Hey Man, I Love You, But No Fucking Way
The rabbit hole of all Sirius' past discography didn't help him at all. He found oh-so-many heartbreaking songs that he knew were about him. After listening to Family Line, Class of 2013, Tolerate it, he realised that most of his sister's songs were deeply emotional.
The internet had done a bad job introducing Sirius to the world. He had so, so much potential to be seen as a lyricist. A poet. His lyrics were priceless and Regulus would give anything to be that good. Instead, they had presented him as an object. A mainstream, pop singer who doesn't know better than to fuck around the industry. And their parents were responsible for it.
They were the ones who even forced her into all this, exploited her and made her feel useless. Sirius didn't deserve it.
Regulus hated it. He wanted only the best for his sibling. He had to write something now. It felt important to him that Sirius knows that Regulus appreciates him more than anything.
He gets up quickly, ignoring Casper's protests and strides over to the other side of his room. He picks up his blue koi fish quitar. He can't lose track of this newly-found inspiration now. He immediately starts strumming. He tried to come up with a melody, any melody.
Then, as if on their own accord, his fingers found their way and an all too familiar sound started playing. It was melancholic, wistful. It was haunting and raw. Because it already existed.
Sirius and he had made up the melody when they were little, trying to tune out the blaring voices of their parents' constant fighting. To tune out the breaking of plates and the sarcastic laughs coming from both of their parents, followed by screams and yelps. It was haunting.
The lyrics came on their own.
It's no big surprise you turned out this way
When they close their eyes and prayed you would change
And they cut your hair and sent you away
It was real. It was raw. It was sincere. He was saying everything he missed out on saying and was too afraid to say. Sirius will know. Only if Walburga even lets him release it.
He's thinking too far ahead, he needs to finish this song now. Now. He thinks about the last time he saw Sirius in their old house.
You stopped by my room the night you escaped
With tears in my eyes, i begged you to stay
You said: "Hey man, i love you, but no fucking way"
Regulus remembers that moment as if it was yesterday. There was no way in hell Sirius would stay. If she did, Walburga would've killed her. They both knew that. If Sirius had stayed, Regulus is sure she wouldn't have lasted another day. It was extremely dangerous that day.
He tries to continue the vibe of the song. He mentions his friends and him getting drunk, stripping down to their underwear and jumping into a lake just to feel something. Just 2 days after Sirius had left.
Then, he comes up with some new stuff that he is most definitely going to dream about. Why does he do this to himself?
Make sure you kiss your knuckles before you punch me in the face
There are lessons to be learned, consequences for all the stupid things I say
And it is no big surprise you turned out this way
Regulus blacks out, swaying to the non-existent beat he's created in his head and doesn't remember writing anything down. Good thing he turned his audio recorder on his phone on.
He is nearing the end of the song, coming up with a lyric about his brother's friends. They had went to the same school, Regulus having to see his brother happier with them than with Regulus. It shook him to his core and he hadn't been the same since then. He used to dream about being friends with them. Just to get Sirius' attention. Also, maybe, James'.. Nevermind.
She hopes I'm cursed forever to
Sleep on a twin-sized mattress
In somebody's attic or basement my whole life
Never graduating up in size to add another
And my nightmares will have nightmares every night
Walburga is dreading the day Regulus gets out of his deal with Black Records, he knows it.Just one more album, he thinks. She wishes him the worst. Never believed in him, never supporting his transition fully.
He had tried to follow Sirius' footsteps, once. It didn't work out well. His best friend, Pandora, helped. She welcomed him with open arms, but Walburga ruined it all. She made up this act about missing him and how he still had a deal to fulfill.
When they came home, she almost killed him. It hurt because Sirius wasn't there anymore. Not there to protect him. From their own mother. From the clients she had had. She gained so much from it, from exploiting her young daughter and her innocence. Regulus only got trauma. And nightmares. And panic attacks. And a horrible relationship with intimacy.
He shakes his head to get those thought out of his mind. If he thinks about it too hard, he'll be there again. Regulus doesn't want that.
He finishes up the song, adding to the verses and creating a chorus. It just kept coming. He doesn't think any other song of his is this honest. That's what's so scary about it.
Maybe one day, he'll be like Sirius. Be confident about himself.
After finishing the song up, he feels dizzy. Confused he checks the time on his phone, 3:54 AM, his phone says.
He feels a sharp pain in his chest, of course. He'd spent the whole day in his binder and hadn't bothered taking it off after the whole scandal. He consideres keeping it on. Feeling like himself for a little while. He knows that his friends would kill him, though. Especially Sirius, if he saw him...
But Regulus feels so great with it on. Getting to look into the mirror and see a flat chest and short hair. It fills a hole in his heart.
He decides to keep it on. It's a stupid idea, really. But he relishes in the feeling. No one would see him tomorrow, right? He could just tell his friends he wanted some alone time. Panda and Cas would understand. Evan would peel Barty off Regulus' door and he'd have peace for the day. Regulus was self-destructive like that. It was better than cutting his skin apart, though.
Perfect.
Regulus went back to his bed, Casper immediately jumping on with him and curling up to his chest.
After a few moments, he closed his eyes and let himself think. His mind drifted off to James. Beautiful, sweet James who protected him tonight. Who stood up for him. He was amazing. He thought about how good James looked. Even after running with Sirius after Lucius.
He drifted off to the tought of James that night.