1
Music blared from the speakers at full volume, people were moving around, dancing, walking and jumping up and down, the space was small and the lighting was low. But Sirius could see it, sitting from the couch he could see James dancing, the movement of his curly hair, the delicate wrinkle forming around his eyes, the vein marked on his neck as he sang at the top of his lungs. Sirius couldn't hear his own thoughts, but he could hear James' clear voice across the room.
The people around him were black and white, James is the golden sun, burning in the middle of the room. His smile- oh his smile. How could Sirius look at anything else when James Potter was in front of him smiling in that way that made his skin bristle?
James began to approach, in his hand a bottle that Sirius barely notices as James sets it down on the coffee table next to him. He stretches out a hand towards Sirius and says;
"Let's dance"
"Oh come on" Sirius complains.
"No, come on!" James insists taking his hand.
Sirius laughs, his eyes turn to half moons and he shakes his head.
"I don't want to dance, James"
James's expression drops, his smile fades and the boy cuts the distance even further by sitting down on the couch next to Sirius. His hand ends up on Sirius' leg, he tries to pretend it's not driving him crazy.
"What? Is something wrong?" James asks and despite the way he slurs his words because of how drunk he is, he seems genuinely concerned.
Sirius smiles and shakes his head.
"I'm fine, just the atmosphere is kind of... boring, I think I want to go home" He answers honestly.
Drunk James pouts, Sirius thinks it's ridiculous, Sirius thinks about kissing him.
"But I'm not boring, come have fun with me. Please, just one dance" James put his palms together as he continues to whisper "Please".
Sirius rolls his eyes, a smile appears on his lips and at that moment James knows that he has convinced him. James stands up and offers him his hand, Sirius takes James' hand and lets himself be led to where the other people are dancing.
He doesn't recognize the song, but James seems to know it or he is just too drunk.
James' hands on Sirius' hips led him to the rhythm of the song. Sirius wrapped his arms around his shoulders. At some point in the dance the music had faded, James kept smiling and dancing without taking his hands off Sirius. His hair was falling in different directions, his eyes met Sirius'.
They were kissing.
Sirius didn't know who had initiated the kiss - their lips are so soft. James pulls their bodies together, Sirius's hands slipping through his curls. The taste of alcohol on James' lips is the touch that brings him back to reality.
He breaks away, but doesn't say anything, just looks at James. I need to kiss him again, Sirius thinks and puts his lips together again.
Because he needs to, because kissing James Potter's lips is all he's wanted for a long time and there he was at his disposal. What he wanted most, to find out if James was as good a kisser as he seemed and the reality turned out to be much better than he could have imagined.
James circles his waist seeking more closeness, their chests meet and Sirius moans in the middle of the kiss, but doesn't stop. He can't, he doesn't want to. He wants to kiss his lips to exhaustion, he wants to devour him, to memorize every touch, to never forget how warm his lips are and the passion with which they kissed him.
"Oh my god, Sirius, James!"
Sirius felt a hand on his shoulder that pulled him away from James, Why would anyone do that? He looked bemused at Peter who was looking at them bewildered.
"You guys are putting on a show here" Peter speaks gesturing around.
Sirius wants to yell at him, wants to rip his head off, wants to hit him so hard- Sirius noticed that Peter was drunk too by the way he approached James by wrapping his arms around his shoulders.
"Let's get you some water, you're too drunk, mate."
James tried to wriggle out of Peter's grip but failed completely. He looked at Sirius with a smirk on one side before disappearing into the crowd.
Sirius stood there, a tingle on his lips. He couldn't help but laugh, biting his lip.
It was hard for Sirius to remember what had happened next, he took a few more drinks. He didn't know where James was, he wanted to find him and kiss him again, but he couldn't remember why he didn't look for him.
He tried to leave the house through the front door, but there were too many people in his way. So his drunken mind recommends him to use the window and so he does.
"Oh pretty James" Sirius whimpers climbing through the window.
The cold September breeze welcomes him outside. It's late, he doesn't know the time, but he knows it's late, because it had been a long time since he kissed James and he missed him too much.
Sirius walked through the backyard of the house until he reached the entrance, he looked around wondering what he should do next. He didn't want to go back to the house, the music was too loud and without James there, it was no fun. He couldn't go home either, although he would like to, but he's sober enough to know he's too drunk to go home alone.
"Sirius" James.
Arms wrapped around his waist and Sirius immediately relaxed, he didn't know he was so tense until he felt his muscles loosen and his serious expression turned into a grin. Sirius turned around to find James standing in front of him. So close he could feel his breath.
"Hi, where have you been?" Sirius asks as he brings his arms up to rest on James' shoulders.
"Looking for you" James replies without hesitation.
They both smile, neither of them making a move. They are just looking at each other smiling, Sirius is memorizing his face again, he thinks that he will never be able to admire it enough.
"Do you want to get out of here? My car is nearby."
When James suggests this, Sirius' first thought is that it's not a good idea, but he nods. The smile on James' face grows wider as he takes Sirius' hand and leads the way to the Rover. Sirius laughs as James opens the door to the car and climbs in.
His hands feel cold, he tries to warm them by holding them together as he waits patiently for James to get in the driver's seat.
"Do you think you can drive?" Sirius finally asks.
James thinks about it for a moment.
"I'm more sober than I was before, but-"
"We can stay here for a while," the boy suggests as he takes off his shoes.
James starts the car and turns up the heater, without another word, the music on the radio is on the lowest volume. Sirius puts his feet up on the seat and rests his back on it, a sigh leaves his lips and he closes his eyes.
"I like your kisses."
Sirius can't contain his laughter, he looks at James and he too has a smile on his lips.
"I mean it."
"I like your kisses too, James" Sirius confesses.
James' smile bigger this time.
"I'm glad to hear that" James whispers. Sirius' cheeks flush, he can't hold James' gaze any longer and a chuckle slips from his lips.
He's not sure what they're supposed to do now, of course Sirius all he wants is to get back to James' lips, but he wouldn't do something like that unless he knew that's also what James wants.
"Sirius"
He opens his eyes and looks to his side, James is reminded over the door, his gaze fixed on Sirius. He feels his skin bristle as he meets his gaze. Why did James have to look at him like that? that he doesn't know the effect it has? He probably doesn't and if he does, it's James, he would love to make Sirius- and anyone else- nervous.
"James" Sirius caresses his name on his lips, taking his time pronouncing it.
Something in James' gaze changes, he decides to move closer to Sirius, his hand caresses Sirius' hair, his jaw, his cheek, his lips. Sirius doesn't move, he lets him touch his face, his neck and hair. He can't help but wonder what it feels like to belong to James, to let himself go and surrender his body and soul to the burning sun. What's the worst that could happen? burned?
"Kiss-"
Sirius' words die on James' lips. Sirius laughs as soon as the kiss starts and James can't help but do the same, their lips meet, they kiss with passion, desire, it's like magic. James Potter is the best kiss of his life and he knew it, no matter if he kissed a thousand people in the future, no one would pull his hair the way James did, no one would bite his lip the way James does. No one would make her moan with pleasure with just one kiss the way James did.
Their hands reached up to James' chest, they try to stay as close as possible. The kiss doesn't stop, his hands roaming James' chest, and his hands in his hair won't stop either.
"Be my boyfriend."
James stopped the kiss to speak, but kissed him again before Sirius could even absorb what he had said. Sirius pushed James away, stopping the kiss.
"What?" The question was barely a whisper.
James smiled, oh it was that flirtatious, carefree smile.
"We'd make an amazing couple... You're so pretty, so so so pretty" James pushes Sirius hair away from his face, his gaze lost.
Sirius denies with a shake of his head.
"You're to drunk, you don't know what you're saying" He tries to laugh, but only an awkward sound comes out of his lips.
James looks at him silently, Sirius fails to decode what that look means.
"But I want to be your boyfriend, I want to be like this with you and kiss you a lot" At some point his words begin to sound like a sublique "Be my boyfriend Sirius, you and I can be so good together"
Sirius' heart races, beating so fast that it hurts in his chest. Maybe he'll die of a heart attack right there, which would be very convenient for that situation.
Sirius would like to play along, to say that yes, he would love to be his boyfriend too, but he cannot. Because it wouldn't be a game for him, it wouldn't be just a silly conversation between two horny drunks. He'd be a stupid drunk and a stupid in love and it's not fair. To either of them.
"No, James don't say things like that."
"Oh Sirius, please, please."
James sighs and rests his head on Sirius's shoulder.
"I really want to be your boyfriend, I can get down on one knee if you want" James whispers.
If there was one thing Sirius wasn't expecting from that party it was that it would end with James begging him to be his boyfriend. Sirius looks through the car window, brushing James' hair and remains silent. He wants to cry, cry because he finally has what he always wanted, but not in the way he meant it.
James doesn't want him to be his boyfriend, he wants to keep kissing him because he's drunk, but when the effect wears off things will go back to the way they were. Sirius can't and would never risk making their relationship awkward with his stupid feelings. No, James doesn't mean it, he knows that.
"Sirius, do you like me?" James looks up, Sirius doesn't look at him "I like you, do you like me?"
He does not answer. Sirius can't bring himself to say it, he wants to scream. He wants to tell him he hates him for putting him in that position, but drunk James doesn't really know what he's doing.
Somehow he felt he could kiss James now and continue their friendship as before, but feelings? Admitting that his heart was racing at the mere sight of him, that he hated knowing that when he wasn't there James would dance with someone else and seek refuge in other lips... he couldn't tell him, he just couldn't. Not when James smiled at him in the same way he smiled at the strangers in the room, he couldn't talk about feelings when he had seen James kiss those he considered his friends before. It's no different with Sirius.
"Can I at least kiss you again?"
Sirius wants to look at him, but he doesn't have the courage. In the end that's what it's all about, Sirius doesn't have the courage to confess his feelings, because he doesn't want to wake up the next day and realize that it was all a dream and he was the fool who believed the words of a drunk James. Sirius doesn't have the courage to look at him and find that carefree smile.
"Let's switch places, I'll drive to your place, okay?"
Sirius pulls his hands away from James and gets out of the car.
The drive to James' house is silent, for a moment he thought the boy was sleeping, but no, he was awake watching the road in silence. Silence is unusual for Sirius and James, but that was better than James begging him to be his boyfriend for what, an hour?
"Come on, I'll walk you inside."
Sirius gets out of the car and goes to the passenger side to help James, when he gets there the boy is already outside. James puts his arm around Sirius' shoulders and they walk to the front door of his house. Sirius tries to open the door, but misses with two keys, there are still two more to go. James grabs his hand, preventing him from continuing what he was doing. Sirius looks at him and there is only that unfamiliar gaze, that lovely gaze, that confuses him.
James takes Sirius' face in his hands and brings their foreheads together. Sirius closes his eyes, all he can hear is James' breathing next to his.
"Stay over tonight" James asks.
"I can't, I really can't."
"But you want to?"
Yes, of course I do, Sirius thinks. He'd like to spend all his nights beside James. With a sober James.
"I just wish you were sober."
Sirius feels James' lips on his, different than before, this time it's just a brush, delicate and slow. It ends soon.
"Good night."
James lets his face go and turns toward the door. Sirius stands there silently, not realizing that James had taken the keys from his hand until the boy opens the door. James crosses the threshold and closes the door without further ado.
"I did the right thing."
He tells himself, even though the right thing is hurting his soul at the moment, even though he knows that realizing he was right when he refused to play James' game will break his heart perhaps more than not being right would have. James didn't love him, that was just the reality he had to face.
Then he cries on the way home. Wasn't that pathetic? James saying what Sirius wished to hear, but not really feeling it. Sirius doesn't blame him, doesn't feel anger towards James for the things he said, because James has no idea. Although he resents Peter for pushing them away, he would have been able to kiss James a lot more if it weren't for that. Or maybe he should have thanked him, if he had stayed away from James he would have been left with only the memory of the kiss and his own full heart.
The shy tears become an ocean when Sirius finally gets home to his room. He cries himself to sleep remembering James' lips and the sweet words that hurt him.
All that will be in the past when they see each other again at school.