Lily doesn't want to be upset, she would like to rid herself of these thoughts. She should be having a good time, it's an incredible party to which she was invited. The previous years were so much fun, and something in her stomach churns at the idea that this one might not be. She can't let on that being here isn't wonderful if she wants to continue being invited. All her friends are here, everyone she knows, and if she opts out, there won't be anyone to spend Christmas with—well, there's her family, but it's preferable not to reach that point.
It happens to be the first Christmas that she and James aren't together. All the previous ones were so easy, from their time together in school. She remembers opening college acceptance letters in that same kitchen, with James's mother serving her some food to help her make a better decision. It was on that living room rug that she unwrapped a gold necklace from her boyfriend. She recalls the first time she met Euphemia and Fleamont and how nervous she was. She was invited because she promised that there would be nothing strange about it, that she and James were good friends, and, in the end, it wouldn't be anything too intimate. It wasn't like a private Christmas, it was more like an event.
It wasn't a lie. Lily didn't lie about them just being friends, and they did break up amicably. It really happened, and it's been over five months since the breakup. She has gone out with the boys several times and even been alone with James a few times, and it never affected her. She doesn't even think they should get back together; that's why being upset is so confusing.
Two months after they broke up, she saw James kissing Lou, and that was okay. She wasn't incredibly excited since they had been dating for four years, and Lily was still learning not to feel jealous. Yet, what she felt then doesn't compare to how she feels today, which is pathetic.
Regulus Black is the reason she's upset at Christmas, Sirius's little brother who lived in France all his life until two years ago when he finished his studies and decided to move to England to be with his brother and attend college. When they first met, she saw nothing offensive about the boy. He was a bit sarcastic and less smiley than Sirius, but other than that, he rarely joined their group, preferring to go on solo outings with his brother. Last Christmas, he didn't even join them; apparently, it wasn't his custom to celebrate, and he didn't think it was really important for him to be there. He ended up caught in the middle of a multi-day trip with his best friends. However, he promised he would stay for the next one, and that's what he's doing—enjoying the Potters' first Christmas. Except James is looking at him as if there's nothing more important in the world, and she has never been looked at that way.
When they broke up, she knew she would never love someone the way she loved James, and that's okay. It doesn't mean she won't love anyone else; it just means it will be different. She never thought James would love someone more than he loved her.
Being upset about this is pathetic, especially because she knows James and Regulus aren't together. She dated James long enough to know that if they were, everyone would know; he was never one to love in secret. She sees how he constantly has to restrain his hands from embarrassing him and touching Regulus.
The chances that Regulus is unaware of James's interest in him also seem very high. He's still laughing at what James says and entertaining him with conversation, but it all seems too fragile, too friendly to be flirtation. She knew the Black family well enough in her school days to know there's no doubt when they're interested. Maybe she's upset because James was a dear boyfriend, and she doesn't want him to get hurt. She tries to deceive herself, but she can't, not when everyone is treating Regulus as if he has already accepted a proposal that hasn't even been made.
It must be that. That's why she's upset—not only is James more in love than he has been in the past few years with her, but also, all these people have never treated her like this. Euphemia has always been nothing but kind to her, and the Potters seemed forbidden to treat anyone unkindly. Until today, Lily never thought their relationship lacked anything; it was always good and welcoming. But when she went to the kitchen earlier to ask if her help was needed, she saw Regulus mixing Naan dough, something she never got to do. She went to the kitchen just out of politeness, always assuming Euphemia was jealous of her recipes, and yet there was Sirius's brother involved in Indian recipes.
Okay, maybe James lights up in a way he never did before when Regulus looks at him. She can deal with that. It's just that Fleamont gifted Regulus with a crocheted sweater that looks really warm. He always gave her good presents, even expensive ones, but she understands their financial situation. Instead of going to a store and buying something anyone would like, he decided to work for four months to finish the crocheted piece on time. Maybe he did that because he adopted Sirius, and it's fair for his son's brother to receive such a gift. She could accept that, except Remus also has one, much older, that he got on his first Christmas when he started dating Sirius. The expensive painting set she got on her first Christmas pales in comparison to a crocheted sweater.
Sirius, Remus, and Peter always included her in their conversations and even kept her company in various moments. Remus would go to the library with her when they were in school and James and Sirius were in tennis practice, and Peter and she would share the best non-alcoholic drinks. Sirius would help her talk to all the girls she wanted to be friends with and never thought of anything good enough to approach. They were all nice to her. Regulus is Sirius's brother; it's normal for the treatment to be different, but does it have to be that different?
Of your whole group, Remus has always been the one who liked physical contact the least. She understood that, respected that, so why does Regulus have permission to be so close to him all the time, and most of the time, it's not even him initiating it, but Remus himself, wrapping his arms around Regulus's shoulders and pulling him closer, always with a smile on his face. I mean, he's his brother-in-law, isn't it a bit much? Lily is starting to fantasize, but last year they were also brothers-in-law, and this level of contact never happened before.
Peter has always been sweet to her, but he is playful with Regulus. When, at the end of the night, Regulus opens the present to see a small brooch with the inscription "Honorary Member Of The Marauders", she can't help but feel jealous.
She refuses to analyze Sirius and Regulus; they are brothers, it has nothing to do with James, until she sees that whenever James is around, Sirius clings more to his little brother, always pulling him away. Sirius laughs and sticks his tongue out at James while dragging Regulus away.
James's college friends were invited for the first time. She knows Frank and Alice, who were James and Sirius's seniors. They greet her with a bit less warmth than before. She knows she's not projecting, not when they smirk at James as soon as they lay eyes on Regulus, not when Alice seems particularly playful with Sirius every time James seems too close to Regulus. When Frank hugs Regulus in a way he avoided doing with her earlier and how Alice nudges her fingers into his ribs and then starts calling him Reggie, just like she was called Lyz.
Mary, her best friend of all time, approaches her with some Mille-Feuille for them to share. Lily can't do anything but accept that Euphemia provided some French cuisine for the party. Of course, she did; she's a sweet mother wanting to please her son's boy.
Regulus unwraps James's present, taking out a silver ring with small skulls, the eyes formed by the GG brand. It's a beautiful piece, and she can't envy that, having received her fair share of jewelry over their years together. Regulus is really a guy for rings, so soon the piece is being fitted onto his finger. Lily has chosen to torture herself, which is why she's paying much more attention to everything around her, observing through the window James and Regulus outside, and when a letter and another exchanged gift between them, this time neither of them seems eager to open it, and Lily almost feels embarrassed when she sees the shy smile they exchange. Regulus has a slight blush for the rest of the party, convincing everyone it's because of the time he spent outside, but every time James looks at him, he gets even redder.
Lily says goodbye to everyone and only hugs Mary. She wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and thanks them for the gifts. She smiles and promises to be back for New Year's. She takes a taxi and stays silent until she gets home. The lights inside are already off; it's a bit late, and her parents must be sleeping, and her sister is becoming less and less present now that she has a child. It's the first time in years that she realizes how early the festivities end at her house. Since she and James started dating, she has always been invited to spend the night there.
She lies on her bed still in her party clothes, too tired to change. She remembers lying full-bellied on her boyfriend's bed, her mouth aching from laughing so much. She should be woken up in the morning with hot chocolate and encouraged to wear Christmas pajamas, watch movies about Santa Claus, and finish eating the food from that night. Sirius would criticize someone's outfit, James would praise how the food is even better the next day, Peter would grumble for them to stop disrupting the movie, and Remus would be defending his cup of hot chocolate with his life. Now, thinking about those mornings, she also remembers not doing anything significant, nothing to be remembered, nothing but observing and accepting what was given to her. She wonders what Regulus will do in the morning.
On New Year's, when the countdown ends and the sky lights up with fireworks, she can't even be surprised when James's gentle hands tangle in Regulus's black curls and pull him close until their lips meet—nothing surprising, not even when Regulus's hands grip James's waist firmly, or when their kiss lasts long enough for Sirius to have finished with Remus and is busy shouting at James to let go of his little brother. Regulus doesn't separate from James, even when their kiss is interrupted, and James has a silly smile for the rest of the night.
Maybe, on the next holiday, she should spend it with her parents until she can return to have fun in the same place where James loves Regulus.