Cursed

Jack had been truthful with Ianto.  The killing curse made for an easy death, and this latest revival had been by far the easiest in his vast experience.  It had been a gentle awakening rather than feeling like being shredded by broken glass.  But even so, dying was dying, and it took a lot out of Jack.  So he slept deeply as his psyche recovered.

When he woke, it was just before dawn, and he found himself being watched by a pair of lovely blue eyes.  He wondered yet again how the ugliness of the Carrows’ curses had rendered such a thing of beauty.  Bill had explained that the aim of the curse had been to change each feature into something so distinctly different that no similarity to the original could be discerned.  But to Jack, that didn’t really explain how Ianto had been the result.  It boggled his mind that such loveliness was nothing more than a random set of variables that were simply “other than” Neville Longbottom.

They had shown him wizarding pictures of Neville, a bashful, awkward young man with a shy smile that Jack immediately recognized the shape of.  But that was simply his personality shining through.  The discomfort around strangers was completely at odds with the confidence he had in his abilities.  In those photographs, Neville had been both a seasoned warrior and an endearingly self-conscious young man.  Ianto had retained those characteristics, at the least.

“Good morning,” Jack gave the younger man a sleepy smile.

Ianto, who obviously hadn’t remembered his ‘blank canvas’ days, was staring at Jack with something akin to wonder.  “You stayed,” he smiled, and Jack knew the coming sunrise would pale in comparison.

His smile broadened as he realized he was turning into a compete sap, and he couldn’t be sorry for it.  He hadn’t felt so thoroughly besotted in a very long time.  But he would have to be careful.  Ianto would think it was merely gratitude, when it was more a matter of Jack giving himself permission to stop resisting.

“I did promise,” Jack teased, kissing Ianto on the nose.

“You did, but…”

“No buts.  The curses are gone, and things are going to be different, now.”

“Good different?” Ianto looked a bit nervous.

“The best kind of different,” Jack assured him.

Ianto snuggled into Jack’s chest, and they held onto one another for quite a while.  The sky had lightened and the sun was almost up before they stirred, neither sleeping, but both finding rest and ease in the embrace.  Ianto was the first to break the silence.

“Thank you, Jack.”

“Sleeping with you is no hardship, Ianto,” Jack smiled.  “In fact, I’ve found it to be quite the opposite.”  He kissed the wizard’s head before adding, “Fewer nightmares.”

“Mmm,” Ianto hummed his agreement.  “Was it terrible, fighting them?”

“Nah,” Jack said, and though his reply was flippant, his tone was not.  He knew Ianto would need to know more about the demise of two people who had doubtless become his own personal demons.  “They’d been hidden for so long, they were out of practice.”

“But you said they took out all three of the very powerful and talented Aurors that you accompanied,” Ianto pointed out.

“True, but I think there was a time that they would have just killed all four of us, outright.”

Ianto shivered, and Jack drew him closer.  “But you got the drop on them.”

“Only because Hermione distracted them.  They didn’t realize I was there.  And they let down their guard, once she was stunned.”

“I often think that people underestimate you, very much to their detriment.”

Jack smiled.  He rather liked that idea.  Actually, it was the reason he often played the flirtatious fool.  It kept people underwhelmed.

“And it didn’t hurt badly?” Ianto asked.  “The killing curse?”

Jack was glad Ianto had remembered that bit, from the night before.

“Not really.  But I was pretty busy making sure my shot wasn’t going to miss its target.”

“Tell me again how you shot him in the face.”

“I shot him in the face, just as the world turned a bit green.”

Ianto shuddered.  “I felt it, that you were gone.”

“I’m not sure I understand that,” Jack said.

“Don’t you feel it?” Ianto asked.  “It’s like a violin string made of light, stretched between us.  And it’s always… singing.  Always thrumming, between us.  I think we take turns, strumming it, keeping the song alive.  Up until now, it hasn’t been on purpose.  But… close your eyes.”

Jack did as Ianto asked, and then gasped as he felt the tether between them vibrate.  As he focused on it, he realized that it did feel like a song.  He opened his eyes and smiled at Ianto.

“Now you try,” Ianto returned his smile, then laughed when Jack managed to do it.

“So did the… string… break?” Jack asked.

Ianto shook his head.  “Think of it like an actual violin string.  We can only play it, if we’re both holding onto it.  The string was still there, but you weren’t, so you couldn’t hold it.  And so the song stopped, while you were gone.”

“Did it hurt?” Jack dreaded the answer.

Ianto nodded. 

“I’m so sorry,” Jack said.  “I had no idea that would happen.”

Ianto nodded again and rubbed one of his eyes in that little boy way that told Jack that he still had a long way to go, to recover.  It was so endearing that Jack pulled him close and kissed his temple, holding onto him for a few minutes.  But he seemed to be holding up pretty well, so Jack decided to continue their conversation.

“Ianto, do you remember what you did, the day you got your magic back?”

He loosened his hold and allowed Ianto to lean away, again.  The younger man looked wary.  Almost frightened.  “I…” he choked for a moment.

Shit.  “Shh, no.  It’s okay.  I was asking what you remembered, so you wouldn’t be confused when I thank you.”

“Thank me?”

“Thank you,” Jack nodded, “For healing me.”

“I… I did what I could, but it wasn’t…  What I did, it was the only way to make you… less immortal.  The only way to make you fully mortal would have been to kill you, and I…  I couldn’t do that.  To you, I mean.”

“You mean it would have killed us both,” Jack realized, appalled.

Ianto shrugged, like his life didn’t matter.  Given the curses he’d endured, it shouldn’t have surprised Jack to discover that the despair had not left his lover, entirely.  But it still hurt.

“And do you know…” he wasn’t sure how to say it.  “About our lifespans?”

Ianto sniffed.  “I hope,” he hesitated, then his eyes met Jack’s, and there was so much fear and uncertainty, it made Jack’s heart ache.  “I hope you’ll stay.  Just…  Just for a little while.”

“Stay,” Jack frowned.  And then he realized.  Ianto didn’t expect Jack to stay with him.  He didn’t think Jack loved him.  He was preparing himself for the certain heartbreak of Jack leaving him, and…

The realization crashed down on Jack like a hungry Weevil on an overripe dumpster.  Ianto had healed Jack and consigned himself to an extraordinarily long life, fully expecting Jack to walk away from him.  Fully expecting that he would be left to endure that long life, all alone.

“Ianto, I’m not going anywhere,” Jack said.  “I want to be with you as long as you’ll have me.”

Ianto shook his head.  “No,” he said miserably.

“No?” Jack was confused, now.  Didn’t Ianto just ask him to stay?

“I don’t want you to stay, just out of gratitude,” Ianto said, confirming Jack’s earlier fear.  “You’ll end up hating me, if you do that.”

“Oh, my Love,” Jack drew Ianto back into his arms.  “I’ve been so unfair to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have held you at arm’s length, because I knew one day I’d lose you.  I thought maybe it would hurt less, if I gave you less.  But you gave me everything, even before any of this happened, with finding out you’re a wizard, and the curses and the healings.  You held nothing back, and it was always going to hurt anyway, and I shouldn’t have given you anything less than everything, because that’s what you are, to me.”

Ianto had leaned back, his eyes wide with shock.  “You can’t say things like that, Jack.”

Jack smiled sadly.  “I can if they’re true.  Right?”

Ianto frowned.  “Don’t tease me, Sir,” he scolded.

“You told me once that you don’t think I’m a cruel man.  Do you still believe that?”

“Yes,” Ianto said without hesitation, but then added, “When you’re not being manipulated by curses, you are not cruel.”

Jack winced but kept going.  “Then why would I tease you about this?”

“I don’t know,” Ianto said, letting out another sob.  “I’m so confused!”

“Shh,” Jack soothed him with kisses and cuddles and gentle words.  “I’m not cruel.  And I’m not teasing.  You mean everything to me, and I want to start showing you that, rather than pushing you away and creating a distance between us.  And just so you know, I had decided to do this, even before you healed me, because there is no scenario in which losing you wouldn’t hurt, so I wasn’t really sparing myself, and all I was doing was hurting you.”

“It did hurt,” Ianto confessed.  “But I understood, Jack.”

“Of course you did,” Jack kissed his head again.  “You are so tuned in to me, you know all my hurts and comforts.  You know just how to make everything perfect.”

“And… you want to be with me?” Ianto’s voice was so small, Jack almost didn’t hear.

“For as long as you’ll have me,” Jack smiled.

Jack wouldn’t have thought it possible, but Ianto pressed himself even closer to him.  He pressed his ear to Jack’s chest, just over his heart, and wrapped his arms around Jack, holding him with all his strength.

“Careful, Sir,” he said, his voice full of emotion.  “You know I’m really bad at letting people go.”  As though to prove his words, he held Jack even closer.

“Your loyalty is only one of the many things I admire about you,” Jack murmured into Ianto’s hair.  He hated the fact that now wasn’t the right moment, but it was a well-established fact that he could be a patient man.

“The curses made you say such terrible things to me,” Ianto said, and Jack felt his tears.  “And now you’re saying such lovely things.  It’s…”

“Jarring?”  Jack smiled, and Ianto huffed.  Turning serious, he asked, “Or hard to believe?”

“It hurts to hear,” Ianto confessed, and Jack kissed his head again.  “Because I really want to believe you.”

“But?”

“But it’s hard, with the awful things still ringing in my ears.”

“I guess we’ll just have to get you used to hearing sweet things,” Jack smiled again, then hesitated.  “Unless you want me to stop…”

“Please don’t,” Ianto sighed, burrowing closer.

***