Grounded
Sirius
At least Sirius had waited until they were home to cause a scene, right? I mean, they should be grateful he didn’t break into a sprint and try to escape right before his mother could apparate with him. Then people would’ve started asking questions.
Thing is, his mother and father already thought people were asking questions. They didn’t seem to realize that just because he had told them he fancied blokes, doesn’t mean he went and told every body. Of course he didn’t do that, he wasn’t stupid. He didn’t even know how his friends would react, let alone complete strangers or extended relatives. He wasn’t about to announce it to the whole world. Besides, if people started knowing who he fancied, his main source of gossip would dry up, a.k.a.: the girls who tried to date him. (The rumors he could spread…)
No, Sirius didn’t tell his parents that only their family knew. He didn’t want them to have any hope of hiding him. If they found out no one knew then they might smother him, get him engaged before it got out for real.
Except, because they didn’t know he wasn’t out to everyone, they had been making his life hell. He wasn’t allowed at the Potter’s anymore, he was going to be forced to participate in Christmas family gatherings, and now he was stuck in his room with no dinner.
Okay, so the no-dinner thing wasn’t so big of a deal. He had gone many times without meals despite his family having no lack of food. Also, he had flipped off his many great aunts, uncles, cousins, and so forth in the forms of their portraits before his mothers voice cut him down. It was a bit his fault.
What had been bothering him was not the hunger, but the very real, still present pain in his back. He had not only had a verbal lashing, but one from a hex as well. She had whipped him across his spine with magic until he had fallen to his knees at the foot of the stairs. But she hadn’t stopped there. She had gone on until he’d collapsed all the way forward and was draped over the steps and had gone still. That was the quickest way to get things over, lying still.
Sirius was sitting on his bed, rumpled and defiant. He had propped himself up on his arms, because leaning against his ornate headboard had turned out to be too painful, even with pillows. His legs were splayed out in front of him, and despite him repeatedly shaking it out of the way, his hair had kept falling into his eyes.
He’d been trying to figure out a comfortable way to sit in order to read a magazine or two, but he felt like giving up and just lying on his stomach and going to sleep. He blew the bit of hair up off of his forehead. It fell back down in the exact place it had been before. He sighed.
There were footsteps in the hall then, soft but unmistakable. Regulus. He must have been on his way to bed, so Sirius thought.
The footsteps stopped in front of his door.
Sirius strained to listen, confused. Why had he stopped? He partly wondered if Reg was going to knock. Sirius knew deep down that he wouldn’t of course, but he couldn’t help hoping. All Sirius heard was silence. What was the little bugger up to? Was he just standing there? Did he just sneakily walk off and Sirius was listening for nothing?
Then there was a light tapping on the door, so light that Sirius wondered if Regulus might be secretly hoping it wasn’t heard.
“C– come… in? Um, I mean, come in.” Sirius cleared his throat. He was baffled at this point. It had been years since Regulus had been in his room past the threshold. Sirius used to always go to Regulus’s, not the other way around.
The door clicked softly open and Regulus stepped into the room. He closed the door behind him. They sort of just stared at each other for a bit, very awkwardly. Regulus stood there and Sirius sat on the bed. Sirius started to feel a bit of annoyance and anger rise up in him. What was Regulus doing here?
“How’s your back?” Regulus asked.
Sirius grimaced and lifted one hand to wave it dismissively, putting his weight on the other. “I’m fine. I was stupid, really.”
Regulus stayed silent long enough that Sirius felt like he needed to say something. He felt studied under Regulus’s gaze.
“I’ve done worse and gotten less. She was just waiting for an excuse.” Ugh why had he had to say that of all things.
Sirius could see that Regulus was trying to look like he was feeling cooler about the whole situation than he truly was. Regulus walked over to the foot of the bed and dumped a napkin with some of whatever must’ve been for dinner in it on it by Sirius’s feet. Sirius didn’t touch or look at the food, though he could smell it.
“Aw Reg, you thought of me. How sweet,” Sirius said, trying to go for light, playful sarcasm, but some bitterness crept in. “Have you come to give me the pleasure of your company while I eat your little doggy bag of table scraps?”
“No. Something’s been bothering me. I figured, while I was here, might as well bring something.” Regulus’s voice was level and neutral.
“Right, course.” Sirius tried not to show that he was surprised. Regulus never came to him about anything anymore. “Go on then.” He wondered what it could be.
Regulus breathed in. “Why do we take the train?”
Sirius blinked.
“... What?” That certainly wasn’t what he was expecting, not that he was sure what he was expecting. Why do they take the train? To get to school obviously, was he joking with Sirius? No, Regulus didn’t joke.
Regulus went on. “It’s a muggle invention. Why do mother and father allow it? We’re purebloods, aren’t we above that? It’s not very pureblood-minded of us, taking a train.”
Sirius blew out a long breath. So that’s what he had meant. Of course he was worried about pureblood nonsense. Really Regulus knew better than to ask Sirius some bullshit like that. He knew how Sirius felt about those things.
Except Regulus also knew better than to go to mother and father with anything. Sirius thought of his parents, then of himself. Alright, yes, so Sirius was the better option.
“I convinced them,” Sirius answered honestly, “for appearances. It's the only thing that could.”
It was Regulus's turn to blink.
Sirius continued.
“Every wizarding family picks up their kids from Kings Cross. It’s the perfect place and time of year if you want to be seen. Mother and father need to be seen every so often looking like they’re actually in control of me. I won’t misbehave at the station, well not that much, because it’s my only bargaining chip for us to be allowed on the train. In the end I begged them.”
“You what?”
Sirius looked at his brother. Regulus's mouth was slightly gaping.
“I begged them.”
“To let… us, ride the train. You begged for me, too?”
Sirius knew the next thing he was going to say would sting. He said it anyway. “Well I couldn’t exactly say I wanted to so I could ride with a Potter every year. That wouldn’t do for appearances. It had to be a family thing.”
Regulus’s expression tightened.
Sirius didn’t feel guilty. He did feel a bit sad though. He felt sad because that was the truth. He had wanted to ride the train because of James. Not Regulus. It was an uncomfortable reality check. He wanted to push the thought of it away, but it stood there facing him.
Mother and father had let him go on the train his first year as a rite of passage. It was part of the whole experience. You ride the train, paddle over the lake in the boats, enter the great hall, and then get sorted by the hat. It was a whole thing. After the first year, there really was no need, he’d already been through the ceremony, and they had told him that he’d be doing side-along to Hogsmeade from then on with a parent or relative. Regulus would also ride the train his first year and then never again.
The problem with this was that Sirius had made friends with James that first year on the train. And he wasn’t going to give up another train ride so easily. So at the start of his second year, Regulus’s first, he begged. He had tried to diplomatically suggest the idea that it might be better for Regulus to have him there on the train to show him the ropes, but they were set in their decision. He had had to grovel in the end, but he got there.
So Sirius went with him on the train that next year. He had tried introducing Regulus to his friends including James, but Regulus had been a brat. Sirius had never seen him act up that way before. It didn't take long for Regulus to ditch the lot of them and go looking for Evan instead.
From then on they rode the train every year. After the past year though, Sirius had a feeling their train privileges were on their way out. Things were going downhill and they were going downhill fast now that he had nothing to lose, what with his parents finding out about him being gay.
Regulus turned to go. “I see then. Look I ought to be getting to bed–”
Sirius felt a sudden wave of panic wash over him. He didn’t want Regulus to go, they hadn’t talked in ages, and he’d gone and mucked it up. He drew his legs under him, taking his weight off of his arms, so that he could lean forward. He reached but wasn't close enough to grab Reggie's sleeve. He was desperate to extend an olive branch.
“I did think of you, and how you'd like the train. Because of the windows and scenery and stuff. I didn’t do it all for James.”
Regulus turned his head back, but his body still faced away.
Sirius let his arm drop into his lap and went on.
“I had hoped I’d get to see you more if we both took the train. We could have sat in the same compartment, you know? And I’d buy you stuff from the trolly witch that mother would never let you have.”
Regulus just looked at him.
Sirius looked down, realizing. “Though, I suppose you must not like the train that much, if you’re asking why about it. You don’t want to take it, do you?”
Regulus fully turned himself back around to face Sirius. “Sirius, no, that’s not why I was asking.”
Sirius looked up again, slowly. “No?”
“It just didn’t make sense to me. That’s all. Now you've explained.”
Sirius eyed him. There was something more Regulus wasn't saying. Sirius was slightly rusty at interacting with Reg, but he was still his brother, and he knew him well.
Regulus turned and looked at the door before looking back at Sirius. “I really should be off to bed now Sirius. I'm tired for real, but also, if Kreacher finds me here…”
“Right, yes of course,” Sirius said. Regulus did look tired.
Regulus was walking away and about to go through the door when Sirius spoke up.
“Reggie, about tonight. With mum.”
Regulus stopped in the doorway but didn't turn around. He didn’t look at Sirius, just stopped.
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Sirius said. "You shouldn't have had to."
And Regulus stood there, he stood in Sirius’s doorway, and Sirius could see his back through his white button-up shirt. It was tense, like he’s been carrying something heavy for longer than he should without setting it down and resting. Absurdly, Sirius pictured Regulus then as he was, but with the single alteration that he had an enormous, ceramic, water-carrying jug balanced on his head supported by his arms like in those Ancient Egyptian paintings. Regulus never would’ve been able to lift something that heavy. Sirius wanted to laugh at him. He also wanted to cry for him and take that jug away and carry it so that his little brother didn’t have to. Sirius saw from the back of Regulus’s head when he tilted his face down, away.
“It’s fine,” said Regulus, “I’m used to it.” Then he walked out, closing the door gently, leaving behind only its soft click and his fading footsteps.
Sirius shoved the image of the jug away.