Cursed

Hermione huffed, but Jack was relieved that Ianto wouldn’t be stuck with him, against the younger man’s will.  He wasn’t entirely convinced that Ianto had realized the ramifications of what he had done.

“It looks a lot like the tether that allows an astral traveler to find their body again,” Susan said.  “Of course, that’s a silver cord, but this feels very similar.”

“Maybe, but there are some big differences,” Bill said.  “If the silver cord is cut, the person’s astral projection is permanently separated from their body, and they die.”

“Can this be cut?” Jack asked quickly, and winced as Hermione hissed at him, again.  “I’m not saying I want to, but what if Ianto didn’t realize this would happen?  What if he doesn’t want to be tied to me, like this?”

“As I said, you can go your separate ways without any great impact,” Bill said.  “No need to speak of destroying something beautiful, if it can simply be ignored.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack said, scrubbing his face again.  He really was making a muddle of this, but he was just so tired.  “I didn’t mean to offend you, and I’m not saying I don’t want to be with Ianto.  I’m just trying to understand what’s happened.”

“Of course you are,” Susan quickly replied.  “This is a fundamental change, for you.”

“I suppose it’s a lot to take in,” Bill said, sighing.  “Your system’s been heavily taxed, too.  It will probably take a bit of time and rest for you to regain your equilibrium.”

“I don’t want him to regret this,” Jack said quietly.  “But I know he will.  He has condemned himself to an impossibly long life.  I’ve only lived a couple hundred years, and I’m tired.  Thousands more?”  He shuddered.  “I know it’s not forever…  Well, I’m still getting used to the idea that it might not be forever, but it’s still longer than a human was designed for.  I don’t want that, for him.”

“But what about what he wants, for you?” Hermione asked.  “Or for himself, for that matter?  If I know how much you hate your immortality, I know damned well that he knows it.  He has just made a tremendous sacrifice for you!”

“I know!” Jack had to keep himself from shouting.  “I know,” he repeated, his voice quieter.  “He’s done this, and I don’t… I don’t deserve it.”

“Clearly, he thinks differently, and I am far more inclined to trust his judgment than yours,” she replied tartly.

At that, Jack blinked.  Then he burst out laughing.  Hermione giggled.  The others joined in, the tension having been broken by the exchange.  When the laughter died down, Jack ran his hand through Ianto’s hair, and in his sleep the younger man leaned in to his lover’s touch.

“So after he helped me, he went into shock?” Jack asked.

“Yes,” Susan answered.  “I can’t say that wouldn’t have happened, no matter what.  It has been an extremely taxing few days.  But there was a strange unresponsiveness that had us concerned.  It has settled, now, but I think it might take him a while to come back to himself, after everything.”

“Did helping me make it worse?” Jack asked.

“It didn’t make more symptoms,” she answered honestly, “but there is a chance that it amplified the ones he was already experiencing.”  As Jack’s shoulders slumped, she quickly added, “And we will deal with all of it.  I think he’s going to sleep for a couple of days.  When he wakes, we’ll work on settling the physical discomfort from the changes they made to his appearance.”

“You said that he would have been in constant pain,” Jack said, feeling guilty yet again for not having seen this.

“Don’t beat yourself up, Jack,” Ron said.  “He was bullied a lot in school, but his way of handling it was to never let anyone see that it hurt.  He’s an expert in not showing his pain.”

“And remember, it wasn’t something he’d have been able to describe,” Susan reminded him.  “It was most likely a throbbing sort of ache.  Like growing pains.”

“Can you make it go away?” Jack did not want to imagine his lover having to endure growing pains for ten thousand years.

“Yes,” Susan nodded.  “We can help his body settle into its new form.  That will eliminate the pain.”  She looked to the others before saying, “It’s actually a complicated set of potions, so I’m going to go down to the apothecary to be sure they have everything they need in order to have a preparation ready, when he wakes.”

“Thank you, Susan,” Bill said as she left the room.  He turned back to Jack.  “He does seem more comfortable, with you beside him.  I think you should both sleep for as long as you need to.  One of us will stay with you, at all times.”  He turned to the others.  “We can take it in four-hour shifts.  If you’ll stay for a few minutes, I’ll go collect some work to do, and then you can go.”

“I’ll set up a rota, while you’re gone,” Hermione offered, and he nodded to her and departed.

Jack felt worn out from the conversation, so he dove back under the covers, seeking Ianto’s warmth.  He let out a chuckle as Ianto gave a shiver, even as he shifted to get Jack closer.  Jack took heart at this bit of normal behavior from Ianto, despite his exhaustion and heavy sleep.

But Jack’s mind was spinning, so despite his fatigue, sleep did not come easily.  Why had Ianto done this?  Well, Jack could take a guess, and be confident he was right.  Of course he knew that Ianto loved him.  And so, he knew that because Ianto did nothing by halves, least of all love, he would have sacrificed anything to help Jack.

And Ianto knew how Jack hated his immortality.  Jack had ranted and raved, after his return.  Ianto had been the natural eyewitness to Jack processing the horror of his permanence.  So, yes.  Ianto knew with certainty that Jack would have done almost anything to be normal, again.

Did Ianto know the imperfection of his solution?  Most likely.  But Jack knew by instinct that this had been the only solution.  And the more he thought about it, the more hopeful he felt.  His greatest fears had been the burden of forever and the horror of facing it alone.  His lifespan now had a terminus.  And, if Ianto would have him…

He settled even closer to Ianto, wishing he was awake and pulling Jack closer, as well.  He found himself inexplicably more afraid than he had ever been, despite a rather convincing demonstration of love and devotion from his beloved.  Or perhaps it was because of it.  What if, now that he had made a declaration of his own, Jack was deemed unworthy?

But he knew better.  Owen had always called Ianto a sucker because of his unwavering loyalty.  It was one of the younger man’s defining characteristics.  How insulted would he be, if he knew that Jack doubted him, now?

And it was insulting.  But Jack just felt so unworthy.  He was not a good man.  He had told Ianto that, once.  Ianto had shrugged, and Jack would never forget his words.

“You’re just used to seeing yourself as a bad man.  It’s become something of a habit with you, but there is ample evidence to the contrary.  Shall I compile a list, Sir?”

Ianto had made a compelling argument, that night, punctuated by an abundance of… positive reinforcement.  And he’d been right – it was a tough habit to overcome.  But even Jack acknowledged that he had worked damned hard to do so.  Still.  It was an intimidating thought.  Ianto had clearly deemed Jack worthy. 

But what if he changed his mind?

Ianto shifted beneath him, slightly, and he knew that his worried mind and busy thoughts had disturbed the younger man’s rest.  He did his best to slow his thoughts and calm his mind.  And out of nowhere, an image came to him.  Of Ianto continuing to try to help Lisa, even after all hope was clearly lost.

Ianto wasn’t going to change his mind, was he?

Jack smiled and calmed.  The stubborn Welsh bastard would never give up on him.  He just needed to be sure to return the favor.  And he had his own track record, to give him hope.  After all, he had spent a hell of a lot of time, not giving up on the Doctor.  In the end, it was the Doctor who had given up on him, and he needed to remember that Ianto could never do that. 

Nor could Jack.

It was with that thought that Jack drifted into a deep, peaceful sleep.

***

Jack slept for a solid day.  When he woke, he felt much more settled, in himself.  He got up and showered and ate, and chatted with Harry.  When Hermione arrived to relieve Harry, he took Jack first to Ianto’s flat to pack some things, and then the Hub.  It was a stroke of luck that Owen and Gwen were on a callout for rift debris.  Toshiko gave Jack a hug and told him to take good care of Ianto, and assured him that they would be fine.

As they left, Jack began pondering the possible benefits of expanding the team so that it wasn’t spread so thin, when people were out for one reason or another.  He had fought the idea for so long, but now he couldn’t find sufficient justification for running his people so ragged.

They apparated back to St. Mungo’s with the bags.  Jack was certain Ianto would have something to say about how his things had been packed, but Jack wanted to get back to him.  When they returned, Hermione said that perhaps he would waken soon, as he had begun moving around a bit more.  But as they watched him, they realized he was simply more restless.

Jack took off his shoes and climbed into the bed, sitting against the headboard.  Drawn to his warmth, Ianto almost immediately pressed himself close to Jack’s legs, resting his head on the older man’s thigh and flinging an arm across his knees.  Jack wrapped the blanket snugly around Ianto, and he gave a great sigh and relaxed back into a deeper sleep.

***