It's Over, Isn’t It? [Flashback]
It was the end of the seventh year, and Remus felt void. This moment had been glorified since the day they stepped on Hogwarts grounds, but now that Remus was here, one of the top at his class, too, and he felt terribly off. His smile wasn't genuine, and although he enjoyed moments, he never enjoyed the entire picture. He had made up with his friends, but it would never truly be the same. No jokes would be shared with the same laugh. No comfort could be offered between them. It became a chore to stick around. Friendship morphed into an accessory to get nagging voices out of your head.
He would never admit the ache he felt about it still. He would never admit the ache he felt as he said one last goodbye to Hogwarts. He would never admit he was starting to doubt himself.
Remus stuck around all his friends the entire day, but he was hardly paying attention, let alone talking to them. Loud and excited voices faded into a buzzing background noise as Remus stayed deep in thought and pretended to read. What did the future hold in store for him? What could he do? As he added everything up in his head, the options became slimmer and slimmer. He was lost, useless. His friends felt like nothing more than a distant memory, and he couldn't think of anything he had planned for himself that he could actually do himself. For once, Remus had actually started to think he really was nothing at all. He couldn't do anything without the help of others except pass a few tests and read books. God, he really was just a worthless freak, wasn't he?
They all stepped out of the Hogwarts express together. James and Lily were attached at the hip, and Remus was sure it'd stay that way for years to come. They already had plans, didn't they? Peter smiled softly as he watched their friends, and Sirius was blaring bright as always. And Remus was, well, Remus was just Remus. Petty, heartbroken, and sorrowful.
“Well, I suppose this is finally the long awaited, but dreadful I swear it, goodbye, my friends,” James exclaimed loudly, adding a bit of dramatic flair. Sirius fell onto him with a dramatically stupid yet oddly charming, fake faint and pout to match James. The way Sirius pretended to be the biggest drama queen in the world never failed to make Remus roll his eyes. It always had been one of his favorite things about him, though.
“Merlin, I can't believe it! The marauders' legacy is gone just like that!” Sirius shouted loud enough for everyone in the station to hear.
“Please, Sirius, it'll take a bloody hell of a lot more to break you guys up. Even if we were to die where we stand, your legacy is long protected,” Lily remarked with a small smile, trying to hide her amusement. She always was terrible at hiding the fact that she loved James' antics.
“Plus, Sirius, aren't you staying with James until you actually get a job? We'll hardly be separated at all!” Peter added. Remus bit his lip, a bit pained at the statement. This was stupid.
Remus felt stupid. He felt stupid for caring so much about something so small. He felt stupid for holding onto something that happened over a year ago. He felt stupid for being so incapable of just speaking and doing what he actually wanted to do. No matter how stupid he felt for it, though, he wouldn't change.
Everyone was giving hugs goodbye, and Remus’ heartbeat sped up when Sirius was the only one he had left to say goodbye to. Sirius's eyes looked a little sore, sad. He knew that Remus wasn't all there, especially not for him.
“Goodbye, Remus,” Sirius whispered, starting to walk away.
Driving only on impulse, Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand quickly and stopped him. Sirius’ eyes widened, but before he could say anything, Remus gently hugged him. It was hardly anything. Remus' arms hung slightly and weren't fully wrapped around Sirius, but the sentiment was there still. For a moment there, Sirius thought there might have been more intent behind the sudden action.
“Goodbye, Sirius.”
~~~~~~
Remus started to feel a bit better when he got home. He didn't have to think about all the problems he left back at platform 9 ¾ with his friends. He could lay back with the comfort of his parents until he got a job and a decent place to stay. He was welcomed with the smell of apple cinnamon(a candle that Hope burned all year round ever since Remus was a baby) as soon as he stepped through the door. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, settling back down with the familiar comfort of being home.
“There's my baby,” Hope said fondly, a smile evident in her voice. Oh, how Remus missed that voice.
“Hi, mom,” Remus said, his voice cracking a bit. He thought he might cry when Hope brought him in for a hug.
Remus took another deep breath as he lay in Hope's arms. The nostalgic smell of the same fruity perfume she always wore filled Remus with warmth. The softness of her old cardigan and the soothing nature of her touch surely helped. He was so happy he came home. He was so grateful to have her.
He wasn't ready for her to pull away from the hug, but as soon as she did, she brought her hands up to Remus’ face and gently held it. Remus leaned into her touch, never wanting to separate from it. Her thumb gently wiped away a tear from Remus’ cheek. Remus failed to notice or care that he had actually started to cry.
“Oh, baby, why are you crying? You can't have missed me that much, could you?”
Remus choked, starting to fall apart. “I-I missed you so much, Momma.”
Hope softly smiled, bringing Remus in again, although closer than the first time. She slowly swayed with him in his arms, and even though it was awkward with the huge height difference, it was the best thing in the world. “It's okay, baby. I'm here. I'll always be here for you. You don't have to worry.”
Hope held him like that until he had finally calmed down. He slowly leaned off to look at her again, giving her a shaky half smile. She giggled and turned back to look at Lyall, who had been standing against a nearby wall watching the two. As Remus followed Hope's gaze to look up at his father, he almost broke again. Quickly, he moved to him, snatching him up in a huge hug.
“Woah there, boy, I'm not getting any younger,” Lyall spoke with a chuckle. Remus didn't care. He hugged him until his arms were sore, and he thought he broke Lyalls back.
That evening went better than Remus could've ever hoped for. Being home was amazing, and Remus didn't want that night to end. He knew it was going to be the only happy night he'd have for a while and he wanted to milk every second of it. Unfortunately, though, that wouldn't make it last any longer.
Right before bed, as Remus sat alone on the couch with a cup of tea from a pot of tea he made for dinner, Hope joined his side. She sat close with her arm wrapped around Remus. He turned to her with a slightly confused expression. That expression quickly faded when she started to play with his hair.
“I'm worried for you, darling.” Hope finally spoke. It made Remus ache a little.
“Why,” he asked as if the answer wasn't obvious.
“You're not well, are you? You come home crying. You barely eat your meal, and you force a smile. Your letters lately seem to be remorseful. What's wrong?”
Remus shakily inhaled, and he contemplated lying for a moment. No one could lie to Hope, though. “..I'm, well, I'm scared. Nothing feels quite right, and I seem to be losing myself.”
“You always have such a clever way of finding things, though.”
Remus smiled. “I suppose. But you don't understand, Momma. Ever since my fifth year at school, I haven't been able to move past what happened. God, that's stupid, isn't it? It's been so long, and I still can't look at Sirius, my friends, I mean, in the face. It still hurts.”
“I remember when you first came home after that. I remember how upset you were, just like you are now. Can I be honest with you, baby?”
“I hope so.”
“Remorse, grievance, depression, anxiety, guilt, regret, and anger are all diseases we are sick from. A disease that never goes away. A disease you, me, and your father have experienced plenty of. I know when you're as sick as we all are, it's hard to have any hope. It's hard to move forward and stay strong. But we all have to remember that there's medicine. We have to remember that we have to hope and pray to get through it and survive. We have to remember that we have support through it. We have to remember that getting sick is a part of life, and those infections help us grow stronger.”
“You're trying to relate this to when you were actually sick, aren't you? It's not the same, I can promise you that.”
“When I was ill, Remus, I felt just as lost as you. I felt weak and worthless. I didn't feel like I could do it, but as soon as I saw how strong you and your father remained. As soon as I saw you guys working hard to make sure I got better. As soon as I saw the hurt in your eyes looking at me in that terrible state, I wanted to get better. I needed to get better. I truly don't believe that I would have made it if I didn't get that motivation to keep going. If I didn't have you two,” Hope slowly brought her hand up and turned Remus’ face to look at her directly, “I'd be lost. …You have to try Remus. You can't sit still and do nothing. I know things have been tough, but it is not worth losing your friends. It is not worth losing yourself. You can keep going, baby, I promise.”
“It's not that easy.”
“It never is, but you can't stop trying.”
Remus paused, swallowing down his emotions and hesitantly nodding. “I'll try - I'll try for you.”
Hope smiled. “That's my boy. Come here.” Hope pulled Remus into another tight and warm embrace. “You're going to do great things, Remus.”
That was everything Remus could ever ask of his mother. Although he never did get completely on his feet, it was enough of a push to get him farther than he would ever make it alone. It was enough of a push to get him a decent paying muggle job and apartment and at least a monthly call to his friends. It was enough for him to become comfortable with himself and start to genuinely smile again.