James’ Nightmares
In every universe, Regulus believes that he and James would always pick each other.
"Do you think that if we died tomorrow, we would remember each other in our next life?" James whispers as he lays in his and Regulus' bed, his head laying on his husband's chest.
There's an uncomfortable silence as the words make Regulus twitch. He knew something was wrong since dinner time. Usually James is always so interested and all smiley when Harry is telling them about his day at school. But today, James was mostly silent, as if something was bothering him.
"..The topic of death is what's bothering you?" The tone of Regulus's words are as if he hasn't processed the question or can even begin to imagine what James is truly thinking of.
"Not specifically.. I just," There's another silence as James turns his gaze away, shame filling his eyes.
The grip James has on Regulus' waist tightens a bit, digging his head further into his husband's chest, "It was stupid, I'm sorry."
But the noise of wet tears begins to fill Regulus' ears, and he's extensively tightening his own grip in a protective manner, "Jamie, it wasn't stupid."
The noises stop and James stills, hiding his face away. He feels a bit silly that he even asked the question. Saying it out loud made him only feel worse because he couldn't even fully focus on his son because of his stupid dream. No, nightmare. With the events that happened, James sees it as his worst nightmare coming to life again.
"Chéri," Regulus whispers as he leans down, pressing a kiss on James' forehead, "Do you want to talk about why you're thinking about this specific topic?"
The nighttime sounds fill the room as Regulus patiently waits for his husband to respond, concern and worrying plaguing his heart because James could allow this to continue to burden his mind, and Regulus would have to respect his decision of not wanting to talk about it.
"..Do you remember.. those dreams I told you about in therapy?" James finally says, his hands softly caressing Regulus' waist and back as a way to comfort himself with the presence of his loved one.
As a past decision, Regulus and James had began couples therapy in hope of being able to develop their communication and better understand how to help each other's problems and burdens. And, James honestly refused to see a stranger without Regulus being there as support.
During one of those sessions, James finally confided that he had these intense dreams and nightmares that felt so real it made him sick each time he had them. That day, Regulus felt his stomach drop that James could hide such a thing from him. At the time it only made him feel as if he somehow lost his trust.
But the emotion in James' eyes, the tears when he admitted it in front of the therapist, his eyes were begging for his husband not to hate him, that he didn't mean that keep it and he was just afraid.
James had admitted that he was having dreams/nightmares of different scenarios that consisted of him and Regulus. Ones where they were living a type of life together in a different world. And typically, James always saw Regulus die.
The most recent dreams, were based on a magic world. One where he and Regulus were wizards along with their family and friends. It was by far James' worst ones. In these, he and Regulus were barely close, they weren't even romantically involved but James knew he still had feelings for him in that world.
"Did you have another one last night..?" Regulus asks softly, pressing James closer if even possible.
James nods from his position, bringing a hand up to quickly wipe away some tears so that he didn't wet too much of Regulus' pajama shirt.
"It started like most of them do. I wake up, I eat, I go to class, I meet up with Lily." He takes a pause, breathing in and out as a way to calm himself down.
In their current world, Lily was a good friend of theirs who they met in high school. She was so important to them that she was actually their surrogate, the one to carry Harry to term, the one they titled as Harry's godmother if something were to happen to them. In the world that currently occupied James' dreams, he and Lily seemed to have been romantically involved.
"Lily and I were sitting in the common room, and she was telling me all about this movie that she wanted to see, a muggle movie she said when I got confused in the dream."
There's a beat of silence and Regulus reaches to hold onto James hand, lifting it as he presses a kiss to James' wrist, "You're doing well, mon amour."
He knows how saying French endearments melts James, he's hoping it works so that James can feel reassured. Thankfully, it does, and James is lifting up slightly to meet his husband's gaze. Tears are once more running down James' cheeks silently as saddened hazel eyes are staring into concerned and worried grey ones.
"There's a loud banging. And Sirius is entering the common room." He begins shaking, desperately tightening his grip on Regulus as a way to anchor himself.
"There's.. there's dry tears marks on h-his face. And he's clearly angry, clearly upset and in complete disbelief as he rushes past us both, slamming the door upstairs." Regulus has to move James' face to focus on him again as he had looked away, on the brink of breaking down.
"R-Remus is running in after," James continues, his voice wavering as his husband whispers encouragements, "And.."
He doesn't say anything after that, suddenly pushing his head down onto Regulus' chest again as a way to hide.
"Jamie-"
"He told us you died."
The shaking intensifies and Regulus has to remind James to take deep breaths, to remind him of reality, that Regulus is right here. Eventually, James calms down and there's a brief period of both of them comforting themselves by snuggling closer into the cuddle.
A couple minutes later, Regulus begins to think that maybe James had fallen asleep, that the emotional turmoil caused him such exhaustion. He frowns at the thought of it and how he hates seeing James in so much pain, cursing at the stupid dreams and whichever fucking deity decided to punish James this way.
"..If one of us were to die tomorrow.. I hope that it's me." James is whispering, his tone devoid of emotions, as if his heart has accepted this kind of fate and has chosen it specifically.
Regulus' eyes are widening in disbelief at James' words, wondering how he could ever say that.
"James, no, I-I wouldn't, that's not fair."
The shaking is subtle now but it starts up again. James is lifting up once more, accepting hazel eyes are now staring at saddened grey ones.
"I don't want to live without you," there's shuffling as James brings his two hands up to careess Regulus' face, "I don't want to ever learn how to fall asleep without you.. I know that if it came to it, I would love you for the rest of my life. I would have to raise Harry on my own, suffering in this stupid house seeing your pictures up on the wall."
There's a fire in Regulus' eyes now, anger sweeping through as he looks at his husband, “You talk as if I would survive without you!” Tears are threatening to spill out now, “Harry would lose a father. And I-I would lose the love of my lives. If it was me who lived, I would never even look at anybody else ever again!”
The tears fall, and Regulus clenches his eyes shut, a clear distress as he shakes in rage and sadness.
For a moment, neither of them speak. They snuggle into each other closer, finding comfort in the other’s arms.
The first one to take a deep breath is Regulus. He’s beginning to relax, successfully calming himself down. James’ gaze remains to the side however, shame piling into his eyes with the sadness, a clear state of distress that seems as if he can’t get out of.
Taking his hand up, Regulus grabs onto James’ neck, pushing his head down as their lips meet into a kiss.
It’s full of such intense love and desperation. The action alone reassures James and he melts instantly.
He takes a breath once they pull away and once more, hazel eyes full of sweeping love are meeting the gaze of hopeful and admiring grey ones.
Regulus is alive, he’s here and well. The very thought of it brings such relief to James. His husband is laying on their shared bed, crying at the thought of losing him just as James has damn nightmares over losing him.
He feels himself relax finally, hope filling his body and his heart sweeping with love through the cracks.
There’s a peaceful silence, and for a moment, James thinks they can go to bed with their kiss being their last interaction.
“..I don’t think we’d remember each other in our next lives if we were to die and be reborn,” Regulus is suddenly whispering.
The words instantly shatter James’ heart, and his eyes are threatening tears once more. He knew that it’s the truth. That it was rare for people to remember their past lives let alone the very existence of people being reborn. But.. that doesn’t mean it’s foolish to hope for it, right?
James’ gaze turns away once more as he begins shaking, hating that his husband felt the need to hit him with reality. But a hand is reaching up, and it pulls James’ face to meet Regulus once more. Saddened hazel eyes are now staring into determined and kind grey ones.
“..I don’t think we’d remember each other,” Regulus repeats.
“You don’t have to repeat-“
“But I do believe that if we were to be reborn.. we would find our way back to each other with nothing but love as our guidance. Because you.. are my soulmate.”
James’ heart begins to race, and oh. Oh.
This man.. this gorgeous, serious, kind, intelligent, unfunny, strong, powerful, perfect parent, horrible at cooking man. His husband who’s laying on their shared bed after tucking their son into bed. This man who James has every right to call his with a ring to prove it. He who was previously known as Regulus Black and now as Regulus Potter.
His Regulus Potter.
The man he met in high school as Sirius’ little brother. The man who sat beside him in Chemistry as his partner because James had to retake it. The man who is the other parent to their son, their gorgeous son. The man who decided to give him a family, an extended one after being so alone with just his parents.
The words are music James’s ears, and this time, the tears that are spilling are full of pure joy and love.
“I love you, cariño.” James quietly laughs through his tears, “I love you so much.”
Pressing a kiss on Regulus’ forehead, James finds himself making another promise, “I will love you with all of my being for the rest of our life. We’ll grow old together and raise Harry to be a great kid. We’ll be one of those cringey adorable couples who sit out on the porch with a stupid cat as we recall memories. And I’ll kiss your lips for the rest of my life as my favorite activity, telling you just how much I love you.”
Regulus finds himself smiling softly, his own tears not being as intense anymore, but still grateful that his words had reached his husband to make him react this way.
“If we die tomorrow and you forget me.. I promise I’ll find you.” Regulus says back, his grey eyes shining with a golden hue, one that screams of love and adoration.
And James is smiling largely in reply, “And I’ll do the same, querido.”
Body full of content with the calming and love filled atmosphere, James yawns as his eyes threaten to close so he can sleep.
“Cher,” Regulus brings a finger up and softly boops his nose, “Please sleep. We have plans tomorrow and you need the energy.”
Nodding, James presses Regulus’ head into his chest, sighing with content at his own action.
“Goodnight, mi hermoso esposo, te amo.”
“..Goodnight, mon bel ange, je t'aime plus que tout.”
Losing themselves to the night, they let the exhaustion take them over as they close their eyes.
Regulus feels himself tense up as he’s reminded of everytime he’s had to find James.