“I wish you were a girl”. Those words. Those terrible, terrible, words. Those words that were the reason why Regulus was fighting back tears, longing for the moment he could curl up in his bed and just cry. And James, his boyfriend of merely two months, had pronounced them with such sadness in his tone, and all while caressing his face, too. Regulus couldn’t move. He couldn't make a sound. He could only nod, because he, too, sometimes wishes he were a girl: everything would be so much easier.
But James didn’t know. James couldn't know, because Regulus couldn’t tell him. Regulus couldn’t tell him about how he had always felt wrong, never comfortable in his skin. He couldn’t tell him that when he came out to Sirius, at only 9, he hugged him and they cried, and cried, and cried. He couldn’t tell him that when he eventually told his parents at 11, because he just couldn’t go to Hogwarts and have teachers calling him “Mrs. Black”, the only reason they didn’t curse him to death was that by then they had realised Sirius was a lost cause, therefore they were in need of a male heir. He couldn’t tell him that sometimes looking at himself in the mirror and seeing that delicate face and that fucking waistline was painful, and he couldn’t tell him how he felt like dying every time James said those were his favourite parts of him. He couldn't tell him that, it would mean being a completely different person in James’ perspective. And Regulus would have none of that.
So, he kept parts of himself hidden, because really, what else was he supposed to do? And it was fine, most days. Until James pronounced those words.
“James” he finally whispered, so low the other boy couldn’t hear him.
“James” he repeated a little louder.
“James” and finally, he heard him.
“Yes, love?” James said, the previous sadness gone somewhere Regulus couldn’t reach, his thumb still moving gently across Regulus’ cheek.
“Please leave.” Regulus tried to keep his voice steady, but really, there was only so much he could do.
“What?” James retreated his hand as if he had been burned and looked at him with pure shock.
“I said, please leave, James” he repeated. He wasn’t sure how long he could go without crying his eyes out.
“Reg, love, what…? Everything was fine, I don’t— why? Have I done something wrong?” James was confused — everything was fine. Wasn’t it? He reached out to take Regulus’ hand, but the boy flinched. He fucking flinched.
“Just leave, James. Please. Go away.” Regulus whispered looking down at his own hand, as if he couldn’t believe, too, what had just happened. Muscle memory, he supposed.
And with that James left, looking devastated.
And now Regulus was in his room trying to not make his suffering so obvious to his friends and roommates. But of course Barty and Evan noticed. And of course they asked questions. And of course he didn’t want to tell them. And of fucking course he said things he knew would hurt. But of course they understood. They understood and they held him while tears fell down his cheeks. He never really told them what had happened, but when he murmured he wished the were a girl, they held him a little tighter and Regulus just knew they were forever.
He didn’t come down for breakfast the following day, he couldn’t even stomach the idea of eating. And it was the same for lunch, and dinner. And for the day after that. It was funny how easy it was to fall back into those kind of habits. On the third day of his fasting, his friends apparently had had enough, and Pandora fiscally escorted him to the Great Hall, where Dorcas, Barty, and Evan forced him to at least have something, as to not faint during the day.
He couldn’t stand to be in the crowded and loud place much longer, though, and he told his friends he was going back to the dorm. When he was almost halfway through the walk down the Slytherin dorms, he heard a voice behind him.
“Love?” James. Regulus should have waited for his friends because he really, really didn’t want to talk with his boyfriend at the moment — if he could still call him that, at this point.
But Regulus couldn't resist him, he never learned how, so he turned around, smiled (or at least tried) and said, “Yes, cheri?”
“Has something happened? I just— I haven’t seen you at meals — I haven’t really seen you at all, actually — since Friday and I don’t understand, because everything was fine. Everything was all right and then— have I done something to upset you?” James looked so tired, his eyes red and with circles so big and dark under them. He also looked so concerned and panicked in that moment, he was pulling at his hair and picking at the dead skin on his fingers, that Regulus felt a selfish little kid.
He wondered for a moment if he should just tell him. But no, that would just hurt James more, and he wasn’t used to pain — not in the same way as Regulus, anyway. He could bare with it. Yeah, he could. So he took a deep breath, checked if anyone was around, took his hand, and reassured him that everything was fine, he was just feeling a but ill. And if it hurt where James was stroking his finger, well, that was nobody’s business.
After that, everything went back to normal, James’ words forgotten. However, at every meeting in the astronomy tower, every sweet nickname, every letter, something inside Regulus hurt a little more. It probably was the terrible feeling of knowing that, whatever he did, Regulus could only be second to that part of him that was only his body, that part he tried to kill each and every day of his life. Some days, this was better to accept than others. But it was okay. Because Regulus knew that if he told James, he would only hurt the boy, and that was the worst thing he could ever do. So, Regulus kept quiet.
“I love you, Reggie” James murmured in his ear that night. They were in the tower, curled together to shelter from the cold, and Regulus was just telling his boyfriend about the story behind the star from which he took his name — no matter how many times James heard it, he always wanted to hear it another, saying it was his favourite.
Once those words left James’ moth, Regulus’ whole world stopped.
“You don’t need to say it back, love. I just needed you to know.” And oh, if only that were the problem. No, because Regulus loved James with his everything he had: his heart, his soul, his mind; maybe it wasn’t much, but it was something. But it was James who didn’t love him. He wasn’t what James wanted, he wasn't enough for him. James had said it months prior.
“James I— I’m not—” it was as if Regulus had suddenly lost all of his words.
“Hush darling, it’s alright” James whispered, and held him tighter.
And that was when something inside Regulus snapped, and he pushed James away. He could feel the tears coming. James had lied. He had settled for the second best. Because he still had feminine features, despite all the potions and the spells. Because he couldn’t have Lily Evans, so he had found himself someone else, someone he couldn't love as much, though. Because Regulus was not a girl. He couldn’t be, no matter how fucking hard he tried.
However, James looked wounded and so, so hurt in that moment, that Regulus just wanted to take it all back. But no, he told himself. He won’t retreat, not now that it was on the table.
He took a deep breath. And then, “James.” In. Out. “James, you I’m not—” In. Out. “I’m not a girl.”
“I know, Reg” James nodded tentatively, not understanding where the discussion was going.
“No, James, you need to understand. I’m not a girl.” Regulus repeated.
“Reg, I know. You’re a boy.” James said very slowly, as if he was speaking to a madman.
“Yes, James, I know. I’m not a girl. I’ve tried, but that just wasn’t me.”
James still looked confused. He really was as thick as they get.
“I’m trans, James. I wasn’t born like this. I need you to understand this before you tell me you love me. I’m not a girl.” Regulus felt like he was about to collapse, pronouncing those few sentences drained him from whatever energy he had left.
“Oh, ok, Reg. That doesn’t change any— oh. Fuck.” James interrupted his own sentence, and looked at Regulus with pure horror in his eyes. And Regulus, who with time had learned everything about James, saw the exact moment James recalled his words of a few months prior, understanding the meaning behind what Regulus was trying to tell him.
And there it was. Disgust. Fear. Sadness. Everything Regulus had feared came true right before his eyes. Regulus knew what was coming: James would politely apologise, tell him that he understood, but that maybe they should start seeing other people. And Regulus would be left in the darkness of the astronomy tower, the place’s magic gone, and he would spend the rest of his life regretting ever saying anything — though he knew, logically, it wasn’t something he could have kept to himself for much longer.
“I’m just so— shit, Reg — Regulus — I can’t even begin to explain how sorry I am.” Regulus didn’t listen much after that, he only wished James would end it quickly.
“James please stop.” He was tired of the endless apologies, he just wanted to be left alone with his suffering. He expressed just that.
“What? No, Regulus, listen. Please. I’d understand if you wanted to break-up, I would. But to think that I would because you weren’t born with the body of a boy? Absolutely not. Yeah, that’s not happening.” Regulus opened his mouth, likely to protest, but James was quick to shut him down, “Don’t you dare. You need to listen to me now. Yes, I wished you were a girl. I still do, sometimes. Because I just want to hold your hand in the corridors, and I want to kiss you in front of anyone who hits on you, and I want to leave marks that everyone can see, and I want everyone to know those marks are mine. But I can’t, and though I understand why we can’t, that does’t mean I don’t long for those dreams to come true. Everything would be easier if one of us were a girl. But I love you nonetheless — I do, Regulus —, because I didn’t choose to love you for easy. I didn’t choose to love you for simple. And I don’t even understand the amount of love I have for you; it’s just so big that sometimes I think it could eat me whole. But I love you, Regulus. And that is regardless of your gender, or what body you were born with. Please, love, you need to understand just how much I love you and how sorry I am for whatever went through that pretty mind of yours after my awful words.”
Regulus was still for a few moments. He felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore, but could you blame him? What is there to say after that? So, he didn’t mutter a single word. He didn’t make a single sound. He just hugged his boyfriend tight, and for the first time in months, the touch didn’t hurt.
That night they both cried. And just like that, while James was sniffling in the crook of his neck while Regulus wetted his shirt, he knew everything would have been fine. They had a lot of difficult conversations ahead of them, they would need to talk their wishes through and they would have to compromise a lot. But Regulus knew he loved the other boy so much he couldn’t even put it into words; truly, he didn’t even know what to do with it.