A Fresh Start
Remus rushed to James and Lily’s house as soon as he heard. His breath was rough and heavy. He was blinking back tears and was tense as he tried to prevent his emotions from getting the best of him. He parked his car haphazardly, getting out as fast as he could. He nearly broke at the sound of high-pitched screams. It was only made worse with the familiar slim figure he saw in the doorway.
Sirius Black stood at the open door inside with one year old Harry loosely held in his arms. He stared at Remus with wide, scared eyes. When Remus got close enough to where the dark wasn't hiding Sirius’ features, he could see the tears staining his face as he endlessly sobbed.
“Remus I,” Sirius' voice was broken and quiet. “I was too late. I didn't.. I couldn't.. Remus, please.”
Remus couldn't say anything. He couldn't think. He looked to Harry, then back to Sirius. It had been such a long, long time since he saw Sirius this hurt. It had been so long since he himself was this hurt. The only thing coherent running through Remus’ brain was ‘why?’. Remus slowly brought Sirius close into a tight hug. With his face half buried in Sirius’ unkempt hair while he gazed at Harry, Remus did the only thing he knew to comfort the situation. He spoke softly, trying with everything he had to hide the shake in his voice.
“It's okay.”
~~~~~~
The drive back to Remus’ apartment was a quiet one. Sirius was asleep in the passenger seat, still protectively clutching Harry as if he wasn't. This all felt surreal. October 31st, 1981. James and Lily are dead. Peter is missing. Sirius is in Remus’ car with James and Lily's baby. Tonight was supposed to be the three year reunion Halloween get-together. Tonight was going to be one of the few nights the marauders saw all of their favorite people together in the same room. Now, too suddenly, they were broken apart.
As Remus pulled into his flat's parking lot, Sirius blinked awake. He didn't look up or move from his position. Instead, he stared at the sleeping baby in his arms. Remus couldn't help but frown at the sight of the two. Without a word, he got out of the car and went to the other side to help Sirius and Harry out of the car. Sirius stumbled out and mindlessly followed Remus until they were inside and sat them down on a couch. Remus was thankful that Harry was still sleeping.
“I'm going to make us some tea,” Remus whispered to Sirius, leaving before he could respond.
When Remus disappeared into the kitchen, Sirius finally took everything in. He looked around the small yet oddly cozy flat. It was a mess, but it had the same comforting feeling that the Gryffindor dorm rooms had but with less red. Full of fluffy throw blankets, pillows, old carpets, books, records, and random decorations you'd expect an old man to have. As strange as it was, it reminded Sirius of the closest thing he had to a home.
Just like Remus was, he was thankful Harry was asleep, too. Sirius thought he'd shatter into pieces if he heard anymore crying, and he was sure Remus felt the same. That was another thing he couldn't move past. He was sitting in Remus’ home about to have tea after more than a year of barely seeing each other, and it was only because their best friends were dead. He truly felt he had lost himself. After all the shit that's happened, all the people who were lost, every betrayal, he was cracking and piecing apart. He felt Harry, and whatever the bloody hell he and Remus had, was all that was left for him.
Sirius looked up from the couch as the sweet smell of berry and hibiscus filled the room, mixing sweetly with the room's natural smell of parchment and chocolate. Remus held a sympathetic look on his face as if he wasn't in pain as well. For once in his life, Sirius wasn't hiding any of his pain, and perhaps that was why Remus felt the need to hide. Sirius, however, wanted Remus to blare out all his emotions. He wanted them to be honest and upfront with each other again. Although, as long back as they could recall, they could always see through eachothers facades. They always knew when something was wrong, whether or not the other one would admit to it. That was something that would never change.
Remus sat the tray of tea on the coffee table and sat down on the couch with Sirius. Sirius turned back to Harry, who was somewhere in between waking up and drifting.
“He looks exactly like Prongs,” Sirius mumbled, his voice still just as broken as it was when he was crying.
“I don't know how anyone could see anybody but Lily with those eyes.”
Sirius half smiled, although it was weak. After a second, he was suddenly frantic, turning to Remus with his eyes wide again.
“Remus. Remus, we have to protect him. Remus, we have to-”
“I can't think right now, Sirius. We're not thinking properly,” Remus interrupted, his expression only falling down every time he spoke. “let it wait until morning.”
Sirius gulped and nodded slowly, hesitantly turning back to Harry. Harry was the exact picture of his parents in every way, even as a baby. The longer Sirius stared at him, the more he crumbled at all the memories flooding back. Remus stayed silent and tried not to think about anything. Everything was bad enough. No matter what he said or thought about, guilt, anger, and pure despair were boiling and building inside him.
They had stayed silent the rest of the night, barely touching their tea. Despite Harry being on the edge of waking up again, Sirius managed to keep him asleep. Remus doesn't think he's ever seen Sirius be so gentle with something. It was admirable.
There was something melancholic about being here with Sirius and Harry after all that happened. Someone Remus had become detached from after millions of heartfelt memories were drowned out by a few mistakes and a baby Remus had only seen a few times before this moment. Although, for Sirius, it was more: Someone he had let go after loving all too much and a baby he didn't have the chance to know, but that meant the world to him nonetheless. All brought together through tragedy. And even though they have yet to know it, all of the best things come from tragic stories.
As time ticked by and the painful silence grew louder. Sirius started to fall asleep again, but he did so while spending every second protecting and caring for Harry. It was almost comedic watching Sirius struggle to fix Harry's blanket and continue to hold him tight to his chest as he drifted himself. Remus let Sirius fall, gently wrapping him in a blanket as he fell asleep completely. If there was one thing Remus knew now, it was that all of them needed rest. Once Sirius and Harry were secure and comfortable on the couch, Remus got up and slowly dragged himself into the bathroom.
When he walked into the bathroom, he started to strip his sweater to bathe or at least get ready for bed, but he found himself stiff and barely able to move. He looked down at his hands and watched them shake violently. As he gripped the sink countertop for support, he looked at himself in the mirror and watched as every held back tear finally ran down his face.
‘Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,’ he thought repetitively. He crumpled to the floor, finally letting go of the breakdown he tried so desperately to prevent.
“Why the fuck is this happening again.”
Remus stayed in that crumpled-up-paper-ball position basically the entire night. It had to have been three to four am when he finally did go to bed. Even then, he only got an hour or two of sleep. Everything was too heavy to handle. Old scars reopened like they had never closed, and they stung with harsh pain, figurative or not.
~~~~~~
The sun glared painfully bright through every window. Remus felt like he didn't sleep at all. He was groggy, tired, and upset. He didn't want to move, no matter how much he knew he had to. As he lay on top of his sheets and let the sun hit his back from the window only a few feet from his bed, he started to feel a bit better about everything. He felt like he could forget and just sink into the sheets and disappear into the warmth. He wanted to disappear. Once he heard Harry crying, though, he immediately jolted up. As he sped into the living room, he let out a heavy sigh-like exhale.
Sirius sat up straight on the couch. He gently bounced Harry in his arms and hummed quietly to try and calm him. As Remus got closer, he could start to see how both of them wore the same pitiful pout. He could also start to make out Sirius’ hums to be a song, although he didn't understand the words.
‘Pour l’amour de Dieu- Au clair de le Lune,’ Sirius sang almost too quietly to hear at all.
Despite the hushed nature of his voice, it seemed to work with Harry. It was a good distraction, Remus supposed. Remus didn't realize how well it distracted himself until Sirius had stopped and started to stare at Remus. While he was trying to hear Sirius’ voice, he had unconsciously moved towards him, leaning on the back of the couch and laying his head down in his arms.
“Good morning,” Remus whispered, partially panicked.
“Morning, Moony.”
Remus thought he'd die from embarrassment, especially at that name. That nickname had haunted him for years, but the sweetness at which Sirius said it never faded.
“Can we talk about everything that's happened now?”
Sirius sounded tired: emotionally exhausted. Remus knew why, and he understood. That didn't change how much he didn't want to do this. That didn't change how
“I'm scared, Remus,” Sirius interrupted Remus’ thoughts.
Remus paused, shocked at the statement. He could only respond with, “What?”
“I'm scared. I'm scared of what's going to happen. This is all too much. And as much as I want to sit here and sob with you, I can't. I can't move on. This isn't just something I can cry out. James and Lily are gone forever, and believe me, I want to curl up in a ball and never show myself again, but he's still out there, Remus. He's still out there looking for Harry, looking for us. Looking for me. Peter, Peter, he did the unthinkable. I know it was him. I've been blamed for the deaths of so many people when I've done nothing. You have to believe me. I didn't murder them. Why would I murder anyone? You have to know me better than that. I can't change what's happened, but I'm worried that Harry, James’ son, is going to have to grow up in fear of his life being taken every day. I'm worried that every day he is going to have to deal with the paranoia that everything he knows is going to be taken from him. I don't want him to live like that, Moony, I,”
Remus’ heart broke more with every crack of Sirius’ voice. Remus felt his weight giving in as each tear fell from Sirius’ face. Remus’ head spun faster and faster the longer he looked into Sirius’ eyes and only saw pure despair. Hooked on every word, Remus could only agree. Remus could only sympathize as both of them finally took everything in. He nodded. He listened. He heard Sirius out. For once, Remus could tell Sirius had put everything he had left into those words. Remus knew Sirius was trying to pick up what little scraps they had left.
“We can keep him safe,” Remus whispered, “I'll help you protect him.”
Sirius choked, continuing to sob. He leaned forward, and his face gently crashed into Remus' shoulder. Remus started to cry as well, and his face fell into Sirius’ hair. Suddenly, not by anyone's choice, they were forced together again. Suddenly, all they had to hold onto was each other and this baby. Suddenly, the past was empty, and the future was only full of senseless hope. If never the same again, at least together.
At least