Serious
Wynns much more serious these days. Since she and Evie got together, Evie has noticed she’s not as smiley. Not as outgoing. She’s quieter and keeps to herself more, just spending time with their family.
“Wynn?”
“Mm?” She hums.
“I need to ask you something,” she says carefully.
“Okay…”
Evie leans against the counter, crossing her arms over her chest as she looks at Wynn sitting on the sofa. “Are you happy?” She asks softly.
Wynn’s face immediately smooths over into something completely blank. There’s a moment of terror in her eyes, which immediately disappears behind a neutral mask. “Of course I am,” she says. “Why?”
Evie sighs, wincing as she sees Wynns walls go up.
“Why, Evie?” Wynn presses. “Are you not happy?”
Evies head snaps up “No, I am! Of course I am,” she says quickly.
Wynn just looks at her, waiting.
“It’s just-“ she sighs, tightening her arms around herself. “I’m worried you’re unhappy.”
Wynn softens a bit, tilting her head in confusion, but the neutral stare melts away into something slightly concerned and slightly reassuring. “Why? What has you worried about that?”
“It’s just that you aren’t really- you’ve changed a lot, since we got together,” Evie says hesitantly.
“I’ve changed?” Wynn echoes.
Evie nods. “It’s just… when we met,” she says softly. “You were so… loud and outgoing and smiley. And now…”
Wynn tenses, frowning.
“It’s not that I don’t love you how you are now,” Evie says. “It’s not that at all. I just noticed that you’re more serious now, more guarded. You only spend time with us and you aren’t as outgoing. And I didn’t know… I wasn’t sure why. And it makes me worried you’re unhappy. That you’re depressed or something and losing interest in things you enjoy and are withdrawing-“
“Do I act unhappy?” Wynn interrupts her. “Do you feel like I don’t-“
“Not that I’ve noticed. Not around our family. You seem good around us. It’s just with strangers and everything. You’re just not as outgoing as you used to be. And you seem… I dunno. You’re very protective and you always have been but you seem… you seem stressed about it, now. Anxious in a way you didn’t used to be.”
Wynn frowns, considering.
“It’s just that a lot has happened and a lot has changed since we got together and I wanted to make sure you’re happy. That you still feel like yourself-“
Wynn sighs, chewing at her lip. “It’s-“ she frowns, thinking “I love you. I love our family, Ev. I don’t regret this, not at all. Okay?”
Evie nods, bracing herself for the ‘but’.
“But yeah,” Wynn sighs, running a hang over her head. “I’m- I’m more stressed than I used to be, when it was just me.”
“Why?” Evie asks quietly. “Is it- how can I help?”
“I don’t know that you can,” Wynn admits softly.
Evie frowns, dropping her head.
“Ev, can you come here, please? And sit with me?”
Evie nods, chewing her lip as she crosses the kitchen to sit opposite Wynn on the sofa.
“Come here, baby,” she says, reaching forward to pull Evie back against her chest. She wraps her arms around her, tucking her face into the back of Evie's neck.
“I was on my own for a decade, love,” she says. “I didn’t have to worry about anyone but me. And I- I didn’t really care, to be honest. It didn’t matter if something happened to me, for the most part.”
Evie frowns, curling her arms over Wynn’s.
“I’m so, so grateful for our family,” Wynn says softly. “For you and Ana and Brom and Nate and Sara and Hendrich. But you have to understand, Ev,” she sighs. “It’s sort of terrifying. To have people to lose. It’s… it’s stressful, to be worried about so many of you when I’m only used to being not really worried about myself. I haven’t - I dunno. I guess my protective instinct has been buried for a long time and its back, now, with you all. And that’s… it’s hard. It’s scary. To care so much. It’s hard to let you all walk around out in the world when I know how… how bad it can be. It’s hard for me to not be terrified every time any of you are out of my sight, ‘cause I know what could happen. And for the first time, I- I have people to care about. And people I love. And I- I don’t know that I would survive if anything happened to any of you. I really don’t know that I would make it through that loss.”
Evie nods quietly. “So that’s why you-“
“Well, I prefer being around you all, to strangers. So that’s part of it. But it’s- yeah. In public I’m not as… reckless, with strangers. I’m much more wary of them. Anxious when they get close. To any of you.”
“Why? Not all strangers are-“
“The last few times I interacted with people outside this family, I was nearly killed by your ex, you nearly died giving birth, and then my father struck you while my mum tried to turn my footballers‘ parents against me,” she says flatly.
“Oh,” Evie says.
“Oh,” Wynn agrees, nodding.
“How anxious are you, lieverd?” Evie asks after a period of silence. “How hard is it for you, when we’re not all together at home?”
“Depends where you are and who it is. You and Ana- it’s panic inducing. The others, it’s not so bad. I don’t prefer it, but I can manage. You and Ana, though. Yeah. I sorta feel sick any time you’re not in my line of sight.”
Evie frowns. “Is that manageable, lief? Is that sustainable?”
Wynn shrugs. “I manage okay, I think.”
“How do you do at work?” Evie asks. “What about when Ana goes to school?”
Wynn tenses. “At work…okay. ‘Cause I know where you are. Ana at school- I might do poorly with that.”
Evie nods. “What do we do to help you?”
Wynn shrugs. “I dunno. I feel safe in our routines. In the places we normally go. It’s when it’s new that it’s hard.”
“And how hard does that make things for you? Like how bad is it?”
Wynn shrugs. “I’m good when we’re together,” she answers.
“Do you think that we could make things better for you at all? Easier?”
She shrugs again. “I dunno, Ev.”
“You know I had a lot of anxiety? After my family died?” Evie says carefully.
Wynn hums in acknowledgment.
“Hendrich and Sara convinced me to see a therapist, for a bit,” she says. “I hated it, but… I think it helped. At least a bit.”
Wynn sighs. “Ev-“
“I’m not saying you have to. I’m just saying that it might help. And I’m not trying to say that how you’re feeling changes anything for me. I love you just as much now as I did before. Even more, probably. I’m just- if there’s some way you’re struggling or unhappy, and we can make that better… I just want you to be the happiest you can be, you know?”
“I know,” Wynn sighs, pressing her lips to her shoulder. “I just- I dunno that I want to go relive everything with some stranger.”
“I hear you,” Evie says, leaning back against her. “But I hope you’ll think about it. And if you decide you want to do it but you want me to come with you, I will. Okay?”
“Okay,” Wynn murmurs. “I’ll think about it.”
Evie nods, sighing and closing her eyes. “Thank you. And just let me know when you decide, alright? I don’t want to nag you about it.”
“Okay,” Wynn nods again. “Thank you.”
Evie spins in her arms, holding Wynns face in both hands. “I love you, Wynn. So much.”
“Love you more.”
--
A week or so later, Wynn brings it up again.
“Ev,” she says. “I want to talk to you.”
Evie frowns a little in concern, but nods. “Okay,” she agrees, then starts shifting like she means to hop down off the island where she'd been perched while Wynn prepped their tea."
“No,” Wynn says, grabbing her hip. “Just… stay there, okay?”
Evie’s brow furrows again, but she agrees to that, too, if slightly more warily.
Wynn sighs, dropping her head so she’s looking at Evie’s knees, not her face. “I’m really scared,” she finally manages, her voice rasping in the silence that’s settled between them over the last few moments.
Evie places her hands on Wynn’s forearms. She knows better than to try to force her to look her in the eyes right now. “About what, love?” She asks, careful to keep her voice soft.
Wyn’s eyes flutter a few times and she bites her lip. “It's not just that I'm scared when you're around strangers. It's not just that."
Evie just waits.
"I'm scared that I’m going to ruin everything.”
“What are you worried you’ll ruin?” Evie asks.
Wynn swallows hard. “Everything. This, between us. Ana. My relationship with your parents.”
“How would any of that be ruined?”
She shrugs awkwardly. “I don’t know. I’m just…” she hesitates, chewing her lip. “Having– having nice things… good things… it scares me.”
Evie watches as Wynn reins in her emotions, fighting to keep her voice steady.
“I don’t know how to have things to lose, Ev. And I– I was only just getting used to it with you and your parents and Brom and Nate. And now, with Ana. Partly, I’m terrified because I know how badly I can fuck her up, Evie. I know how much a parent–” she closes her mouth, clenching her jaw. “And then just when I felt stable with you lot, all of a sudden, everything’s different and I don’t– I don’t know how to do this. How not to ruin this.”
Evie stays quiet for a minute. She reaches for Wynn’s hands hesitantly, then more confidently tangles their fingers when she doesn’t draw away.
“How can I help?”
Wynn shakes her head, swallowing loudly. “I don’t know.”
“Is there something happening that’s making you worried, or–”
“I don’t know. It’s just– every time anything happens, I panic. If Ana wants you instead of me, if feels like it’s because I’ve done something and she hates me. Or if you’re annoyed with me, I’m scared it’s the beginning of the end. And I feel like Sara and Hendrich are just watching me, waiting for me to fuck everything up. I don’t know why, it’s just… it’s so obvious to me that you’re a better mum and I feel like I’m shit by comparison and I’m already a fuckup compared to you–”
“Hey,” Evie interrupts. “That’s not true.”
“It sort of is, though, Ev. I’ve been to prison. I’m an addict. I barely graduated. You went to university and became the director of a library and an estate at twenty two. When I was that age, I had just gotten out of jail.”
“It’s not a competition, Wynn. And you went through a lot more as a kid than I did. It makes sense that you struggled.”
“I feel like it’s happening again. The struggle before the disaster happens.”
Evie’s brow furrows. “Are you having cravings again?”
“No. I don’t mean a drug disaster. I mean my life in general. It just feels like every time I stumble, everything falls apart.”
Evie tilts her head. “I’m not sure I understand why you feel that way, love.”
Wynn huffs. “Why would you? It’s not like I’ve been open and forthcoming with you,” she bites out, frustration filling her tone.
Evie reaches for her hand again, but Wynn snatches it away, shoving them in her pockets as she rocks on her feet and starts to pace. Her shoulders scrunch up by her ears, and she looks about five seconds from sprinting for the door.
“Wynn? What do you need right now? I’m not exactly sure how to help, and I don’t want to accidentally make things worse,” Evie says, sitting very still on the countertop.
“I don’t know,” Wynn says frantically, moving quicker across the floorboards now.
“Okay,” Evie says warily. “Well… it feels like maybe you’re wanting to tell me something, but you’re scared to. Maybe start by just getting that out.”
Wynn hesitates but finally nods, looking at her feet as she comes to a stop. “It’s just that my whole life, everything awful that happened started with a stumble. It just snowballed from there. I always got this feeling, like a… a gnawing sort of anxiousness,” she says tightly. “And whenever I get that feeling, it feels like everything’s about to fall apart.”
“And you have that feeling now?” Evie asks.
Wynn nods stiffly.
“Can you tell me when you’ve felt like that before?” Evie prompts.
“The day I got sent to camp. And the day my parents found my journal. The day I got kicked out. When I got in the fight that got me the pills. When I– the day I went to prison.”
Evie nods thoughtfully.
“It just… it always happens right before my life falls apart. And I’m having it now, so–”
“Have you ever had it outside of those times? When you felt this way and your life didn’t fall apart?” Evie asks carefully.
Wynn goes still, thinking. She’s silent for a long time. “Uhm. Yeah. I guess I have,” she finally admits.
“When was that?” Evie asks.
“The day I almost relapsed. And when Ana was born, when you were bleeding. And when I found Brom, at training.”
Evie nods. “Do you think that’s how you feel when you’re scared, Wynn?”
Wynn blinks. “What?”
“Do you think that’s maybe how you feel when you’re scared? All those times sound very frightening. Anxiety-provoking, at the very least. Overwhelming. Some of them ended badly, some didn’t. But all of them would have me feeling very stressed,” she says.
“I mean… maybe. But what do I do about that?” She asks.
Evie offers her a sad smile. “That’s the hard part, love. You’ve got to figure out what it is you’re afraid of, or anxious about, and process that.”
“I’m scared I’m going to lose all of you. That none of you will want me around anymore,” Wynn whispers.
Evie nods. “Okay. Why are you worried about that?”
Wynn huffs.
“Sorry, I mean– is that just something that scares you, or is there a particular reason you think that might happen? Do you think it might happen? Realistically?”
Wynn shrugs. “I don’t see how it couldn't.”
“What do you mean?”
She huffs again, a sharp, irritated sound. “Why would any of you want me around? You’re all better people than me, and better than me at pretty much everything. Why wouldn’t you want to keep burdening yourself by taking care of me when you could find someone else that would actually contribute?”
Evie furrows her brow, regarding Wynn carefully. “Why do you talk about yourself like that? You seem to think you’re useless. Why?”
“Becuase I am, Evie! Give Ana five years and she’ll probably be more use to you than I am!”
“What do you mean ‘use’?”
“She’ll be able to read better than me in five years, Ev. A pre-schooler will be smarter than me.”
Evie shakes her head. “Your dyslexia doesn’t have anything to do with how smart you are. And it doesn’t make you useless.”
“I’m functionally illiterate, Ev. Do you realize that?” She bites out.
Evie blinks. “Wynn… how much can you read? And write?”
Wynn goes rigid, looking at her warily.
“I know it’s hard for you,” she says gently. “But the way you’ve talked about it before, I thought it was just a lot of effort. Too much to be worth the hassle, except in very specific circumstances.”
“I’ve called myself illiterate before,” Wynn says tightly.
Evie nods. “I know. I just thought you were being… harsh, at the time. How much can you read and write, Wynn?”
She shrugs, shoulders tense. “Not a lot.”
“How much, Wynn?” Evie repeats patiently.
“I don’t know. I don’t write anything besides my name and signature. And grades.”
“And reading?”
“I don’t do that.”
“You can read rosters, though. For football and school,” she says confidently.
Wynn hesitates, eyes shifting towards the door.
“How do you know their names?” Evie asks, floored.
“I don’t,” Wynn mutters. “I make them tell me the first day. I’m just really good at remembering them.”
Evie blinks. “But with the grade book–”
“I use the first letters,” Wynn grits out. “Of their first and surnames.”
“What if someone has the same initials?” Evie asks.
“Usually can tell by the length of the word,” she mumbles.
“What if that’s similar, too?”
“Then I show it to Will and he marks one of them with a symbol, and I know which kid it’s for.”
Evie looks at her. Really stares at her for a minute, then rifles around in her bag and pulls out a card. She hands it to Wynn. “What does this say, baby?”
Wynn goes rigid. “Can we not–”
“Just try. Please,” Evie asks softly.
Wynn stays stiff but looks at it with a scowl for a moment. “Don’t know,” she mumbles.
“Come on, Wynn. Just try.”
“I don’t know, Evie,” she snaps. “I know that’s a name but it doesn’t look familiar to me, so I can’t guess. I know there’s a phone number, but I can’t tell you what it is with any sort of confidence, because the numbers keep switching around. I’m guessing this bit is an address, since there’s a number and then several words, and I know this is a contact card. But I don’t know who it’s for or what it says. Besides ‘call’. I recognize that,” she says bitterly.
Evie stares silently, suddenly becoming aware how difficult it must be for Wynn to just… exist.
“Whose is it?” Wynn asks testily, pushing it away from her on the counter. “Whose card is that?”
Evie swallows.
“Genevieve,” Wynn snaps. “Whose card is that?”
She hesitates. “It’s mine,” she murmurs.
Wynn scoffs. “Brilliant. Can’t read my own wife’s name,” she says bitterly. “Does that make you feel better? That I can’t even recognize your name? Does that make you feel like I’m useful?”
Evie sighs. “Wynn–”
“No, Evie! I– god! Of course I’m fucking scared that you’re going to leave me! I’m useless on my own! I can’t read anything!”
Evie takes another deep breath. “Lieverd. I don’t need you to be able to read,” she says gently. "Is this why- is this where all the fear about being useless is coming from? Because you can't read?"
“I should be able to read! I’m a grown adult!”
“Baby… was it this bad? When you were a kid?” Evie asks carefully.
Wynn grits her teeth. “Does it matter?”
Evie just waits, looking at her patiently.
“Fine. No. Not this bad. It was hard, and took a lot of effort, but I could read and write decently well. A level or two below my year, probably.”
“What happened?” Evie asks.
Wynn flinches. “I don’t know.”
“I think you do,” Evie counters.
“I dunno, Ev,” she says tightly. “I got kicked out and I was so worried about everything else that I stopped trying. And then I killed off that part of my brain with pills. And then I killed it even more by being homeless and high on dope for a year, and then I went to prison and it was a bit of a lost cause after that.”
Evie winces. “Do you really think that part of your brain is dead? Or just… unused?”
Wynn scoffs again. “I’d say it’s probably pretty well dead if I can’t read your name.”
Evie frowns and gets up, rifling around in a drawer, pulling out a paper and pen.
“Ev–”
“Just humor me, please,” she says, scribbling a few things down on the page.
“I don’t want to.”
“Please?” Evie asks. “I’m curious about something.”
Wynn wants to say no, but Evie turns her pleading look on her, and she relents immediately. “Fine,” she huffs, and comes to peer over Evie’s shoulder, standing stiffly at her side with her arms crossed.
“What’s this word?” Evie asks, tapping it with her pen.
“Dunno,” Wynn mumbles.
Evie sighs. “Come on, lieverd. Just try for me, please.”
Wynn groans but she steps forward and looks at it again. She squints for a minute, then reaches for the paper and brings it closer, sliding her index finger along beneath the letters. “That’s my name.” she says.
Evie nods. “And this one?” She asks, tapping the one below it.
Wynn repeats her steps, pointing at each letter individually before she pushes it back towards Evie. “My name. Full name this time,” she says sharply. “But you spelled it wrong.”
Evie blinks. “What?”
“There’s only one ‘N’,” she says, tapping the double letters. “This is too many lumps.”
Evie takes the paper and pen back and writes Wynn’s name out again, scribbling Winifred quickly next to her erroneous Winnifred.
Wynn squints at it, then nods. “Yeah. That’s it.”
Evie points to another word. “What about this?”
Wynn squints, sliding her finger along under it a few times. She blinks, face scrunching up, then huffs. “I don’t know. Write it again, but don’t let any of the letters touch this time. And let me watch you,” she directs, then peers over Evie’s shoulder as she prints each letter. Right as she finishes, Wynn speaks.
“That’s your name. Genevieve,” she says.
Evie glances up at her, blinking.
Wynn looks back sharply. “What? Am I wrong?” She demands.
“No,” Evie says carefully. “I’m just a little surprised, since you couldn’t read it on the card–”
Wynn huffs. “That print was small. And I had no context. And it’s easier if I watch you write it, ‘cause I only see one letter at a time, instead of all of them swirling together. I can remember the order.”
Evie blinks. She writes another word, then looks up at Wynn questioningly, who’s frowning at the paper.
“How the hell do you say that?” She asks, scowling.
“Spell it for me, lieverd,” Evie requests.
“S-C-H-U-Y-L-E-R,” Wynn rattles off.
“You can read that?” Evie asks, surprised.
Wynn glares a bit. “Not really. I saw it as you wrote it. Looking at it now… it’s really scrambled. It looks like…” she squints, focusing. “I dunno. S-C-Y-H-U-E-L-R?”
“What do you think that says?” Evie asks.
“I don’t know, Ev,” Wynn huffs. “I don’t recognize that word. And now I don’t remember the letters in the order you wrote them because I said them all scrambled. But I couldn’t even sound it out, when I did have the order,” she says bitterly.
Evie nods, then puts the pen to the paper, glancing at Wynn to make sure she’s watching. She writes out a particularly long word, then looks up at her. Wynn’s lips move and she scowls.
“Dunno,” she finally says. “It got too long. I forgot how it started and now it’s scrambled again.”
Evie nods to herself, then uses her hand to cover the word and reveal one letter at a time, sliding her hand across the letters until it’s all visible to Wynn.
“Do it again,” Wynn demands, her lips shifting with each letter Evie shows.
“Netherlands?” Wynn guesses.
Evie grins. “Baby! You’re not illiterate!”
“Basically am,” Wynn grumbles.
“I mean, you’re definitely dyslexic,” Evie concedes. “But you’re pretty decent at it when you go letter by letter. That’s a complicated word!”
“Still don’t know what that one says,” Wynn grumbles, pointing to the one before.
“Oh,” Evie says dismissively. “Well, that’s Dutch, so it hardly counts.”
“What’s it say?” Wynn asks, frowning.
“Schuyler,” Evie says easily. “Our surname."
Wynn flushes beet red, looking away.
"What? What are you embarrassed about?"
"I didn't think that's how it was spelled," Wynn mumbles.
"How did you think? Like this?" She asks, writing out S-K-Y-L-A-R on the page, then tapping it.
Wynn nods awkwardly. "I guess. Sounds like that, at least," she murmurs again.
Evie laughs softly. "Well... good thing I filled out your name change paperwork, then, isn't it?"
Wynn frowns sharply. "It's not funny, Evie. I can't read what is soon-to-be my own last name! That's not funny!"
“No,” Evie chuckles. “No, it’s not. But Wynn – baby, I think you’re just out of practice! I don’t think your reading is as bad as you think.”
“Okay, but this is one word on a page and I’m watching you write it,” Wynn argues. “That’s not exactly reading.”
“No, but… baby steps!” She says encouragingly. “I really think if you practice, it won’t be so hard. And it’ll get easier, over time.”
“Evie…”
“Let’s just try. We’ll get baby books from the library. And you can read to Ana. That way you practice but it’s not silly to read the easier ones. And if you hate it, we’ll stop. But I really do think it’ll help, if you stop avoiding it completely.”
“Why do you want me to be able to read so bad?” Wynn asks defensively.
Evie shakes her head. “I don’t. But you just told me you feel useless because you can’t read. And that makes you worried I’ll leave you. Which I absolutely won’t, by the way. But I figure if you feel a bit… less ‘illiterate’, as you put it… maybe you won’t feel that way so much.”
Wynn stares for a minute.
"Right?" Evie prompts.
"Uhm... I don't know," Wynn says after a moment.
Evie tilts her head. "Well, what else has you worried I'm going to leave you?"
Wynn frowns, studying the floor.
"Lieverd?" Evie prompts after several minutes of silence during which Wynn doesn't look up once.
Wynn frowns. "I- I don't really know. I'm- it's mostly that, I think. Before it was with my leg and everything, but that's better," she says.
Evie nods. "Mhm. Is there... is there something else you think you... lack?"
Wynn's brow furrows. "I-" she blinks, seemingly extremely confused. "I can't think of anything."
Evie squints. "Why do you look so... shocked?"
"Because, Ev!" Wynn squawks. "I have about the worst self-esteem on the planet! I used to worry about you leaving me because of my family or the drugs or jail or because I can't read or because of my leg or-" she cuts off, frowning. "But those things... they're either not a problem anymore or you already know-"
"To be fair," Evie hesitates. "I knew about the reading, too-"
Wynn shakes her head. "You said it yourself! You didn't know it was this bad!"
Evie tilts her head curiously. "So this fear about losing me... it's because you consider yourself illiterate? And you didn't want me to know?"
"I don't know," she says slowly. "I don't know but I do know I feel better about it now..."
Evie laughs. "Okay, well... let's start by reading some, then. Maybe it'll just... go away."