Sirius Black Does Not Like Boys
Sirius Black did not like boys.
Sirius Black liked women. He liked the way their hair fell on to their shoulders, or below. He liked the way they smelled sweet, like whatever perfume they were wearing. He liked how they were shorter than him and it was so easy to kiss the tops of their heads.
Remus Lupin was not any of those things.
Remus Lupin had short, wavy hair that was thick on top of his head, and curling around his ears. He never smelled sweet; He smelled like the cigarettes he swore he did not steal from underneath Sirius’ pillow because “he is really quitting this time”, and dark, bitter, chocolate. He was also taller than Sirius. Not by much, but enough that when this change occurred in fifth year, Remus wore a lopsided grin as Peter measured their heights.
Most importantly however, Remus Lupin was a boy.
Perhaps by now, boy was not even the right word. He would have used the word boy to describe him when Remus was experiencing voice cracks every few minutes, wearing a bandage on his face for the first week of third year as a result of a “volcano of a pimple” (Remus’ words, not his own), and cutting himself while shaving his face because stubble was starting to come in.
Instead, Remus was starting to look like a man.
His voice was deep. Not deep like James’ had become over the summer. The kind of deep that had the boys teasing him because it had come out of nowhere and simply did not suit the prankster. Rather, this kind of deep perfectly fit Remus. It was smooth, and still sounded a little unsure. Like Remus himself was not convinced he should sound like this. As well, his skin was unnaturally clear. His skin was like glass, aside from the scars that spanned across his nose and chin, and the freckles that decorated his cheeks. He still refused to let any facial hair grow, but now his shave was clean, like he had perfected a craft of sorts.
Remus Lupin was a man, and Sirius Black did not like men.
So why was he paying so much attention to all these changes? Why had he noticed every movement Remus made, especially if it was in close proximity to him? Above all else, and most embarrassingly, Sirius Black had not been able to get it up for any girl he was with.
There had been four girls since the beginning of seventh year. Each girl had been his type in one way or another. Petite, long hair, and sweet. Yet, each time that it came down to it, with both of their clothes off, Sirius just could not do it. His mind would wander, and it would always land on Remus. It was never sexually-charged thoughts. Mostly, they were thoughts about what Remus was doing at the moment, what he may be eating or reading, and what he looked like in Transfiguration class with the sun illuminating his hair and the aforementioned freckles.
So, it wasn’t that weird. He wasn't that weird. But it was still weird, and friends should not be thinking of other friends while about to have sex, and Sirius does not know what it means.
“Do I have a booger in my nose?”
A voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He had been staring directly at Remus for god knows how long. They were sat in the library, Remus focused on his readings, and Sirius apparently focused on Remus.
“Yeah, a whole colony of ‘em. Was trying to count them all.” Remus frowned at him, and self-consciously rubbed at his nose.
“You’re not funny you know,” Remus replied, when he realized that there was no small army within his nostrils. “I assume your astronomy paper is done? Considering your abundance of time to mess with me?”
Sirius grinned at him, his unfinished paper sitting in his peripheral vision. This is one thing that he knew Remus hated about him. He could sit and slack off or mess around until the very last minute, and still pull top marks within the class. Of course, Remus always did better than him. Still, he could see the annoyance in Remus’ eyes when he would flaunt his grade on an assignment he did the night before it was due. The same assignment that Remus spent multiple days on.
“You know I always get it done, don’t you worry about me Moon-Pie.” Sirius watched Remus’ frown deepen at the nickname, and shake his head with a sigh that vaguely sounded like the words “that is so gross”.
Sirius had always found pleasure in teasing Remus. Of course, he loved playful banter with all of his friends. But something was different about the feeling of making Remus lose his words out of exasperation, or shove him off the shared common room couch. He never knew the reason, but he would continue chasing that high as long as the pleasure remained.
“Uhm, hey Remus?” A new voice appeared, and Sirius’ eyes snapped on to a girl standing beside their table. Her hair was dark and extremely curly, just falling below her shoulders. Her eyes were almost just as dark, but still so bright as they stared right at Remus. She was pretty, and for some reason Sirius hated that fact.
“Hey Clara right? You alright?” Remus asked, a small smile forming on his lips. Sirius watched as she shifted her weight from one leg to the other, and thumb fiddle with the corner of the textbook she was holding. She was nervous, and Sirius hated that fact even more.
“Yeah! I just, have been struggling a lot with this Astronomy paper. I’m just not quite understanding one of my charts. Do you think you could help me?” Weight was back on to her other leg now, and thumb was flicking even faster. “I know you’re like, top of this class, so I just thought I would ask. No worries if you’re too busy with your own!”
Sirius wanted Remus to say no. To laugh at her and tell her to piss off. But that’s not Remus. He knew that wasn’t Remus. So why was he so disappointed when Remus’ smile grew and began nodding?
”Yeah, that’s no problem at all. I’m free now if you wanna sit?” Remus responded, gesturing to the open seat beside his own.
No, Remus was not free right now. Remus was hanging out with him. His best friend of nearly seven years. Sirius wanted to tell her such, but Clara had already sat down and was opening her textbook with far too much enthusiasm.
Sirius felt his stomach turn as she scooted her chair ever-so-slightly more towards Remus, and turned her body to face his. She would giggle even if it did not call for it, and twirl her hair around her finger. Sirius could not stand to sit here any more. He could not watch this. He had to leave
”Right well, I’m gonna leave you two to this,” Sirius said quite dryly as he stood up, his own Astronomy paper in hand. Remus’ head tilted to this side with a questioning gaze.
”What, you afraid of learning too much Padfoot?” Remus grinned at him.
“Yeah, something like that,” Sirius grumbled, turning on his heel and making a near-beeline towards the library doors.
Once outside, Sirius stood, putting a hand on his stomach. It was still feeling weird. Except this time, he was not confused by the feeling. Sirius knew exactly what this feeling was.
Jealousy.