The Apartment We Share

Aiah 

“Are you crying?”

Aiah looked up at the person who shattered the silence in the corridor. She was slumped beside the wall, her head bowed down as she silently sobbed before footsteps approached her. It was Jhoanna, her friend who’s also on her third year of residency like her. They grew up together, attached to the hip kaya naman pati kurso at trabaho, parehas sila. 

She wiped her tears as Jhoanna lowered herself on her level, offering her some tissue while looking worriedly at her. “Uy, why are you crying here? Did something happen?”

Aiah accepted the tissue then gently wiped her eyes, “I’m fine. Jho. Pagod lang siguro.”

Jho made a face at that before sitting down beside her, “Yeah sure. Ano nga? Eto parang di magkadugtong yung bituka natin since grade two.”

Aiah let out a soft laugh, her tears stopped now. She can feel the dry tear stains on her face and resented the idea of having to wash her face.  She’s fiddling with the tissue on her hands when Jho spoke again, “Sumbong kita kay Stacey, sige ka.”

Stacey is Jhoanna’s wife. Her friend married young because right after she came out to her parents, she eloped with Stacey. Trust her friend to do something stupid while being a med student. They’re fine now though, both families warmly accepted them years after their ‘shotgun wedding’. At least one of them has the luck in relationships. Unlike her.

“Kakampihan naman ako n’on.” Pabirong sabi ni Aiah, her voice still sore from the crying.

It’s Jhoanna's turn to laugh, a loud one, before her face turned serious. “She’ll be worried too if she finds out you’re crying in the middle of our shift. You’ve never done this before. I mean, you did when that kid died but we don’t have any dying patients right now so what’s wrong?”

“I’m tired, Jho.”

“Ayaw mo na maging doctor?”

Aiah shook her head. Aiah thinks it’s time to let it out then, it’s finally over. This whole mess she got herself in is slowly coming to an end. “I’m tired of waiting for Mikha.”

Jho looks puzzled with that. Aiah never told anyone about it anyway, not even her closest friends. She’s a very private person, even to her loved ones. You’ll never catch her sharing a secret even with those she considers her best friends. Maybe that’s also the reason why it hurts a lot. She carried this secret for so long, a secret she can’t even grasp because it’s only real whenever Mikha’s drunk. Anong pinanghahawakan niya, di ba? Only her feelings.

It took a whole minute for Jho to snap out of it then reality hits her. “You like her?! The Mikha Lim? As in roommate, famous photographer, schoolmate Mikha L-”

Aiah mentally facepalmed, “Jho, please.”

“Sorry, sorry. Shet, I owe Stacks a thousand. Damn.” Jho scrunched her nose at the thought of losing to her wife. 

“Really? Pinagpustahan niyo ako?” Aiah looks unimpressed, rolling the dry tissue she was holding then throwing it at her friend who dodged it perfectly. The nerve.

“Eh, ang tagal niyo na daw nakatirang dalawa sa iisang apartment, tapos naman na yung pandemiya years ago. The only reason you shared an apartment is because this city went on a lockdown. Tapos di ka na umalis, so you know, she insisted that something is going on. I contradicted her, saying that the apartment was near our hospital, so you stayed. Ayan, talo naman pala ako. Parang di ako kababata, mas kilala ka pa niya kaysa sa akin.” Jho exhaled, like a thousand is so heavy for her. “So, you like her? Kailan pa? And why are you tired of waiting for her, doesn’t she feel the same?”

“She does. Once a year.”

March 29, 2020

“Hija, are you sure you’re okay? Your Dad is so worried anak, we are all worried here, we can get you home. We can talk to your Tito John; he’s a police officer. He can take you ho-” Hindi na natuloy ng Mom niya ang sasabihin  nito.

Aiah smiled at her Mom through her phone, the video quality of the call blurring her Mom’s worried face. “Ma, okay lang po ako. And I think I’ll serve as a big help here. I just need to find some place to stay kasi our landlord gave us until the last day of this month to move out. They can’t let us stay because we are interns. Takot sila baka daw may dala kaming sakit-” Aiah saw her Mom’s angry face again but she immediately comforted her, “-It’s okay, Ma. It’s perfectly understandable. I’ll get going na, okay? I’ll be looking for apartments pa. Love you!”

When the call ended, she let out a huge sigh. She’s scared; the pandemic is getting worse but she’s a medical student. If anything, she’ll serve as a big help here. Her only wish is that may her family be safe all throughout this hell. 

Jhoanna insisted she stay with her and Stacey, but Aiah doesn’t like that. Stacey’s apartment is small, and it is only intended for two people. Aiah knows at times like this, every offer matters so instead of completely turning it down, she told them that if ever she won’t have luck on finding a place to stay, she’ll go live with them for a while. Still, she’ll try her best to look for some. 

She asked every person she knows who may know someone that can help her and she’s waiting for their replies when her friend from highschool, Maloi, messaged her. She sent a photo of a post that says “looking for a roommate” then checked it on facebook. It was such a pretty good deal she didn’t bother looking closely at the person’s profile and immediately sent them a message. While waiting for a reply though, that’s when she saw who it was. 

Mikha Lim. Her schoolmate back then, she remembers her from those volleyball games her friends always dragged her to watch. She was extremely famous at their school before, even girls seem to like her. Aiah doesn’t know her personally, but she hopes she’s nice. Ayaw naman niya makisama sa isang tirahan with someone who’s awful.

When Mikha replied, she didn’t waste her time and started packing up her things. 

She was greeted the next day by a beautiful woman on her new shared apartment’s door, beaming at her. Mikha opened the door widely to let her in, offering her a hand. Like there’s no pandemic going on. Like she wasn’t a medical student starting her residency and being exposed to the virus every day at the hospital. Like it’s just a normal day. “Hi, come in. Aiah, right? Schoolmate back in highschool?”

Aiah walked inside, her bags in a tow. She’s wearing her mask and face shield, but she still smiled back. She put the bags down and wiped her hands on her jeans before accepting Mikha’s hand, shaking it politely. “Hello, yes, it’s Aiah. And yes, school mate tayo noong high school. You remember?”

“I always do.”

Aiah’s heart did a little flip with that.

March 30, 2021

Aiah shook her head as stood up to start cleaning up the table. Mikha’s drunk and she’s currently looking at her glass like it’s the most fascinating thing in the world. Aiah knows it’s time to clean up. May trabaho silang dalawa bukas. 

Mikha went home earlier carrying some paper bags, smiling at her while saying they should celebrate her day of moving in here with her. Aiah couldn't say no so here they are. If you’re gonna ask her, it’s a sweet but weird gesture. They rarely talk or share a meal. They weren’t exactly friends but they’re pretty civil. They learned through the whole year how to leave some food for the other, or how to alternately take out the trash or even get the laundry at the shop below their floor. Co-existing with Mikha is such an easy task, they had a rough time at the first few months, but they eventually found a routine to follow. They were doing fine.

Until Mikha gently grabbed Aiah’s wrist while she’s taking the empty cartons of food from the table.

“What? Do you need something?” She asked, letting go of the carton but not pulling her hand away from Mikha’s gentle grip. They haven’t touched each other aside from the handshaking when they first met. Until now.

Aiah realized she liked it.

Mikha was looking down on her feet when she said something that tilted Aiah’s world.

“I crave the sight of you every day.”

She looks up at Aiah this time, her eyes contain nothing but clarity in them. Like she’s seeing Aiah for the first time. “I’m glad you were among the ones who messaged me last year for this apartment. It’s a privilege to share it with you, Aiah.”

Aiah couldn’t sleep that night. The next day, Mikha asked her what happened. 

It took her a few seconds to answer, her sleepless night catching up on her. “Nothing, we were just too drunk last night.”

Are her feelings being played with?

March 30, 2022

Several months after that night, Aiah tried to brush it off and was successful if she can say so herself. She went on for a year without thinking of Mikha’s silly confession last year. They were drunk, she probably made it up on her mind, right? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. She’s a resident now, having done with her one-year internship. She’s got a lot on her table and her roommate’s confession should be the last thing on her mind.

Except the said roommate makes it hard to do it.

She’s taken into account Aiah’s favorite snacks, particularly the sweets. She likes to keep a stock of sweets in their fridge which weren’t there when she moved in as Mikha is not a fan of it. They agreed to do groceries separately because they don’t know each other’s preference on certain foods, but lately, Mikha started to buy her sweets. Again, she tried hard to brush it off and instead started doing the same. Maybe it was just a friendly gesture, she might have seen how tired Aiah is from her residency. Yeah, that’s it.

And it’s not like she can ask about it. That would be stupid.

It only fueled her thoughts about being too tired because when she went home from her shift, Mikha’s waiting for her on their couch, food was prepared in front of her. Only then she remembered that it’s been two years since she moved in here, the pandemic is slowly disappearing. 

“Have you eaten, Ate Aiah?”

She almost rolled her eyes. Mikha came across her ID one time when it fell from her bag, she saw her birthdate and found out she was a year older. Ever since then, she calls her Ate to tease her lightly. She lets it be.

“Is it the day ‘I moved in’ celebration again?” She asked as she flopped down beside Mikha, her bag discarded beside her.

“Of course, we’re doing this annually ‘no. Minsan na lang kita makita for someone na roommate ko so a once-a-year celebration is needed. How are you?”

They drink for hours, and with drunk Mikha, they talk a lot more than just pleasantries and small teasing when the other passes by, just like the first night. Aiah regrets it later on because she’s bound to witness something that will make her sleepless again. What a good thing to do for someone in the medical field where sleep is a privilege.

She was fiddling with the hem of her scrubs when it went quiet. That’s strange, Mikha was just talking. She looks up to her companion staring intently at her, like there wasn’t any alcohol in her system. Like Aiah hung the moon. And that’s scary because she knows that look.

 Aiah found out she has a strong alcohol tolerance, which is a cursed thing to have right now. She wished she could get drunk and have alcohol blackouts like Mikha does. So she won’t remember anything after. Won’t remember anything from this madness for a year.

“You’re beautiful. Sometimes my eyes forget your face because I don’t see you that often but when I do, your face frustrates me so much, Ate Aiah.”

“Why?” She dared ask. 

“I can’t call it mine.” Mikha leaned back and lowered herself on the couch before closing her eyes and covering it with her arm, “C-can’t call you mine.”

She can’t do this to herself for the second time around. Will it always be like this every year? Will Mikha forget about it tomorrow?

She grabbed the blanket beside her and covered her roommate with it before retiring to her room. She gave up trying to sleep by the time the clock reached 3 am. So much for taking some rest before her shift starts later.

When she saw Mikha drinking orange juice the next day by the kitchen counter, she went straight to the door and acted like she didn’t see her. Mikha’s not having any of it when she called her and asked her what happened after she fell asleep last night. She thanks her for giving her the blanket and apologizes for sleeping on her too.

But not for forgetting her confession.

Aiah paused by the door, it took her a minute before she turned around and saw Mikha expectantly waiting for her to answer. Her tongue tasted something bile. Later on, she found out it’s blood because she bit her tongue too hard to suppress her tears. 

“It’s okay, Mikha. I was too tired too. I fell asleep after going to my room.”

March 30, 2023

She lost a patient the day the next celebration took place. She didn’t wanna go home but Jho told her to. She didn’t wanna leave the little boy who was waiting for a heart donor only to find out that the heart was taken from them. She didn’t wanna leave the little boy’s mom as she signed the papers that will take her kid to the morgue. It was all too much, even those pandemic patients didn’t make her cry this much.

She went home to Mikha smiling at her then stopping once she saw her face.

“What happened?”

Her lips quivered as she stood by the door, her eyes began pouring crocodile tears as she stared at her roommate who stood up from the sofa and walked towards her. She hiccups as she wiped her nose with her scrub’s sleeve while staring at Mikha, she couldn’t force a word out of her that’s why when Mikha gently pries her hand away from her face and wiped her tears with her hands, she slumped forward, and Mikha caught her in a tight hug.

They don’t normally touch, they don’t hug or hold each other’s faces. You can count on one hand the times they have touched each other in the span of 3 years that they’ve been living together. But at that moment, it felt like Mikha’s shoulder was carved for Aiah’s face to lean into. 

They stayed like that for a while before Mikha guided her to the couch and they celebrated like nothing happened. It was going well, she was finally feeling fine after a long, tiring day when Mikha spoke up.

Aiah never learned.

Because instead of standing up and saving herself from the confession, she let Mikha sit down closer to her and listened.

“Please, never cry in front of other people but me.”

Aiah let out a sigh, she knew this was coming. She has seen this before. But, if this is all she’ll get from this woman, can you blame her for wanting to take her share?

“Why?” How many times will she ask this question and how many times will it be forgotten? 

“It shouldn't be a surprise to me that you’re gonna be a pretty crier. That’s the very first time you cried in my presence, and it sounds so wrong but your tear stained face fills my heart with different feelings. I’m sure anyone else will think the same. What if they fall for you? That can’t happen.” Mikha’s lips formed a pout, her brows furrowed while she shuffled closer to Aiah. She planted her head on Aiah’s shoulder and made herself comfortable. Aiah is having a hard time. Her feelings from the past years have only grown, but Mikha’s feelings just keep on sprouting and dying on the same day.

“Why can’t it happen?”

“Because everything that’s Aiah’s is for Mikha alone.”

Only then Aiah let a tear escape again. She just keeps on falling and falling for someone who doesn't exist at this point. A different Mikha. She’s in too deep.

She woke up with a coffee and a note the next day. 

‘Hope you feel better. I’ll be out of town for two weeks. Be back soon, Ate Aiah!’

March 30, 2024

“Anak, are you sure you don’t wanna move out yet? It’s been years since the pandemic, we can buy you some space na for your own. I know Mikha’s nice, but you might want your own space na.” 

Her mom called her while she’s at work, one of her daily kamusta calls to Aiah. She goes home every now and then when she gets the chance but her Mom doesn’t let a day go without asking how she’s been. She’s also intent on buying Aiah a new space even though she earns her own money.

She had thought of it. Moving out. After all, the pandemic was over two years ago, and she doesn’t need to share space with anyone to afford the rent. Also, there’s no lockdown preventing her. But then, it was so convenient to live in their shared apartment. Not only was it near the hospital she’s working at but it also served as Aiah’s home for years. She can’t simply move out.

She’s terrified to move out. 

But she won’t tell her Mom that.

“Okay lang, Ma. Ang ganda kasi ng space dito e. Plus it’s near the hospital. I’ll let you know once I decide to look for my own. Tsaka hindi naman po ganoon kalaki pa ang sahod ko, it’s still a good thing that I can share a rent with someone.”

When her shift was over, she was dreading the thought of going back at the apartment. But she needed to, might as well rip it off like a bandage. Maybe she’ll decline the drinks this time. Nahihirapan na rin si Aiah na pilit kalimutan ang mga nangyayari na madali namang kalimutan ni Mikha.

Her shifts end pretty late these days because of the shuffles in their duty. Hindi na nga rin niya kasabay ang kaibigan na si Jho kaya mag-isa ito umuwi. 

When she arrived at the apartment, the lights were dim. She had to squint her eyes to see Mikha’s figure at the floor to ceiling windows, looking over at the city below. She thought she had a chance to run to her room before Mikha catches a glimpse of her but again, she was wrong.

“You’re here na. Did your schedule change?” 

She stopped her steps and nodded, “Yes, it did. I’m sorry, did I disturb you?”

Mikha put down the glasses she was holding that Aiah didn’t notice earlier. That’s when her eyes traveled to the table where there were empty bottles of wine. She’s drunk already. This is not good. Maybe she should take her Mom’s advice of moving out.

“No, it’s the day of your moving in here, remember? We always have drinks to celebrate.”

Aiah stared at her for a few moments before mustering up the courage to shake her head, “I can't, I have an early shift tomorrow.”

Mikha’s shoulder visibly slumped as she declined, Aiah tried her best to stand her ground.“Oh, okay. Have a great night, Ate Aiah.”

She turned around again and faced the windows; Aiah took that as a chance to go inside her room. This is fine. 

Until it wasn’t.

She went out for some water around 3 am when she heard mumbling. She went near the living room and that’s when the mumblings started to sound clear. Mikha is talking. When she rounded the corner, her roommate was having a conversation with her half empty glass of wine. Gaano ba kalasinggero ito?

She was so tempted to just go back inside her room and leave her be. Her footsteps betrayed her, and she found herself beside the drunk roommate she’s been dealing with once a year. “Mikha, let’s get you to bed.”

Mikha’s face lit up when she spoke, her hooded eyes looking glad to see Aiah like she didn’t see her come home earlier. “You’re here!”

Aiah's heart clenches at the sight. Why can’t she look at her like that when sober? Why does Aiah have to settle on her liquid courage to hear Mikha’s words?

“Where have you been? I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting. Ang tagal mo..” She said sulkingly at Aiah.

“Let’s get you clean up-”

“I missed you.”

Mikha lifted her hand and tucked Aiah’s hair behind her ears, the gesture so pure it sent Aiah’s tears falling. This isn't fair. 

“I really missed you. Don’t cry, please. You’re making my heart hurt, Ate Aiah.”

You’ve been hurting my heart for years, Miks.

She’s terrified to move out because she fears that this apartment is all she can have of Mikha. And their yearly celebration where she can convince herself that Mikha was truly hers. 

She’s terrified to move out because at some point, a part of her is still waiting.

March 30, 2025

“You can’t keep doing this to me, Mikha. You can’t keep telling me how you feel for me and treat me like a friend the next day. You don’t get to treat me like that.” Aiah sobbed quietly while staring at the sleeping Mikha. She fell asleep talking about Aiah’s eyes. 

Maybe some of this is her fault for not confronting the woman herself once she’s sober. But the thing is, she can’t. Because what will she say? That Mikha’s drunk confessions has been going on for years and she needs to know what’s real and what’s not? Hindi nga maalala ng tao yung nangyari at naramdamn niya, paano siya paniniwalaan nito? She’ll only make a fool out of herself. She should have moved out when the pandemic was over. She shouldn't have waited for Mikha to remember something. It’s been years. She’s waiting for something that’s never going to happen.

Mikha was never hers to begin with.

This has to end now. 

Present day

“That last celebration was a week ago?” Jho asked, shock evident on her face.

Aiah just nodded. Her friend was still processing what she just told her. “Aiah, bakit hindi ka nagsabi?”

This is when Aiah stood up from the floor, she won’t have any of this scolding.It won’t change anything. She was way into deep before and she’s crawling out of the hole now. She doesn’t need Jhoanna scolding her.

“It’s fine, Jho. I’m fine. I’m actually planning on moving out next month. I've been looking for some units nearby.” She smiled at her friend who still hadn't moved an inch from where she was sitting.

 It’s a lie. She hasn't done any of those yet. But she’s decided that she will be gone by next month from that shared apartment. Aiah needs to go, or she’ll lose herself.