Day 19- letter, Jegulus
Regulus had always struggled with feelings. Growing up in a house where you were expected to be an unreadable blank sheet of neutrality can do that to you. He didn’t know how to feel things properly, how to process his emotions or express them.
When they were little, he and his brother had been gifted journals by their oldest cousin Bellatrix. They were intricate and fancy, much too posh for 6 and 7-year-olds to be gifted, but they weren’t just any children, they were heirs to the House of Black.
Bellatrix had explained to them that they could use these journals to write down anything, their dreams and their hopes, their thoughts about the day they just had or the secrets they never wanted anyone to find out and they would be kept safe, protected by enchantments that wouldn’t let anyone else read them.
Regulus had loved it and used it every day to write down everything he was unable to express. He doesn’t think Sirius ever picked his up again, it was probably still collecting dust under his bed, but Regulus' held everything from the past 10 years.
This led to him only knowing how to express his feelings through written words, he wasn’t comfortable saying them, the words felt like hot tar in his throat, but put a pen to paper and he could write essays on his every emotion.
“I wrote you a letter, telling you exactly how I feel, telling you how much I-” Regulus cuts himself off, the adrenaline not enough to force the words out of his mouth, the block on his feelings everpresent, never-ending in its pursuit of keeping him from happiness.
“What letter?” James doesn’t even notice what Regulus has failed to say once again, his eyebrows are furrowed in confusion and tears are forming in his eyes. He looks at Regulus as if he’s a burning star, like it hurts his eyes and burns his face to look but to tear his gaze away would be even more excruciating.
“What letter, Reg please,” James tries to grab his hands but Regulus pulls them away, closing his eyes for a moment so it doesn’t hurt as much. He scoffs, the air punching out of him in a sharp short noise that makes James whine as he fights back his tears.
Regulus’ heart feels like it's physically breaking in his chest, he knows James got the letter, he made sure of it, and now James is here lying to him.
“I never got a letter, Reg please, you have to believe me.” James pleads and Regulus finds it harder to breathe, he’s had years of practice hiding his emotions, locking them behind doors and never letting them surface, but here, in front of James who has managed to hurt him in a way he never believed possible, nothing works.
“Don’t lie to me.” He means for his voice to come out demanding but it sounds weak and watery, it doesn’t help. James takes a step forward and Regulus takes a step back, he can’t let James get any closer to him.
“I’m not, I wouldn’t,” James shakes his head frantically, tears spilling down his cheeks, and his hands raised like he wants to reach for Regulus but is stopping himself. “What did it- what did you say?”
Regulus laughs, but it sounds more like a sob, so pathetic that he wants to hurl. He scrubs a hand over his face, trying to pull himself together, he doesn’t want James to see him like this, he doesn’t want him to know the effect he has
“Please James, don’t do this.”
“Reg, I need to know what was in that letter,”
“James.” Regulus summons all of his courage, and all of his energy to try and get him to stop. “You’re hurting me,”
James whimpers, shuffling forward slightly before taking a step back to try and give Regulus space. “I never meant to, I’m not trying too, I’m sorry- I’m so sorry Reg, but I am begging you to tell me”
Regulus exhales slowly, tilting his head up to look at the ceiling, wanting nothing more than for this to be over, so he can sob and lament his misfortune in the comfort of his dorm surrounded by people who don’t ignore his displays of affection.
“Reg I love you, and I need to know what I missed because I swear to you, I never had that letter, and I will hate myself every day for hurting you like this but please,” There's no air in James’ lungs when he finishes speaking, his chest rising and falling with heaving breaths as tears stream down his cheeks and his world feels like it’s crashing around him.
Regulus looks at James, eyes darting around his face, trying to see any hint that James is lying, trying to make sure he’s got this right before he acts.
“You didn’t get the letter?” Regulus asks, his gaze fixed on James’ eyes.
“I didn’t, and I will swallow veritaserum, take on oath and travel us back in time to see what happened if that’s what it takes for you to trust me.” His eyes look like he’s telling the truth, wide and honest as they always are and Regulus feels even worse than before.
Regulus feels his knees go weak and he stumbles backwards, leaning on a table. He brings his hands up to bury his face in them and lets out a horrible choking, sobbing noise that sounds like he’s choking. “I’m sorry, fuck I shouldn’t have doubted you, I’m, how can I ever make this up to you,”
When James responds, Regulus can tell he’s stood much closer than he was before, “Can I touch you?”
Regulus nods, although he’s unsure if it’s obvious to James. It’s made clear that it is when James moves forward, wrapping his arms around Regulus so tight that it makes him sob harder. James is so clearly making sure Regulus knows he still loves him, that he doesn’t care that Regulus messed up so awfully.
“I don’t blame you, at all, and I don’t need you to apologise,” Regulus wraps his arms around James, moving to cry into his shoulder. James just keeps him close, murmuring apologies and reassuring him he’s okay, and that this is all going to be fine.
“I told you how much I love you, and I thought for weeks that you just ignored me,”
“I would nev- You love me?” James’ smile is clear in his voice, a complete turn from the past 15 minutes of devastation, and all Regulus can do it tilt his head and kiss James like their lives depend on it, and with the way he gets kissed back, well they just might.