image of the sweet affections out of his mind, to no avail. He felt the tears begin to trail down his cheeks, and he didn’t make any move to brush them away. He stared out at the water, paralysed in despair as he felt the tears slowly trickle down his face.
He sat like this for about seven minutes before his hand found the rough ground beside him, and he startled back into reality, both becoming more aware of himself and the figure slowly approaching him. It took his blurry eyes a moment to focus, and once he realised who it was, he was filled with dread. He hurriedly wiped away his tears. He shouldn’t have seen that. He probably thinks I’m deplorable. He’s coming to pity me, fuck. I don’t want his pity–
Remus sat down silently next to him. Sirius felt his thoughts go silent in his presence, and he let out a soft breath as the fear gradually dissipated. The two sat in silence for at least ten minutes before the silent tears started falling again. Sirius could see Remus glance at him out of the corner of his eye and feel Remus slowly reach for his hand and intertwine their fingers together. Sirius squeezed his eyes shut.
It took another five minutes for Sirius to huddle into Remus’ shoulder and relax into the touch of having one of Remus’ arms embracing his back.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was barely even a whisper, muffled in the fabric of Remus’ jumper that he had buried his face in.
“You did nothing wrong.”
“Well, I’m sorry you had to witness that-”
“Hey, no. Look at me.” Remus turned to face Sirius and used his thumb to tilt the other boy’s chin up until they were making eye contact. “You didn’t force me to be here. I saw you; you were clearly struggling, so I wanted to help you."
"I... can’t talk about it tonight."
“It’s three in the morning, Siri. it's barely night-time anymore.” Remus muttered, and Sirius smiled softly as Remus continued speaking. “But that’s completely fine; you don’t ever have to talk to me about it. I just want you to know that you can if you need to. You are what’s important right now, so we can talk about whatever you want, or even nothing.”
Sirius looked into Remus’ eyes for a moment before his gaze drifted back out to the moonlit water, and he was filled with a sense of undeniable adoration. He leaned back into Remus’ shoulder as the two watched the light gradually change as the day got lighter, and he closed his eyes.
I’m going to be okay.
His thoughts had finally calmed, and he felt so at ease with Remus there next to him that he couldn’t even deny it any more. Opening his eyes, he stared at their interlaced hands that were currently resting on Remus’ lap before he spoke, his eyes fixed on Remus’ face as the other boy stared out at the sky. At this moment, he noticed more than ever just how stunning Remus was: with his light brown fluffy curls and his deep brown eyes that Sirius could get lost in for hours and not once complain. He looked at peace down here by the water, and Sirius realised that there was a high chance he wasn’t the only one who escaped out here on sleepless early mornings. A soft smile was set on Remus’ face as he gazed wistfully out at the softly rippling water.
“I think I’m in love with you, Moony.”
The second Remus looked over at Sirius and met his eyes; words were not needed. Their eyes expressed everything they felt and more, so much more deeply than words ever could. However, Remus knew Sirius very well, and it was clear to him that, although he would never specifically say so, he needed affirmation.
Remus squeezed their still-joined hands and slowly leaned in, softly brushing a finger over Sirius’ bottom lip. “Can I kiss you?”
“Please.” Sirius blurted a little too quickly, but Remus didn’t seem to mind. The corner of his lips simply twitched up in a smirk in response, and he pressed his lips against Sirius’ in a quick, soft kiss before pulling away. “I guess you could say that I’m in love with you too.” They kissed again, and after a while, it melted into a soft hug with Sirius curled up into Remus’ chest.
Sirius took one look into Remus’ eyes and knew that he never wanted to let go.