Chapter 2
“-Okay, okay, that's enough now!” Sirius's booming voice echoes from where he sits on the chair opposite the couch next to Remus, glaring at his best friend and brother who were just recently indulging in quite indecent snogging.
“Oh come off it Sirius. Call this payback for all the lengthy discussions I had to hear about Remus.” James replies, smirking but all he gets is a pillow thrown his way.
“Hey! No hitting my boyfriend. I’m only with him for looks, can’t damage that.” Regulus responds nonchalantly, throwing the pillow back at Sirius, and wow is it weird to hear those words coming from Reg. Weird to be even sitting in this room, in the bloody Gryffindor common room of all paces. A bunch of snakes in the lion's den.
It's been a month since Christmas, since Regulus left home and since then it's been a whirlwind of a change of scenery.
From spending nights in the Slytherin dorms, now at the Gryffindor common room has been a change. When Dorcas first got with Marlene we didn’t have any of this change, but now that a second one in our group was dating a Gryffindor, for some reason we all decided that we might as well merge our groups.
When I say we “all” decided, I mean Dorcas and Regulus, they decided. Though to be fair you didn’t hear much argument coming from Pandora and Cerci about the merge of friends, only me and Barty but I gave up a few weeks ago where Barty is still going strong on his, ‘Slytherins rule and Gryffindors suck, therefore not sitting with them. Bad enough your dating one’ attitude. Hence why instead of being with his friends he’s sitting alone in the Slytherin dorms.
As everyone laughs and Sirius pretends to gag, James speaks up, “Please love, you want me for more than just my looks.” He says it with the most confidence, not even perpetrated by Regulus' words, like he knows it's all for teasing and that they couldn’t be farther from the truth. (I mean Potter's looks probably do help a lot in Regulus' adoration for Potter).
Regulus pretends to think about this, looking up with a serious look before shrugging his shoulders, turning in James’s arms, becoming even more closer if that was even possible. Grabbing James chin, “I guess,” He replies mindlessly, turning James head side to side as if examining him for the first time, eyes roaming with lust over James face and James going wherever Regulus hand leads, following the man's actions with that same lust in his own brown eyes. “Though your looks are a bonus.” Regulus finishes going in to press his lips lightly, delicately to James as if anything more happened James would break, as if they weren’t just snogging mere minutes ago.
And that feeling of weirdness comes back again, witnessing Regulus being soft with none other than James Potter.
It’s still surreal being placed in this scenery, being among a bunch of rowdy Gryfinndors, being in the same room as Sirius and Regulus. Both Black brothers, would you believe it? And they're not properly arguing? Salazar Slytherin himself is turning in his grave at the new way of our lives.
It’s astonishing watching the way we place in this new life, how easily we have all adjusted, (minus Barty, though that I’m still trying to figure out…) I mean the way the Gryffindor’s moved to make room for us, it’s weird.
Having smoke breaks with Lupin. Talking quidditch with Potter and Mickinnon. Teasing Reg with Sirius and Cas. Macdonald somehow convincing me to let her paint my nails while Dora plaited my hair. Discussing gossip with Pettigrew and Cerci. Evans helping me with my subjects I was struggling with.
It's surreal to witness the easy adjustments they made to fit me, to fit as all in their lives. I mean it was easy for Cas, having been out about dating Mickinnon since the end of their sixth year.
Though to watch Regulus, someone who's usually so to himself, never one to let people close, to watch him easily joke and laugh with all these people, is just … weird. But in a good way? At Least this feels like the beginning of a good thing, the smile on Reg's face makes me want to keep trying to welcome the Gryffindors into my life and by the smile on my own reflection makes me realise it’s not only him that feels this acceptance and warmth with them all.
“Okay, we were never that bad.” Mickinnon answers from where her head is resting in Cas’s lap, looking up towards James and Regulus who are staring in each other's eyes, not looking away even as Regulus holds his hand up to send the middle finger Mickinnon's way.
“Please,” Evans replies from where she sits on the floor next to me, backs to the fireplace, facing the couch James and Regulus are sitting in, “You two might have been worse, the amount of public PDA I had to bare witness to on a daily basis was disgusting.” She finishes, face contoured into a look of mild disgust, nose scrunched up.
I let out a chuckle, that goes unheard as Mickinnon speaks over it, “Hey! It was not disgusting, don’t be homophobic Lily.” She huffs out, head that was up staring at Lily goes back to lying in Dorcas’s lap who just laughs lightly at her girlfriend's actions.
“Excuse me. Me, Lily Evans? Do you forget I happen to be Bi Marlene?” She says, putting on a confronted tone, though it’s all for show, both girls playing along to the drama.
“Oh yea, how could I forget? I was the one who had to listen to your rants when you first had your crush on Mary.” She says, smirking at Lily and when I turn to look at the red head, she's turned bright pink. Blushing at the memory of her girl crush.
“Oh babe, you talked about me? I hope it was waxing poetry about how gorgeous I am.” Macdonald who had been in conversation with Pan and Pettiergrew, turns at the mention of her name, smirking and batting her eyelashes at her girlfriend who happens, if even possible, to turn even more pink. Though before she can answer Mickinnon does for her.
“Oh yes, some poetry she talked. ‘Oh Mary she just so-’” Mickinnon goes to start, doing a pretty shitting impression of Evans before she gets kicked in the shin by none other than the redhead herself.
“Are we going to go down that road Marlene? Lets not forget you also came to me to discuss a certain someone.” She says this pointedly, eyes darting suggestively towards Dorcas and at this Marlene goes white.
Dorcas witnessing all this looks between the two girls, who seem to be having a conversation with their eyes, turns to look at Mary. “Seems our girlfriends talk about some very important stuff about us that can’t be spoken about.”
“Yes it seems that way doesn’t it?” Macdonald replies to Cas.
“Might need to start having our own conversations, what do you think Macdonald?”
“Seems like a great idea, Meadowes.” They both smirk at each other, while Evans groans, giving annoyed stares to both girls. Though Mickinnon seems to be contempt sitting back, head in Dorcas’s lap.
“Fine by me, go on and talk to Mary about how amazing I am.” She says smirking up, eyes dancing with fire up at Cas.
“Well I was thinking more about going to her when I’m pissed at you so we can bitch about it.”
“Yeah, I was definitely thinking we were going to do that.” Macdonald supplies along with Dorcas’s comment. Mickinnons eyes widen, before she huffs out an annoyed breath, wacking her girlfriend on the arm and smiling despite herself.
Everyone around, all our friends in unison having stopped their own conversations to listen in, let out our own laughs.
“Oh I don’t know why Barty is so against hanging out with use, he would love this.” Pan says mindlessly from where she’s on the couch next to Reg, Potter and Pettigrew on her other side, Macdonald sitting in front of them.
At the mention of Barty a melancholy feeling transfers onto the Slytherins, at the loss of their one friend, too stubborn to turn on his beliefs to support his friends in their new friendships and sit up in the Gryffindor common room.
“Yeah, what's with that?” Sirius speaks up after a silence had settled on the group at the pointing out of their missing friend.
Cerci being the one to speak up, as Regulus face hardens a little in a way I can’t decipher, Dorcas just looks sad, going to tighten her hold on her girlfriends hand and I get to lost in the possible answers to answer Sirius question, because the answer that first comes to mind doesn’t feel right.
“He just, well, he’s Barty, you know? Stuck in his beliefs, he’ll come around.” Though as she ends it off she doesn’t sound as sure as she started.
“He's just being a stubborn dick.” Regulus responds, voice toneless, his hardened facial expression deepens, and I can’t help feeling there is something more there between them left to decipher because it was Reg being with James that started up Barty’s weird behaviour.
Though I won’t sit here and listen to what could potentially turn into people hating on Barty, he’s being fuckin weird, yes, but he’s still my best mate.
I begin to stand up, a plan formed in my mind. “Hey where are you going?” Evans asks from where she sits next to me.
“Going to get Barty. About time he joins us up here, don’t you think?” I respond and unsure feelings sweep into the atmosphere that surrounds us. The gravity of what Bartys presence can do to the happy friendship we have all created. I watch emotions pass through the faces of the people I’m surrounded with, I watch the hesitancy fall upon faces, watch the urge to disagree with my actions, the hidden disagreement of Barty joining, even more disappointed to see those emotions fall on the faces of Barty’s own friends.
Even if Barty is being weird and about us all becoming friends with the Gryffindors, he’s still my friend first and I don’t care what these people think of him, he’s going to get over whatever he’s going through and join me up here again because it doesn’t feel right hanging out with our friends without help him and I’m done waiting for him to come to us.
I leave the common room without waiting for anyone to try to stop me… not like they would, but just in case.
As I walk the halls, walking to the Slytherin common rooms I have the sudden realisation that I don’t actually know if Barty will be there. I mean I really don'’t know what he does when we are away at the Gryffindor common room, I groan internally. Hoping to Salazar that he is there, I really don’t feel like running around the castle like a headless ghost trying to find him.
I make my way back to the common room, heading straight to the dorms not in the mood for any distractions, preparing a speech to try and convince Barty to join us.
‘C’mon Barty Gryffindors aren't that bad’, or maybe ‘You should hear Mickinnons comebacks, they are hilarious you would really get along…’ or even, ‘we all make fun of Potter and Reg, you would love that!’ I rub my temples, knowing that it’s gonna take a lot more than that to convince Barty and it's looking like dragging him by the ear is going to be the best way…
As I open the door to our dorm, mentally preparing the realisation that force is the only way Barty is leaving the dungeons, is when I stumble upon Barty crawled up in on himself on the floor of our dorm, bottle of witches brew in his hand and tear stained cheeks.
And the thing that comes to mind, the only thing, is that I have never seen Barty cry before.
Regulus used to have nightmares in first year and second year, he would cry and me or Barty depending on who was up would comfort him and wipe away his sleep ridden tears.
My first witness to Dorcas crying was when she finally stopped being friends with Charity and Aurora. As much as they were shitty people, she had been friends with them since she was six, at the loss of their friendship, however needed, hurt more than she was expecting even after not talking to them both for months.
Growing up with Pandora I watched her cry multiple times, hurting her knee due to falling over when we were younger, crying over her or my parents getting mad at us, crying over a bug dying, she was an emotional child, so I witnessed her tears multiple times.
Cerci herself is just an emotional person. She cries when sad, overwhelmed, angry, even happy. The amount of times I have hugged her while she wept into my shoulder is too much to count.
I myself have had to be confronted in moments of sadness, when the release of tears was all that was left to do, after an argument in a letter with my parents or even being overwhelmed for my future.
Though Barty, no matter what was thrown his way, shit with his parents, with school, with anything, he never cried. Barty was quick to push away tears and let out everything with anger, with shouting, throwing a curse or two. Never in my six years of friendship had I watched him break down over anything, so here, my eyes falling on a red eyes, tear stained Barty I feel completely helpless. Frozen at the door of our dorm, not making a noise. The smallest, most selfish part of me, has the thought of leaving. Walking away as if I never came across him, because I have no clue what to do with myself.
As if Barty sensed my idea of leaving, he looks up finally, noticing the presence of another person in the dorm. At first he looks scared to be discovered though as his eyes squint taking me in, realising it's me, he deflates and his all too familiar scowl makes its way on his face.
“Merlin Rosy scared me, close the bloody door will you.” He says, and his voice gives away to just how drunk he is, it’s high pitched and he stutters over his words about four times.
I turn to close the door, still shocked, unable to think of what to say. Once I close the door I can’t turn back around, feeling out of my depth. I have morphed my way around Barty’s feelings my whole time of knowing him, like I have done with all my friends.
If Dorcas is upset, she prefers you let her rant about it and just be there and listen because she usually likes figuring her feelings out for herself and just having someone there to listen and nod along with her helps.
Cerci likes someone being there to make her laugh, distract her and rant about random things she likes to calm her down and let her breathe again before she can figure out her emotions.
Pandora likes someone there to feel, she likes having someone to touch, if holding their hand, having an arm around her, someone hugging her. The warmth of someone else helps her breathe and remember her surroundings and that everything is okay.
Regulus likes someone to just be there and sit in silence with him, not to talk about what happened, just to sit there with him while he silently figures out what's wrong and once he does he will give you a signal, a tap of acknowledgment and then you ask him, and he tells you whats wrong.
I know how to help all my friends when they cry, learnt through the years what to do, how to comfort them and make them feel better but Barty? I have never needed to figure that out.
Angry Barty, now that I can deal with.
When Barty gets mad, pissed, furious I can deal with him then. I can deal with his outburst. Barty has certain types of stages of anger. Barty when he's angry at a comment someone from school said or a teacher, he needs someone to get on his level, to be angry back at him, to yell and shout right back at him. Barty when he's angry at one of us, one of his friends, needs you to argue back with anger, not yell at him as much like his other stage of anger like I said before, more smaller anger keeps the irritation at an argument than a screaming match. If he’s mad at his parents, you take the anger he gives out, let him scream his lung out, fling as much shit about as he wants and when he calms down you get him a drink for his voice and you clean up and then go on and agree with him how shit they were, not patronising, just honest.
Angry Barty is a feeling I know like the back of my hand, something I know how to deal with, something I can help Barty move on from but tear stained Barty isn’t something I can help with, isn’t something I know how to deal with.
“Ev? You're just gonna stand with your back towards me or what?” Barty asks confusingly, his words slurred.
That’s when I realise I can’t leave now, I can’t hide away from Barty, so I turn around and figure out that I better deal with him how I know best. And the way I know how to deal with him best is when he’s angry. So I take a breath, turn around and prepare myself.
Let’s make you angry Bee.
“Evan?” Barty asks again, his confusion altering into his voice even more, my name sounding less slurred on his tongue.
“What the fuck Barty?!” I exclaim, musking up as much anger as I can, pushing it into the tone of my voice, “You are seriously ditching us to drink by yourself in what? Pity? Seriously because we're hanging out with the Gryffindors, this is pathetic Barty!” I shout, knowing I’m being harsh but if Barty being angry is what I want, then I’m gonna need to be harsh.
Barty looks upfronted, staring at me from where he is on the floor and as his eyes become more clearer so does the anger that takes control of his face. He slowly moves his lanky body, from the curled up position on the floor to sit up facing me, and yes that all to familiar anger’s there but it's not enough.
“I can’t believe you!” I continue to shout, putting more anger into my voice, watching as Barty’s saddened eyes narrow and how a scowl fights its way easily onto his face, emotions harder to keep hidden in his drunken state. “You can’t be happy for your friends, because you're too bloody stubborn in your ways! Dorcas loves Marlene! She wants you to bask in that happiness and be with her through it but you're being a right git not getting to know her girlfriend!” As I let my rant continue I realise a lot of these emotions aren’t even faked, it seems as though Barty distance has left more of an impact than I realised. “And Regulus too! He finally left home, finally found love with Potter and you can’t-”
“Shut the fuck up Evan!” Bart rages, voice contorted to what can only be deep down anger, but this anger doesn't feel new, feels as though it has been simmering under Barty’s skin for awhile, like he has been waiting for it to burst and it just so happened to burst at that mention of Regulus? That I can work with.
“No I fuckin won’t shut up! Regulus is your best friend and you have been ignoring him ever since we came back after Christmas.” Barty looks away at my words, hands shaking, clenched into fist at his sides, “He found happiness in someone, love for fucksake and you can’t even get over your stupid ideologies to fuckin congratulate him, tell him your bloody happy for him!”
“I said shut up Evan!” Barty’s shaking now, and this anger that seeps through his entire body is … new? The feeling of anger that he's having obviously over Regulus doesn’t feel new but his reaction in dealing with it does, shit. Have I just made this worse by making him angry? I thought if I made him angry I could deal with his reaction as always, but this anger is a new brand of fire that I have never seen on Barty, the usual throwing of items, curses that a thrown and screaming rants haven’t come yet. Instead its little outbursts, body shaking and clenched fists as if he is trying to keep his anger in, Barty never keeps his anger in. This is new anger, another emotion of Barty I don’t know how to deal with but fuck it, I can’t turn back now.
“No! No Barty! You don’t get to act like a dick and then have no repercussions. You think you're the only one who gets pissed? You are going to get your act together and go be with your best friends because Regulus is finally happy and your going to go be fuckin supportive-”
“NO!” Barty yells.
The tinkle of shattering echoes out, and the shards of the bottle in Bartys hand flies out, and Barty's instant moan of pain is heard and I watch the dark red blood push its way past the open slashed skin and flow out of the gasp on his hand.
I move quickly to him, stepping down to try and see the cut, to try and attempt to heal it but Barty doesn’t let me.
“No! Fuck off Evan!” He shouts holding his wounded hand towards himself, away from my hands, and the sudden feeling of guilt overflows over me.
“Barty please-”
“NO! You don’t get to come in here and yell at me and then switch up! For fuck sake, did you ever think there was a bloody reason I don’t hang out with use?! Do use all seriously think that low of me that you t-think that, w-what? My stupid year one ideologies still followed me till this day? Did you ever stop to think there was a reason I couldn't physically be there? That it hurts so much to hang out with them, with him, that I steal myself away from my friends to drink my heart out because that’s all that helps?!” He finishes off, the blood now soaking his top, drenching him in a thick coat of crimson. He slurred a little, some remembrance of the state I found him in but overall his voice is clear and the anger is so very clear, but it’s his familiar anger that I can deal with, he’s hurt, he needs an argument that I can give him.
“What did you expect us to think Barty? Just last year you were cursing Gryffindors just for the sake of it!”
“Yeah okay but seriously, do you not think I’m a better friend than that to change for my best friends?!”
“What change Barty? I don’t see any. All I see is someone drinking himself away, hiding away from his friends.”
“Because you don’t fuckin understand!”
“Help me then Barty! Help me fuckin understand because right now you just look like a shit friend!”
Our breathing is heavy and loud as we look at each other, Barty’s more hoarse due to the large flow of blood leaving his body that he is yet to let me heal. He opens his mouth over and over again but nothing comes out. His head slowly falls back to the bed behind him, sweat coaxing his forehand, eyes dropping just a little.
“Barty,” I whisper, the uncertainty of what he was gonna say wears on me, fuels the tension in the air, making it feel delicate to even discuss something else but Bartys sudden blood loss is something too big to ignore. “Just let me heal you. Please Bee.”
He doesn’t say anything just lets his hand fall, away from where he kept it hidden towards his chest, lets it fall towards me, too tired to move anymore.
I take his hand gently in my hands, as gently as I have ever handled Bart before. Healing it with multiple spells I have seen in books or watched Madam Pomfrey perform after I have been injured after a quidditch match. Barty stays still throughout the whole healing process, breaths short, hoarse and stuttering out and I don’t know if it's from the blood loss, the shouting or the drink, most likely all three. When I’m finished it’s nowhere near perfect but it's healed enough that I summon the bandages I keep for after rough quidditch practises and cover up his hand the best I can.
I scrunch my nose up at the state of his top, thankful though the blood didn’t hit the floor, just his clothes. Clearing away the rest of the shattered glass, I turn back to him, “Barty?” He hums in response, eyes still dropped, more closed now, “Your top needs to come off okay? It’s covered in blood.” He hums again and I just roll my eyes, knowing it’s a lost cause getting an answer out of him, I have seen Barty drunk before, dealt with him before.
I tentatively reach for his top, trying slowly to lift it off his body, though that small action is enough to startle Barty, wakes him up from his stupor.
“Wit the fuck are you doing Evan?” He asks confused, eyeing where my hands hold the edge of his top, haltering it upwards.
“Your top needs to come off Barty, it's covered in blood. You really let yourself bleed out there. You were… really angry to break that bottle.” I whisper to him, I don’t know why I’m whispering no one else is hear, this conversation just feels… gentle.
“Hmm did I? Don’t remember…” He responds sluggishly, though more aware than before he lifts his arms up, allowing me to get rid of his shirt.
“Thanks. I will go get you another one.” I start to walk away, heading to put the dirty top in the washing pile and then to grab a cloth from the bathroom.
“No need for another top, usually don’t sleep with one anyways.” Barty replies, slowly lifting his limp body up from the floor where he was sitting up, though as he puts pressure on his hand he cries out again and I instantly run over towards him, holding the wet cloth I was getting to clean the blood stains that went through the top onto his body.
“It’s okay, let me help you.”
“Don’t need help.” He responds stubbornly but I just huff out a breath, rolling my eyes.
“Shut up Bee, you do.” I get no response in return.
I help him move towards his bed but before I let him fall on it, I take the cloth to his body washing away the reminiscence of blood. Taking the cloth across his lower abdomen, moving up his stomach too his pecks, slowly getting both his sides, smiling when he lets out a little giggle, ‘can’t help it, i’m gigglish Ev’, before getting his lower back then making his way to his upper back, before slowly taking the cloth away, glancing over making sure I got every spot.
Barty happy that I cleaned him up flops back onto his bed.
I stood there for a while, not knowing what to do, feeling like I was close to getting out of Barty why he had been distant only to come away empty handed. Though as Barty turns away from me, I accept my defeat and go to turn away, though a quiet voice pulls me back in.
“Please don’t tell anyone about this.” He asks in such an unsure quiet voice, one I had never heard from him before that I couldn’t possibly say anything about this. ( I was never planning too anyways )
“I won’t say anything to anyone.” So began the start of the lies, the start of hiding a drunken Barty.
“Though…” I begin hesitantly, “Can I at least get an answer to why?”
“Why?”
“Yes why, why you even got to this stage Bee, why I even found you like this.”
“So you didn’t figure it out?” He lets out a little self defeating laugh.
“Figure out what?” I ask.
“You were almost they’re, figured you worked out by now.” He answers mindlessly as if he’s not even sure what he’s saying himself.
“Barty, figured what out?”
“That I’m in love with Regulus.” He says it's like it’s the hardest thing to admit in the world.
He says it like a punch to the gut, like it’s been ripped out of him against his will. The heart breaking stutter of breath he takes after his words, shatters my own heart a little. Barty loves Regulus? This is why he won’t sit with us because he can’t stomach watching the man he loves be with someone's else. This is why his reaction to Regulus coming out and being with James was strange. He loves Regulus and Regulus doesn’t love him…
“Oh Barty…”
“Don’t please, just don’t. I have accepted it’s shit, it’s just how it is…” He answers and there's nothing I can even think to say to him to make him feel better because this is Barty. He has never had feelings like this before, he has never shown the even slightest bits of affection towards anyone like this before. I wouldn’t even know how to start helping him.
“Just don’t tell anyone.” He asks, no, he pleads to me. Turning around to face me, his dark brown eyes boring into my own blue ones.
“I won’t-”
“No promise to me Ev. No one ever knows, I mean it. I never want anyone to know.” His voice breaks, his sadness rearing in his voice but I watch him effectively fight it back, watch his eyes that started to shimmer stop. Watch him harden his face and look at me, awaiting me to make a promise.
“I promise.” I have never said something so meaningful before, something so strongly. As long as I know this secret, no one else will.
Barty watches me for a few seconds longer, before deciding that he trusts I won’t tell and turns away from me, bringing the covers up to his neck.
“Night Evan.” I hear as I make my way away from his bed. I let out a sad sigh,
“Night Barty.” I say as I flop on to my own mattress.
Regulus comes back about an hour later, I was still unable to sleep after learning what Barty trusted upon me.
He asked me why I never came back and … I lied.
Said that Barty was out with some bird and I waited for him to come back, he was pished I helped him to bed, that was all.
Regulus seemed to accept this and made his way to get ready for bed while I contemplated everything I learned from tonight.
Barty in love? For some strange reason I just ever thought that would happen with Barty, which is a shit thing to say about your friend, trust me I know, but he just never showed interest in having a romantic interest in that way.
I later learned that it has been a thing for him since fifth year, though when I asked where the feelings came from he shut me down immediately, so there was still that I needed to figure out, something I think involves an incident with Regulus…
I didn’t even ponder on the fact Barty was Gay. Well later learned he was Bi, all that I focused on was the acknowledgment of love. Love, love, love, oh how screwed Barty was, and there was nothing I could give him to help. I was completely out of my depth.
But what I could do was keep his secret and help him out when he got too drunk to properly form sentences, too heartbroken to process emotions correctly and instead take it out in drink, but since when did Barty do things healthy? Seems like he takes being in love with the same unhealthy tendencies. Though to be fair to him, the favours of his love are not at all healthy to begin with.
So this is the pattern we fell into, Barty drank and got upset and I came for the aftermath when the tears dried up and what was left was a mumbling drunk mess.
I’m still not sure what to do with a crying Barty because he still hasn’t let me to this day be there for when the tears actually fall.
Instead he either stayed somewhat happy after drinking and it was an easy day to fix him up, or it was a shit day and he pushed all his sadness to anger realising it was easier for me to handle him that way. Easier for me to handle him fuelled on rage than fuelled on tears.
Because if there is one thing I know, one thing in this situation, is how to deal with an angry Barty.
And believe me when I say, Angry Barty showed up many times since this night.
Luckily for him, I can handle him, well at least I thought so.