Afraid
“Ev? Could I talk to you?”
“Of course,” Evie nods, struggling to pull herself upright where she's lounging on the sofa.
Wynn looks nervous, so Evie waves a hand at her. “Come here. Sit behind me,” she says, staying upright until Wynn settles herself on the sofa, then lays back against her chest. She pulls on Wynn's hands, wrapping them to rest on her belly, which is less of a bump and more of a mountain, then traces her fingers along the backs of her hands. “What's wrong, lieverd?”
Wynn sighs nervously. “I’m scared. The closer we get… I’m scared I’m going to fuck them up. I’m scared I’ll be a bad mum.”
“Why are you scared of that?”
“Because I feel like I’m messed up. Like as a person. And with my family… and then everything that happened after. What if I can't take care of them the way I’m meant to? What if I don’t know how?”
“What else?” Evie asks, knowing that's not it. Seeing her parents had upset Wynn, sure. But it was weeks ago, at this point, and she hadn't seemed that bothered, once they'd left the party.
“You’re going to get meds," Wynn admits. "After the birth. I’m… I’m terrified I’ll do something.”
Evie hums, a sound of recognition. “And that's what has you worried?”
“It's - it’ll be the first big test and... what if with the sleep deprivation and everything I’m overwhelmed and I slip up? What if I started that again and then I-”
“Alright,” Evie interrupts. “We’re not going to spiral into all that, okay? Let's think about it. Yes, I probably will have medicine. It will probably have been tempting for you. What do we do to help you with that?”
“I can't have access to it,” Wynn whispers. “But you’ll need it in the house, and I don’t know how you’ll hide it from me…”
“What if we leave it with Sara and Hendrich?”
“But then you won’t have it when you need it," Wynn frets.
“They’ll be over all the time, I’m sure. And it's a ten minute walk," Evie shrugs.
“But if you need some and they're not home- you can't send me to go get it. And you’ll be in pain-”
“Okay… what was it that stopped you before? That you thought I would notice, right?”
Wynn nods. “But you’ll be so delirious from the baby… I don’t know that you’d be able to tell. And I don’t want you to worry about that with everything-”
“What if we only have like… two or three pills in the house at any one time? That way, it’ll be obvious if one is missing.”
“But that won’t stop me-”
“No, but I think it would give you pause. Part of giving into taking it is that you think you could get away with it, right? What if we take that bit away? That if you take it, there’s no way I won’t know. Or Sara and Hendrich, they could keep count as well, when they come over. That way it's like all of us keeping an eye out.”
“But what if I take them?”
“Do you want to?” Evie asks.
“No. But what if I have a weak moment-”
“Lieverd - when we had our fight, and you ran - did you want them then? Did you go looking then?”
“No. I was just upset. Needed to get away.”
“Right. So when was the last time you thought about them? The drugs?”
Wynn winces at the word. “I don’t know. After my operation, I suppose.”
“That was ages ago, Wynn,” Evie reasons.
“I know but we’re always going to have to be careful about it. I think it's always going to be there-”
“Sure,” Evie agrees. “But I’m not sure we need to treat you like you’ll take any random thing you find lying around. It’ll probably be at least a little tempting, yes. And it’ll be harder since you'll hypothetically have access. But I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you’re expecting. And if it is, we adjust our plan, okay? But to begin with, we can have Sara in charge of the pills. She won’t let you do anything. And she’ll notice straight away if you even try anything.”
“Okay,” Wynn mumbles. “I’m sorry-”
“Don’t apologize to me for having an illness, liefje. I don’t apologize to you for mine. I don’t apologize to you for being pregnant!”
“Yes you do,” Wynn argues.
“Fine. I do. But neither of us should.”
–
Evie has her own meltdown a few weeks before her due date.
Wynn gets a call from Hendrich in the middle of the day, which thoroughly terrifies her when she sees his missed call during her free period.
“Hendrich? Is everything okay? Is Evie alright? The baby? Sara?” She rattles off.
“Everything's fine,” he says calmly. “Everyone's just fine. But Evie's a little upset.”
“Why? What about?”
“Uhm…" he says awkwardly. "Why don’t I put her on? She’ll be able to explain it better than me.”
“Okay….” she says, waiting as he hands the phone off. “Ev? Love? You okay?”
Evie sniffles. “Wynn?”
“Yeah, sweetheart. What's wrong? What are you crying for?”
“How are we going to explain to the baby where they came from?” Evie sobs.
“What?”
“How do we tell a baby that they have two mums? What about when they learn about mums and dads in school and they ask where their dad is? What do we say? Do we tell them about Brom? But he’s their uncle, and you’re their dad, basically, and-”
Wynn covers her mouth in an effort not to snort loudly into the phone. “Sweetheart, what has you stressed about this right now?”
“I’m organizing the nursery and I was flipping through the books and all of them mention dads! But our baby won’t have one! And what are they going to call us? Are we both mum? That's going to be confusing! How will we know which person they want? What if they want you and I’m the only one there- they’ll hate me because they won’t be able to tell me they want you, and then they’ll never speak to me again-”
“Whoa, okay. Ev - that isn't going to happen, baby.”
“And I hate the nursery! I don’t like the paint we picked! I know I said it was nice at the time but I’m looking at it now and I think it makes me look pale and the baby is going to think I’m a ghost and it's going to scare them and then-
“Genevieve,” Wynn says in her most soothing tone. “Love, if you hate the color, we’ll repaint it. It's fine.”
“But then I made you get this paint color for nothing! And you’ll resent me for changing my mind-”
“No, not going to resent you, love. If you want to repaint it, we’ll repaint it. I’ll repaint it a hundred times, if you want.”
“We also don’t have a name! What are we going to call them? We can't say 'them'! Or 'it'! Or just ‘the baby’! They’ve got to have a name!”
“We’re going to come up with options, Ev, remember? We’ll have options and we’ll pick after we know if they're a boy or a girl, when they're born!”
“Well what if we hate all the options?” Evie sobs.
“Then we come up with something else.”
“But then they won’t have a name and they’ll feel unwanted!”
“Fief, darling - they’ll be a newborn. They won’t know the difference, and we’ll probably call them cute little pet names anyway.”
“What if they got lonely in their room, Wynn?” She cries, switching topics completely.
“They're going to sleep in with us in the bassinet for the first few months, remember? Until they sleep through the night," Wynn answers patiently.
“But what if you hate me because they cry and wake you up?!”
“My love - I can promise you, I am well aware that we will be woken up constantly. I won’t hate you.”
“But - Wynn, how will- Hendrich, go away, this isn’t for you!" Evie shouts, sniffling miserably. Then she comes back, whispering furiously into the speaker. "Wynn - How will we have sex?”
Wynn laughs loudly. “Oh dear. We won’t, for the first few weeks. But after that, I’m sure we’ll find a way.”
“But we barely have sex now!”
“Okay, well, that's because you told me it was uncomfortable," Wynn says easily.
“It was! But now all I want is you and you won’t touch me!”
“I wasn’t aware things had changed! I’m more than happy to touch you, if you’d like.”
“No, I only want you to do it if you want to do it!” Evie cries.
“I do! I always want to. I was trying to be respectful!”
“Well don’t,” Evie sobs. “I don’t want you to be respectful!”
Wynn laughs again quietly. “Okay, love. I won’t be respectful, then.”
“You’re making fun of me!”
Wynn sighs. “Ev - remember how we talked about? The baby makes you a little… unreasonable sometimes? Do you think that's maybe part of what's happening?”
“No!”
“Okay…" Wynn says slowly. "How can I help right then, Fief? What do you need?”
“I need you to love me!”
“I do, Genevieve. More than anything.”
“You don’t! Not like you used to!”
“What, like just with sex? Or was there something else?”
“The sex! You don’t touch me anymore, hardly!”
“Baby, we just talked about this- I thought you didn’t want me to!”
“But I do!”
“Okay! I hear you! But I’m at work right now-”
“I hate your work!” Evie sobs. “And you have training today and you won’t have been home for ages and I have to do all of this by myself!”
“Why don’t you wait and we’ll go through it when I get home?”
“Because when you got home you’ll be tired!” She cries.
“I’ll be able to help you, love. I promise.”
“I need to do it now!"
“Sweetheart, I’m not sure how to help you right now," Wynn admits. She's a bit out of ideas, honestly.
“You can't! You can't because there's a papaya that’s taken control of my body and it’s making me insane!”
Wynn giggles quietly. “I know, baby.”
“My head hurts,” Evie sniffles.
“Why don’t you have a nap, love?”
“Because! I only want a nap with you!”
“I bet Hendrich would read to you in Dutch, if you wanted. And you could have a little nap on him.”
“...yeah. That sounds nice,” Evie sighs, sniffling.
“Okay, baby. You go do that, okay? And when I get home in a few hours, we’ll take care of the nursery together.”
“Okay.”
“Okay,” she repeats. “I love you, Evie.”
“Love you too. Sorry I’m a crazy person," she mumbles.
“That's alright,” Wynn laughs. “I blame the baby-"
Evie gasps, horrified.
"I'm joking, love! Joking!" Wynn rushes to explain.
“Right," she hiccups. "Sorry.”
“Go on, Ev," Wynn chuckles. "Naptime. I'll see you later, okay?"