I felt my heart start to break as he started to shift his focus to her. His infatuation with her feisty personality and equally bright red hair. We had been dating for almost a year now but in the past few weeks, something had shifted. All the attention that used to be on me was now focused on Lily. He barely glanced my way anymore. I suggested date ideas, trying to hold on to a dying flame. He always claimed he was busy studying only for me to happen upon them in the library laughing and definitely not focused on their studies. The flame of jealousy was lit and burning in my heart. But I shouldn’t be jealous because he is supposed to be mine.
The only way to keep his attention on me is my body. We meet every night in the room of the requirement and he fucks me into the mattress. And then he leaves right away. He used to stay and hold me and whisper how much he loved me but now he comes inside of me, slides out, gets up, and after putting his clothes on, leaves without a word. I lay there, feeling so incredibly used by my own boyfriend. I watch him dote on her and flirt with her relentlessly. Their friends egg them on and tease them. My heart burns as I watch them because he is supposed to be mine. I want to make a scene and cuss him out but no one knows we exist. He insisted we keep it a secret and I agreed. I sit silently as I watch my boyfriend fawn over someone else.
I lay in bed and think about it every night after he leaves me. I lay feeling dirty and used by someone who is supposed to love me. I think about how he is falling in love with someone else. I don’t want to stop our meetings even if all we do is have sex which leaves me feeling empty inside. If I deny him sex, he will leave me and I will be all alone. He doesn’t even see if I am turned on anymore, he just gets in the room, fingers me open, and fucks me hard and fast.
James isn’t only being a bad boyfriend, he's being a bad person. He doesn’t check for consent anymore and I want to pretend he loves me still so I let him have what he wants. I would give James the world if he asked.
I go to the Room of Requirement again that night and lay on the bed. I have just gotten settled when James comes in. He flips me over and shoves himself inside of me. I cry out in pain. We do this every day but I am nowhere near ready for him to shove it in quickly. Tears are streaming down my cheeks as he fucks me. As pain flashes through my body, I realize that I am completely soft and that I just want him to stop. He finishes inside me and immediately leaves. I collapse on the bed in sobs. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I don’t want to refuse but now he is hurting me not only emotionally but also physically. I sobbed until I couldn’t cry any longer and lay there numb.
I peel myself off the bed, dress and drag myself back to the dungeons. I ignore everyone and walk right into the bathroom. The shower is the hottest it can go and my skin feels like it is burning off. I want to burn the feeling of his hands off of me. I want to burn the feeling of him off of me. My body is shaking and I have to sit down to keep from falling. I stare at the tiles as the water scorches my skin. I still feel his hands on me forcing me down onto the bed and I can feel how my ass hurts from him forcing himself in. Before I realize it, I am keeling over and throwing up into the drain. I heave until there is nothing in my stomach and I am shaking and spitting bile. I lean against the wall and the world spins behind my eyes. I barely get up and make it out of the shower. Seeing myself in the mirror is like looking at a ghost. I feel like a broken toy that someone got tired of playing with. I sigh before making a beeline for my bed. I curl in on myself and I know I will not be sleeping.
I am up as the sun rises the next morning. I do not get out of bed. I stare at the inside of my curtains and feel broken. No one comes to check on me until dinner appears on my bed. I turn away from it and think about how I am not enough for him. It pains me but I do not get up to go to the room of requirement. I know that by doing this I am losing him and that thought brings a fresh wave of tears. I think about how I will have to get up tomorrow for classes as I fall into a restless sleep.
I know my surprise is visible as I look up and make eye contact with my brother at breakfast. I can’t decipher his expression so I look back down on my empty plate as the other Slytherins eat around me. I do not see him or James all day.
The next day, I am shocked as I am pulled into an alcove and I look up to see my brother standing there. “Why have you been moping around this castle more than usual? And where were you at classes on Wednesday?” Sirius asks accusingly. I sigh because I know I can’t be honest. I can’t tell him that his best friend has been dating me for almost a year and is now being a horrible boyfriend. He considers James more of a brother than me. “I’m fine, you don’t have to worry” I quietly say. “That is not what I asked. What is going on?” He steps closer to me. I immediately shrink into the wall and bring my hands up in front of me. I can’t handle another person I love being mad at me or possibly hurting me. He backs off when he sees me cowering. “I’m sorry Reggie, I’m not mad, I just don’t understand why you all of a sudden you seem down and I can see that you are not eating and I do not know what has changed. I just want to know what is going on in your life even if I have to hear it from James.” I freeze as Sirius says his name. I want to disapparate and get out of this horrible conversation. I realize I am shaking. My silence isn’t doing me any favors. I have no idea what to say to him or how to even begin to explain what is going on without bashing his best friend. He has proved he will choose James over me and I do not need that proved to me yet again. I slip out of the alcove without saying a word and walk to class.
As I am going to class, I look up to see James walking toward me. I freeze for a moment before bolting in the other direction. I barely register running past my brother as I run from his best friends. I hear a confused “What are you doing Reggie?” as I run by. I don’t go to classes.
I’ve been in my dorm for a week when Barty tells me that someone is here to see me. I freeze because what if it is James? Does he want me back? Does he want me to go back to going to the Room of Requirement? Is he here to tell me it is over? My mind is spinning as I stand up and walk through the common room. Yet again, I am shocked at the sight of my brother standing in front of me and I let out a little sigh of relief. I don’t have to deal with James but lying to Sirius might be worse. After confirming I am actually standing in front of him, he starts dragging me through the castle. I am panicking until we get to the astronomy tower and no one is there. Sirius is not one to beat around the bush and he gets right to the point. “What the hell is going on? And don’t even think about lying to me” He says forcefully. I look down and wonder if he would ever choose me over James. I dismiss that thought because who would choose me over James? “Sirius, please don’t ask me that. I can’t tell you and you don’t want to know.” I plead with him. “Regulus Arcturus Black, tell me what is going on right now or I will find a way to force it out of you.” He says it like it is a threat and it is. He knows how to do it because Mom used to force the truth out of us often. I can’t handle another person I love forcing themselves on me so I tell him the truth. I tell him about when we started dating, keeping it a secret and how it was James's idea, him confessing that he loved me and telling him about the most recent events. His interest in LIly and his actions toward me. By the time I finish talking, I am out of breath and I have tears on my cheeks. I do not want to look up to see his reaction.
“James would never do that,” Sirius says in disbelief, and any hope of him believing me and choosing me over James is gone. My heart feels like it is breaking because I told the one person I trust most in this world my deepest secret and he doesn’t believe me. I look up at him “But he did” I say quietly. Sirius turns around and walks away.
And I am left alone.