Prologue
Sirius
Sirius was barely fourteen when he came out to his mother. He shouted it in her face as an attempt to get the last word in an argument they’d been having. It was like their usual disagreements, with her listing off everything she could find wrong with his behavior, each word stinging with the venom of disappointment and condescension. He had lashed back, spitting every foul thing the Black family had done (that he knew of) back in her face. Then he went to take everything she had said to him and turned it around on her, shoving it in her face like a prize or honor badge. Their voices swelled and clashed, building up into a crescendo as he had said his final phrase. Then her voice cut out to nothing; she was dead quiet. A stonier face could not be found among the gargoyle statues atop their house.
Sirius walked out.
Regulus had been there. Sirius didn’t know for sure if Regulus was okay with gay people or not in general, especially considering their upbringing. Later, as they passed in the hall, Sirius having snuck back in only a short while ago, Regulus said nothing. After that, they left the topic untouched. They didn't talk about it, but Regulus wasn't a prick. They just went on with things.
Though, maybe he would've been a prick if he'd had the chance. They weren't particularly close anymore. They had grown apart. They didn't see much of each other, and when they did, they were... polite. They didn't go to the trouble of not getting along. It would've been a waste of time.
~
Regulus
Regulus had been left to fend for himself more and more. Sure, he had a few friends, he wasn't fully alone. Except, without his brother, it felt like he was. It had felt that way for a while.
Sirius had been his whole world growing up. He thought that he was Sirius's world as well. At least, he had until Sirius went and found the whole world somewhere else: his friends. In them, he found his world, and in his very best friend in particular, he found his whole heart.
James Fleamont Potter. Oh how Reggie hated him. From the first year when Sirius had gone to Hogwarts without him and had written home about how amazing everything was. He went on and on in his letter. Some of it intrigued and made him feel excited for when it'd be his turn, but most of it was about James and the shenanigans they were already up to. Regulus should have known from right then that his brother wasn't his anymore. Still, he had hoped.
Really, Regulus wasn't surprised that Sirius fancied blokes. He'd sort of always wondered if his brother might be that way. They were so alike in many ways, and so unalike in others. He had wondered if it might be one of the things they had in common.
No, what surprised Regulus was that Sirius wasn't in love with James. He wasn't in love with him, he just loved him. Like a brother.
In fact, he loved James more than he did Regulus, his actual brother.
Regulus couldn't stand it. He was right there. Regulus, his blood and flesh family, with their shared childhood, similar appearances, everything, was right there. And Sirius loved James Potter instead.
The worst part was, when Regulus had met James for the first time in his first year on the train to Hogwarts, he had gotten it. He had heard his laugh and gazed at his kind, beautiful smile, and immediately understood. He had seen why Sirius's heart had to beat in rhythm with his and not Regulus's. He had known why Sirius loved him. Regulus couldn't help but love James a little bit too.
So Regulus had hated James all the more.
~
Sirius
He didn't hate Regulus then. Not really. Not on his own. But he did hate his whole family, and at the end of the day Regulus was a part of that family, so he hated him too.
By fifteen, Sirius felt unnerved when looking at Regulus directly for too long. He saw in him everything that he despised to become. The perfectly tidy hair, the way he buttoned his collar instead of just leaving it, his cold eyes, his burning desire to please Mother and Father, his entire personality really, etc. Sirius preferred to look as if he'd been off in a corner behind the drapes with someone. A.k.a., hair tousled, a few extra buttons undone on his shirt, lips glossy, smug expression, so on. It was all an act of course, but he had to make up for being a Black somehow. He wouldn’t let them get him.
Regulus was a done deal though. He’d been sorted into Slytherin as expected and praised for it (unlike Sirius), he had made the right sort of friends (unlike Sirius), and he behaved and dressed respectably (unlike Sirius). Sirius never heard the end of it.
No, their family had Regulus deep in their clutches.
Somehow, though, despite every part of his brother that grated on his nerves, he missed him. He had never not missed him.
Sirius felt things deeply, the way you think of when you think of feeling things deeply, and if the pressure got to be too much then it would all come out. What he felt most deeply, was a longing to have his brother back. His little brother, who used to look like him. Who used to smile. He had to get him back. He had to try.
~
Regulus
Regulus missed Sirius.
Regulus missed his brother so much; it was more than he knew how to handle. You’d think that the more strongly he felt, the more it’d try to burst out so he could find some release, but it didn’t. The more strongly he felt, the more pressure that built, but it was a vacuum kind of pressure; it didn’t push out, it sucked in, pulling the seal on even tighter. He held it all in and it held him all down and he couldn’t half the time open his mouth far enough to breathe, let alone talk.
So when Sirius would say something to him, sometimes just a simple hello while passing in a corridor or asking how he was after a class, Regulus would look ahead, not breaking stride, and ignore him.
It was easier that way.