“You'll find someone”
That’s what they always said.
Back in fourth year, when everyone was starting to date and had dates, Hermione went with Viktor to the Yule ball. She felt so special when he asked her. All the girls were swooning over him and he chose her. She felt special. She felt as if she was floating on a cloud when she was getting ready and descending the stairs. He had requested that she smooth her hair by using a charm he taught her. She spent hours smoothing her hair from its usually unmanageable mane and eventually, the style was almost perfection. He smiles when he sees her and she can feel him looking at her hair and he nods like he is happy with what she's done. She is proud that she figured out the complex charm work and she translates his nod like he is proud of her too. The dance was like a dream. They twirl around and she feels appreciated. Hermione feels wanted but as the night goes on, his focus and attention dim and shift from her. Always the observant one, Hermione notices it right away and excuses herself to go get something to drink. Some of the happy feelings that she's been experiencing dissipate as insecurity sets in. She sees my reflection in a window and sees that her hair has begun to come undone from its charm. Between the humidity in the room and the dancing, her hair has begun to frizz and come out of its elegant updo. She shrugs it off and grabs herself something to sip on. She steps outside the Great Hall with her punch and leans against a wall to get some fresh air. As she starts to relax into the stone, she hears a voice from a nearby alcove.
“And her hair of my goodness, it’s atrocious! I even taught her a charm to tame it but it has barely lasted an hour! She is either a horrible spell caster or her hair is that horrid! Oh, and she is a terrible dancer. She has two left feet! Clearly has never taken a dancing lesson in her life. I only wanted to bring her to hurt Potter and get under his skin but I am questioning if it is even worth it. She is unpoised, untidy, and dull! All she talks about is her studies and her classes. That is the least important thing here at Hogwarts and that is all she is focused on. I don’t even know if I can finish the night with her. It could tarnish my reputation! I think I’ll go find a girl worthy of my attention.” Hermione sinks back into the wall and sees Viktor and his friend walk past her as if she is invisible and reenter the Great Hall. Tears are gathering in her eyes as she pushes off the wall and briskly makes her way back to the common room. She tears the ribbon binding her hair together out and the spell releases. She feels her hair touch her back and she cringes as it fluffs out so far that she can see it in her peripheral vision.
She slows her pace when she realizes everyone is in the Great Hall and no one is around. Everyone is having fun with people that love and care about them. It dawns on her that Viktor probably never was interested in her. He just wanted to get close to Harry through her. He didn’t want her. She was so hopeful because for once someone was looking at her, not Harry, not Ron, Hermione. But it was stupid to think he was looking at her. She must look pretty upset by the time she reaches the fat lady because she swings open before she even mutters the password and looks at her with the pity of a mother seeing her child hurt. Hermione appreciates the concern but it doesn’t change the situation. She almost collapses when she gets inside the common room but she gathers enough strength to make it up to her room.
Closing the door of her room opens the floodgates and then she is sobbing on the floor. Ruining the makeup she spent so much time on to look pretty for him. She tugs at her hair because who could love someone with hair like this? Her scalp pricks with pain and she feels some pieces separate from her skull. She tears and tears at her hair and finally lets her hands drop down. She cries even harder when she sees the amount of hair she has ripped out. She can’t let anyone see her like this. She shakily gets up and stumbles to the bathroom. She avoids the mirror and tears off her dress before stepping into the shower. She looks back at the tatters of her hopes and then starts the shower. She can barely stand under the pressure of loneliness and the realization that he doesn’t want her. It is only 3 minutes before she is sitting on the tile watching as strands of hair swirl down the drain. She feels like a piece of her heart is disintegrating. She doesn’t know how long she sits under the burning hot water and watches a piece of herself go down the drain. Once she is numb enough to not think anymore, she gets back up and goes through her shower routine slowly and with no thought. She tugs at her hair, gone is the gentleness she would usually use while shampooing, and replacing it is hurt and insecurity. She uses an extra amount of conditioner hoping that the more she uses, the straighter her hair will be.
She was going to let him kiss her, she realizes distantly as she is washing her body. She was going to kiss him because he was interested in her. Maybe if she had let him kiss her, he would have liked her more. She sighs as she steps out of the shower and before she can grab her towel, she catches a glimpse of her body in the fogged-up mirror. She can barely look at herself and grabs the towel as fast as possible to hide herself. It isn’t until she is dressed for bed that she realizes that Harry and Ron haven’t come after her. She tries to hold back tears as she shuffles to bed. 'Why wouldn’t they come after me when they realized I was gone?' She thinks. 'Did they even realize I was gone?' She wonders Not only did Viktor not want her, her friends didn’t even know she was gone. She casts a silencing charm, curls in on herself, and lets sobs wrack her body.
Something in her feels dead when she wakes up in the morning. It shouldn’t be this serious but it hurts so bad. She gets up and immediately wants to head down to breakfast but one look in the mirror and she remembers why Viktor didn’t want her. She rinses off and gets dressed in clean robes. She tames her hair back into a low bun. It looks…fine. It doesn’t look like her but it doesn’t matter. It is hidden. She quickly glances at her reflection before she grabs her wand and her potions book and heads down to breakfast. No one should be up this early after the ball so she hopes that breakfast is empty.
It is nearly empty and she sits down before grabbing a small plate of food. She barely eats while she is reading her potions book. As soon as her small plate is done, she hustles out of the Great Hall. She does not want to run into anyone, especially Viktor, Ron, or Harry. She buries herself in the back corner of the library where no one goes and studies for the potions test that Snape has conveniently placed on the Monday after one of the biggest events of the year. No one will be ready and he is counting on it. What he didn’t count on was that she didn’t want to be around anyone today and she would rather read their dull potions book. When she gets close to the end of the book, she hears Harry and Ron call out to her from another part of the library. She curls in on herself and hopes they don’t come back here. She hears Madam Pince shush them and they don’t find her. She feels guilty for hiding from her friends but she doesn’t want to talk about the ball. They also clearly didn’t feel the need to try to find her last night so they could be by themselves for a day.
She avoids the Great Hall all day and she hasn’t eaten anything since her measly breakfast so she stops by the kitchens before heading up to the common room. Being friends with the house elves had a few perks and she meant to stop by and say hi to them. She makes her way into the common room and comes face-to-face with Ron and Harry. They immediately bombard her with questions. “Where were you today?” “Why did you go off with Viktor during the ball and leave us behind?” “Did you shag Viktor?” “Where did you end up last night?” “Did you see me dance with Lavender?” She stares back at them and waits for them to finish their questions. None of them are about if she's ok and she hangs my head and pushes through them to go to her dorm. “Hey Mione! You can’t just ignore us because you have a new boyfriend!” Ron shouts after me. Rage courses through her veins faster than she ever thought it could. She whips around and Harry tries to get a word out but before he can say anything, she is shouting. “I was in the library all day, studying for our potions exam tomorrow that I’m sure neither of you remembered. I DID NOT shag Viktor, I ended up back in this room, ALONE because I caught Viktor talking to his friend about how I wasn’t good enough for him and how my hair makes me look horrid. I didn’t leave you behind and if you had looked around, you would have noticed that Viktor was still there and I was gone. You didn’t even come looking for me! And NO Ron, I didn’t see you dance with Lavender, did you see me leave in tears?” She is out of breath and furious by the time she is done answering their stupid questions. They stare blankly back at her and before they can answer, she heads up to her dorm. She shouldn’t have yelled at them but they deserved it. She pulls her curtains closed and feels tears seeping out of her eyes as she falls asleep.
She wakes up early again and gets ready before anyone is awake in her dorm. She showers, dresses in her clean uniform, and braids her hair back into thick braids that end up in a bun. She smoothes it down with a bit of water and then grabs her books. Barely anyone is at breakfast and she eats quickly. She plans to spend some time in the library before the potions exam but she sees Ron and Harry on the way to the library. She turns the other way and heads down to the dungeons. She finds an unused classroom to do some last-minute studying and then she heads to potions so she can be early and sit in the empty chair she knows is right in the front. Snape looks up at her in confusion when she walks in and sits right in front of him. He watches as she pulls out her book and continues reading.
The test was brutal and if she hadn’t studied, she would have failed. By lunch, Harry and Ron had found her and apologized and everything seemed normal between them. The days go by but the nights are lonely and the comments Viktor made run through her head. Harry told her privately one day that what Viktor said wasn’t true and that he missed out by not appreciating her. She felt a bit better until he says in a hopeful tone “One day, you’ll find someone”
The pain of loneliness in my chest says otherwise.