Kindergarten Boyfriend
Typically, you don’t get invited over to dinner with the family whose golden child son you insulted to the point of tears only a few days ago, but the Potters, as Regulus stared at the text from Sirius, apparently didn’t get that memo.
Attention Whore
Do you want to come have dinner with me and the Potters tonight?
James has…not been doing well, from what Regulus could see in their very limited interactions(because James was true to his word when he said he wouldn’t bother Regulus anymore). He’s still smiling, ever the people pleaser, still trying to convince everyone he’s fine. But he doesn’t talk as much. Regulus doesn’t hear the loud, boisterous laugh from across the cafeteria anymore. He’s quieter, more respectful, more withdrawn. He isn’t as hands on anymore, no longer draped over any of his friends at any given time.
He’s trying to be less and it shatters Regulus’ heart.
One of the reasons he was drawn to James was his ability to be out, loud and proudly himself without care for what others would think. The sun is loud and blinding, always sneaking in cracks you thought you shut. Seeing James trying to snuff his own light, simply because of something Regulus told him, makes him ache so desperately in a way he never thought possible.
So why was Sirius inviting him over? Even if James hadn’t told him what Regulus had said, he had to be at least a little bit upset about the fact that his little brother and best friend had made out on stage for far longer than they should have.
His phone vibrated again.
Attention Whore
Don’t leave me on read you little shit. Either you agree or I tell Effie that your cabinets are empty and she’ll bust down your door with a four-course meal.
Regulus tried to ignore the small twinge of hurt at the emphasis of Number Twelve being his home and his alone. While Grimmauld hadn’t been Sirius’ for a while now, it was just another reminder that Sirius had made it out but he had not.
On Halloween, the two of them had made the decision to be better, to communicate, to be siblings again and, despite the near suffocating awkwardness, they were trying. Sirius hadn’t invited him around the Potters before. But now, they were trying to show Regulus a piece of their new life and he sure as hell wasn’t going to let the opportunity pass up.
Attention Whore
Fine. When?
Umm…now?
Jesus fuck. You couldn’t have texted earlier? What do I need to bring?
Just yourself.
Clothes would also be appreciated.
Shut the fuck up.
Make me😈
I will poison you.
I’d chug it.
The sad part is I believe you.
Just get your ass over here.
Regulus smiled at his phone and, though he’d never fucking admit it, found himself happy to go visit his sister.
"Regulus, dear! Welcome in, so glad you could make it," Effie said, herding him through the door. Regulus cautiously stepped in and slipped his shoes off by the door. "Dinner will be in about thirty minutes so make yourself at home."
"Do you need any help?" Regulus asked, following Effie deeper into the Potter residence.
She waved him off. "No, no, dear. I've got everything under control, you just enjoy yourself. I've also been told I can be a little particular on how things get done."
A snort drew their attention from each other to Monty, who was sitting at the coffee table with Sirius opposite him, a chess board between them. "A little? The last time you let me 'help you,' you didn't let me do anything but stir the pot."
Effie rolled her eyes. "Fine. Maybe a bit more than a little."
Sirius chuckled, shaking his head. "Get over here, Reg. Monty's kicking my ass."
"Language, Sirius." Monty murmured, keeping his eyes firmly on the board.
Effie dipped into the kitchen and Regulus made his way over. He took one look at the board and winced. "Sirius, comment as-tu fait ça, putain?"
Sirius shrugged. "J'sais pas."
They leaned forward and reached for a pawn but Regulus smacked their hand away. "No. Not that one."
Monty looked up at him. "You play?"
"When I can find an opponent, yes."
"I'm guessing that's not often?"
Regulus shoved Sirius with his foot until she reluctantly scooted over to avoid getting a bruise. Regulus plopped to the floor in front of the board. "No. My friends have lost too many times to bother playing anymore and the chess club at school consists of the same three people who hate how competitive I am."
Monty hummed, watching as Regulus moved his bishop- yes, bishop singular because Sirius had already lost one. "Have you ever considered playing online? James made me an account on my computer for this one site."
Regulus shook his head, picking at his fingers under the table at the mention of the other boy, who he has yet to see. "I played a little bit a few years ago but I don't enjoy it. It's not the same and I play much better when I have the physical board in front of me."
Monty smirked, moving a knight. "And I take it you don't like losing?"
Regulus' eyes narrowed and castled his king to avoid disrupt the attack he could see Monty setting up. He relished the way a line of frustration appeared on Monty's forehead. "Not particularly. I avoid it."
The older man hummed and shifted a pawn forward. "Sirius is like that, too. I had to beg him to play with me."
Next to them, Sirius whined. "Stop talking about me like I'm not even here."
Regulus' lip twitched as both he and Monty continued to ignore them.
"Muuuuuuum!" Sirius called after three more minutes of casual conversation between her brother and her father. "Reggie and Dad are being mean!"
"Be nice, you three!" came the distant response from the kitchen.
Regulus scowled at him. Sirius smirked and stuck out his tongue, only to double over when Regulus jabbed him sharply with his elbow. Predicably, Sirius lunged at him for revenge and Regulus scooted just out of range. Sirius gripped at his ankle and yanked him back. Regulus yelped at kicked Sirius in the stomach, only to be clawed at in return.
"Boys!" Monty shouted in reprimand. Sirius flinched but did nothing more than crossing their arms and pouting like a child. Regulus, however, snapped to attention immediately, spine straighter than he will ever be and his hands clasped behind his back. He stared up at Monty with a blank expression but his hands trembled just out of sight. His shoulders were tight with tension, bracing himself for the slap that was sure to rain down.
But Monty didn't slap him, didn't even raise his hand. Instead, his shoulders slumped and he stared back with a look filled with so much sympathy Regulus had no choice but to look away. He sighed and ran a hand through his greying hair. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell."
Regulus tilted his head, confusion evident. Monty wasn't going to hit him? But he and Sirius were just roughhousing, being loud and having fun- all of which were major no-goes. So why was he getting off mark-free?
Sirius reached out, her hand hovering just over his shoulder but not touching. "Regulus. No one is going to hurt you, here. No matter what you do, much less just playing around."
Regulus blinked at him. "But-"
"No buts. No catch. You're safe here."
Regulus sat there for a moment. He knew, realistically, the treatment he endured in the House of Black was unusual, abnormal, wrong. Regulus Black wasn't stupid. And yet, it felt weird, surprising, knowing that he wouldn't be punished for being a kid, knowing he could mess up or fool around with his sibling without a looming threat.
It was unfair. Why couldn't he have a family like this? Why couldn't he have grown up with this sort of environment, this view on life and punishment? Why did he get stuck with the abusive parents? Why was he still stuck with them? Sirius had gotten out and Regulus had been left behind. Walburga was away but she would come back. She always came back, ready to strike at the smallest of slip ups. She would come back, take one look at Regulus and beat the living shit out of him. It was unfair. So fucking unfair.
"If you'll excuse me for a moment." Regulus said stiffly, eyes dangerously close to watering. Neither Monty or Sirius reached out to stop him as he disappeared down the hallway and into the bathroom. Just a few minutes was all he needed to pull himself together. He would not cry in the presence of the Potters.
When Regulus is prepared enough to face the world again, dinner is ready. Sirius set the table and tapped the chair next to him. Regulus sank into the seat and watched Monty warily, waiting for him to mention it but he only smiled and leaned across the table to pile food onto his plate.
"James!" Effie called up the stairs as she took her seat next to Monty.
A few moments later, heavy thumping sounded down the steps and James stepped into the dining room, wet curls plastered to his forehead. His hands were stuffed in his pocket of his bright red hoodie and a pair of black headphones were situated over his ears, one side twisted back so he could still hear. He froze in the doorway at the sight of Regulus and it became abundantly clear that James was unaware of his attendance.
They stared at each other for a moment before Regulus pried his gaze away, unable to bear the empty look in James' eye for any longer. James took his seat without a word, nodding once to his parents before digging into his food.
Thankfully, neither Effie, Monty or Sirius mentioned the obvious tension cutting across the table. They made small talk with Regulus, attempted to with James as well but he only nodded at them and gave one word replies so they eventually stopped trying.
The moment he was able, James was hopping out of his seat and flying up the stairs. Regulus stared after him until he got a nudge in the side.
"Go." Sirius said, nodding up to where James had disappeared.
Regulus blinked at them. "You- you're not-"
"Mad? It's not really my place to have an opinion, is it?"
"But- do you?"
Sirius shrugged. "As long as you're both happy, I'm okay with it. And he clearly isn't very happy, even though he tries so hard to be. I think you might be able to help him."
Regulus stared at the stairs for a moment. He was the reason James was sad. He had hurt him in hopes to drive him away, to protect him from all the damage he would cause. But he hadn't really achieved that, had he? Trying to protect someone from hurt by hurting them? A little counter productive, wasn't it?
Alright, fine. Regulus Black may not be stupid but he could be...slightly idiotic from time to time. Maybe the way he had dealt with James was not the best. Both of them were already emotionally involved, they had kissed for fucks' sake- a really good kiss, mind you. Regulus' thorned soul had already wound itself tight around James Potter's heart. No matter how much he wanted to protect James, no matter how much he tried to draw back, they were already in too deep. They had two options: a) see this thing they have through, let it blossom no matter how hard it will be, or b) try and stop it now and let them both ache, bleeding from wounds that will never heal.
There was only one clear option, the one Regulus should have let happen from the beginning.
"I'll be back." He said before standing and making his way up the stairs.
James wasn't hard to find. Out of the four shut doors, only one had a sliver of light peaking out from underneath.
Regulus knocked. "James? Can I talk to you for a minute?"
There was a pause, a scramble of movement and then the door was being opened to reveal a bathroom swathed in yellow light. James stood in the doorway, his eye bags so much more prominent from this proximity and Regulus felt consumed with guilt.
"Y'know," James said and his voice was scratchy. From tears or disuse, Regulus couldn't tell. "It's hard to leave you alone if you keep seeking me out. First having dinner with my parents, then interrupting me while I'm trying to take a piss."
Regulus cringed and looked down at his feet. "Sorry, I-"
He paused, staring at a spot on James' grey sweatpants(not that spot, get your mind out of the gutter). There, blooming on his outer thigh, was a dark spot of red.
"Uh, Reg? My eyes are up here."
"You're bleeding," Regulus said, gaze snapping up to James'. He watched as the other boy's eyes grew wide with panic. "You're bleeding. James?"
James expression slipped to nonchalant. "Oh. I didn't notice. Must've hit the side of the counter."
Regulus saw the slight tremble of his hands, the glimmer of fear, the shifting of his weight. James may be able to fool his friends as easily as breathing, may be able to make them believe he's a terrible liar despite being the best one around, but Regulus could see right through him.
"James?" Regulus said, voice small and James looked away, throat bobbing as his eyes grew wet. "Let me in, please."
He let out a shaky breath. "There's no need, Regulus. I'm fine. Like I said, it must've been an accident."
"No, James, you're not fine. Please, just let me in. Let me help you."
James let out a small, wounded sound and stepped back. Regulus followed him in and shut the door behind him while James settled on the toilet seat.
"Can I see?"
Instead of responding, James tapped his finger frantically on the vanity countertop.
"Please. I need to see how bad it is to patch you up."
James whimpered and bit his lip harshly, eyes screwed up tight. Regulus frowned and tugged his lip free. "Don't hurt yourself more, baby. I can't take it."
James let out a sob into his elbow but nodded nonetheless. He rolled down his sweatpants and Regulus really tried to hold back his reaction but the gasp that wrenched itself past his lips was unstoppable. James' thighs were covered in slash marks, from the crease of his leg down to just above the knee. They ranged from painfully fresh to depressingly old, nearly nothing more than a faint white scar line. The newest ones were still bleeding, beaded red dots dripping down golden skin and tears slipped down Regulus' cheeks, pathetic things compared to the chest-heaving cries clawing up James' throat. Regulus surged forward, wrapping his arms around James' back and shoulders, hand delving into soft, damp curls.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." James chanted into his neck, over and over and over again until his words began to slur together.
"No, no, no, I'm sorry," Regulus murmured. "I should have never said any of those things."
"You were right. I'm too much. Too loud, too bright, too overwhelming. I tried to be less, Regulus, I really did, but I can't get it right."
"James," Regulus said desperately, tugging his head back by his hair. James' hazel eyes were swollen and wet, unrelenting streams of anguish soaking soft cheeks. "You are not too much. I didn't mean what I said. I was trying to hurt you and said everything I could, hoping to strike a nerve but I didn't mean any of it. You hear me? James Potter, you are perfect exactly the way you are."
This clearly was not the right thing because James wailed and then words were flowing past his lips, like a dam had finally broken. "I'm not though! I am not who everyone thinks I am! I'm supposed to be James fucking Potter, the perfect son, the happy-go-lucky sunshine friend and I can't be. I have the best fucking life compared to the rest of you and here I am, shredding my thighs over nothing. I'm the shoulder to cry on, the person to come to for advice, the therapy friend and I'm the world's biggest hypocrite. I'm supposed to have a heart of gold, not a bad bone in my body and I've been manipulating everybody for literal years. I'm supposed to be smart, the type of kid to have his life planned out before he's even reached high school and I am so fucking lost. Everybody thought I was keeping my major a secret and betting on when I’d spill but I have no idea what I want to do with my life because I don't even know who I am. I have no real personality aside from being a massive douchebag that's hiding behind a good boy facade."
Regulus gripped his chin firmly, barely able to see James through a thick veil of tears. He knew he’d been teetering on the edge of a breakdown since they had begun working on the musical but he hadn't known it had been this bad, that the issue ran this deep. He'd been imagining James scream-sobbing, maybe a couple broken objects that hadn't managed to escape his painful tirade. He hadn't been expecting James to hurt himself- the idea sounded ludicrous in his mind but that was exactly what James wanted. And if he was willing to do this...Regulus didn't want to think about what else he might've done or thought of doing. "I know who you are. You are ridiculously loyal to your friends. You would go to war for them, would get yourself suspendered for them. You would bring Hell to Earth if they were in pain. You care so deeply about everyone that you hide your pain from them because you think you're a burden when, in reality, they want to help you as much as you want to help them. You have so much love in your heart for everyone- Sirius, Remus, Peter, your parents, Marlene, Lily, Mary, Frank, Alice, my friends- hell, me, even though I've been nothing but horrible to you for reasons that don't make sense. You are good, James. You are the most pure person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting and it's okay to not be okay. Even the sun needs to go away sometimes. No one expects you to be incredibly happy all the time- it's unnatural. Life if a rollercoaster; sometimes, you'll feel like you're on top of the world and others, you'll be in a hole so deep you can't even bare to try and get out. And it's okay, because you'll have your friends, your parents and me, if you'll still have me, to help you climb the next hill."
James sobbed and sputtered the words of his next question. "If- if you didn't mean what you said, than- than why did you say them?"
"I was scared," Regulus admitted with a surprising lack of hesitancy. James had just spilt his worst thoughts about himself, it's only fair he returns the favour. "I'm not easy to love. I'm wicked, and mean, and cruel, and a fucking lizard. I will hurt you, maybe even more than I have already, and I wanted to protect you from that."
"Even the most beautiful roses have their thorns," James whispered. "What changed your mind?"
"You were miserable. I was miserable. My friends were atrocious and Sirius told me to go for it, which might not have been the brightest idea but I think I've deprived us both enough happiness to keep this up. You asked me not too long ago if you could have my heart but James, it's always been yours."
James tilted his head up and their lips met in a mix of desperation and salty tears. Regulus breathed a sigh of relief- he was finally home.
When they pulled away, James buried his face in Regulus' neck, who pressed his lips to James' hair and continued to rub his back in a comforting manner. At some point, Regulus had forced James back so he could clean up and bandage the cuts that needed attention before they returned to their previous position.
"James," Regulus murmured. "Show me what you used."
James stiffened but eventually retracted himself, refusing to look Regulus in the eye. He leaned down to lift the waste bin next to the toilet and picked up the small blade to hand to Regulus.
"Is this the only one?"
With his head lowered in shame, James shook his head.
Regulus felt his throat constrict again but he forced the tears down. "Can you get me the others?"
And that's how Regulus ended up in James' room, a collection of pencil sharpener blades in his palm.
"Oh," James said. "You should probably take these, too. I stole them from my dad." He made his way across the room and lifted back a shitty painting of a deer with Sirius' extravagant signature gracing the bottom right corner. Taped to the back of the canvas was a Ziplock bag full of pills.
Regulus felt his heart drop as James set the bag in his hands. James, his James, had come so close to killing himself that he had already prepared the murder weapon. He couldn't bear to imagine James in that bathroom, crying on the floor after Regulus had confirmed all his worst fears with that bag on the counter.
Regulus nearly dropped everything in his grasp when he threw his arms desperately around James. "Don't. Please don't leave me, baby, I don't know what I'd do."
James reciprocated the hug but his lack of a promise or reassurance hung heavy in the air, silence clinging to them like a second skin.
"James. I have to tell someone."
James ripped backwards, holding Regulus at arms distance by the shoulders. His eyes were wide and wild with fear. "No, you don't. You saved me, you have all my blades and pills. There's no way I can kill myself now, right? You don't have to tell anyone. Please don't tell anyone."
"I'm scared, James," Regulus whispered. "Just because I have these doesn't mean you won't dismantle more sharpeners, doesn't mean you won't steal knives or more painkillers. I may have saved you this time but I can't every time. I can't do this by myself. Please don't make me."
"They'll look at me different. Everyone will look at me different."
"They should. They need to see the real you, baby. That's the only way you'll get better."
James slipped to his knees, face hidden in Regulus' stomach, shoulders shaking once more.
Regulus ended up sending Sirius a text. Not long after, Effie, Monty and her had all gathered for a long, difficult conversation filled with enough tears to fill the Great Lakes.
Regulus ended up staying the night, too consumed by fear of what would happen every time he attempted to leave. Though he didn't say, Regulus could tell James was relieved, if his sagging shoulders were any indication. Regulus wasn't complaining, easily content to spend the night wrapped around his new boyfriend, even if the circumstances were less than ideal.