Hate or Love?
What the fuck. That is all that’s been running through Sirius’s mind for the last three hours. Remus finally watched his show then immediately wrote what seems to be a very targeted song at Sirius, and then disappears right afterwards!
He’s thankful James isn’t going to be able to attend any shows until they wrap the movie he’s currently starring in because he knows that he’d force Sirius to confront why this bothers him so much and that is something he has tried to avoid doing for the last five years.
Flashback - five years ago
“REMUS!” Sirius yells while running straight towards the boy.
Remus looks up from his book, startled, before his face breaks into a grin. “SIRIUS!” He yells back and throws his book to the ground only a second before Sirius crashes into his lap.
“I did it!” Sirius says beaming.
A confused look takes over Remus’s face “Did what?”
“I signed a contract with eclipse records!”
It takes a second for it to process in Remus’s head before it finally clicks. “YOU SIGNED A RECORD DEAL!”
Sirius laughs, loud and happy, “YES, I DID IT!” He rolls out of his boyfriend’s lap and onto the floor next to him. Remus immediately launches into questions about what was in the contract and what amendments he made to it before stopping when he notices an odd look pass over Sirius’s face.
“What’s wrong?”
“They didn’t let me make an important amendment.” Sirius says, all of the energy that was there a minute ago suddenly gone.
“What was the amendment about?” Remus asks cautiously, hoping that it isn’t what he thinks it is.
“They won’t let me come out.” Remus’s heart cracks and shatters.
“What.” He asks in a small voice.
Sirius gets off the floor and begins to pace back and forth “I was so caught up in it all that I didn’t even process them telling me that I can’t come out as a bad thing.”
Remus scrambles off the floor and takes Sirius’s face in his hands. “Hey it’ll all work out ok. We can just hide our relationship for a little bit longer, everyone is going to love your music so when your contract with them expires record labels will be grabbing at the opportunity to have you as their client.”
Tears start streaming down Sirius’s face “Remus my contract doesn’t expire for seven years. I’ve made you stay in the closet for too long already, I can’t force another seven years on you.”
Remus didn’t know it was possible for his heart to break even further until that exact moment. “What? No! I don’t care if I can never come out as long as I can be with you.” He’s lying to himself and he knows it. He wants nothing more than to love out in the open but if he has to choose between loving in the dark with Sirius or loving out in the open with someone else he’d take the dark.
Sirius shakes his head “No, you’ll grow to resent me and I wouldn’t be able to blame you, not one bit. They are moving me out to LA and I won’t let you uproot your life to move across the entire country just to have to pretend we aren’t together.”
“So what, is this how we end?” Remus croaks out with tears of his own filling his eyes.
“I’m afraid so. It’s best if we don’t contact each other either, make it easier on us both.” Sirius avoids looking in his eyes and all Remus wants to do is scream at him to look at him, look at how this is hurting him.
Sirius doesn’t look at him as he walks out and Remus can hardly blame him. When Sirius’s album came out a month later he listens to it once with Regulus and Lily by his side to hold him while he listened to Sirius sing about their love which he’d ended just weeks before.
Return to present
Sirius had never been happy about how things ended, even though they were his fault. Remus hadn’t wanted to end things he’d been willing to try and make them work but Sirius wouldn’t have been able to stand watching Remus begin to resent him and hate him just so Sirius could live out his dreams of being a rockstar.
Over time Sirius began to resent the fact that Remus didn’t fight harder and that resent and anger turned into his second album. He knew that he didn’t have the right to be upset because he was the one who ended them but at the time he didn’t care because he was angry at himself and took it out at Remus through his lyrics.
By the time he was writing his third album he was able to keep Remus out of his mind more often than not except for lonely nights when he was the only thing running through his head.
But now Remus is back in his life along with all of those feelings he’s been trying to ignore for years. This time though, he won’t wait years to talk to him. No he’s confronting him tonight and getting some answers about how Remus feels because it might just kill Sirius to go on any longer not knowing if he has a chance to fix things.
As soon as he is dropped off at the hotel he goes directly to Remus’s room and bangs on the door until it flies open.
“Who the fuck is banging on my door- Oh, Sirius, what are you doing here?” Remus asks, reaction changing from annoyed to confused and awkward when he realizes who it is.
Sirius pushes past him, into the room “We need to talk.” He turns and faces Remus who is still standing in the door way. When they lock eyes he seems to come back to himself and closes the door before walking over to Sirius.
“About what?” He asks in faux confusion. Sirius has to hold back an eye roll.
“I think you know what. Why did you write a brand new song clearly about me after watching my set for the first time, debut it while opening for my concert, then not even have the decency to stay and watch my show!?!” Sirius gets progressively more annoyed and walks closer and closer to Remus before he corners him against a wall.
Remus swallows before speaking “Look I was just inspired and wrote a song it really isn’t a big deal.”
Not a big deal? What the fuck is he on because that doesn’t seem like a small thing to Sirius. No that seems like a very big thing and he is done with his bullshit of dancing around the topic.
“NOT A BIG DEAL!?! What about that wasn’t a big deal! You called me your other half, you said you still dream of me! And I’m just supposed to think that means nothing! I mean the man I’ve been in love with since I was a teenager writes a song that might prove that he feels the same way about me as I do him and you want me to just continue living my life?!?” He gets very caught up in the heat of the moment that his words get away from him at the end but he’s so angry that he doesn’t notice his slip up. But Remus does.
Remus is pushed against a wall in apparent shock, his mouth hanging open and his eyes just as wide. He opens and closes his mouth seemingly trying to get words out but nothing comes out. Sirius stares at him waiting for him to respond to his emotional outburst, to scream, cry, or give him an explanation. That’s why when he finally did get the words out he was more than a bit surprised.
“You’re still in love with me?” Is all Remus says and that’s when Sirius realized his mistake. He told him he still loves him and wants him back. Oh Jesus Christ this cannot actually be happening to him right now. While Sirius takes his turn of being in shock Remus fully comes back to himself and seems to have processed everything Sirius said. “Sirius, are you still in love with me?” He says this time with more conviction and steps impossibly closer and takes Sirius’s face in his hands forcing him to look in his eyes which really is unfair because Remus’s eyes have always been his weakness.
“Yes, I am.” He says quietly, his demeanor wildly different from five minutes ago.
“Are you sure?”
Sirius nods “Definitely. Your move.” Remus doesn’t waste a second longer and crashes his lips against Sirius’s. It feels like coming home, and when they fall into bed together that night Sirius is at peace for the first time in years.