Cursed

It was only later that Jack realized what Augusta had done for him.  In forcing him to tell her, she helped him to release some of the darkness from the Year that he had been holding onto.  Yes, he and Ianto had spoken of the Year, but only Ianto had alluded to the fate he had suffered at the Master’s hands.  But Jack had been forced to bear witness, and in telling her what had happened, he was finally able to let it go.

She’d sat quietly, holding his hand as he’d wept, shedding her own silent tears.  Neither of them heard Ianto get out of bed and pad across the room.  He took their joined hands in one of his and hugged Jack to him, offering the same support he had been receiving for weeks, now.

In truth, Jack was the only thing holding him up, but he’d awakened to the sound of his beloved’s tears, and he’d not been able to bear the thought of not providing comfort.  He gave his grandmother a sad smile as he let go of their hands, shuffled around to sit on Jack’s knee and wrapped his arms around his lover.

Jack clutched Ianto to him and wept into the younger man’s chest, finally expressing the horror he had been trying to bury.  Augusta got up and went to find Susan, who brought a potion that would help Jack continue to release the darkness. 

Whenever they weren’t around him, those who had been interacting most closely with Jack during Ianto’s recovery had been discussing ways they might be able to help the immortal (as was).  One of the things Bill had observed was that as Ianto released his darkness, Jack had shown a parallel clearance, if it had been related to a shared experience. 

This seldom happened for muggles.  They assumed it might have something to do with his bond with Ianto.  After they marveled over the implications of that, it occurred to them that it would probably be helpful for Jack to have the same opportunity to offload the darkness, particularly what related to the Lost Year.  So they had been dosing him at fairly regular intervals.

Susan handed the potion to Ianto, who nodded his understanding, and he gently coaxed Jack into drinking the draught.  He held Jack close and whispered to him, kissing his head and stroking his hair.

“It’s alright, my Love.  He’s gone.” 

Jack moved so that his face was buried in the crook of Ianto’s neck.  Ianto craned his neck and kissed the side of Jack’s head, then his hair, continuing to croon words of comfort and safety.

“You’re okay.  You’re safe, now.  He won’t hurt you anymore.”  Ianto’s eyes widened when Jack whimpered and pulled him closer.  “I’m alright, too,” he whispered.  “Thanks to you, by the way,” he smiled.  He was well aware that Jack had saved him several times over the past few weeks.  It seemed as though he had somehow intuited the precise moment when Ianto had hit his limit and given up.  And each time, he talked Ianto back from that ledge.

“The Year reversed, and time reset.  You’re free, and I’m right here.  He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“But what if we meet him again in the future?” Jack asked in a small, fearful voice.

“Well, you said that he didn’t know you when you first met.  And he died on the Valiant.  So even if we do meet him in the future, he won’t know you.”

“He’ll hate me and try to hurt me,” Jack said, deep in the fear, but still hanging onto him.

“You’re not fixed anymore, remember?” Ianto asked.  “But even so, he will never hurt you again, my Love,” Ianto whispered, kissing Jack again and beginning to sway back and forth in a comforting manner. 

Jack began to relax, but found he needed just a bit more reassurance.  It was one thing to be Captain Jack Harkness, immortal defender of the planet, saving the world with a wide smile and flirtatious wink.  It was another thing entirely to just be Jack, wounded and broken and so afraid that something like that might happen again.

“Promise?”

Hearing the question in that vulnerable, half-whispered, little-boy voice, Ianto felt the tears that had been threatening spill over his cheeks.

“I swear to you, my Love.  He will never fucking touch you, ever again.”  Ianto practically snarled the last.

It was not an unbreakable vow.  And yet, the air crackled around them in such a way that Jack knew Ianto had just spoken an immutable truth. 

Because Ianto had his magic back.

Jack felt himself begin to calm.

***

Jack’s potion was slightly different from Ianto’s.  It was a bit more potent, a bit more straightforward.  Susan and Freesia had (correctly) surmised that the darkness surrounding Jack’s experiences and memories of the Year had not really anchored in his system, as yet.  In time it would, particularly if he didn’t talk about it and just kept burying it a bit deeper, every time it surfaced. 

But because the vast majority of it was unanchored, he could simply release it, now – with a bit of magical assistance in the form of a rather powerful potion.  And so he did.  It took a few days, and it took some reassuring for Ianto to realize that this was different from his experience, where he needed to talk through the things in order to un-anchor them for release.

Ianto needed that reassurance, because he was too exhausted to stay awake and talk to Jack.  But all Jack needed was Ianto’s warm, steady presence as he wept the darkness from his system.  Some moments were actually easier to bear if there was no one to witness them.  Ianto clutched Jack tightly, holding him in a firm embrace whether awake or asleep, and Jack found that it was more than enough.

And so, all of that unanchored pain was released.  He and Ianto had talked through the things that had become anchored (from ‘wrong’ to ‘freak’ to Ianto’s capture and death), and after an intense and draining five days, he had released everything that had not been anchored. 

Later, Jack would be surprised to find that he had released everything unanchored, whether it related to the Year, or not.  And he was confident that he could release anything else that was anchored if he felt up to talking about it at any point in his future. 

It was a very freeing feeling.

Once the potion had done its duty, Jack was left feeling empty and clear, like a fine crystal container.  Or… he chuckled as the thought of baubles came to him, once more.  In truth, he felt exhausted, but he also felt lighter.  Freer. 

“You look as though you’ve set down a great burden,” Ianto smiled, leaning up an elbow in order to get a proper look at Jack, who was very pleased that Ianto had not otherwise moved from where he lay draped over him.  Jack took great comfort in having Ianto’s weight and warmth pressing him into the bed.

“I feel shiny and new,” Jack said, smiling.  But then the smile faded, and he frowned.  “Did they dose me?”

“You were spinning out, a bit,” Ianto nodded.  “I think they saw their chance and took it.”  He leaned down and gave Jack a sweet, soft kiss.  “You okay?”

Jack drew in a deep breath, then let it out slowly, checking in with his body, his mind, his heart.  Then a slow smile spread across his face again.  “I am,” he realized.  Then he got a good look at Ianto, who was watching his own fingers caress Jack’s cheek, tracing along his jawline, stroking tenderly down his neck...

Ianto’s expression was fond but still guarded, like he was afraid any moment Jack would lash out because of his ministrations.  It was amazing that he was exploring at all, but Jack wanted him to feel fearless in his explorations.  So he did the only thing he could think to begin building Ianto’s confidence.

He closed his eyes and smiled, sighing happily as he leaned in to every touch.  He felt Ianto give a small jolt of surprise, but then he relaxed against Jack, showing how tense he had been.  “Thi…” Jack heard Ianto swallow.  “This is alright, then?”

Jack opened his eyes and let Ianto see exactly how alright it was.  “I love it when you touch me, Ianto.  And I want you to be able to do so, without fear.  How can I help?”

“Just,” Ianto sniffed and looked away.  When he looked back, his eyes shone.  “Just bear with me.  This is all still so new, for me.”

“That I can do,” Jack smiled gently.

***

Ianto focused on beginning his recovery in earnest.  There was a comfortable chair still in the room, as well as a round table where they could eat, with enough room for four or five people to comfortably sit and eat – six or seven if they were willing to crowd together.

Ianto began spending more time sitting up, and Susan conjured a chair so Jack could sit with him.  Ianto did not yet have the wherewithal for anything to hold his attention, but Jack kept him up to date on what was going on in Cardiff through conversation, with the occasional question about a form that Ianto normally filled out for him.  It seemed an innocuous way to help him begin to re-engage.

Ianto was still working through his exhaustion, so getting up and sitting at the table for breakfast, followed by a short walk along the hallways, was enough for him to need a bit of rest.  He would sleep until lunchtime, but after food and another short walk, he would sit in the chair and listen to Jack mutter his way through his paperwork.  Sometimes he would nod off, but others he would offer to help Jack.

As the days wore on and his stamina improved, he and Jack would sometimes move to the table to work on the paperwork together.  Bill was taking Jack to the hub every few days so he could check in and get a new batch of files to work through, so there was never any shortage of things to do.

That Wednesday, Ianto woke from his nap before Jack and Bill returned from the hub.  He decided to make his way to the Janus Thickey ward and visit with his parents for a while before his grandmother arrived.  She was happy to see him up and about, but his fatigue was concerning.  He was not meant to try to push past it, but it was such an ingrained habit that he just seemed to do it, without thinking.

She accompanied him back to his room, where she joined him for lunch.  Bill and Jack returned just before the food was brought in.  She noticed that Jack was later getting back than normal – he didn’t like for Ianto to wake without him being here – but before she could remark upon it, Ianto asked.

“Everything alright?”

“Things are good.  Rift’s pretty quiet.  The Brig’s men are being helpful without stepping out of line.  Toshiko says hello and Owen says he misses your coffee.”

“Not in those words, I’d guess,” Ianto replied, his lips quirking in amusement.

“You know him well,” Jack chuckled.  He hesitated, then admitted, “Gwen caught me before we could head back out.”

“Ah,” Ianto said, and Augusta frowned as she saw what little bit of energy he’d had sort of wisp away, like fog in the morning sun.

“Tosh had already told me there were no emergencies, so I told Gwen to put whatever it is in a report, and I’d pick it up the next time I’m there,” Jack said with as unstudied an air as he could manage whilst still watching Ianto for a reaction to his words.

Ianto frowned, then blinked.  He gave every indication of trying to translate something into a comprehensible format.  It would have been adorable if it wasn’t yet another sign that Jack had favored Gwen and made Ianto doubt his affections.  After a full half-minute of working through Jack’s reply like one of Tosh’s equations, Ianto blinked again, and then gave a small, shy smile.

Jack gave a sigh of relief at an obstacle successfully negotiated.  He took Ianto’s hand and kissed the knuckles before launching into an update on all that had been happening at the hub.

Augusta noticed what Jack had warned her of – that it was a bit of a battle to get Ianto to eat.  She knew better than to try to coax him with his old favorites, so she had asked Jack what he liked, now.

With that in mind, once they had (in Ianto’s case nominally) eaten their lunch, she pulled out a batch of homemade chocolate chip biscuits that were more chocolate chip than biscuit.  Upon seeing the closest thing to delight that Ianto had shown over any type of food, Susan went and fetched a giant glass of milk and they all watched with relish as Ianto devoured several biscuits before sitting back from the table with a sigh of satisfaction.

***