Our Idiot Professor
Kokichi would like to say that his Friday started off peacefully, but that was not the case. Well, it wasn’t the case for anyone in the great hall when Ron Weasley received a red envelope at breakfast.
Pansy was the first to spot the envelope at the Slytherin table. Draco was rambling on about blood purity and the importance of it when Pansy grabbed all their attention.
“Boys! Look, Weasley’s got a Howler!” She said with a twisted smile.
“A what?” Kokichi asked as he turned to look at the Gryffindor table.
Ron, Harry and Longbottom were staring at a red envelope in the ginger’s hands. Kokichi could see Longbottom say something to Ron before stuffing his ears with his fingers.
“Just watch.” Draco says without even looking at Kokichi, his full attention now on Ron.
Some other students who noticed the red envelope also covered or plugged their ears like Longbottom. One kid even ducked under the table.
What the heck?! Is the letter going to explode or something?
Then a roaring sound filled the hall, shaking dust from the ceiling and the silverware on the tables.
—STEALING THE CAR, I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN SURPRISED IF THEY’D EXPECTED YOU, YOU WAIT TILL I GET HOLD OF YOU, I DON’T SUPPOSE YOU STOPPED TO THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I WENT THROUGH WHEN WE SAW IT WAS GONE!!!”
The booming voice echoed deafeningly throughout the hall grabbing everyone’s attention. Heads swiveled around to see who had received a Howler. Ron practically sank into the table until only his ginger hair could be seen.
Oh but it went on.
“ WHEN I RECEIVED A LETTER FROM DUMBLEDORE LAST NIGHT, I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER WOULD DIE OF SHAME, WE DIDN’T RAISE YOU TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS, YOU AND HARRY COULD BOTH HAVE DIED!!!”
God, Ron’s Mom was really chewing into him. Plus the envelope had turned into some kind of mouth shape and was now spitting paper at Ron.
“ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED—YOUR FATHER’S FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, ITS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT AND IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE’LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT BACK HOME!!!”
The silence that followed was practically ringing. Then the red envelope which Ron had dropped at some point burst into flames and curled into ashes as Harry and Ron stared at it in stunned silence.
As the moment passed groups of students began to chat again till the hall filled with voices once again.
“Well that was… something.” Kokichi said, dazed.
“Yeah, but not undeserved.” Blaise said as Draco and Pansy burst out laughing at Ron’s misfortune before realizing Kokichi wasn’t laughing along with them.
“Kokichi, the blood traitor just got a Howler and all of Hogwarts hear it, so why aren’t you laughing.” Draco asks with a raised eyebrow.
“What? Oh, no it’s hilarious!” Kokichi lied.
“Then why aren’t you laughing?” Blaise questioned.
“Well—”
“Because he’s lying.” Kokichi heard two voices behind him say.
Kokichi is around to see his favorite ginger twin’s behind him.
“Oh! Hi Fred, Hi George.” Kokichi said
“Hey there Kokichi.” George said before the twins both turn to Draco.
“Sorry Malfoy, but we need to talk are favorite sneaky snake so if you’ll excuse us.”
Each of the twins grabbed under Kokichi’s arms and hoisted him from the table (and his breakfast :() and started to carry him out of the hall like a misbehaving kitten.
“HEY!!! Put him down, you blood traitors!” Draco cried as he tried to chase after them before Blaise pulled him back into his seat as the twins just ignored him and walked out of the wall with Kokichi in hand.
Well… this is a first.
The twins don’t put him down till they find an empty corridor in the castle. They plop him on the floor lightly (he lands on his feet by the way) and check around the corners to make sure nobody’s coming before turning to him.
“Is there a reason for this abduction, or did you guys just miss me that much?” Kokichi asked sarcastically.
“Both.” The twins say together.
“You haven’t visited us once at Gryffindor table.” Fred complains.
“Plus, you’ve been doing pranks without us!” George cries “I can think of no greater insult.”
“Pranks?” Kokichi asked, even though he knew what they were referring to.
“Don’t play dumb.” Fred scolds
“Yeah, you know what we’re talking about.” George jumps in.
“No I don’t.” Kokichi lies
“The whoopee cushion in the great hall!” The twins cry.
“Oh yeah, that thing.” Kokichi says slowly with a smile.
The twins just sighed. “Well moving on.” Fred starts “If you're going to be pranking people then you should let us help.”
“Oh, so you want in?” Kokichi smirks
“Of course we want in! We’re like the prank kings of Hogwarts! Plus we already have a target pick out for our next prank.” George says. “If you want to join us, that is.”
“Depends, who’s the target?” Kokichi asks.
“Lockhart.” The twins say together.
Lockhart. He’s the DADA teacher and is, like, famous or something.
“Why him?” Kokichi questioned.
“Have you not had his class yet?” Fred says and Kokichi shakes his head no as the twins share a look.
“I have his class this afternoon.” Kokichi says.
“Good luck then, the man’s a nightmare.” George says.
“Well how about this then,” Fred says “You go to his class and then come find us later and tell us if you're in, ok.”
“Sure.” Kokichi says, scoping out a potential target is always a good idea anyway.
“Well then snakey, we’ll see you after class.” George says as he and Fred start to make their way out of the hall.
“Don’t forget us again!” Fred teases.
At that Kokichi laughs before going back to the Slytherin table where the others were waiting for him. Surprisingly none of them said anything about this short abduction by the twins, they didn’t even call them Blood trader. Kokichi suspects that Blaise has something to do with that. It’s nice to know that at least some of the Slytherins aren’t super prejudiced, maybe with time more of them will become more open towards the other kinds of wizards and witches.
With his friend group in tow they started to make their way to class.
*****
Well, George was right. Gilderoy Lockhart is, in fact, a nightmare. As far as Kokichi could tell he was completely incompetent and should not be teaching.
Not to mention every other word out of the man’s mouth is a lie.
Kokichi can tell, from the way he speaks to how the corners of his mouth twitch ever so slightly when he tells a half-truth or flat out lies.
Kokichi could tell. A lier can spot one of their own kind, except Lockhart sucks at it. Not to mention the inconsistency in his books that Kokichi is now being forced to read.
So remember when Kokichi said Lockhart must know his stuff. Well he was wrong and takes it all back.
Speaking of Lockhart, the man is currently going on about himself for the last five minutes.
“Me! Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five time winner of Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming Smile Award— but I don’t talk about that. I didn’t get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!” He laughed, expecting the class to do the same but the most he got was so awkward smiles.
“Well, I see you’ve all bought a complete set of my books— well done. I thought we’d start today with a little quiz. Nothing to worry—”
Does this guy ever stop talking! All this guy does is tell lies about himself to make himself look better. And, Kokichi doesn't mean to be a hypocrite, but at least when he does it's believable! I mean like come on—
Kokichi’s inner monologue was interrupted by Blaise passing him a quiz. Kokichi looked down at the paper in disbelief. How self absorbed can one be! This quiz has nothing to do with DADA.
“You’re thirty minutes starts now!” Lockhart cheered enthusiastically before look at himself in a mirror.
Kokichi started reading the questions.
- What is Gilderoy Lockhart’s favorite color?
- What is Gilderoy Lockhart’s secret ambition
And the list went on.
54.When is Gilderoy Lockhart’s birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?
Oh. my. god. Kokichi is not doing this. Kokichi picks up the quiz, which is FIVE pages long, and makes a blow dart out of one piece of paper and crumples the other four into ammunition. Loads it up, and aims it right at Lockhart's head.
“OW!” Lockhart screeched. “Who did that!”
Lockhart must be blind or something because as he scanned the class room for the culprit he failed to notice Kokichi and his vandalized quiz and went back to looking at his reflection.
So Kokichi loaded up his blow darts again and fired.
This cycle continues about 15 more times before Lockhart actually catches him.
“Ah! So it was you!” Lockhart cried, disturbing his entire class.
“Me?” Kokichi asked innocently.
“Yes you!” Said Lockhart, then he glanced down and saw Kokichi’s quiz.
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR QUIZ!” He cried in offense.
“Nothing.” Kokichi lied.
“Nothing? You’ve completely destroyed it!” Lockhart cried once more.
“Well it was nothing of importance.” Kokichi declared “It was just a quiz about you.”
“I think if you did the reading you’d find that I’m very important.” Lockhart scoffed.
“Listen here Lockfart,” Kokichi started as Lockhart put his hand to his chest like he had been mortally wounded. “I’m here to learn about magic, not take a meaningless quiz about you. So if you're not going to teach us anything, leave.”
The class was now dead silent as they watched the exchange. All their focus was on Kokichi now instead of their quizzes.
“Boy.” Lockhart stated, face red “Detention. Tomorrow evening 7:00, a-and 20 points from Slytherin!”
At that, all the Slytherins in the room looked outraged and soon complaints started to rise, but to Kokichi's surprise everyone was quiet by Draco.
“Professor Lockhart,” Draco said coldly “While Kokichi's actions weren’t the most dignified, do you really think it warrants detention and you taking our house points.”
“Yes.” Lockhart said
Draco gave him an unimpressed look. “Really? Because Kokichi does have a point. This isn’t the Lockhart class, this is DADA, and we are 35 minutes into class and you haven’t even started your lesson. I would be a shame if the Daily Profit caught wind that the famed Gilderoy Lockhart wasn’t doing his job properly.”
At that Lockhart went pale. Little did Kokichi know just how much power the Malfoy name had. If Draco told his father about Lockhart’s class, the man would be in hot water.
“Fine.” He huffed “Out of the kindness of my heart I will not give you detention nor will I remove you house points. Feel free to thank me.”
Neither of them did.
“Moving on…” Lockhart said as he made his way back up to the ground of the class and pulled out something the size of a bird cage. “Now class be warned, it’s my job to arm you against the foulest creature known to wizardkind! You may find yourself facing your worst fears in this room, but know that no harm will befall you whilst I’m here. Now, I ask all of you to remain calm.”
Wow, this guy really has a flair for the dramatics.
“I must ask you not to screen,” Lockhart warns “It might provoke them.”
The class (minus Kokichi and a few others) held their breath as Lockhart pulled the cover off the cover to reveal…
“YES!” He says dramatically “ Freshly caught pixies!”
At Lockhart’s dramatic reveal one of the Gryffindor boys burst out laughing, and Kokichi could help but chuckle to himself because, this is ridiculous.
“Yes?” Lockhart said, turning to the boy.
“Well,” The boy started through his giggles. “They’re not— they’re not very— dangerous, are they?
“Don’t be so sure.” Lockhart said with annoyance “Devilish tricky little blighters they can be.”
The pixies looked like electric blue Barbie’s that got a bad haircut and had trash singing voices. They rattled and rocketed around the cage faster than Dynamite on a sugar rush.
“Right, then,” Lockhart projected “Let’s see what you make of them!”
Before anyone in the room could protest Lockhart opened the cage and the pixies went booting at the students.
And just like that the classroom turned into hell.
Pixies bounced off the walls, pulling on students' hair and breaking their belongings. Many try to duck under the desk, others bolted for the door. Which was open and some of the pixies escaped into the hall. Longbottom got jumped by a group of pixies and was now hanging from the ceiling on a light fixture.
“Well, go on! Catch them.” Lockhart cried as he cowered under his desk
No way.
Kokichi locked eyes with Blaise and then nodded, he grabbed Draco’s arm and Blaise grabbed Pansy and the four bolted out of room with some of the other students, much to Lockhart dismay, and didn’t stop running until they were safely in the dungeon and were entering entering Slytherin common room.
“Ok,” Kokichi panted “Can we all agree, if given the chance, to throw Lockhart off his high horse.”
The others nodded breathlessly in agreement.
“I can’t believe I just agreed with Kokichi.” Pansy spat.
“I told you I’d learn to like me.” Kokichi grinned.
“I still don’t like you.” Pansy deadpans.
“Boo.” Kokichi retorts, getting him a surprise laugh from Draco and Blaise.
Ok, next, he needs to track down the twins, because Lockhart’s going down.
*****
Ok Kokichi knows he said he would find the twins, but he forgot he had an extra class on Friday with the other exchange students. Which is why he is grateful that he bumped into Himiko while looking for the twins.
“Oh! Hi Himiko!” He greets.
“Hello Kokichi.” She says, then raises an eyebrow “where— where are you going?”
“To find the twins, want to come?” He asks
“Kokichi, we have are extra class in five minutes.” She stated.
“Extra? Oh my god! I totally forgot about that!” Kokichi exclaimed.
With that Himiko grabbed his arm and pulled him to the Transfiguration classroom. They were the last to enter, with Shuichi and Maki sitting in awkward silence.
“Shuichi!” Kokichi cheers as he plops down in the seat next to the teal haired boy.
“Hi Kokichi, Himiko.” Shuichi greets with a smile “how are you?”
“Good, just tired.” Himiko says as she takes a seat.
“Me too,” Kokichi wines “All that most of the other Slytherins talk about is blood purity and status.”
At the mention of blood purity Himiko started to look uncomfortable and was now fidgeting with her hands, which both Shuichi and Kokichi noticed.
“Himiko…” Shuichi says gently “are you ok?”
“Er! Oh yeah.” She stumbles
“That’s a lie.” Kokichi said.
“What—” Himiko started but Kokichi cut her off
“I can just tell, now tell us what’s wrong. If you’re being bullied I can trick Draco into hunting them down with his bodyguards.” Kokichi replies calmly
“What?! No, no it’s nothing like that it’s—“
Himiko takes a deep breath
“My family are pureblooded, and pure bloods are held in high regard no matter if it’s here in Britain or back in Japan. When I did get my letter, they thought… well they thought I was a squib.”
“Squib?” Shuichi asked.
“It’s someone born to magical parents who has no magic themselves.” She explains “ I was never good at real magic when I was little, but I was really good at Miguel magic.” She smile sadly
“They didn’t.. they didn’t like that. When Dumbledore came to are house to explain everything they were ecstatic, not because I would get to go to school, but because I wasn’t a squib…" She trails off.
She looks down at her hand before Kokichi and Shuichi pull her into a group hug.
“In my opinion, Himiko.” Shuichi said with a smile “ you're on the fast track to becoming one of the great witches of all time. I can feel it!”
“Yeah!” Kokichi jumps in “Plus card tricks are super cool Himko! If you can do both wizard magic and muggle magic that would make you like, THE ULTIMATE MAGE!!!”
At that Himiko giggles “Thanks guys.”
Soon after that McGonagall came in to try and speed run them all through the first year curriculum. Like, it was literally rapid fire, and they got extra homework too!
Well that can wait till tomorrow. Kokichi didn’t think he’d like Hogwarts at first, but he can’t lie (well he can, really well actually).
I think I’m going to like this place.