Regulus has been, and feels he always will be, a spectator to life. Sure, he enjoys moments in his life; laughing with his friends; cooking in the kitchen at the Potter’s with Sirius trying to screw up the recipe and James just laughing; studying quietly with Remus in the library; sitting quietly while Pandora braids flowers into his hair. There are things Regulus enjoys and basks in, yes, but most times, he feels like an outsider to the world; an alien to his own planet. When opportunities to be an active member to the world arise, he passes them by, not seeing the need to take it.
Regulus never sees this changing, and frankly, he rather likes his position on the sidelines. Safer that way, more secure. Watching from the outside saves him from the heartache and troubles others experience. Mostly. It’s not as if Regulus can escape normal pressures such as school and quidditch. For the most part though, he is safe from the extra pressures being a spectator to life. Nothing to shake him, nothing to lose, nothing to crave, nothing to want or need. Some would say it seems empty, but Regulus feels quite content.
That is until he notices himself glancing more and more at a certain brown haired, glasses wearing boy and feels a spark of heat ignite within when that certain bespectacled boy looks back and smiles.
Damn you, James Potter.
Thanks to him, Regulus feels himself become susceptible to the very human desire of wanting another person. Maybe it shouldn’t, maybe it should, but this new revelation sparks a fear inside him. Yeah, he was definitely safer on the sidelines.
As the weeks go by, no matter how hard he tries, Regulus can’t smother these feelings. No, instead they seem determined to grow and take root in him like a stubborn weed in a perfectly peaceful garden.
This stubborn weed takes over his feeble attempt at avoiding this very thing, so Regulus finds himself taking a seat in the stands as the Gryffindor quidditch team practices. He tells himself he’s here for Sirius, but that weak attempt at ignoring his predicament quickly goes up in smoke once he sees James soaring through the air, yelling across the pitch at Marlene.
Fuck, he’s so far from the sidelines he may as well be in the field now.
In the middle of the practice, James glances over to the stands and falters in the air once he spots Regulus sitting there, watching. He freezes in the air as a lovely, lopsided smile spreads on his face and it’s such a bright smile that the sun would be envious. Even out here in the winter cold, Regulus feels hot all over. Sirius yells at James to pay attention and Regulus quickly stands and heads back to the castle.
This is getting out of hand at an alarming speed. James’ smile isn’t helping one bit; it keeps flashing in Regulus’ mind and he can see it clearly without even closing his eyes.
Regulus is so wrapped up in his swirling thoughts that he runs right into Pandora at the entrance to go back into the castle.
“Shit,” Regulus mutters as he reaches up to rub at his forehead which collided with Pandora’s.
Pandora just chuckles. “You know, when you look up, you avoid things like this Reggie,” she teases with humor glinting in her eyes.
“Piss off. I was just…distracted is all,” Regulus replies, lazily waving his hand in the air.
Of course, right as those words tumble from his mouth, the boy Regulus was walking away from comes jogging up to him and Pandora.
“Regulus!” He calls as he draws closer.
Pandora leans a little to look behind Regulus and when she looks back at Regulus, there’s something knowing about her eyes. She didn’t even have to ask Regulus. She just knows. Of course.
“Distracted, hm?” she asks, quirking an eyebrow at him with a small smirk.
“Shut up,” is all Regulus can say in reply and after that, James is right by him.
“Not now, Potter,” Regulus says, faking an apologetic tone as he turns to speak to James, “I’m terribly busy, sorry to disappoint.”
With that, Regulus turns away and heads back into the castle, thankfully not running into anyone this time around. He hears James trying to get him to stay, but he’d really rather get away from him, thank you very much.
____________________________________________
James checks the map to see where Regulus is. He just knows that he wasn’t at the Gryffindor quidditch practice to watch Sirius. No, Regulus was there for James. There’s nothing that will stop James from finding out why because he refuses to let himself think it was for what he so desperately hopes it was.
So, here he is, walking to the library to bombard Regulus and bombard him shamelessly. He’s waited for this to happen for too long, he’s not going to let it go so easily.
James locates Regulus in the farthest corner of the library, tucked away in a little corner at a table by himself with books piled in a neat stack on his left. For a minute, James’ steps falter as he comes to a stop, utterly distracted by the mere sight of Regulus.
His head is bent over a book and his soft curls have fallen in front of his face, covering his truly lovely eyes. James so desperately wants to go over and gently push the waves of black hair out of Regulus’ face.
As James finally resumes walking and gets closer to Regulus, he sees that Regulus is chewing on his bottom lip as he scans through the book for something and the sight is very hard for James to tear his eyes away from. He does tear his eyes away from Regulus’ mouth, but only because the boy in question raises his head when James’ shadow falls over him. One of his eyebrows slowly raises and his eyes narrow slightly.
“What do you want, Potter?” he asks with an edge to his voice that James can’t find a reason for, but that doesn’t stop him from loving the sound of it.
“How long before you use my actual name?” James says in reply. Helplessly, he feels his lips tug up at the corners.
“Potter is very literally your name.”
“I meant my first name, Reg.” James clarifies even though he knows perfectly well that Regulus knew what he meant. Regulus just likes being a snarky little shit. James adores it.
“You haven’t answered my question. What do you want, Potter?” Regulus very pointedly emphasizes James’ last name, drawing it out. Even when Regulus is being rude to him, which is practically all he ever is to him, James is completely enamored with him.
James heaves a sigh, he had wanted to annoy Regulus a tad bit more before asking him what he came here to ask, but Regulus isn’t going to stop asking questions until James answers his.
“What were you doing at my practice?”
As soon as he asks the question, Regulus drops his gaze down to his book, very fascinated by it suddenly. That’s all James needs to know Regulus was, indeed, there for him and not Sirius. James can’t help but grin and feel his heart give a small flutter. A rather big flutter, actually, because this is quite possibly the best day of his life.
“Can’t you see I’m studying?” Regulus grits out, “stop bothering me. Go plan pranks or something with Sirius and leave me alone.”
“Fine, fine,” James says through laughter, holding his hands up in surrender, “I’ll leave you alone with your precious books,” Regulus looks up to glare at him, “just one more thing though.”
“What?” Regulus spits out through clenched teeth. He’s gripping his book so hard his knuckles are a ghostly white.
“My friends and I are having a party tonight, you should come.” James offers, a little too hopeful Regulus will say yes and allowing that hope to reflect in his voice.
“No.” Regulus replies simply.
“I’ll see you there.” James says anyway, winking with a smirk as he turns to go. Not before he sees a tint of pink paint across Regulus’ cheeks.
Oh, James is ecstatic.
____________________________________________
This is so stupid. Regulus is so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. No matter how stupid he feels, he’s getting ready for this ridiculous party nonetheless and dragging his friends right along with him.
“Why do we have to go?” Barty complains for the millionth time since Regulus made them all get ready for it, not even giving them a choice. “He invited you, not us.”
“Shut up and pick out an outfit already.”
“No, no, no,” Pandora says firmly, “I’m choosing the outfits. We’re all going to be muggle-fied,” she states with a grin and her eyes are glittering like she already sees her vision so clearly. She most likely does.
“Have at it,” Regulus replies, waving his arm out towards his trunk of clothes.
Pandora pops up from where she was sitting at the end of Evan’s bed and strolls over to drop down in front of the trunk, immediately digging around for an outfit. Regulus sits down on his bed and lets her do her thing.
“Aaaaaaaand, I’m ready!” Evan announces as he barges out of the bathroom, indeed ready for the party. “How do I look?” he asks, posing like a terrible model.
“Perfect,” Pandora beams at him, which only helps in boosting his already unbelievably huge ego. “Exactly what I had in mind for you, Rosie,” she praises, snapping her fingers and then pointing at him with a finger gun while winking. Evan makes a dramatic bow then spins to show off his outfit for the night. He’s wearing black, velvet pants with a silver belt threaded through the loops at the waist, and a plain white button up that is very lazily tucked into the black pants.
Pandora has gone back to digging through Regulus’ trunk, humming as she pulls out clothes and holds pieces together to figure out what works best with what. Barty is splayed out on his back on his bed, waiting for Dorcas to choose his outfit; she had wandered into Regulus’ dorm once she had her dress on and took one look at Pandora picking out Regulus’ clothes before promptly doing the same for Barty. Despite wanting to be tonight’s stylist, Pandora didn’t even warn Dorcas off from doing as she liked.
“And your outfit is ready,” Dorcas looks up from the clothes she’s chosen for Barty, beaming at him with her arms crossed over her chest, clearly pleased with herself.
“Ah, ah, ah,” Dorcas warns when Barty opens his mouth to, presumably, protest the clothing option, “you’re wearing it. Now, go put it on and model for us, Bartemius.”
Barty glares at her as he gets off his bed and grabs the clothes, heading for the bathroom; Dorcas just grins.
“I believe my work is done as well,” Pandora announces as she lays down the clothes she has picked for Regulus; like Dorcas, Pandora looks utterly pleased with herself, planting her hands on her hips with a satisfied smile as she looks down at the outfit she’s built. Regulus glances down at his outfit option and can’t say he hates it. He rather likes what Pandora has chosen, actually.
“Once Barty is done-“
“Yes, I know. Put it on and model it for you all,” Regulus interrupts Pandora, knowing fully what she was going to tell him to do. Pandora hums and throws herself down onto Barty’s now empty bed as she raises her foot, wiggling it in the air a bit. Evan dutifully comes over and ties the laces on her white boots as she places braids throughout her hair, which, Regulus has noticed, has glitter sprinkled through it.
Barty walks out of the bathroom, trying to hide the fact he likes how he looks. Dorcas looks up and beams at him with satisfaction shining in her eyes because she knows he loves it and doesn’t want to show it.
“Well?” she asks, arching an eyebrow at him with a knowing glint in her eyes.
“It’s alright..” Barty mumbles.
“Speak up, Barty dear,” Dorcas teases.
“It’s. Alright.” Barty says, practically shouts, causing Dorcas to laugh lightly.
“You love it,” she states as she folds her arms behind her head and leans back on Barty’s bed where she’s sitting next to Pandora.
“Whatever,” Barty grumbles in response, going over to put on his shoes.
“Why are we even going to this thing?” Barty complains, yet again.
“Oh, Reg hasn’t explained?” Pandora asks, tilting her head a bit with a mischievous spark in her eyes. She’s trying valiantly to not smile and it shows; her lips keep twitching.
No. No. Regulus is not about to explain this act of stupidity, he’d rather save himself the embarrassment.
“Pandora,” he warns, an edge to his tone. She just laughs, but says nothing more.
Regulus doesn’t allow room for more questions that he can just feel are coming by grabbing his clothes and going to the bathroom to change. He feels utterly ridiculous and doesn’t see that feeling going away. Not until this nasty weed stops growing and shrivels.
He finishes changing and he’s honestly thankful Pandora had all plans to put together his outfit. He wouldn’t look this good otherwise.
Regulus steps out of the bathroom and does a halfhearted spin to show off his clothes. Pandora cheers and Dorcas claps while Barty and Evan let out little whistles. Oh, Regulus definitely looks good. Stupidly, this makes Regulus excited for this party.
“One final addition needs to be made,” Pandora announces as she stands from Barty’s bed and bustles around the dorm until she locates a little bag and turns to smile at Regulus.
She going overboard and he knows the reason. He lets her do her work.
____________________________________________
James is one of the most optimistic people in Hogwarts, probably the world, but even he is doubting Regulus will show up.
“Reggie? At a party?” Sirius had asked incredulously when James had told him he invited Regulus. “Oh, you’re hopeless,” he felt the need to point this out to James. James knows that and yet, here he is, waiting outside the portrait for Regulus anyway.
The party’s been going on for a few minutes now and Regulus still hasn’t shown up, but James is very optimistic and very hopelessly gone on this boy. Has been since he was twelve and Sirius had shoved Regulus into their compartment on the train to introduce him and Regulus had given a small, shy wave.
Eventually, his waiting pays off when James glances down the stairs leading to Gryffindor tower and sees a head of black curls walking towards him. Four other heads follow behind Regulus’ and James isn’t surprised Regulus dragged his friends along with him.
“You made-“ James freezes in the middle of greeting Regulus, his face falling slack out of surprise, because of his eyes. Is that…
“Are you wearing eyeliner?” James blurts out stunned as he surges forward and very nearly grabs Regulus’ face to get a better look at the makeup around his eyes, but James ultimately restrains himself from touching Regulus at all. Regulus with eyeliner was not something James knew he needed to see until now. He can’t tear his eyes away.
“That would be my doing,” Pandora states, leaning out from behind Regulus with a smirk painted on her face and satisfaction in her eyes like she got the response from James she was hoping for.
“Do it more,” James breathes out distractedly, not even looking away from Regulus.
“I chose his outfit as well,” Pandora points out, her tone clearly saying look at his clothes, idiot.
With commendable effort, James peels his eyes away from the dark makeup lining Regulus’ eyes to look over his outfit for the night.
Regulus is wearing a leather jacket, which honestly makes James’ brain skip like a faulty record, and a black button up underneath with the first few buttons undone. His pants are black as well and the bottoms of the pants flare out slightly. James sees something glinting in the light and notices the silver rings on Regulus’ fingers. On the left hand he’s wearing a plain silver band that wraps around his pointer finger and on the right, a silver band that’s engraved with stars all around it; this one rests on his ring finger and another plain, silver band rests on his thumb. His outfit is making it harder and harder for James to restrain himself from reaching out and touching Regulus.
James could hardly look away just from the eyeliner before. He won’t be taking his eyes off Regulus the entire night.
Dorcas lets out a small gasp. “So this is why we came,” she bursts out, sounding absolutely ecstatic and her eyes light up with pure delight. Regulus elbows her harshly in the side and she winces. James’ heart rate picks up.
Coughing, Regulus waves his arm towards the portrait. “Are we going in or are we staying out here all night?”
“What?” James blinks up at him until his brain catches up, “Oh! Oh, sorry. Yeah, let’s go in,” with that, he says the password, lets the others walk in first, and follows them inside.
Inside, everyone is already well on the way to getting pissed. James usually would be among them, but he knows he’ll do something completely stupid if he has no control over his impulses and the control he normally has is flimsy as it is. So, James will stay away from all things alcoholic. Safer that way.
Sirius spots them from his spot on the sofa next to Remus and immediately shouts, “Reggie?! You came to a party?”
He still sounds incredulous and only rears back in further disbelief when he sees the eyeliner on Regulus’ eyes. He opens his mouth to, presumably, point out the eyeliner, but before he can, Regulus turns to James to ask, “Where’s the drinks?”
“Right over there, love,” James answers, pointing at where Regulus’ friends are crowded around a table. He glances back at Regulus to see him looking horrified.
“Love? Love?” Regulus sputters out, “Don’t call me that again, Potter,” he says harshly, though the blush spreading across his face takes the heat out of his words. Oh, he likes that. No way will James refrain from using the pet name now.
“Whatever you say, love,” James coos at Regulus and he marches off towards the drinks, grumbling at James under his breath. James follows after him because, well, of course he does.
“Do you plan on following me around like a lost dog all night?” Regulus asks flatly, not even needing to turn around to know James is right behind him.
“Yes,” James admits shamelessly as a smile spreads on his face.
“I’m so lucky,” Regulus states flatly.
“No, no I’m the lucky one,” James clarifies, “I got you to come to a party and now I get to hang out with you all night. Clearly I’m the lucky one.”
“Maybe I’m the lucky one,” Regulus mumbles under his breath quietly, so quietly that James almost doesn’t hear it over the loud sounds of the party progressing on around them. Miraculously, James’ smile grows. He debates whether or not to point out that little statement, but he’s not so sure that Regulus will leave or not if he does so he stays quiet.
Regulus pours himself a drink once they reach the table and he glances at James once he’s acquired his drink.
“Aren’t you getting any?” Regulus asks, arching an eyebrow at James.
“No, I think it’s best I keep my wits about me,” James admits sheepishly, reaching up to tap his temple. Regulus shrugs and downs his entire cup full of fire whiskey in one swallow then refills his cup.
“Oh, this’ll be entertaining to watch,” Pandora comments with a smirk as she comes to stand next to James and watch Regulus refilling his cup.
“How so?” James glances at her with his eyebrows furrowed.
Pandora just hums. “You’ll see,” and with that, she wanders off to go chat with Evan and Barty.
“Okay,” James reaches out and grabs Regulus’ cup when he goes to refill it a third time, “I think that’s enough for now, love.”
“Don’t call me love and don’t tell me what to do,” Regulus argues and makes a swipe for his cup only for James to pull it back out of range. Regulus sways forward, still reaching, and puts his other hand on the table to lean forward as James leans back, putting his hand holding Regulus’ cup above and behind him. They’re so close, James can feel Regulus’ breath on his skin and his head spins from their proximity.
“Well, hello,” James whispers and Regulus glances down from his cup to meet James’ eyes.
A beat of silence passes between them and the world narrows down to Regulus’ eyes on James’ face, the sound of the lively party suddenly melting away and going quiet. Regulus’ eyes drop down to James’ mouth then dart right back to his eyes, but James caught the movement. Regulus sucks in a sharp breath and pulls away quickly.
“Yeah, okay, I need more to drink,” Regulus mutters to himself and just grabs another cup, not even bothering to try and retrieve the one James stole. James huffs, but doesn’t attempt to take the new cup, watching as Regulus fills it.
They move over to the sofa where Sirius is sitting with his head on Remus’ shoulder as he chats with Mary who is leaning forward from behind the sofa. Dorcas and Marlene are getting on very well from the looks of it; Dorcas is leaning against the back of a chair Lily is seated in and Marlene seems to be hanging off every word that falls from her lips. Pandora is perched on the arm of Lily’s chair and Peter is sitting on the floor in front of the chair, leaning against Lily’s legs as he, Lily, and Pandora talk. Evan is sitting on Remus’ other side as he, Barty, and Remus talk. James pushes Sirius a bit to make room for him and Regulus as he throws himself down onto the sofa, pulling Regulus along with him.
“Watch it, Potter,” Regulus warns, “you’re going to make me spill this.”
“We wouldn’t want that, would we, love,” James teases, pleased to note that Regulus doesn’t glare at him for the pet name. Sirius’ head snaps up when he hears it though.
“Did you just call my little Reggie love,” he sputters out, looking and sounding horrified. “Tell me you didn’t just call my brother ‘love’.”
“Afraid I can’t do that, Pads, as that would be lying,” James says solemnly and Sirius groans, burying his face into the crook of Remus’ neck. James just laughs.
The night carries on and everyone gets progressively more pissed. The party’s slowed down and Regulus is leaning against James now, talking lazily with Pandora and his eyelids look heavy. James nudges him softly with his shoulder and Regulus turns to look at him, blinking slowly. Frankly, he looks nothing short of angelic.
“You look tired, love,” James whispers softly in Regulus’ ear.
Regulus just hums, sounding utterly relaxed. “I like when you call me that, you know,” he mumbles as he relaxes into James’ side more with a pleased sigh. Oh, he’s so pissed and James is so gone on him. James couldn’t possibly be happier that is until Regulus reaches up to brush some hair out of James’ eyes, his touch so soft James could cry. For what feels like ages, James is in fucking paradise with Regulus’ hand resting lightly on his cheek and him smiling lazily up at James. He admittedly forgets other people exist outside of them until Pandora laughs softly as she watches them.
Regulus seems to get a grip on his senses then and pulls his hand away quickly like James is on fire. He springs off the couch, his body stiff all over.
“Regulus?” James asks cautiously, trying to keep his voice steady and not show how desperately he wants to pull Regulus back to his side.
“Well, as fun as this was,” Regulus forces his words out from behind a clenched jaw, “I really should go. It’s getting late.”
And with that, Regulus turns on his heel and leaves. Not long after, Pandora, Barty, and Evan follow. Dorcas had disappeared with Marlene quite some time ago now.
James tries to follow after Regulus, but Pandora gently stops him.
“It might be best to leave him be for the night,” she whispers gently to James with a sympathetic smile. James nods slightly in response.
____________________________________________
Regulus knew going to that damn party was a bad idea. He knew and he still went all because his heart does gravity defying flips when James so much as smiles in his direction. He feels utterly stupid and betrayed by his own body and heart. They’re not listening to his brain at all.
Even standing out here at the Astronomy Tower, in the open air, he feels hot all over. The air is ice cold with it being December, but that doesn’t take the heat out of his face. Looking at the stars normally gives Regulus a sense of calm and he hates that not even the stars are a comfort to him right now.
He hears the door to the tower creak slightly and he doesn’t even need to turn to know that James has just wandered in. Regulus is in no mood to talk, especially to him, or be nice with his words.
“Piss off, Potter,” Regulus snaps, very sure James hasn’t even gotten both feet in the door yet.
There’s a long stretch of silence and Regulus assumes James has shockingly listened to him and left, but then James is leaning up against the rail next to him.
Regulus groans and drops his head forward, “What could you possibly want? You got me to go to your ridiculous party and make a complete fool of myself. What is it now, James?”
“Oh, it’s ‘James’ now, is it?” James whispers softly, a slightly teasing note to his voice.
“What do you want?” Regulus is quickly losing his patience.
“Why’d you leave? If it wasn’t blatantly obvious, I enjoyed your presence there,” James informs him and Regulus feels his heart do another gravity defying flip. Regulus glances over at James and his eyebrows are furrowed as he looks down at his hands like they hold the answers he’s looking for. James looks over and meets Regulus’ eyes. He’s scared and worried of what would happen if he let himself have this and yet he can’t look away from James’ eyes as they search his own.
“I was- I am scared,” Regulus admits in a whisper. “I’ve never…felt like this for anyone. I don’t know what to do with it or how to handle it. I’ve never handled another person’s heart and maybe that’s for the best, James. It’s difficult enough for me to take care of my own, how am I meant to cradle another’s with hands that don’t know how to be gentle? I can’t. James, I can’t. Not with anyone and especially not with you. You don’t deserve my broken hands.”
Inexplicably, Regulus’ eyes have filled with tears threatening to spill over so he looks up at the stars, avoiding James’ eyes.
“Regulus,” James whispers softly, so softly it’s heartbreaking, “I get to decide what I deserve or don’t.”
Regulus looks back at James purely out of shock. Did he not hear a word Regulus said? He doesn’t know how to love. James would be signing up for a world of pain. Though, Regulus thinks, he would try his absolute hardest to be good enough for James. He can learn to be gentle if this is the man who would love him.
“How can you know you wouldn’t be lovely to me if you won’t let yourself? Don’t give us up before we’ve gotten a fair try. Let yourself have something for once. Let yourself choose to be happy,” James seems to falter then and he coughs as he looks away and finishes with, “that- that is if being with me would make you happy, of course.”
“It could end badly,” Regulus declares, but it lacks heart to make it sound as though he believes it.
“Let’s see how it could start before getting to how it could end, love,” James says softly, swiveling his head to the side to look at Regulus again. He’s staring right at Regulus, waiting.
He takes a deep inhale and slowly lets it out, letting his eyes sink shut as he breathes slowly. When he opens them, he meets James’ gaze and looks right in his eyes and his decision is final. He never stood a chance anyway.
“Yeah. Yeah, alright. Let’s see how it could start,” Regulus whispers back and watches as a lovely, little smile curves James’ lips. He feels a smile of his own forming on his face just by watching James look at him with such unbridled affection, it can’t be seen as anything else.
James clearly has a question he desperately wants to ask, but he bites on his bottom lip until he can’t restrain himself anymore and blurts out, “Love, can I-“
“Yes. Yes, of course you can,” Regulus cuts him off, already knowing what James will ask.
And sure enough, James is surging forward in the next second to catch Regulus in a soft, slow kiss. One of James’ hands comes up to cup the back of Regulus’ neck, while the other snakes around his lower back, pulling him closer. The kiss deepens naturally and the only witnesses to their love are the twinkling stars hanging in the sky above them, covering them like a shining blanket.
Regulus always watched life from the sidelines; a spectator to his own life, watching as the world passes him by. He never saw this changing until James. Until James came in with his sunshine smiles and pulled him from the sidelines to the field. He’s gotten a taste of living and he doesn’t plan to go back any time soon.