Freeze Your Brain
James was terribly uncomfortable, constantly shifting in the stiff plastic chair that he's gotten used to in his fourteen years of schooling just to have something to do.
Across from him, his guidance counselor, Poppy Pomfrey, sighed. "James, this is an issue."
"I know." he replied weakly, fiddling with the buttons of his flannel.
"If you don't know what career path you wish to take, you'll run out of time to put yourself in the classes you need to get into whatever program you find. You'd have to stay back an extra year."
"I know."
And he did. Oh, how intimately familiar he was with how fucking behind he was in life. Everyone he's talked to knows what they want to major in. Pete, Sirius, Remus, Mary, Lily, Marls. Frank's figured out his plan since they've discussed last(he's decided to become a detective). But James? Not. A. Single. Fucking. Clue.
To make matters worse, the bet has his friends constantly prying, trying to figure out his 'secret'. Sirius is already out of the running, Mary is giving it her all as her deadline is only a few days away. What are they going to say when they find out he has no secret? How are they going to react to finding out James apparently missed some fucking meeting where everyone decided what they wanted to do with their life?
Poppy gives him a sympathetic look. "Alright, we can figure this out. What are your hobbies?"
Suddenly, James can't think of a literally anything he does in his free time. He shrugged half-heartedly. "'M not picky. As long as I'm doing something."
Poppy frowned. "How about your favorite class?"
James looked up at the ceiling, leg bouncing. "I like my phys. ed class."
"We can work with that. Are you on any of the sports teams?"
James shook his head. "I cause too much trouble and am 'too competitive', apparently."
"Do you have a favorite sport?"
"No. I like everything."
"Of course you do." Poppy muttered.
James cringed but was not at all surprised. The James Potter managed to disappoint someone, wow. It's not like that isn't as common occurrence as the sunrise, no, of course not.
"Do you remember those career questionnaires you took in Grade Eight?" Poppy asked.
"Do I remember taking them? Yes. The results? I couldn't even give you a vague idea."
Poppy focused on her computer. "Alright. I'm going to send you an e-mail with those links and I want you to retake them. Think on the options you find, get some outside opinions. Book another appointment in about a month and we'll go from there."
James nodded numbly and turned to leave.
Poppy grabbed his wrist. "Don't stress about it too much. People take Victory Laps all the time. You know Frank Longbottom, yes? Ask him about it. It's not as bad as you think. If you have to stay back, it's not the end of the world."
You don't understand. You don't know what it's like to be James Potter. You don't know what it means to have everyone looking at you, expecting you to be happy, to succeed without even the slightest hiccup. You don't understand. You'll never understand.
James nodded again before slipping out of her office and trugging to the cafeteria.
"James!" Sirius called happily when he saw him, waving him over to their usual table frantically.
James slapped on a smile and hurried over, taking his seat between Peter and Sirius. "Hi."
"How was the appointment?" Lily asked.
James shrugged. "Nothing special. Just looked over a couple paths."
Frank hummed. "Tedious, but important."
"So, James, what exactly were those paths?" Mary asked, propping her hand up on her chin and batting her eyelashes.
James ignored the swirl of anxiety in his gut and narrowed his eyes suspiciously at her. "I'm not giving you any information, Macdonald."
Mary groaned and flopped forward on the table. "I'm not winning this bet, am I?"
"Nope."
"Yeah, yeah, bet this, bet that, I don't care anymore," Sirius rambled with a wave of their hand. "Not important at this moment. What is, is the musical announcment. McGonagall said she'd do it today at lunch so any minute now."
"Any guesses?" Peter asked.
Sirius scowled. "No, not even one. She won't give me anything."
Remus pat her head and she glared up at him. "You've waited this long, you can handle a couple more minutes."
She made a noise like a wounded animal. "I don't think I can, Moons! I will physically combust if I don't find out right now."
Thankfully, before Sirius could 'physically combust', the PA system beeped. The other students paid no mind, continuing to chat at suffocating volumes.
"SHUT UP!" Sirius shouted across the cafeteria and everyone fell silent, turning to stare at him ludicrously.
"Attention students," came McGonagall's voice over the PA system, now perfectly clear in the otherwise quiet room. "It has come time to announce this year's musical. In December of this year, Hogwarts Secondary School will be putting on a performance of Heathers: The Musical but with a little twist. The script has been altered to accommodate anyone of any gender for any role. More information, plus a Google Form sign up sheet, is located outside the drama room. Auditions are next Tuesday, September the 19th. I hope to see you there."
The PA system clicked as McGonagall ended her announcement. The room stayed silent for a beat more before Sirius let out out an extremely high excited squeal, their excitement matched only by their brother, who leapt up from his seat, grabbed Crouch by the arm and started to drag him out of the cafeteria, absolutely beaming despite Crouch's complaints.
The cafeteria spurred back into motion but James watched where Regulus was slipping out the doors, Crouch, Meadowes and both Rosiers in tow. He had begun to do that a lot lately, watching Regulus. He'd never really noticed Regulus when he wasn't- well, Regulus. When he was Sirius' little sister, he was just that- Sirius' little sister, always reaching for Sirius in a room full of people, an anchor admist the sea of chatter and noise. He had been like Sirius' shadow, never really speaking but always there.
It had been a rude awakening, Regulus' coming out. Because, for James, it was more than just Regulus being himself- well, no. Regulus was being his true self, yes, but it had also opened James' eyes to realize that Regulus wasn't just Sirius' little sibling. Regulus was Regulus- himself, his own person. And, well, James had been making up for all the times he looked over him.
James watched as he passed through hallways, scowling at literally everyone and flipping off those who look at him for even a second too long. He watched him in the library, curled over a book and silky curls falling in his face. He watched him with his friends, coming more out of his shell. He watched as he rough-housed with Barty, stronger than he let on. He watched how gentle he became with Pandora, touching her arm with caring hands. He watched as he snarked with Dorcas, lips turned up in teasing smirks. He watched as he gossiped with Evan, eyes - which were not quite grey but not quite green either - rolling every other sentence.
James watched. James admired. James learned. James found himself a little creepy but couldn’t find the strength to stop.
Sirius let out a very dramatic gasp. “We should all do the musical.”
“Yes!” Marlene agreed, grinning.
Remus scrunched up his face. “Do we have to?”
“Yes,” Lily said firmly. “One last thing we all do together before we graduate.”
“I’m down.” Pete said.
“As am I.” said Mary.
Frank hummed. “Sounds fun.”
“James?” Sirius pleaded, eyes sparkling.
A voice - that sounded ridiculously like Poppy - whispered in his mind. A perfect opportunity to explore a new option.
James shrugged. “Alright.”
Everyone looked at Remus.
He threw his head back and groaned. “Fine.”
Sirius beamed and leapt up from her chair, tugging on Remus’ arm. “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”
Remus chuckled, smiling fondly. “We’re coming, Pads, slow down.”
Sirius did not, in fact, slow down. No, he continued to drag Remus all the way to the drama room, the rest of the group in tow.
When they arrived, Reg and his lot were already gone. Sirius eagerly whipped out their phone and scanned the QR code to the Google Form. Everyone followed suit, though with less enthusiasm.
She squealed again as she scrolled through the form. “I think I’m going to go after Heather Chandler. But- not a masc Heather C. The original fem version.”
Marlene slapped his bicep a few times as she lit up with an idea. “Oh. I’ll be your McNamara!”
Sirius bounced in excitement. "James? Will you be our Duke?"
While playing a masculine version of Heather Duke would be fun, James' eye had already caught on another role. He had barely scrolled through the list when he stopped, finger hovering over a name.
Jason-Dean.
James had seen Heathers. James was friends with Sirius for gods sake, of course he had seen Heathers! JD's character had always sparked some sort of intrest in James. See, JD didn't take shit from anyone. He didn't care if anyone liked him because he didn't even like himself. He didn't care about flowing with the norm and he did what he thought was right(even though it was on the complete opposite end of the scale). He did what he did to try and make the world a better place. JD loved fiercly, even if he went about the whole thing wrong. He loved and would do anything for his beloved, including, but not limited to, blowing up his own fucking high school.
A part of James had always longed for that, the freedom of just- being him. He wanted to love with his whole heart without worrying about being too much. He wanted to tell people to fuck off when they were bothering him, wanted to let conversations go through one ear and out the other without spending hours over-analyzing over every word spoken to try and make himself more likeable. He wanted to be able to share his struggles(not that he should have any, he was James Potter, after all) without feeling like a fucking burden.
James wanted to be like JD- y'know, without the whole muder and mental instability.
"Actually, I kind of want to play JD." He said aloud, checking off the box on the form. He scrolled down to the next section, noting what it was about. "I'll put it as my second choice, though."
Lily let out a small sigh, bitting at her nails as she stared at her phone.
Mary glanced over. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know if I want to play Martha or Ms. Flemming." Lily whined.
Pete groand. "I'm in the same boat."
"Well, which song do you like more, Kindergarten Boyfriend or Shine a Light?" Mary asked.
"Kindergarten Boyfriend," Lily said instantly. "It's so sad. I love it."
Pete smiled. "Then you do Martha and I'll be Ms. Flemming- or, well, Mr. Flemming."
Lily frowned. "But which song do you like better?"
Pete shrugged. "Can't choose. They're both bangers."
"Would anyone be mad at me if I chose a really obscure role?" Remus asked.
"Of course not, Moons!" Sirius cried, throwing their arms around Remus' waist and resting their head on his shoulder.
"Choose any role you'd like," said Frank. "We're just glad you're doing it. I, personally, think I'll be going after Kurt Kelly."
"I'm going to be your mother." Mary announced.
Frank laughed. "Sounds like a plan, Macdonald."
"I'll be James' dad," Remus said. "And part of the ensamble."
"JD's dad gets off watching videos of explosions." Marlene announced, feeling the sudden urge to bless everyone with a tidbit of infromation none of them were ready to acknowledge at the moment.
Remus' nose scrunched up. "Thanks, Marls."
Marlene grinned. "Anytime, Remu."
James snorted at the nickname. Three years ago, Marlene had been in charge of getting Remus' birthday cake for his surprise party. The cake had been so covered by sprinkles, icing flowers and crude things made out of fondant that there simply wasn't enough room for 'Happy Birthday Remus!' so it instead said 'Happy Borth Remu'. Safe to say Marlene was no longer allowed to purchase birthday cakes.
Remus rolled his eyes as snickers rose within the group. "I'm leaving to get my shit before the bell rings."
"Bye, Remu!" Marlene called as he began to walk away, Sirius having shifted to tuck herself under his arm.
Remus flipped them off over his shoulder and Sirius threw his head back cackling.